Ramble Bramble

Yesterday I took part in Gary & Chris' day of joy. It was a beautiful sunset on Crystal Cove state beach. We couldn't hear a word of what was being spoken over the crashing waves, but somehow it wasn't the words that were important, only the gathering of friends and family to be part of the public joining of their two lives. I saw a gay couple with a little baby and I felt that feeling that I'm sure my mom has when she sees a baby. I wanted one. I saw people I used to work with at Ingram Micro. I saw people from PFLAG. I met new people that I will probably never see again. My attempt at being "social" went over well, I think. It turns out that I'm actually very hospitable when I wish to be.

I think 100mg is too much so I'm cutting myself back to 50mg today. I find that although not really as depressed, I'm just lying around not doing anything. This makes the happy little love chubs "roll" with pleasure. It's really disgusting me so I must act.

When I don't want to deal with something or someone I just avoid them. I think I've done this with this guy Scott at work because I'm not exacty sure what to do.

I was being bad online last night. (I think) You know how certain drugs have the opposite effect on certain people than what it normally would on most? Like the way some drugs are supposed to make one drowsy and it actually amps up other people. Alcohol seems to be that way for me. I'm what is classically known as a "happy drunk." I laugh, dance, become more friendly---although still sharply stating what's on my mind if I feel like it. The day after some in depth drinking session I'm usually very cheery, polite. All this morning at work I've been extra up-beat on my calls. I don't know why this is. It was the same on ecstasy... while others have these major mood swing come downs immediately following and in the days after, I would always spring up from sleep refreshed and never felt any lows afterward. Jeremy chemistry 101.

So anyway, being bad. I was talking to Jayson & Christian and I invited them to Tuesday nights. I was also talking to Mitch. I was talking to Joe. I was talking to Chuck.

Rey's b-day party was on Saturday Night. It was a carnival of drama and I was happy to sit back and watch the show. A guy named Marty was obsessed with me. Beer bongs chug chugged in the backyard. Jeremy & Chuck kissed. Chuck & Eddie spent too much time together. James and Eddie fought and James left. A boy named Andy was beautiful, but when I asked what school he went to his response was, "I'm currently in home school in the Long Beach School District." Aye!

I'm going to "Monday Night Supper Club" tonight. It's something different... so I'm trying it.

Jonathan is a nice guy that I've met in the last week, but I still don't think that I'm ready to date and I don't know that he's all that interested in me anyway. I had wicked dreams yesterday... I woke up trying to fathom everything, but it was all jumbled & weird. All that's left in my memory now is a sense that the dreams were a prelude to some sort of change that is near. How I know that---I don't know. It's what I sense and it's that eerie feeling.

Not having I think is starting to get to me.