Ground Zero

Some good morals/values talk with Mark this evening. It's sad that often these type of conversations are brought about by disruptions of relationships. Most of the time we're just blipping through the day and not thinking. We become swayed unless we remember our blueprints. Some of us aren't lucky enough to have solid blueprints.

Avenues of Spare Change

12:02am The night was a step in the direction of hope and yet my guard was up the whole time. I had Ken and his friend Allan over playing Monopoly on the Game Cube. Eddy joined later in the eve. People that said they would show up didn't bother. It really didn't matter because it was fun nonetheless.

I was reading my latest copy of Instinct magazine earlier. The Advocate as well. It's funny how the focus of each magazine has a completely different slant and yet they both have plenty of semi-clad men showing their abs, arms, etc. There is a common denominator.

I was talking on the phone with Tracy yesterday (Friday) and I said that I was taking a "geological pause." I was also out with Mark and made a joke about the condoms I have not being used by the expiration date.

3:39am
I received a message on my phone while working. As I listened to it between calls, it was Chuck noticeably upset and carefully restraining his words. It's strange to me that Shawn can fuck Eddy and yet he'll still talk to him but my extension of friendship to Eddy, without sex, is threatening to Chuck. I've always had friendships with cross-sections that don't like each other or who have histories. My head just says, "look at the example of Ken." A classic example of how Chuck will over react and then come to his senses. If ultimately I am proven wrong about Eddy's ability and willingness for to change, then I get walked on and am secure enough to know where I go from there.

We all use our own frame of reference to look at other people. It's the purity that I try to approach the world in that I see other people and am able to give chances where others see only failures. Those that would deceive or treat themselves with something less than respect see others as wanting to do the same thing.

What is less than Zero without integers?

9:12pm
I finished reading "Less Than Zero" earlier tonight. I thought a lot about Jared as the book came to an end. Then I jumped to thinking about Eddy and Rey and Joe and the fast crowd of Los Angeles, Hollywood, The Palisades.... It's a culture that feeds on youth. I see it all the time when I'm up there. And where do these boys go? Where do they grow up and find themselves? They don't. They die in hospital rooms and fast cars never looking quite as beautiful as that time they were high in that club... or drunk at that house party... or drunk and high all night, all weekend... all their adult lives.

I remember this guy, Charles, that was friends with Mark in Hollywood. He always had a group of young guys that I felt he "protected" in some ways. When I was younger, although I distrusted many of the older gay men I encountered, he was one that I had a different feel from. Will I be that adult to the next generation?

zing zong

While shopping earlier (yesterday), gathering ingredients to make sugar cookies, Chuck mentioned this idea of giving gift cards with no money on it. The idea then expanded in my mind as a scene in a movie/book where this is done between some rival personalities. One plays a trick on the other, extending a branch of friendship and gives the gift card.. the other goes to a store and gets the the cashier and then finds out there is no money on the card.

Baking cookies. Mark mentioned that it was entertaining watching Chuck and I mix the dough and make the cookies. I responded that it was one of the best ways we could communicate... with jokes, not really words.

I need to move outside of the circles I know.

I'm very intrigued by the book I'm reading. The narration is much like the film student guy from "The Rules Of Attraction" (movie) in how he speaks about his trip through Europe. As I read... I think of Jared and the other lil gay boys that are caught up in the life being described in "Less Than Zero."

Scanning

Some of these pictures are painful to go through. There are memories that once preserved with a snap take up color and gloss and don't lose depth even on flat paper.

a strange veil

3:00pm.... I begin reading the 1st page of "Less Than Zero" by Bret Easton Ellis and a shudder comes over me as I look around my room and have a distinct feeling that I'm living a life that I wasn't meant to live. I saw my surroundings like I would gaze at a stranger and realized that the things in my life were real and not delusions of success.

I still wonder though... what would it be like to be a writer?

Free-Jeremy

I made reservations to go to Salt Lake City today. Nathan was going to be there so I thought it would be fun to meet up with him, but I also started talking to someone there. It's something different; some place I've never been yet. It's one of those small things to venture out and try new things next year.

Shea Butter.

I find that my thoughts repeat. Dwell. Inaction is fear holding you like seran wrap.

I feel something bad inside of me and the resting I've been doing hasn't necessarily helped to clear it. I wonder what else I might try.

I'm sad that I have to go to work soon. A piece of me would like to stay and watch movies with Art and the boys downstairs.

Ice Nine

Bokonon.

Ugh to my lascivious thoughts. Such conflicts. I enjoy the tantalizing nature of the turn on, but chastise myself at the consideration of such betrayal. Haha... Will I remember this in ten years? The images in my head?

It is now Friday for most. I'm longing to be with those that can go out on a Friday night.

Rhetoric & Roads

A person's actions tell more than their words do. The words may be genuine, but sometimes one's soul isn't old enough to live the path that flows from the tongue.

More placing

"broken" by lustral...
.....Can we recapture, the love we knew... I am broken, do you miss me too?
........

Little Joe was confiding in me the other day. I pulled out my journal and started reading through entries from when I was his age: 18. I talked about my depression even back then. I tried to reassure him that things do get better, but it's hard to accept that as truth when you have no experience.

------

Mark, Nathan, Cardwell, Chuck.... people that know a lot about me. Intimate details. As we have grown older, I feel like an accordian with our closeness.

Sebastian, Jose, Joe, Javier.... newer friends with great potential. I feel myself warming up to them as much as my personality allows in a short amount of time.

----

Places

People talk. I listen. It's been a constant feature of my relationships with people. I remember wondering about this dynamic when I was younger, but now I just see it as a "given" and know that certain personality types just feel like it's easy to talk to me and will do so whether I'm in a frame of mind to listen or not.

I don't like that I can't trush Chuck to keep private information private. The fact that he has shared with me private information that other people didn't want me to know is proof enough that his loose lips could work against me at some point.

I went out with Drew tonight. It was very comfortable. I did not get a tension headache at any part during the night. I really wished I didn't have to goto work because I was happy laying on the couch with him and watching Terminator 3. I sit here pondering what type of body language and/or signals I gave off to him. Sometimes my guard can be up even when I think it's down.

Busses

10:50am BUS 86 - Alton to Irvine Spectrum

The bus is a community that has not forgotten its people. There is a spirit among those riding that keeps a hope alive in me that someday humankind will rise above their petty differences. When the bus is full and I have a seat and a family can not sit together I give up my seat so that they may. We move from one part of the bus to another in order to accommodate more people. We adapt at each stop, knowing that we all have different destinations; only our journey in common.

2:10pm
I missed my 2pm return ride because I stopped to go to the bathroom after the movie was over. Ahh...obeying the bladder. I called Cardwell because I figured he would enjoy that story. Adaptation--I have crossed the street to take a different bus.

I've been meaning to write about the funny way that my straight roommate leaves his underwear & t-shirts hanging from the towel rack next to the shower. I'm a "kick them to the floor" guy myself. They lay there until after the shower and then get picked up before joining the pile in my room. He wears colored boxer-briefs. I wonder if he has fantasies about me sniffing his underwear because it's there? Normally the minds of men are so easy to read. He's probably just forgetful.

No one but me is coughing on this bus. It is a silent one. The outside world has infected this one.

Sweat

In put on a very little bit of colgne before leaving to bike into work last night... but as much as I sweat, I made the whole floor smell good according to Sharon. =) I'm sure her comment made me blush. Oh well... off to sweat some more for the ride home.

Bleeding Hearts

Character quirk idea:
=====================
Character who has an eating habit of picking up a chip and taking a bite and then replacing the rest of the chip that he/she is holding back into the bowl/bag where the other chips are. This could be done with many different foods. I came up with the idea while eating peanut brittle yesterday from my SEES candy order.

--
--
There was something that I said on Tuesday night during movie night that was the perfect set-up for a movie scene.....of course, I have no idea what that is right now.

Finances seem to be on the up swing again. This is good because I over-indulged the fact that I had so much excess.

Chuck is so funny. He goes on a trip to San Francisco to visit Aries and I find him online at 2:30am talking to his new boy. I know that life's value is ultimately tied up in the bonds of the relationships that we keep, but... nah, nevermind. Who's to say what is healthy or not. What is adult and what is not. When I met Randy we spent every day together for weeks before not seeing each other. Is that being unhealthy or simply fulfilling a human need? For myself, I'd have to say unhealthy looking back over the whole of the relationship. I think that when we spend that much time with someone in the very beginning of getting to know them we have tunnel vision. We focus on the good feelings of being satisfied with someone and the larger issues we don't see or overlook. (On purpose) This is clearly evident to me in my more recent experiences over the past 9 months with Javier, Ryan, Paul & Douglas. Of those four, Ryan was the person I was seeing with almost daily regularity. I felt so attached to him, so close; bonded. I think it's better learning over a longer period of time with the opportunity to view actions and behaviour before getting attached.

This doesn't preclude a completely romantic sweeping off one's feet. There can still be lust at first site with a growing affection and love. I'm just saying that often times we're so busy trying to figure out who we are in the context of a "we" that we have never figured out who we are as a "me." Stringing from one person to the next to the next, like Tarzan on vines, isn't the way to navigate the dating jungle. Or is it?

I am the arm

12:20am So my goal-keeping for December is on track about 50%. Hmph. Not surprising to me or anyone else I'm sure. One goal was to keep a journal entry every day of the month. In not doing it I'm not wanting to "see" what it is that I am processing underneath.

I described Lanny's visit as being short enough to keep my interest, but just long enough to cover all the interesting points. 1:00am I wonder right now if the way I see him in circles is the same that others see me. Small circles. Just different cirlces. Some places overlap and those are the connections that we long to orbit back and touch.

My skin is so dry. I'm using lotion like it's water.

I don't feel like I have a purpose as much as I used to.

3:05am I talked to this guy, Drew on the phone before coming into work. Sounds cute. Very social voice.

8:03am To do overtime or not to do overtime... that is the question.

Schedules

My sleep schedule is all off again. I have until tomorrow night to resume. I am........ feeling like I'm hiding a lot of things from myself right now.

