Treatment Day 3

Saw the 1st showing of The Matrix: Revolutions at The Block. I cried at the opening because of references to love and what it means. I don't know that anything could have been a fitting end to the movie trilogy because the original was such a phenomenon really.

Sitting here the past few days I remember feeling the pieces of me being stripped away by Ruben. I remember never being able to express--in words--how I felt inside or that even if I had them. (feelings) I see this picture of myself staring in his eyes while my eyes would well up with tears and he would taunt me about crying. I was always trying to exert my own personality, but anytime I would show that person, it would be crushed. Looking back now I'm not sure that I ever really liked school, but it was an easy way to get some amount of approval from Ruben. It also was a safe place where he couldn't hurt me. Sadly, he is the only father-figure I will ever have. The person who has blacked out years of my memory. I'm angry and each time I try and let go of that I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to talk to my mother. I don't always have respect for her... and then, there is LOVE.

Smiley faces have been in my life as a way of keeping a reminder of who I want to be. And how it just makes me cry when the two worlds collide.

A couple of times today I've pictured holding & hugging Chuck.

The internet is a way of avoiding.. It's like anything that takes me away.