Ghost Thoughts

2:40am I am feeling my body trying to awaken the parts that aren't necessary to drive here, but that would be nice to have functioning when adding a new entry into the journal. I feel like I have a lot to say.

Ryan is sweet, but I'm not sure that he is meant for me long term. A voice whispers, "Then enjoy the time with him in the short term." I would like to listen to that voice. I cloud my head so that I don't have to make a decision. It's an easy thing to delude one's self when you know your own fears and desires. It's also easy to do when I see "potential." That's such a powerful thing to me. It's like seeing into the future and knowing the possible reality of someone's character and knowing that it's so wonderful that the person is worth hanging out with. Here's the problem. I never know how far into the future I'm seeing. I know that it's not my own wants being impressed upon the person---what I sense is real. I wanted to see him after he got off work tonight and was invited to go to House of Blues with him, but I didn't feel like being around a lot of people. Now, I feel like I smell good for nothing. No one.

But my own wants.... I want to feel like part of a couple again. I want the warmth of someone waking me in the morning. I want the sweet kisses in a steamy shower as we wash each others' backs. I want to be able to have someone comfort me when I'm tired of being strong. I want someone capable of tolerating my strength.

I went to a pool party at Curtis & Sebastian's house. I only know them through Chuck. There were a few other "acquaintance" type people there. I wasn't sure that I wanted to go, but the alternative of sitting at home and watching a DVD by myself seemed too much like sulking. I'm glad I went. It was enjoyable. I probably would've let loose a bit more if I didn't have to be at work. I left at 11:30 because I wanted to be home when Ryan was off of work and because the pool party was moving indoors and I could see the alcohol taking its effect on the patrons. I wasn't in that space and knew I couldn't be. The responsible part of me in control; the child subdued for the night.

In watching the other people at the party, I felt a sense of the "party" world that is in my past. I miss it sometimes. I miss that my thoughts were quiet and the thoughts that I did have were clear and concise.

3:25am Chuck and I had a good couple of talks tonight. I wish we could communicate like that more often. (without the alcohol) I know how much he still cares for me and wants me to be happy. That's all I want for any of my friends.

I got my last disposable camera developed and there was a picture on it of Shawn and I kissing from June 6th. It's actually a cute picture, I think. I mailed him a copy that he should have got today (yesterday). That was the last time I actually got to cuddle all night long with someone in my bed. On the back of the picture I told him that night was special for me. (Holding/being held all night long is why I felt that way.)

Lanny has called in the last couple days. I knew that Shane must have been out of town. These men of my past make me emotional.

Dustin Gimble was at the party. That was a random path crossing. He's off to England in 6-8 months. Talks of living in South Africa. The relationship stuff; people who once knew each other in a timeline trying to bridge the gap of a few years.

I dream a lot. Not just unconscious dreaming. I don't talk about them much. I lose myself in dream thoughts sometimes. In my dreams the world is a beautiful place. People are kind. People are civil to each other. I'm at peace. I'm affectionate. I'm not afraid of being hurt by anyone. I'm unrestrained.