Dec 5th Thoughts

We were all so exhausted yesterday that when we looked at our phones and it was only 5:40pm, we knew it was time to leave Disneyland, grab some dinner and then turn in early for the night. I don't think that's what we really wanted to do, but looking at the evening through my new 29yr old eyes, I suppose the thrill and drive of being out in the nightlife didn't win any points against health & sleep.

Friday was a definite affirmation to the friends in my life. I had made the decision to roll for the first time since March. This would be the 3rd time that I had done this by myself, but this would be the 1st time that I would be doing it by myself without the group really knowing. I waited until after dinner when family had left the larger group an those that remained headed over to The Boom. I brought a card with little pigs on them for Ali as a thank you for playing some requested songs for the evening. Cardwell & Lanny made good drinking buddies until Cardwell found a lightpole to lean against and tire out and Lanny found the alcohol overload area of his body. (Over & Over & Over agian.) My friends did a good job of taking turns of watching him so that I didn't have ot. Oddly though, I didn't "feel" that I had to anyway.

I found my mind focusing on two things. I was in hyper-sex-drive mode as I've felt that coming back lately. In my previous entry I had not talked about Chuck, which was more out of running out of time to type at work than anything else. I see him as changing, for himself. Though the change is small, it's something I cheer him on silently for achieving. When I hug him I feel his physical strength mixed with his emotional frailty; my arms around him I feel both safe and that I provide safety. I wish there wasn't so much fear in me.

X-Files

On my walk home yesterday I thought about the relationships I have with my ex's. Specifically, Arturo, Chuck & Lanny. In my head I went over the immediate qualities that attract me to them and also the reasons why we did not work out. I then thought about how things have changed since the time we dated and tried to look objectively at how much we were either the same or different.

I don't know that Lanny will ever change. I know he's older and he feels his age, but I see the same issues boil to a head. NOT having sex with him this weekend will not be difficult mentally, but laying next to him will be tempting. It may be something that I leave for a weekend of fun, but I'll let him set the tone for that.

Arturo is very different. He's not the emotionally open and experimental boy that I met almost 11 years ago. He's still sensitive inside, but it's harder to get at that person. My feelings lingered for so long that when I finally moved back to Southern California in 1996 and realized that they wouldn't be revisited, I've been content with our relationship ever since.

That leaves..... haha.. and it's time to go home.

Memory Flash

Cyber life appeals to some part of me, but is in conflict with others.
Wah.. Wah.. WAH!

I just had a flash memory of the night in February watching Paul Van Dyk spin. Actually...it was a flash of afterwards being in the parking lot across the street from The Mayan with Jennifer, Chris and all of their friends. A VW Car with three guys pulled up and joined us. They didn't know anyone there. I had some leftover beer in the trunk of my car from something and I passed it around. We went dancing at The Orion building and the strangers ended up paying my way into the place since I had no cash left on me. We thought they were gay but they said they weren't. It was hard to deny when one of the guys had a yellow t-shirt on with a picture of a bannana, peeled and a smiley face. I was charged up that night.

Conjure One - Center Of The Sun (29 Palms Remix)

Love Bite - Take Your Time

The wheels on the bus go round & round

I'm on my way home from Kaiser. What an adventure. I left the house at 10am so that I could make it to Orange/Garden Grove by 1pm. NOw I'm on one of the return bus transfers so I can be home in the maid-clean house. This bus culture is interesting and amazing to me. The population is noticeably Latin. English is only heard over the PA system as street names are broadcast.

Now I can hear two guys from Mater Dei speaking English. The highlight is hearing that their friend who is annoying them is "so gay." Anong the other words of wisdom are "Shutup your faggoty ass."

You can't get this kind of entertainment but in a moving bus in this, The OC.

A boy came into the waiting room while I was ---WAITING. When he entered I saw his eyes briefly and I became prfoundly sad. Earlier, while transitioning between bus stops, some very young children were walking by and smiling. I smiled back and they alughed. The spinal tingles shot all over me and I smiled bigger.

Oh so clear

Sitting in chat rooms, watching words of sex be thrown around right and left, it just hits me. Ryan logs into the OC room and someone else in the room makes a comment on how cute he is and I realize the importance of being in the right place at the right time and seizing opportunities.

I also realized that I didn't really want sex.... that I want myself back.

Free-Flow...Non-Stop:

I turn on Annie Lennox's "Love Song for a Vampire" and want to lay back and cry but I think that's just wallowing so instead I'm writing. I watched "ELEPHANT" by Gus Van Sant earlier tonight with Mark and wanted to cry during the movie at parts when I realized that gay childeren do some terrible things to themselves and others because they can't be accepted by the mass populous. I was fortunate... I just surpressed it until I was at an age where I felt I could do something to control my surroundings. I found outlets... but lest I forget that I live in Southern California and am in a state that has some very prominent Gay Ghettos. I'm online and I see Randy has a screen name on Gay.com entitled "XHumbee" and a rage comes over me--yet I don't flash heat. How careless and tacky is it to use the pet name that I called him as a call sign to the gay community of perverts? If that doesn't just nail into me the complete and utter depth of his insensitivity and naivitae then what will? How many pains to I have to feel before I unscrew myself from the track and move out of the way of the next train? And another train is coming into town. Laney. I love him. I love Chuck. I love Randy. I miss Jared. I'm so so sad about losing D.R. as a friend. But I look to the positive things in my life...the current friends that are amazing. They fill me with warmth. Their love is bright and shining. I have my health..while all the others around me are getting this cough cough cough sickness I've remained resilient. I have my mind and my creativity and I feel the need to start expressing that more and more. I have myself somewhere in here and now that the anti-depressants are clearing out of my system I feel like I'm making some decisions and caring about things more than I ever have in the last 10 months. I bought books from amazon.com that arrived and I've begun reading Kurt Vaonnegut's "Cat's Cradle." I like it because the "chapters" are broken up in to very small, easy reads. I have a DVD collection that is mounting and yet I haven't bought a DVD player. I will.. but probably not until next year. Next year... I have set-up my medical spending account for $3k because I plan on having the lasik procedure done and kiss these glasses I'm wearing goodbye as well as those boxes of contacts and solution. Wouldn't that grand? I've worn glasses since I was 5 years old. I still haven't talked to my mother on the phone. Probably over 2 weeks now. We've communicated via e-mail and text message. A part of me fears that this will be the bulk of our "light" conversation for the rest of our lives and I'm tryinig to become okay with that inside. I'm realizing that my initial black and white roots are re-surfacing because they have to....while the gray hairs creep in here and there, so will expections to every rule until such time the rule is bent or broken----the plucking of a gray that cannot be anymore. All the while striving not to be artificial or using a hair dye product to coat over what is original and good still. No, no need for that. I've been talking to Chuck's ex, Eddie on-line. I know he thinks that I have some ulterior motive. Do I? I feel brotherly toward him in the same way that I feel for Javier. I sense something inside that needs to be freed from the terrible bondage of being hurt... but they have to take the steps to do the work otherwise they are just blind to the choices that continue to be made in haste and lead to their own demise. So stop worrying about other people Jeremy!!! wow... snap me back to place. Where am I? Where am I?

I still want to find a piano to pound on.

Under the Blue Diamond Moon

1:25am I laughed so much tonight and it really felt warm; full of kinship. The timing of things was a bit odd, but the overall night turned out to be just as I had hoped.

It was fun to spend some time with Matt away from Matt...and away from Tuesday Nights. I have to remember the conversation about having to go through a log of coal in order to find that perfect diamond. =)

During the car ride, Art, Matt & I talked about Starbuck's Coffee and I remarked that they are the devil company. Jokingly. It is ridiculous that they're everywhere.

What's scary about allowing myself to feel the feelings that I have inside is that I have to face the possibility that the feelings are not returned. There's also the danger that the feelings I have are not healthy ones. For instance, feelings toward Lanny and Chuck as opposed to those toward Randy. With Lanny & Chuck I have had time to process friendships with them, but does that mean that the underlying reasons that we did not work out are no longer there? With Randy, it's worse...because I feel such intensity but absolutely know that I cannot have what we had--nor intellectually do I want to. I really want to be comforted right now. I want that comfort from someone else and I'm trying to get it from my friends. A soak in the jacuzzi at home would be nice right about now. I think I still have to wait until my tattoo is completely healed before doing that though.

My fingernails look very nice today. Just the right length...haha...

Gay marriage in Massachusetts. I think about it and then think about this very issue being at the core of why I stopped communicating with the girls from high school last year at this same time. I've missed them at times, but that part of me that knows what is right from wrong clearly stepped up to the plate and moved on after being disrespected. I've often been able to do that in friendships. So now this marriage business is moving forward and the next step will be to challenge DOMA (Defense Of Marriage Act) on the federal level.

Finances have me in a rut again. I don't think this is something that I care to ever learn about. I certain don't manage money well. Grrrr

In me taking time for me I haven't called Douglas all week. :-( Instincts have kicked in but they are those instincts that do not have any facts to support them. Someone might tell me that it's "fear" that I feel...but it's not.

I would like to play the piano sometime before my birthday.

The absence of Tangibles

Today--right now--4:04am, is the first time since not having a car that I feel like I would really like to have one again. I think it's because of my hunger. I would have liked to have gone on my lunch and gotten something really fattening to eat. Hehe.

Instead, I was in the break room and online talking to my roommate, Art, and Lanny. Lanny was talking about how good it was going to feel to come out and see me and I share the same sentiment. I have this movie in my head about picking him up at the airport and grabbing him as he walks through the security area and just kiss him and hold him and be lost in that moment. When I pause right now I can picture visiting Destin, FL and being in a restaurant there with Lanny and his two friends as we drank and ate. There was such life to the place. I remember it was red, or that's the color that sticks out. I remember running on the beach at full speed and it making my soles raw because the beach had little pebbles everywhere.

I think that sometimes I'm in love with the idea of being in love.

There's a dinner tonight. I hope I didn't blow it out of proportion by inviting more people. Originally Sebastian called to invite me along with his friend, Jon and Jon's friend. I invited Mark, Chuck, Art and Matt. (oops, & bobby & joey) Hmm... In any case, I plan on having a good time.

A time for...

