When I Fall In love

What happened to the people who believed that they would fall in love? Who have I surrounded myself with? Peers? Those who have lost faith? Did they ever have it?

The questions are so vast and at the heart of falling in love is trying to understand what it is. The simplicity of what it means to me is a galaxy of explanation to someone who doesn't speak my language or have "my" understanding.

It's when I am so close to despair that I have often felt that I have a greater understanding of humanity. I have written things that I look back on--often as a teenager when despair seemed constant--and wonder how I could have seen "that." Getting caught up in being a grown up has often meant that I've left some dreams in the past. I can see glimpses of the same thing in the grown ups around me.

I remember a man I didn't really know. His name was Doug and he was tall. He made me laugh. I thought he was a big queen and very different from me. He drank alcohol at a time when I did not after rap sessions on Sundays. We would all go to "Me & Ed's" pizza and sit on wooden picnic table style benches. He took his life a long time ago.

All this thinking of love...I remember the Nat King Cole song that Rick Astley remade in the 80's and I used to listen to (and sing) quite frequently through high school. The lyrics--then--were a dreamy idea that I yearned for. The lyrics--now--are a reality that I can see from having been in love.

"When I fall in love
It will be forever.
Or I'll never
Fall in love...

In a restless world like this is
Love is ended before it's begun
And too many moonlight kisses
Seem too cool in the warmth of the sun...

Taking Notes on Time

The Summer is beginning for most but I'm feeling like the first week of school is approaching and that my fun is in the past for this segment of time.

I've been reading a lot of people's blogs lately. They are growing up before my eyes.

Will's birthday is on Saturday. Charlie's next week.

I've gotten a new job and will start on Wednesday. (more on this later, I'm sure)

I feel the need to close my eyes and dream now so no music to put me to sleep. A complete shutdown of the computer so there will be no extra sound. Phone to silent.

I hope to be swept into everyone and everything very shortly.

My Hands Are Very Dry

The poorly chosen or inappropriate words of one I've deemed to have physical beauty trumps that beauty just about every time. (Even compliments about how good I look when said person has a boyfriend.)

I used the family email list for the first time in a while a couple days ago. No response. No surprise. Though I would like them, I think that first the idea of sharing thoughts has to be accepted and natural and it isn't in our family. Someone has to set an example.

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Now playing on Winamp: Adele - Chasing Pavements

Brotherly Thoughts

These are just some random thoughts before I go to bed.  On some level these thoughts have been with me since I was 18.  As I've gotten older... they surface less often, but much more strongly when they do surface.  I felt like sharing tonight.

I left home during a time that I needed to for myself.  A consequence of leaving home when I did is that I never really got to know YOU, my brothers.  It's like I got to know you up to a point and that's where the blueprint froze in my mind.  My memories of childhood center around very specific things that we did together and not much more.  I wasn't there during all of the normal coming of age experiences, changes, etc.  For each of us now, we can look back on the years between 13-16, 18-21, 21-25 (or that whole decade of time) and see the changes in ourselves.  Changes--that at the time--we didn't think much about.  Changes that when you're around someone on a regular basis you just absorb without feeling out of touch with someone.  (Like friends you've had during that time and still keep in contact with)

With Sarah it was always different.  There was a special bond that formed when she was little and when she turned 16 I shared with her what that was.  I'm not sure if you two know this, but when I was 15 I was planning on killing myself.  I believe Sarah still has my journal with the exact entry about the whole day.  I gave it to her to read when I thought she would be old enough to understand it.  The night in question was around the time when she learned how to open closed doors by herself and she walked into my room.  I picked her up, held her and walked into the living room to show her a baby picture of herself.  Her laughter made me start to cry thinking about how I would never see her grow up and have experiences like I had with the two of you.
Being family doesn't make us friends.  It isn't something that can be forced.  I don't know how to bridge the gaps between us, but I'd like the gaps to become closer over time and not grow wider.  I know so many things--most seem meaningless when compared to the knowledge that there is so much more  that that I don't know.  It's funny for me to type this because the things that most strangers tell me when they meet me is how well I seem to know them after listening a short while.  Ironic.

Anyway...I just felt like sharing.  I know that was a bit heavy.  On a bit lighter note of the same subject, something for you guys to watch.   Over the years I've become a "big brother" to so many kids.  Some of them have come in and out of my life while others remain constant and can be found on the pages of MySpace and Facebook, etc.  Most of the time this is a source of warm fuzzies and personal reward, however,  there is the occasional babysitting... haha.  This was the end of my Memorial Day Weekend:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eFxiWd2T54Q

I love you all very much.
j.r.me

Gene-Us

One day he'll wake up and realize I was there all along; that what he wanted was in me. Funny thing is that I have often thought that I'm the one who needed to wake up. Today I think I need to be the one to stay asleep.

Tomorrow...