Birthdays, Boyfriends and Biology

I feel the rush of everything filtered and slowed down by the drugs coarsing through me. This is the part of anti-depressant medication that has always bugged me: feeling something that would normally be intense and having it reduced to an item on a list to be read off. Manageable, yes. Human, no...not my idea of human. Aside from pharmaceuticals there is age. I allow myself to see things from more than just my point of view. I may not agree with the vantage points, but I cannot pretend that they do not exhist or do not matter--as much as the child in me may stomp his feet and wish it were so.

So where does this leave me? Can I be hurt? Am I allowed to be may be a more accurate question. And even if I am allowed, still, where does this leave me? The art of detachment has been more of a fascade than a true artform for me. What makes me the person I am; how I identify with others has always been tied to how deeply I feel the world around me. This openness is why I had to learn to close myself up or I would be rubbed raw by the mostly unintentional brushes by passersby. (And unfortunately, the allowances of those I purposefully opened up to out of love)

My birthday, while it may be spent with friends, it will not be spent with my boyfriend. Prior engagements will have him in Hawaii. I tell myself it's just a silly day that we pat ourselves on the back and his presence is not required, but the reason is an on-going and evolving battle that I'm tired of having. At 34 (or at least approaching it) I need to finally focus energy and seek solace from those who are taking the time out of their lives to be with me and not focus on the things I have no control over and that I cannot change.

I had a brief talk with my mom a week or two ago. We talked about why it is that we involve ourselves with the type of people that we do. Sarah and I have been comparing notes with our men. These patterns of ours are somehow comforting.

Do we have such a hard time loving ourselves?
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Even When I'm Sleeping...

Sunday - November 16th - 7:16pm
I'm sitting at work and it's the first time since this last Thursday that I actually feel like I've been thrown off a cliff and am tumbling down the hillside so hard and fast so as to be sure that every sharp rock and stick pokes at me. I have no appetite. I forced myself to eat this afternoon with some vitamins.

My co-worker, Mani, leaves this Wednesday for a two month trip across the world and this will be my last night to see him. It's strange the little comforts that I find myself looking for. His nickname here at work is "Princess." Tonight, he is the only sanity that I find in this place.

7:26pm
I remember I.O.U.'s and XY's that Charmed me and Whispered Ghostly things in my sleep. I remember how beautiful it felt to be completely open and share a part of me that no one has ever seen. I was so scared but freed at the same time. I remember falling asleep to cuddles and rubs and talks that unlocked doors about our lives. That was comforting.

I...

I cannot sleep. I even took Nyquil before laying down and I still woke up at 2:30am with that uneasy feeling I've been waking up to the last several nights. I got a text from James. I talked to him on the phone but that solved nothing. I hear Charlie in the shower. I hear the fan on my computer working too hard. I put music on to calm me. I find out my phone service is interrupted. I can't cry. I can't smile. I take deep breaths. I feel my heart ache, not figuratively, but a serious ache in the chest. I hear the wind gathering strength outside. I hear the rustling of the plant outside my window. I feel alone and abandoned. I hope that being with my friends tomorrow will help. I need it to help. It was hard for me to type that. "I Feel Possessed" by Crowded House starts playing. I want to go back to sleep. I will try again.

My Morning Musing

I'm on the Red Line going to work this morning and I'm looking around at the Black and Latino faces that are probably 95% of the passengers sitting/standing throughout the entire train. After reading many of the online articles from CNN to the New York Times to little online blurbs like Canada East, I feel just a bit of animosity toward them.

That's not terribly fair of me. Maybe the black people here next to me were part of the approximated 30% who voted NO on Prop 8. Maybe they didn't vote at all. Maybe the many Latin faces sitting here are like two of my co-workers and not legal to be in the country and therefore did not vote either. It's not fair of me to have these thoughts, but they are there and I hope that they subside soon.

Yesterday, I was walking around downtown Long Beach and The Pike holding hands with my boyfriend. Not a word was said, but I felt that familiar feeling of everyone's eyes on us. Toward the end of the afternoon, as we were walking North on Long Beach Blvd passing the 5th Street Metro Station, two girls saw us and yelled out loud, "Yea! No on Prop 8!" I smiled a bit and kept walking; hand in hand.
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Am I ALIVE or just LIVing?

Almost three years ago I answered a bunch of questions online to determine the "top" cities I may be interested in living in and came to the conclusion that I was exactly where I was supposed to be. In reviewing my journal, I decided to answer the questions again and not much has changed. Here's a link to my previous answers:

http://earthjeremy.blogspot.com/2006/01/am-i-living-or-am-i-just-alive.html

And here are the current ones:

1. Portland, OR
2. San Diego, CA
3. Orange County, CA
4. Honolulu, HI
5. Little Rock, AR
6. Corvalis, OR
7. Oakland, CA
8. Long Beach, CA
9. Eugene, OR
10. Baltimore, MD
11. Las Vegas, NV
12. Salem, OR
13. Los Angeles, CA
14. San Jose, CA
15. Washington, D.C.
16. Baton Rouge, LA
17. Medford, OR
18. Las Cruces, NM
19. San Francisco, CA
20. Santa Monica, CA
21. Albuquerque, NM
22. Seattle, WA
23. Kailua-Kona, HI
24. Monroe, LA

If you would like to try it out yourself, here is the site: www.findyourspot.com

I was enjoying a quiet morning with nothing to do until about five minutes ago work called to see if I might be able to come in at noon instead of three for a special event/party that is being held there. While my eyes are rolling, the few extra hours are always good for a paycheck. This will end soon.