I started taking notes down today during an online conversation with Matt so that I can put together a one-man show script for him. The idea is exciting to me. It fills me with life.

I ended a phone call with Chuck abuptly today because of his "joking." It wasn't even a joke about me (directly) but I just found myself with the intense feeling of not wanting to listen to negativity. It sucks, because I really enjoy him as my friend most of the time.

Still have heard nothing from Mark. My logical mind says that he's busy with work, singing and boys. Chuck said something online the other day about him needing to make new friends. Maybe I do too.

I was talking to Sebastian and made plans to have dinner in Laguna with he and his friend Jon. Happy.

I can't wait for my birthday weekend. Two weeks from today. I'm looking forward to being around people that I love.

I got very sad and teary-eyed thinking of Randy again today. I think that's something for my next meeting with Kathryn. It's a similar feeling that I feel when I think of Grandma, but with her it's manageable because she's not here.

I feel Pretty... and witty... and...

I forced myself to sleep even after I woke up the first time. I woke up to an empty house at 5pm. It was dark outside.

I managed not to talk to anyone on the phone. That might sound bad and isolationistic, but I just really wanted some "me time." Chuck, Douglas, Nathan and Dave called. I returned a call to Chuck to get his voice mail. I watched TV and filled out the California SDI paperwork. I thought I was done with paperwork, but I'm realizing that I still have that last leg of the run to make.

I removed AOL from my computer. I'm in the process of transferring files to www.xdrive.com so that I can easily access them wherever I happen to be.

"Elephant" by Gus Van Sant is a movie I think I'd like to see.

My tattoo is really starting to itch. Chuck says that it will scab over then peel off and fade a bit. If the skin is an organ, the trauma to it must shift the energies of the body for some time while it heals.

I'm treating my job as if it was how I looked at school when I excelled at it. My stats are important to me, being that *perfect* star student. Here, like school, I think I'm finding myself in that position by circumstance rather than by impetus. I won't fret...it's only until the end of the year.

I feel... a sense of worry because I haven't talked to Mark all week. Not sure what that feeling is about exactly. Probably insecurity. I need to call Nathan back, something I'll probably do on my walk home this morning. I worry about him too, but I must do so with a caution to my own self. I still have thoughts of Randy (B)...thoughts of spending Thanksgiving without him or his family--as stiff as it was, it was something that touched my heart. I wrote Randy (A) a response e-mail finally. In it I mentioned how deeply my break-up with Randy (B) has cut me. The incision so deep that it has unleashed so many of my pushed down demons. Instead of trying to keep the feelings suppressed, I'm trying to let them out in a controlled way... like the other day telling chuck that it hurts my feelings sometimes when innocent jokes are taken too far. There are other things that I am working to find words or actions for with other people and in time I'm sure I will.

First Day Back

I come back to work at a wireless phone company and leave my wireless phone at home.

Sebastian and I had dinner at Outback Steakhouse last night. For the first time I ordered fish there instead of steak. It was a conscious choice. I think to make up for 5 refills of regular coke that I drank. We had to have some reason to have Felipe return to our table again, and again and again. Wow... both Sebastian and I were taken by him.

I put down some goals for next month. Reviewing them right now it seems like I'm putting a lot on my plate, but I think that's normal for me just coming out of the gates. I feel re-charged. Items:

-Read a book a month
-Write a letter a week to someone
-Read magazines
-Scan all pictures
-Phase out caffeine
-"me time" 15-20min a day
-Walk for 45-60min on days that I don't bike
-Dance
-Journal daily

I finished up the bulk of cleaning my room yesterday. You can see the carpet again. I've made a small, cozy area to play The Cube. While cleaning, I came across the picture packaging for some underwear that I bought. Douglas has somewhat of a fetish so I clipped the pictures and mailed them to him. It's probably a mixed message knowing that I'm resolving still that I shouldn't be dating. It's this conflict in me that must be resolved. I look around and see that I am not the only one and I think it's just part of our nature to be like this.

I told Chuck today that it hurts my feelings when he takes some jokes too far. It was hard for me to fess up to that and it shouldn't have been. I've spent a lifetime of creating an illusion of certain strengths while never truly exercising all of my real ones. It ends now.

Day Treatment 11

I bought the soundtrack to KILL BILL earlier this week. I've been listening to it and reliving the moments of each scene. I've been getting the emotion tingles through my body. I've actually been feeling that a lot more: Feeling the tingle in moments. The tears are more easily flowing, but not always on sad thoughts. It feels good to be able to cry. I say that because it's a feeling that I was allowed to have and a way that I always coped growing up. I can cry at joyous things as well; babies and the frolic of children always have me in or near that state.

I'm buying a lot of CD's and DVD's lately. Shopping therapy, but more than that, muisc and movies are forms of expression--art--that I have a passion for. Always have. As Ali would acknowledge, I have an ear/eye for them.

Day Treatment 10

I identified today that the depression preceeded any usage or addiction. The therapist in Sacramento through EAP suggested meds. Francisco in '97 suggested the same thing. The drugs and drinking didn't start until way after that. It's always been the pain inside that I've never wanted to deal with; never known how.

Day Treatment 9

I had a late last night. I was unsure if it was something I should have done at this point and time while focusing on myself. I 'm glad I went. Something--instinct--told me to go despite feeling tired and plodding through traffic. More on this later.

Kaiser is showing a video on HIV/AIDS with a production date ofo 1994. I shake my head at how old this is compared to what we know now. Yesterday I crystalized a thought while being berraged by the rest of the group about my lack of spirituality or belief in a "higher power." I believe in the higher power of the self. Someone remarked that no matter where you go, there you are. Simply, no matter what environmental factors you change, you have to deal with yourself & what's in your own head. Ultimately, it is the addict who makes the decision to goto a meeting, to continue to go, to pick themselves up and go back after relapse. ((Even if intervention is performed, or court order, the self has the ultimately decision to continue treatment or not to do so.)) I believe in the energy cycling inside of each of us that is recycled from matter through time. The energy particles are connected to things in other people--links of the past and present that are eternal. No matter how strong the bonds of people are, it's you that makes the final decision on the type of life to lead.

Can people influence you? Sure.

Treatment Day 8

Have I put off going to the gym because it perpetuates a depression that I can point to or struggle with? If I know what I can look like and how good it is... do I keep this from myself because I feel I don't deserve it?

Treatment Day 7

I feel myself automatically not wanting to feel again. I feel like I have made progress in opening up and starting to share, but a sense of danger is associated with this and without even trying to close up I'm doing it.

Yesterday, I stopped my journal entry after starting to express something bad I was feeling. Uncomfortable. I never did return to the thought or try to work it through. Maybe I'm not ready, but that shouldn't throw me back to square one. Square one is safe, predictable. There are set boundaries...equal on all sides. But, true to a square, it's a false sense of security because feelings--like a wise enemy--learn that there are ways over and around boundaries. It's not cube one, it's square one, so the walls that are so strong to repel the armies of one's self are no match for the cunning of emotions that are simply piled higher and higher and eventually spilling over the wall that cannot be built as fast as the emotions come.

I woke up to my phone ringing. It was Chuck. After our conversation ended, I saw that I had two voice mail messages that I slept through. When I don't hear my phone ring I know that I'm in a deep sleep that I really need or else the sound would wake me. One of the messages was from Mark (sure, I could say Mark W, but why?) and the other was from my Mother. What do I want and/or need to say to her?

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A first pass at the answer:
I keep you at a distance until I feel it's safe enough to approach you without being hurt. When I'm around you and I feel that hurt coming back I withdraw, retreat back to some place that I feel safe again. Sometimes I'm able to look at you as a person and not a mother and in that light I can say that no one person is perfect. No one person is without flaws, and that being the case, you're human like me; you make mistakes and that's okay. Unfortunately, that is not how I'm able to see you most of the time.

Most of the time.........and just typing right now my fingers halted with such pain. And I'm breaking down.

And I can't stop crying. (long pause)

I take a deep breath, through my mouth as my nose is stuffed from crying. I wipe away the streams of tears from my cheeks, chin & the small resevoirs where one's bags are stored. My breathing becomes more regulated again and I wonder what just happened to me. What hit me so hard that everything folded in and took away my spirit? Even right now as I try to slow my head down and analyze, that powerful feeling comes over me again and I get glossy eyes. It's a child in me that is weeping all the time. It's a part of Jeremy that was never allowed to grow up or be himself so now in adulthood he's lost because how do you develop a part of you that was stunted before the skills to develop were nurtured? All these years later I am still so angry and hurt that I was left to endure the pain of abuse---YES ABUSE---without acknowledgement or acceptance or responsibility from you as a parent. Too many times I have heard, "He was a good provider. He was there when your father wasn't. He made sure you were fed and clothed. It only happened a couple of times." These excuses mean nothing to a child. If Ruben were to have run me over with a car would it have been okay to say, "Well...he only did it one time." Were the abuse to have been sexual in nature and I were to have been raped just ONE TIME, would it be acceptable to say, "He was a good provider?" What I don't think you have ever understood in all of my pain is that I have been so hurt & lost that I have never been able to explain these feelings------I'm afraid to. Sharing feelings was never allowed in our family. I was made to cry when I tried to share my feelings a child. I didn't always have the words to express exactly what I was feeling so I was made silent because saying nothing was better than being spanked or hit for saying something honest.

These days, when I try to share I see how you change the subject or don't want to talk about it or EVEN WORSE... how you push back on me as if I just need to "grow up" and get over it. HOW DO YOU GET OVER SOMETHING THAT CRIPPLED YOU BEFORE YOU WERE OLD ENOUGH TO LEARN HOW TO DEAL WITH THE REAL ISSUES OF LIFE? To this day I can't have normal relationships with other males/men. I don't date people that are older than me, bigger than me, stronger than me. Of course, I never realized that right away... but the pattern became evident over time.

I love you. I realize that you're the only mother I'm ever going to have. I've tried very hard to keep our relationship moving forward because that's important to me, but it's exceptionally difficult when I carry this around with me. And often--and I know you feel it or sense it--I am unable to reconcile the two feelings in me and so I don't call, or withdraw, or will visit and then leave. I'm sure there is much more that is going on in side of me, but I need to go back to cleaning because I don't want to wallow in this feeling any more right now. I feel weak and I need to feel strong again.

