The Adventures of Sssssay & JayPee

Laughter. So much laughter. There is no beginning and no ending. Abs are the byproduct of making up voices and imitating people.

More to come.... more love to share.

The Cost of A Blue Ball

Up the elevator from lunch a conversation develops regarding land development for hotels in Costa Rica. A man who is well manicured and confident in a sales type of way explains where the hot property is down there while another man who works for Marriot joins the conversation about this particular company's plans in the region.

Ownership rights of property & people is still of such importance to we ants of the blue ball.

Distractions

I thought about having some green tea. Jasmine green tea. Instead, I have a strong desire to go to Albertsons and get some juice. As I think about this for just a few seconds I see Boston Legal on TV and watch the opening scene which makes me laugh so I sit here a few minutes longer. I turn off the chat program that has friends looming under categories so that I'm not side-tracked too much from going the store and finally find myself here writing about it.

Tomorrow. Wednesday. I will have an hour of talking where I will attempt to unlock, clarify, understand. Is it just a game to play with one's self? Another way that I can focus energy on one thing instead of another. Is this the pattern that I follow to keep me going these days? It certainly isn't the clutching of pillows instead of heat.....

a memory:
It was last Tuesday and I was home from work. Safe and comfortable in bed, looking out the window to blue skies and rain pelting on the window.

Two Drops

I've welled up with tears a couple times today. It wasn't sadness that brought them on, but it was definitely two very distinctly different emotions. The first time was earlier after re-arranging my room and I put a song on that I downloaded after finding it on Peep's MySpace page. It was playing and I was looking around my room thinking of hand prints on walls and pursuing goals and family. It all swirled together. Hopeful thoughts, happy thoughts and unsure thoughts. The second time was about an hour or so ago when I listened to a message on my voice mail from Nathan. He took a step on to a new road this evening and I was so glad to hear his choice.

I'm steered by subconscious signals while seeing with conscious eyes, but only my unconscious is truly aware of what is going on.

My Wishes

Nothing too specific.

I always want the best for people. I want smiles on children and moments of pause for those who feel they're being weighted by too many stresses. I want my friends to harmonize and my family to flow. I want love in droves with an ocean's equal returning it. I want people like Arturo, Tyler, Lanny, Randy, Joshua and Jorge to remember with smiles our times as I do and I hope to know them for many years to come. I want my sister to be the woman she doesn't even know she's capable of yet and my brothers to be the fathers that they never had. I want contentment in what I have and curiosity in what could be. I never want myself to let pain become so dull that it's accepted as part of everyday living.

I want you to know I love you.
Even if I never say it.
Even if I only write about it in vague metaphorical phrases.
I want you to know I want your love.
Even if I never ask for it.
Even if I have my arms out blocking your approach.

I wish nothing too specific.

If You Give Me Tomorrow

"If there's no one beside you when your soul embarks... then I'll follow you into the dark."
-Death Cab For Cutie

It's already six a.m. and the shut-eye I promised myself at 3am hasn't been implemented yet. It's raining now. My window is cracked less than a centimeter, but it's enough to hear the raindrops more clearly than if the window was completely shut. So many dreams that fall to the earth to keep it healthy.

My skin is on fire. It's what happens when I stay awake after taking Serzone. Usually, I'm asleep and dreaming so I never feel this sensation. It starts in my temples and radiates to the top of my head, down my spine and out to the extremities.

I watched Good Will Hunting on Friday when I stayed home from work. This is a movie that touches me very intimately. Unlike the movie, I've never found a way to content my soul. (And even in the movie we just assume this as the credits roll.) Knowing something is not my fault and believing it are mismatched leave buddies. They end up finding the trouble they were supposed to help each other avoid.

Dozed off....

Shrivel

Another day gone by
and we are closer to saying goodbye.
It seems the weather is to be our conversation.

Empty leaving from fruitful trees.

Checking It Off

I have the house all to myself again. Justin has found a second home. Art is away on business. No sounds here save the dishwasher I started and my fingers on the keys.

It seems that my days are passing without energy, effort or care.

I try to stay engaged, finding new things to do and small projects to feel like I'm accomplishing something. What egg am I sitting on and waiting to hatch?