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Gee... who knew that was in me? As much as it hurt to type it, it felt good to get out. But what now? Back to cleaning the room. Maybe when it looks nice again I'll be surrounded by a comfort to feel secure and explore more later.

Two people "graduated" from group today. When I'm honest with myself I see the sensitive side of me surface with words of love and encouragement and I love that part of me. I can see how when I share myself--that part of me--how their eyes change. I've always had that miraculous relationship with my close friends. It's so warm and I glimpse the kind of person I want to be without fear, without walls up, without a primitive self-preservation instinct that was over-stimulated as a child and never told that it could be turned off. This group experience overall is great. I can take what I need from the time and leave behind what works well for the rest.

Treatment Day 6

I need to write Randy Avery and apologize. It's been in my head for a while---a long time; ever since I made the last entry here about spending the night with him months ago.

Treatment Day 5

Dinner with Byron went well. I can see this man that he has become and it doesn't match the memory of the little brother that I have. That person will only be a memory now. He was 15 when he smoked pot for the 1st time. The Navy exposed him to a slew of other drugs.

Jose and I hung out. Lot's of fun. Tigerheat...80's dancing... FUBAR....strip contest to the music "Fucking on the Dancefloor"...WeHo strip.... IHOP...hot chocolate, Banana Pankcakes... people in the booth next to us, Jose driving home, spent the night on the couch...wake up to Alarm---->$100.

I think my next "cut-out" will be caffeine. Hello headaches.

He looks like Tony Almeda (sp?) this guy in the class. Strangely attracted to him. Num num. With the Zoloft a week out of my system, I think my sex drive is coming back. We shall see when it's completely gone over the next week.

Treatment Day 4

Byron called me yesterday and left a message to have dinner with me tonight. I don't know if it's because he wants the phone or because my mother talked to him because I wasn't responding well t her. Whatever the case, a part of me is happy to have the meeting. A part of me feels lost---not knowing what to talk about. We are strangers.

Last night I went to "The Boom" with Art, Mark & Chuck. As we got in line to go in, Eddy & James were right in front of us. Ha ha, a good chuckle. Steve Tanny was there. I visited with Ali for a while. Jonathan said hello. There was plenty to look at, but I was disinterested. I think I will be for a while as I'm finding more ways to remove my armor so that I can expose myself to myself. Hmm...where to go to dinner with Byron?

Treatment Day 3

Saw the 1st showing of The Matrix: Revolutions at The Block. I cried at the opening because of references to love and what it means. I don't know that anything could have been a fitting end to the movie trilogy because the original was such a phenomenon really.

Sitting here the past few days I remember feeling the pieces of me being stripped away by Ruben. I remember never being able to express--in words--how I felt inside or that even if I had them. (feelings) I see this picture of myself staring in his eyes while my eyes would well up with tears and he would taunt me about crying. I was always trying to exert my own personality, but anytime I would show that person, it would be crushed. Looking back now I'm not sure that I ever really liked school, but it was an easy way to get some amount of approval from Ruben. It also was a safe place where he couldn't hurt me. Sadly, he is the only father-figure I will ever have. The person who has blacked out years of my memory. I'm angry and each time I try and let go of that I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to talk to my mother. I don't always have respect for her... and then, there is LOVE.

Smiley faces have been in my life as a way of keeping a reminder of who I want to be. And how it just makes me cry when the two worlds collide.

A couple of times today I've pictured holding & hugging Chuck.

The internet is a way of avoiding.. It's like anything that takes me away.

Treatment Day 2

They want me to chronicle in a journal. They don't know how often I write. The second mourning of group was focused on two people mainly. Sitting and listening, I realize how lucky I am or have been. On paper, I feel like a loser by my own standards. The whole idea behind this program is that you have to admit that you have no control over usage---that your poison of choice is more powerful than you. Hog wash. But I can see how some of the people here need to believe that for themselves. Mark W. and I are probably on the same page here. Now it's time for a Hepatitis C video. New fact: Hepatitis simply means an inflammation of the liver.

Yo! Ga! I almost fell asleep. At one moment of the guided meditation, the yoga person said something--->Think of love, breath it in---> and I started to cry.

Emotionally stunted at 16 or 17 because of Ruben. So I know this and it effects all of my interactions so why can't I move past it?

Tears in my eyes again---- when people who aren't that bright use eloquent words to describe their feelings, the realness of it touches me.

Treatment Day 1

What am I doing here? I've tuned out of this video because it's heavily ingrained in "god" - blah blah blah. I've surrounded myself by good people. I've always done that. Mom remarked yesterday how she has never met a friend of mine that she didn't like.

When I ask friends if they think I have a problem with drinking, they say no. If I ask the same question about drug usage--they say yes. I think this is simply because they will drink themselves, but they do not do drugs.

I don't know what is going on with work and that bothers me. STRESS... do I have a job still?

I feel like I'm in Mr. McCoy's science class in 8th grade. Brandi Carrick and I sat together; lab partners. That class & P.E. Class.

People go through years of schooling to spew these words out and I see now why there is such an industry for this.

!!! The 40 year old Chuck is my class !!! OMG---TOTALLY!!!

These counselors have a way of "dragging" their words.

Entering Myself

In twelve hours I start something that scares me. I don't know that I completely agree with it. I know that there's a part of me that feels very dumb. Something that Arturo said in an IM earlier today made me feel a little better. We were discussing how stupid I feel and he referenced that even the best lawyers hire other lawyers to represent them in court.

I've never been good at asking for help.

I just realized as I'm typing that I never called Jeremy back today. I said I would. It's 3:45am. I think I'll go and leave him a quick e-mail during my break. He invited me to goto a cemetery to watch a movie. Jeremy is totally creative that way. ((And no, I'm not talking about myself in the 3rd person... it's Jeremy Irvine.))

How come the cuticle skin creeps up after you push it down? Perhaps it grows as the nail grows? They both just keep growing. Growing... growing. And here I am.

Growing but not learning. Or... learning and not listening to myself.

I just don't feel like writing lately with so much rampage inside.

Criminal Behavior

Riding into work tonight, Irvine Police decide to pull me over because the bike I'm riding--on the sidewalk up above and away from street traffic about 10 feet--doesn't have a headlight or tail light. This is what being a police officer is all about.

He let me go with a warning. What a nice guy. And I didn't even have to give him a blow job or follow him back to his home and...

yay yay yays

Online people are whack sometimes. Enough said about that.

A long absence again. A lot on my mind---clouded. A lot of good stuff and nothing too bad really. I don't believe I've ever typed that before. So, what's the good stuff? With my car totaled and the loan payed off, I'm completely debt free. In fact, I suppose if I count my savings and 401k I actually have what fancy finance people would call a "positive net worth." Ugh... as if one's net worth could only be described in terms of money. So with the financial stress gone I've been in shopping therapy mode for the past week or so. I have a Game Cube again. Yay.

I received my blogger pull-over sweatshirt in the mail. It's warm.

Quiet Thoughts

I woke up at 2:30am. Napping right before work is *not* the best idea because my body all too naturally drifts back to being asleep during the dark hours... hahahaha... "dark hours" Sounds like something that would be said in a movie with a heavy Catholic theme, some type of demonic possession and/or "evil" that The Church has to stamp out....fade into a council of very gaunt and serious faces where a bishop says, "Make no mistake, these are the dark hours, and we will be judged without mercy." Hmm.... what an imagination. But yeah.. waking up at 2:30am is not a good thing when you don't have a car and you're going to be riding a bike to work for the first time. Walking the distance between work & home is about an hour. Riding the bike was about 20 minutes. Tonight, in my frantic state I made it in about 15 minutes. I bet I could do it in close to 10 if I really had to. (I'd be soaking wet, but I could probably do it)

Paul came over yesterday after his interview at Black Angus. From his description it sounded like the interview was just a formality of the process of being hired. Good for him. He looked very sharp in his interview clothes. Spiffy. (Another word that I seldom use.) We walked around the lake, went to Mervyn's and then ordered pizza at the house while watching "Boy's Life." While he was trying on pants, I decided that I needed to look at shoes. My Imelda Marcos tendancies came out....and three pairs of shoes later, I had two big Mervyn's bags to carry out to Paul's truck.

I was feeling really affectionate when Paul was over. Playful. While walking around the lake I was quacking back at the ducks, throwing little rocks in the water that they thought was food so they would come rushing near. We all act like those ducks sometimes.

I really feel much better lately. I think this change in vehicle situation, making cash flow positive again has lightened a load off my shoudlers. Financial straits have always caused the most stress for me. It triggers my depressive state of being immobile.

I'm drifting now. 6am. 15 minutes until lunchtime and a nap.

Mulling oVer

I heave forward in giggles at the thoughts of last night's friendly frolicking. My attempts at being evil were thwarted by the full moon...and oh how I tried, but the world wasn't having it. "Kill Bill" was very entertaining. Glad Sebastian decided to come out and see it with us.Definitely something to see again at full price. Boy Bar was a pleasant night. Art, Chuck, Mark, Javier, Julian, Shawn, Carlos, et. al. Music was mediocre, but I expected that much.

And now I'm walking home from work. =)

Blogging Around

Your mind can play tricks on you---so wouldn't that just be YOU playing tricks with YOU? I woke up at some point in the middle of the night and although I knew I was awake, there was something in the corner of my bedroom--near the ceiling--that made me do a double & triple take.... I was squinting, but it seriously looked like there was an obersvation window in my room. Something similar to the beginning of Space Mountain at Disneyland where you're facing the people in the "control room" area. I looked to my right (my side..hehe) and saw Paul sleeping. I looked back up to the ceiling and there seemed to be shadows of people moving. It bothered me that I knew I was awake and couldn't make out what was really going on.

This morning when I looked at the ceiling, I laughed... The smoke detector has a green light on it. In my groggy state, my eyes would've been blurry and somehow I made the starbursting light into a window. So why would the trick I play on myself be one of someone observing me? I know it's because I feel that this is what's going on with people thinking about Paul and me. Simply for the fact that we have people we know in common. If we were two strangers, the general feeling would be that of interest from friends wanting to get to know the person that we're interested in, but because most of these people already know that information, now it's just a sense that they're trying to figure out if we make a good pair, how long would it last, blah blah... the typical faggy things that make gossip & soccer mom chats. And yet we love them for it all.

The last 24-36 hours with Paul were a perfect expression and exchange of where and who I like being. He got to see me with my friends, see me drunk, see me by myself, see me in panic mode with my lost keys, see me in deep thought mode, lay in silence watching Pulp Fiction, kiss and heat up with the window cracked to cool me down. He's been exposed to my meds and the history behind them. (Accompanying me to a psyche appointment nonetheless...lol) I'm learning more and more about the "women" of his life and the pathways that make Paul. I'm happy with our pacing. I realize I'm in "infatuation territory" but rather than analyze that, I'm simply just enjoying it. yay.

My car has been totalled. At 2:30pm today I'll be at the Progressive Insurancce office to claim my check for approximately $3,600.00. Total payout: $11,359.62 or which $7,719.00 was paid directly to Chase Bank for my loan amount. After weighing my options for the last week, I've decided to get a motorcycle and forgo another car payment right now. I've already changed my vehicle insurance policy to just follow me as a driver for liability and no specific car. I'm waiting to hear about a safety training course to take and also hear back from people regarding bike (motorcycle) info. In the interim with no vehicle and no motorcycle license, I'll be using Chuck's mountain bike to commute the 3.6 miles to and from work. :-)

It's gray outside. Very gray. Noon.

LOST IN LIKE?

I'm still waiting to hear the resolution with the resolution to whether or not my car is a total loss or not. Tomorrow should be

http://www.apa.org/pubinfo/answers.html
That link is for my new friend, Joe. The information should be printed out, given to the "therapist" that his parents have set-up for him. It should be pounded into his parents' skulls. I will never understand how a parent could choose religious prejudice over the love for their child. This ugly ignorance pains me. How lucky am I? Very. I think that's why I've always tried to give back in supporting those out there that do not have the family love that I have felt. It's why I used to volunteer to run the youth group, why I speak for PFLAG and why I still find such a strong bond with the generations new to their coming out that have no direction.

I've been spending a lot more time online. In comparison to when? Hmm... I don't have a sense in comparison to a specific time frame. It just feels like I'm online more. Perhaps because I'm talking to so many more random people. Is it because I'm searching for connections to this world? Is it because I'm lonely? Is it because I'm feeling a bit more open and social? Is it because I'm too lazy to be out in public, or am I afraid to go in public? Is it because...... blah blah blah. This is what my mind is like all the time. So instead of trying to find the details---which cause endless questions for more details, I would prefer to just know what I do and then either continue or stop. The point of remarking on my online time is because there are certain people that I speak with regularity and there are those that I see and will say a word here and there to. Paul would be one of the latter. (Hehe.. I just got that funny tummy feeling typing his name.)

Impressions... cute, interesting, friendly, awesome kisser, warm. Cuddles. We'll definitely be spending more time together. My arms are sore. Hahahaha. It felt nice to have him run his hands on my head.

I can barely keep my eyes open: 6:45am. Lunch break in 15. A breakfast Jack from Jack In The Box sounds delish. (I can't believe I just typed "delish.")

Phaedra is the cool "chick" at my work that I love to make laugh. Usually it's by saying something crazy. Today, when she came in and sat down I sent her an instant message that said, "I bet I can make you laugh." She said, "How?" I responded with: "I'm having a FATTY Day."

Smashing!

CAR CHALLENGED:
I have a knack for hitting guard rails and center dividers. First in rain on a freeway onramp in Sacramento by myself when a truck in front of me spun out of control so I swerved to avoid hitting him, then in traffic on the 105 FWY after picking up Philip from LAX w/Tom House in the car, another time at night from the 15FWY Southbound transitioning to the 60FWY Westbound there was a semi truck stopped on the curved merge lane and I swerved into the wall at the last minute instead of hitting the truch. (Bobby & Joey were with me for that one.) Early Monday morning on the 29th, I was flying through Carbon Canyon to get to work on time when the fog obscured the sharpness of a turn and I--for lack of elegant terms--"eat it."

Clearing the Fog

I see myself as this really good person sometimes. Like... not good in the sense that I'm a saint, but good in that I think I'm a good role model in how people should treat one another. When I'm online talking to people, there's a kindness in me that surfaces. Whether I'm interested in the person or simply chatting I try to be kind. I want to be....

Then there is the banter in chat rooms where I can be caddy; sarcastic. It's a side of me that is playful---more so with friends. It's a side that likes to play rough. Never with intention of hurting someone. I love making people feel good. I like it when I kiss someone and can feel the pleasure in the pressure being pressed back from their lips. I love seeing that deep smile in their eyes. I love hearing the breathing and slight sounds from every light touch of my fingers over their body as well as louder and harder friction as temperatures rise.

So this last week it's been hard to keep with my "nun vows." LoL. I still don't want to actually fuck with strangers, but sex drive has started to increase exponentially. Some people have asked why I'm avoiding sex on purpose and really it's quite simple: I don't derive any pleasure from random fucking. I don't enjoy it because I'm not mentally connected with the person. Anything other than fucking I can get myself in the mind frame, but that's just a level that I haven't really been able to share since Randy and probably won't until the next guy that I love comes into the piture.

The picture. It's definitely impressionism at this point and I'm only standing about five feet away still trying to focus on specifics. I'm slowly walking backwards. Things begin to come into focus. I'm not sure that I like everything that I see. There are intense connections to people that I have allowed to be suppressed over the years. I think of chuck and Lanny. Although I don't want to, Randy is there too. The fact that all these people are surfacing lets me know that all I ever really did when things ended was move on without understanding why I sought out the chaos of our togetherness. Why I still think about it. There's a level of alertness and knowing that I'm alive in feeling rage. It's not all rage though, alas, it can't be. Now I'm standing 10 feet away and I see the outline of the blueprint and I'm agast that this is the way I was built. Remodeling so expensive and I'm over-extended on my emotional loans.

So I tried experimenting this week with incorporating the blueprint into my sex life. It was interesting. My sense is that if I were to submit to this lifestyle of bondage, domination & submission---it would be accepting that the blueprint is not going to change and that I am victim to it's struture. Admittedly, there is some solace to this thought. Relief almost. But I also know how much I can't stay living one particular way for long periods. In simulating submissiveness I replayed what was going on in my head---slow motion style---being a child and powerless to the things in my life. All I wanted was tenderness...and in the midst of my interaction this week, I saw how the relationship between master/slave, boy/man, etc... works because there is that tenderness somehow shown in it's very specific way.

It's not the kind I want... I will just play the kink every once in a while with a cool, compatible cat. =)

40 minutes left at work. I really should go home and sleep but I'm starting to get all worked up again.... lol. Life. Life. life....

Ramble Bramble

Yesterday I took part in Gary & Chris' day of joy. It was a beautiful sunset on Crystal Cove state beach. We couldn't hear a word of what was being spoken over the crashing waves, but somehow it wasn't the words that were important, only the gathering of friends and family to be part of the public joining of their two lives. I saw a gay couple with a little baby and I felt that feeling that I'm sure my mom has when she sees a baby. I wanted one. I saw people I used to work with at Ingram Micro. I saw people from PFLAG. I met new people that I will probably never see again. My attempt at being "social" went over well, I think. It turns out that I'm actually very hospitable when I wish to be.

I think 100mg is too much so I'm cutting myself back to 50mg today. I find that although not really as depressed, I'm just lying around not doing anything. This makes the happy little love chubs "roll" with pleasure. It's really disgusting me so I must act.

When I don't want to deal with something or someone I just avoid them. I think I've done this with this guy Scott at work because I'm not exacty sure what to do.

I was being bad online last night. (I think) You know how certain drugs have the opposite effect on certain people than what it normally would on most? Like the way some drugs are supposed to make one drowsy and it actually amps up other people. Alcohol seems to be that way for me. I'm what is classically known as a "happy drunk." I laugh, dance, become more friendly---although still sharply stating what's on my mind if I feel like it. The day after some in depth drinking session I'm usually very cheery, polite. All this morning at work I've been extra up-beat on my calls. I don't know why this is. It was the same on ecstasy... while others have these major mood swing come downs immediately following and in the days after, I would always spring up from sleep refreshed and never felt any lows afterward. Jeremy chemistry 101.

So anyway, being bad. I was talking to Jayson & Christian and I invited them to Tuesday nights. I was also talking to Mitch. I was talking to Joe. I was talking to Chuck.

Rey's b-day party was on Saturday Night. It was a carnival of drama and I was happy to sit back and watch the show. A guy named Marty was obsessed with me. Beer bongs chug chugged in the backyard. Jeremy & Chuck kissed. Chuck & Eddie spent too much time together. James and Eddie fought and James left. A boy named Andy was beautiful, but when I asked what school he went to his response was, "I'm currently in home school in the Long Beach School District." Aye!

I'm going to "Monday Night Supper Club" tonight. It's something different... so I'm trying it.

Jonathan is a nice guy that I've met in the last week, but I still don't think that I'm ready to date and I don't know that he's all that interested in me anyway. I had wicked dreams yesterday... I woke up trying to fathom everything, but it was all jumbled & weird. All that's left in my memory now is a sense that the dreams were a prelude to some sort of change that is near. How I know that---I don't know. It's what I sense and it's that eerie feeling.

Not having I think is starting to get to me.

Revelations 2.0

5:16am I'm surprisingly alert right now. Not 45 minutes before coming into work tonight I was sitting on the couch at home eating Ben & Jerry's Cookie Dough ice cream and ready to close my eyes and drift into slumber. Now, 3 1/2 hours later, I'm having ideas and writing e-mails to people.

I have a committment ceremony that I'm going to on Sunday. I've never been to one before. It's for Gary & his boyfriend/partner, Chris. I've decided to write them a poem as a gift. Hahahaha... a poem about love and committment and a life together from a soul that is still healing.

I wonder what I would've been like had certain events not happened to carve out a very defensive and anti-authoritarian side to my personality. It's always on guard. Even in recent years when I have tamed this side, it operates in the background of my mind like a computer program that is always running but you never notice. I have such passionate surges of desire and equally strong curiosities of things I sense. There is anger that has been cornered and caged. There is rational and irrational tugging--- and aye, I feel heat that hasn't flashed in many weeks.

What a drag

Why do Asians drag their feet? I don't mean figuratively because the stereotype is that they are quite efficient and productive... I mean LITERALLY... drag their feet? That sound of shoes, flip-flops, sandles... shhhck shhhck-ing on the ground.

Lunchtime Nap Dream

the old gray van... hills... muddy roads... houses in the hills.. new housing track.... sluggish response to drivign the van...very slow movement... hit a parked car and I stopped when I saw that the driver was in the car....didn't see any damage, but wanted to have the van pulled up next to the car so we could see, I turned the van around and brought it next to the car and a piece of another vehicle was on the van but when trying to match it up to the car it did not match.

Inside of a mansion house... trying to escape. Helping others to get out. Pushing some type of furniture... sluggish, like the van was. Made it to the ground floor where training classes, like corporate trainings were going on in different rooms. Rooms reminded me of hotel style conference rooms. Each had state of the art presentation equipment and people were dressed very businesslike. I followed a woman who was supposed to be helping me into the room but she told me that I could be there and sent me back to the lobby.

Passing Away

What does it say when your trick has to come back to your door and ring the doorbell at 8am to get a jump because he left the lights on and his car won't start?

In my late teens, stress was always physically manifested in my lower back. The height of the pain was when I was 19 and moving to Sacramento. I was playing tennis with Arturo and my back completely gave out on me. Nowadays, the stress settles in my lower neck and shoulders. It limits my range of motion tilting my head side to side.

It's Friday. My Monday. 9am. Two hours to go and then I'm home to sleep. I feel drained. I was wide awake when I started working. I took my dose around the time that I started work and I think that it may have started the sleepies around 6:30am. I'll play with the dose again tomorrow and try taking it around 8 so that I can be sleepy by 12.

I am a mountain

The bruise is completely gone now. It faded sometime overnight because I saw it yesterday before I went out. I don't heal as fast as I used to. This will get progressively worse, I know.

Today I found myself online a lot. I got home from Matt's and took my vitamins with some green tea. I napped. I went back online. I was reading people's profiles more than anything. I'm still searching for that connectedness and realized that I've isolated myself so much lately from how hurt I've been. I've been very afraid just to be "out" and open. I'm protecting myself the only way I've known how for so long, but it has it's failings.

Matt told me yesterday that I'm more "moral" than most people. Although I think it, I've never had anyone tell me that before. I have a perspective of a perfect world where no one deceives, no one inflicts pain, no one bruises the heart and soul of another because they know to do so is to hurt themselves. The standards that I try to hold myself to and live by I know I impose on others subconsciously. On the surface I want to be open-minded and allow for whatever lifestyle makes one happy without hurting another, but I know that certain choices of life are shrouded in a picture of happiness that will run as soon as the first splash of water hits it. The happines fades away... and the picture perfect lives turn out to be hollow sketches.

I have little motivation these days than that of sitting at the beach. Eating. Laughing with friends. Maybe that's everything to life as I see it.

Connecting the Disconnects

Some entries ago I mentioned the significance of friendster.com connections. The same significance would tie into the photographs pinned on the cube wall in front of me. In the months after Randy and I ended and before I started on anti-depressants I withdrew from everyone. I felt little to no connections with them. Since May, I've not been as withdrawn, but the meaningful connections with people have felt scarce. I thought if I could physically "SEE" the people I would be more apt to actually feel something. Sometimes this works. On friendster.com it goes one step further to actually show a string of connections.

But just because I can show a connection doesn't mean that I feel it. I'm related by blood to my family, but sometimes they're more distant than anyone in my life. It's painful to have connections erased, removed, shifted. When they fade or disappear, I feel that. The parts of me that feel that loss then thicken like calloused skin. Eventually, there is nothing left to feel because I have "saved" or prevented myself from feeling bad at all. But this creates its own pain....the pain of having no one--or at least feeling such.

In the past couple weeks I've opened doors to the past that I closed because it was right to do so at the time. In feeling the warmth toward these people I know that it's just me fishing for feeling at all. Yes, true I do have those feelings, but simply having them does not warrant overriding the intellectual part of me that knows why I keep the feelings at bay. To love is not enough. (Even if in my heart I wish it were.)

Last night we had another Bravo Tuesday. It was fun to me when it first started, but I was happy to see most of the people go last night. To be honest, I think part of it had to do with that it was a nice time to share with Ryan and I've lost that. Yet another example of my head knowing what is right and my heart not letting go.

Chuck bruised my right forearm. It looks bad, but there's no pain around it. I spent Sunday, Monday & Tuesday at the beach. I baked in the gray skies. We can comfort each other and point out flaws but we seem not to have any middle ground. Two broken pieces do not make something whole.

Nathan came down for the weekend. Friday night we were out in West Hollywood and it was nice to enjoy the time with him. Saturday Night was an impromptu trip to the Cher concert. Haha...I must be gay if the first concert I went to in high school was Kenny G and the 2nd concert was over 10 years later for Cher. I enjoyed the lawn seating at the pavilion. Lesbian Land. We never knew she had such a following. When the concert was over, we had seen "Dan" from Bravo's "Boy Meets Boy," drank way too much Smirnoff Ice and danced in the dirt-field parking to Art's best CD. A completely fun night for me. Now that Nathan has gone back home, I'm adjusting again.

Yesterday (Wednesday) I started 100mg of Zoloft. I was supposed to have been up to this level a couple weeks ago, but I maintained at 75mg for a bit longer to allow my body time to adjust. Here's a thought... I haven't partied since March. Six months now. This is the longest period of time that I've abstained since starting four years ago. The party scene I became tired with for sure. I'd have to say that the desire to reach the deep place of seeing inside myself has been a feeling that I've wanted to satiate a few times in the last several months. I'm not sure if it's the knowledge that I simply can't and it would be a waste of money or if I just don't want it that I haven't. On the anti-depressants, there are moments when I feel like I felt on E the day after or after the peak when yawning or clenching my jaw. Nowhere near as strong, but similar. No big surprise seeing as each drug is acting upon the same area of the brain.

This turned out to be a much longer entry than I thought it would. I never know what I'm going to say. Sometimes I feel like there's a lot to let out and only a few sentences get out. Today, it was just the opposite.

I still feel very disconnected.

Beach Brainstorm

What type of transmission have I been sending to the receivers around me? As I lay on the beach by myself, chewing chunks of fruit and listening to my music. Bouncing my head to the beat. It's Ali's CD. I'm trying not to amke it too loud--I don't want to be a typical fag today--although shirtless on the beach is pretty much jumping on the bandwagon. The bleed of the pen has me writing differently. Crunchy fruit with sticky tropical juice on my fingers. So hungry. I want someone to be next to me an cuddling like last night. It was really nice to be laying next to him again. Why can't he & I get our shit together individually or together. We just keep bumping in the vast darkness of our closed eyes. I wish I could fly fly away. I should run some today. Before Work. Yes yes. I should.

Drift Away

On Thursday morning I woke up in Ontario. It was strange to be back in the last chapter of my life. As I got in my car and started driving down Euclid, I remembered Sebastian was back in school this week preparing his classroom for next week. I thought about Steve Harrison and thought that maybe he'd be at his school preparing so I drove around Riverside Dr., Walnut, Grove & Campus looking for his junior high. I finally found it admid a flurry of construction. Their portable school was being turned into actual buildings.

I parked my car and saw this man pulling a cart behind him. The walk was strangely familiar. I know that sounds weird...how does one recognize another by a walk, but there is a distinctiveness to most of our walks. Fuck.. I'm just observant--albeit with random selectiveness. It was Randy Young, my science teacher from junior high. This was fitting that I should see him first after leaving Randy Avery's house not 20 minutes earlier. I called out to him and he walked me over to Steve's room. Red-face surprise.

He hadn't aged in my eyes. It was a reconnection that made me feel really good. Had to leave for school, but I got his new address to keep in touch.

Nathan is coming here for the weekend. I lucked out and by shift swapping was able to get the entire weekend off. I don't know who is smiling upon me, but this is perfect timing.

I see myself as not specializing. What do I mean by that. I think I mean that I'm not taking any interest in a particular field in life or wanting to become knowledgable of any one thing. I don't read. I don't watch the news. I'm more interested in watching people or spending time with friends. My specialization is people in a way; helping them to see or feel. I'm changed by the experience as well.

I went to Oasis in Upland on Wednesday Night. On the way up, I picked Randy Avery up and we went to go and hang out. The place was not as bad as I remembered it. To me, it was the equivalent of the Inland Empire's Boom Boom Room: a local hangout. We had fun drinking a little and talking. The music was decent. The club is the most mixed male/female place that I can remember for a gay club.

My past with this Randy is from a time in life when I was a child to relationships. I ran before trying to communicate. I didn't know how to express my feelings beyond hurt and anger. It was very new to be loved and love in return. This Randy was really my first, true relationship. When we parted on bad terms, it was very simple just to cast him aside. In later years, we would reconnect, but always be geographically distanced which made it easy to just bury my feelings. (Like Jared & Jeremy never being around to linger, I have put the feelings for them to rest.) Spending the night with Randy took me back to being the affectionate piece of me that never showed through at the time.

I realized that I want to cuddle & companionship, but I don't want a relationship right now. I'm not willing to make the time for a relationship. I want to get me back to a complete person as possible. Right now, although functional, I feel like I'm "getting by." I also feel that things are getting better. I notice little things that I say and do that I'm glad I'm doing again. Speaking up when otherwise I might be silent and vice versa. Closeness to people that I'm feeling again. Clarity to see something although it may be painful. (i.e. Ryan) Being silly again and having fun with it.

Huggies

You can feel a lot in a hug. Some people make it short, casual. There is no squeeze, maybe just a pat on the back. Some people let it linger. Some people rub their hand up and down your back. Some people kiss the cheek or neck--not suggestively.

I was lying here in bed and staring at the ceiling. I thought about when the next I might see Ryan would be. How would that be? I was picturing some type of public place where I was with my friends and he was with his and we noticed each other. I smile a short twitch of the corners of my mouth and do a very subdued hand gesture saying "hi" from a distance and mouthing the words without sound. In his eyes I can see that he doesn't know exactly how to react. I feel somewhat the same inside. I'm happy and sad. Happy for the chance meeting again, sad because it forces memories. We hug, and I don't want to let go.

A hug can be very close.

Standing in the dark of night under the moon & stars and the train goes by

6:56am Oh my god.. the kiss.. the kiss... the kiss. (hmm...what would be my god exactly?) Holding him and smelling him and feeling him. It's all so poignant. It's what I want.

Rainy Eyes

3:46am Emotion taxes. I bet Bush can't help cut those this year or any other. Doubtful that any president has that kind of power. Without an Emotional Tax, we would hardly value the emotion itself. If we could have something effortlessly, without work, then what would be the incentive or drive for wanting it? The perfect example for me is pretty much anything that I have applied myself in work-wise. The jobs are incredibly easy on the task level and therefore I've never really held any value (save my paycheck) with any of the jobs I've had.

I've learned to value the effort it takes in maintaining and sustaining a relationship. It isn't always easy. There are long periods of time that are easy, but there are also intense moments when emotions are strained. I didn't realize how much I cared for Ryan until there was a moment when I knew he wouldn't be coming by anymore. I realized how much he had begun to shape in my world and how I liked that.

I went driving around today. I rushed a shower so that I could make it to IVC by 2pm for my student I.D. card. I walked through the door as the attendant was going to lock it. I could see on his face that he didn't want to let me in, but I forced my way through anyway. The clock in his office still showed 5 minutes til. I liked the picture. When I left the campus, the sun was out, sky was blue, my windows were down and I smiled I think for the first time all week. (A smile that wasn't forced or done in the presence of company.) The music was happy. As I drove down Irvine Center Drive, I thought about Ryan and my smile went away. I responded to an e-mail that he wrote me last night and said was as open and forthright as I think I can be without opening my brain up for inspection.

I spent some time with Mark tonight. I called Ryan. As we were talking and I was driving home I came to the 22/605 FWY split and instinct told me to drive to his house. I felt myself start to fight the instinct off but if I haven't learned to trust it yet I don't know when that lesson will be learned. As I'm sitting on the sidewalk, talking to him, leaning against a tree, I heard the front door open. I thought for sure it was him coming outside, but I was wrong. It was his sister's boyfriend leaving. Here I was looking suspcious lurking out in front of the house, crying, sniffling and he walks right by me to get to his truck. My heart skipped a beat when I thought it was Ryan coming out.

He needs space. I need to give it. And look... school is just four days away.

Oh so random...

I'm just "really" waking up and checking mail and had this thought.... Probably a handful of the people that talk about Randy's Ryan sleeping around themselves are quite the sluts when I think about it. They play the field and have plenty of sex. Jealousy? No, probably not, but I think sometime people fail to look at their own actions or will justify them as a means to an end. I know I do it too.

Attachments so soon

It's the folley & fruitfulness of youth to be driven by passion so early on. That's what I told Sebastian in a conversation I'm having with him online right now regarding Scott in his life. I'm thinking that perhaps not just of youth, but of relationship maturity in general. Experience. Then again, I'm thinking it's the romance winning instead of a person's emotional royal guard. We all die eventually....so enjoy.

Rewetting Drops

1:32am Another Bravo night over. Surprising events to me. It's nice to have my pre-conceived concepts shattered.

I'm about to drift into "la la" sleep...I feel my head getting heavy. I'm on MSN Messenger still trying to decide if I like it or not. Pros and cons to everything. Life.

Jose dropped his phone down the gutter opening in front of our house. I thought it was going to be lost for sure, but we got the manhole cover open and he climbed down to fish it out. I laughed and also felt a sense of, "wow.. that's not something I would normally partake in but I'm glad I did."

Met Brad. Funny thing is he's been to the house before through Art. It's a good thing I make my own decisions on character. I never would have gotten to know Ken otherwise. Perhaps not Eddy now.

Sleep time. Need to solidify some family & friend thoughts soon. What do the friendster.com connections mean to me?

Squeaky hinges

2:42am There was a band/music group called 'Front 242.' Thought of this because of the time.

Can Reese's Pieces soothe the soul and make everything okay again? (I'm sure on a mission to find out.) I keep buying the one pound bags from Sav-on and chowing down on them when I arrive at work. If I live to be 100, I'll attribute it to the candy so that all of the parents of the time will have a hard time arguing with their children about the evils of sugar-foods. Atkins who?

2:58am No music group for this number. It's the week of Fall semester starting. Were Ryan and I just some nice Summer fling that was wonderful while it lasted, but the reality was looming over us the entire time? That would be a nice, movie ending. Doesn't play well in my reality.

Friendster strikes a message from a new person. Brad. Interesting bloke, but 23. Not that I'm looking at the moment--because I'm not. I've decided that there will be no dating for the entire Semester so that I may focus on me and only me. It will give me time to stop being sad about Rye. fuck fuck fuck.. grr

It's not just Ryan. After seeing Grandma Jean last year, I've really had no contact with her or Marthalee. I was hand writing some thoughts down earlier and I came to the conclusion that I don't deal with LOSS very well. I've never really faced it. I think I'll include the thoughts at a later date. They were a lot more thought out than what is on the surface of my mind now. I feel hot all over. It's like the flashes of heat except not flashing, just constant.

I spent much of the weekend with Chuck. I know there's a safety there that I can count on. I always have. We went to Motherload, The Abbey & then Popstarz on Friday night. As much as I could, I had a blast. It was nice to feel attractive, but the eyes were hollow compared to what I wanted.

Matt and I talked about going to a martini bar in Hollywood and getting a manicure. Hahaha. Never had one in my whole life. I think it's supposed to be a bar geared toward women. LINK: http://beautybar.com/HTML/lamain.html

3:37am I saw one of the shooting (falling) stars Saturday night. It was bright. Brilliant. It fell slowly and I thought of what wish I might make.

It brought tears to my eyes.

Strength to be...

Maybe I just simply am not ready yet.

When I told Sebastian & Chuck a week ago that if you don't want anyone to know about something then you can't tell a single person. I was thinking this during the online separation that occurred between Ryan and I. Our talk last night left me empty. Learning one's intent through deceit may satisfy the search for knowledge, but trying to explain this is completely different. Everything I said was true. Everything I felt was correct. But intent equals content...and hurt and anger came through.

I paid for school. Two classes. Tuesday & Thursday. No books. Great.

instinct.
I hate myself sometimes.
it hurts so often

Cages

I said my peace. I'm hurting. I think he is too. I just want honesty. I want communication. I cannot hide away in silence and expect that happiness will rain down magically.

I returned Laney's phone calls from earlier in the week. He wants me to visit him. Apparently he & Shane are definitely done. I cannot entertain the thought of a visit until I know what is going on with Ryan. The gamut of emotions. On the one hand he says he wouldn't deal with this situation if he wer ein my shoes, but also says he wants to be with me. He feels trapped and I've created the situation to feel that way. Dammit.

Grandma Jean's passing on Monday takes another piece of me. I sensed it. It's a deep connection that fades. I understand why people die of broken hearts. They are so intertwined emotionally and spiritually with their mate that the loss cannot be filled. Today is Gradma Jean & Grandma June's birthday. Twins separated are whole again. Though I do not fear death, I do not deal with these losses lightly.

Chuck is a good guy.

I'm hot with emotions. Sniffles. Watery Eyes. If only Nyquil could cure the pain in my heart.

Fantasmic Fantasies

"3:34am We were asleep in the dark and as much as it was what I dreamt about, it was the darkness that I felt creeping in as inevitable as the moment when he would say he had to leave. So I'm crying now. Steady tears from the corners of my eyes, down the bridge of my nose; trickles wiped now and again by the palm of my hand. Oh what pain it is to type this.

He held my hand as we walked down the stairs. I began to cry at that moment. It felt like being gently led out of the closeness to which we had been slowly moving toward over the past two months. I could have protected myself, but that would've meant not being open---not allowing him to see me. (And I wanted him to see everything.) Blink. Blink.

I just wanted to sit and talk with Ryan tonight about where it is that we're going. No, relationships are not perfect roadmaps drawn to scale. I realize this. I also realize that we both start school next week. Time becomes compressed for each of us. Time to spend with each other shifts. I have refrained from the sexual part of our relationship developing to the most intimate levels because I want to be sure that whatever it is we have is something that each of us wants beyond this week or month, but for the future as well. I also cannot allow myself to give and take completely when I know that there is a time limit to how long he can be in my bed. It's like waking to an emptiness after sharing my full heart; removing my amorous armor so that he can touch and take where few have been. I will not explore him that deeply either when I cannot smell his hair in the morning and exchange kisses as the sun rises. And I just wanted to sit and talk about all of this.

But I'm alone in my bed. I'm alone instead."

Data Dating

How do you know when you're ready? (For anything) Some would say that if you have to ask the question, then you're not ready. But there are those among us that will simply ask the question forever and will never know if they're ready unless they try.

I feel myself being freed. But I'm seeing patterns emerge that are remants of the old regime; tride & true structures that tell me I can rely on them because I know the predictable way each will turn out. Blah... what an insult to the cherub spreading his wings again. Vile rules that I will break eventually.

Heavy, heavy eyes. I'm having visions as I close my eyes. One just flashed with my brother, Philip, coming to give me a hug. Earlier, when I was napping, my phone alarm went off and I sat there almost drifting back to sleep but I distinctly saw an image of my self flash saying, "Get up." I so need to sleep. No more not sleeping. I just saw a college dorm room... long couch, talk of using the couch for "therapy" when friends come over to talk. These images are vivid. Too bad I can't tell if they're due to the change in med dosage or to the lack of sleep.

So even though I was disappointed not to see Ryan last night, it was probably for the best. If I had gotten no sleep at all, I would not be able to finish off the last three hours here at work. I REALLY wanted to see him. When I was at Chuck's gathering on Saturday I remembered what makes me great boyfriend material. Even though I see/feel the attraction to other people and may even verbalize and talk about it openly, I'm loyal to the end of time. I thought of this because of the cuteness factor of people there and my buzz. My mind remembered BRONSON in San Francisco when I was in "talks" to get back together with Lanny. I wouldn't kiss him because of that. White tank top. Sweet.

I think...

Pringles are good. Pricks are bad. Strawberries...good. Hairy bears...bad. Friends good. Sad friends... bad.

French Man and Cure

The irony of Ryan's. As I rested against the DJ booth, the music filled my head while I panned the room. My little brothers all drinking or drunk. "The Girl" (Joey's cousin) enjoying the attention. Roommate Art with his diet coke strolling around. Chuck drinking to alter because he's in too much control to do anything else. I was removed from it all. What I find fun has changed. It has changed because I have changed. It has changed because I've grown tired of hiding inside of the crowd.

My appointment went well. I mentioned that I'm not sleeping consistently. She suggested changing the time that I take my medication to when I wake up as opposed to right before I goto bed. If that doesn't work, she'll prescribe some sleeping meds.
I was awake for 28 hours. Slept only 4, and I've been awake since. On my break 30 minutes ago, I slept for 12 minutes. Naps are glorious.

After work yesterday, I had lunch with Ryan. I went to his house. That was nice to be let in. I was in cuddle mode. Tonight at The Boom with everyone, I drifted a lot. I found myself thinking of Ryan. Strange, Bobby & Joey's friend, Ryan, was there too. The moon shimmered on the water like when Ryan and I were watching it last week. Ryan Ryan Ryan Ryan. Can I drown myself in the way I feel and swim at the same time.

Chuck asked me if I thought I would be dead without the meds. It was a question out of nowhere. It was odd. I wondered if it was because he cared or if it was just random.

Ryan asked me the other night while we were watching "GO" if I still used ecstasy. I explained to him that while on the meds I couldn't, even if I wanted to. It was a life changing decision that I made for myself. As quickly as the question was brought up it was dropped.

Philip called me out of the blue a couple days ago. It was nice talking to him. Strange. Good.

Skin so soft. Velvet he said. awe.

Mental Massage

New underwear is fun sometimes. I know I enjoyed mine last night. Here's my rule of thumb.... Got holes? Throw them away. You should always have a variety.... stay away from only one color. Have about 15 pairs of underwear. It's a good number.... allows for two weeks of no laundry and is also half the month. Is the elastic stretched out? Throw them away! Stains? Yeah... I think you get the idea.

I have an appointment today at 3pm to "review" how the Zoloft is working. I'm happy to report no sexual side effects. Haha. I say that but I've not actually tested out the "having" sex yet, but the right and the left hand agree that there's nothing impeding performance. ;-) I still feel like I'm not getting enough consecutive hours of sleep. I feel like I get enough overall/collectively, but I'd much rather sleep through 7-8 hours rather than 3-4 here and then 2 more later. The doc offered sleeping pills last time, but I didn't have that problem then---I could barely stay awake. I think I'll take her up on it today.

I'm going to have lunch with Ryan today. That's definitely something that puts a smile on my face. I briefly mentioned to Chuck online last night that I'm fairly certain much of my apprehension may be irrational fear that I'm carrying around. How very unsettling. Randy called and left me a message yesterday and has begun talking to me online. I'm able to see my lovable side in every expression of affection with Ryan, but I'm still working off the weight of distrust that crushed me with Randy. I'm smart enough to know that these are two separate people. I've always allowed a person the "innocent until proven guilty" assumption. I must remember me. I like him. Falling asleep next to him is a comfort that I miss and enjoy. Ryan touches me and it tickles. I smile or sigh. I rest my head on him. I feel safe. That's what the little voice inside of me reinforces.

There was an article on Yahoo about anti-depressant drugs creating new brain cells. I'm sure more research needs to be done. Doctors studying brain chemistry are like cave men following the stream to the ocean. They watch how it flows, but are clueless as to why or how.

I'm falling asleep at my desk now. I have 25 minutes until lunch. I'll take that time to rest up. Chuck is having a little gathering on Saturday. Ryan will be in Las Vegas all weekend. Randy (Cardwell) is also going to Vegas to visit Nathan. A big part of me would like to go to see Nate as well, but the two of them should have some alone time. The time to myself might do me good as well.

Gotta remember to stretch....

electrodes

I'm too tired to write. But I want to. Here it is.

Neurotica

2:51am Neurosies. Neurosis. Neurotica.

I had a dinner date with Ryan. We ate at Olamendis in Laguna Beach. I liked it. The view from the patio was serene. Our margaritas were nothing to write home about, but strong.

I bought Reeses Pieces on my lunch break yesterday. "Peanut Butter candy in a crunchy shell." Tasty. I remember the big hype over this candy from the movie, E.T. back in 1982. It was such a treat to get candy when we were kids. Now, I rarely go out of my way to buy it. I'm scarfing it down. It's my knee-jerk reaction to not feeling right.

So I began the dialogue, but I started too late and had to go to work. I'm fucked. My read on the eyes is either the answers are unknown to him or the answer is known but doesn't want to express it to me. In either case, it's not where I am. Damn.

15 pages for the month. Hmm.

Freaky Frenzy

2:39am Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!!!!! What the fuck am I thinking? It was very simple. He comes over. We talk. I'm supposed to ask, "What is it that you're looking for in terms of a relationship right now?" So what really happens?

He comes over...I'm asleep. He tells me he missed me and I start kissing him. We goto sleep in my bed and wake up an hour and a half later to the alarm. More kissing. Not one single word of communication; nothing but the lust and physical manifestation of developing feelings--emotional tenderness.

I'm afraid of losing what I don't even know that I have. (And I'm afraid of finding out that I don't have anything anyway.) This is why I truly need to have the conversation after dinner tonight. I refuse to be afraid anymore.

I had a sincere heart-to-heart with roommate Art tonight. I let him know that I was on Zoloft and the events in life that led up to that. He gave me a hug and it felt good to have shared something that deep with him.

Chuck had Eric come over tonight and I couldn't vibe him. I think there was too much going on in my own head. Eric is cute. I can tell that Chuck is looking for a reason other than his own inclinations to pursue something. Neither one of us can really listen to each other's advice. I tell him to stay single and here he is dating. I think more than really looking for true advice, we're good sounding boards for each other so that we can hear the thoughts that we would not normally think about ourselves. We then proceed with whatever it is that we want to do, but we always have a knowledge of "the other side" and aren't truly surprised when our choices backfire on us.

Last night there was a pool party in Mission Viejo that Chuck was invited to so I tagged along with him. I enjoyed myself. Evan and Spencer were cuties, but I purposefully only had two mild drinks so that I could leave by 11:30. My "Ghost Thoughts" entry was somewhat about my disappointment in not seeing Ryan last night. I had the opportunity. I didn't communicate clearly so I'm not upset now. I put a name to the mullets from the party: Chris & Bill. I didn't get to talk to them any more.

Kung Pow: Enter The Fist.

Ghost Thoughts

2:40am I am feeling my body trying to awaken the parts that aren't necessary to drive here, but that would be nice to have functioning when adding a new entry into the journal. I feel like I have a lot to say.

Ryan is sweet, but I'm not sure that he is meant for me long term. A voice whispers, "Then enjoy the time with him in the short term." I would like to listen to that voice. I cloud my head so that I don't have to make a decision. It's an easy thing to delude one's self when you know your own fears and desires. It's also easy to do when I see "potential." That's such a powerful thing to me. It's like seeing into the future and knowing the possible reality of someone's character and knowing that it's so wonderful that the person is worth hanging out with. Here's the problem. I never know how far into the future I'm seeing. I know that it's not my own wants being impressed upon the person---what I sense is real. I wanted to see him after he got off work tonight and was invited to go to House of Blues with him, but I didn't feel like being around a lot of people. Now, I feel like I smell good for nothing. No one.

But my own wants.... I want to feel like part of a couple again. I want the warmth of someone waking me in the morning. I want the sweet kisses in a steamy shower as we wash each others' backs. I want to be able to have someone comfort me when I'm tired of being strong. I want someone capable of tolerating my strength.

I went to a pool party at Curtis & Sebastian's house. I only know them through Chuck. There were a few other "acquaintance" type people there. I wasn't sure that I wanted to go, but the alternative of sitting at home and watching a DVD by myself seemed too much like sulking. I'm glad I went. It was enjoyable. I probably would've let loose a bit more if I didn't have to be at work. I left at 11:30 because I wanted to be home when Ryan was off of work and because the pool party was moving indoors and I could see the alcohol taking its effect on the patrons. I wasn't in that space and knew I couldn't be. The responsible part of me in control; the child subdued for the night.

In watching the other people at the party, I felt a sense of the "party" world that is in my past. I miss it sometimes. I miss that my thoughts were quiet and the thoughts that I did have were clear and concise.

3:25am Chuck and I had a good couple of talks tonight. I wish we could communicate like that more often. (without the alcohol) I know how much he still cares for me and wants me to be happy. That's all I want for any of my friends.

I got my last disposable camera developed and there was a picture on it of Shawn and I kissing from June 6th. It's actually a cute picture, I think. I mailed him a copy that he should have got today (yesterday). That was the last time I actually got to cuddle all night long with someone in my bed. On the back of the picture I told him that night was special for me. (Holding/being held all night long is why I felt that way.)

Lanny has called in the last couple days. I knew that Shane must have been out of town. These men of my past make me emotional.

Dustin Gimble was at the party. That was a random path crossing. He's off to England in 6-8 months. Talks of living in South Africa. The relationship stuff; people who once knew each other in a timeline trying to bridge the gap of a few years.

I dream a lot. Not just unconscious dreaming. I don't talk about them much. I lose myself in dream thoughts sometimes. In my dreams the world is a beautiful place. People are kind. People are civil to each other. I'm at peace. I'm affectionate. I'm not afraid of being hurt by anyone. I'm unrestrained.