1:00pm. Half awake. I feel the Nyquil residual. I yawn and my eyes water. It would be nice to sleep forever I think. It would be nice to drift off into a dream and sleep. Maybe it's just the song that's playing--"It's A Fine Day." hah. My phone is across the room on the corner of my bed--out of arm's reach. It just beeped with a new message. Since the phone didn't ring, I'm assuming it's a text message. Could I be right? Am I wrong? I'm too tired to get up and find out. I want to write instead. The message will wait. It will be there until I'm finished, but I cannot guarantee that my desire to write will outlast the brief seconds it takes to get out of the chair and come back with the phone. That's the tricky think about writing inspiration: cease it when it comes.
The same could be said about probably anything in life that one looks after. Dating, job opportunities, changing lanes on a freeway when there's an opening.
FLASH: picture as I stare out my window's frame of an Asian pagoda. The slats on the blinds--flat with the curvature of the curtains--drawn open.
Aries had his B-day dinner at Bosa Nova last night. I wasn't feeling well and went home to rest while Cheddy, Art & Aries were at the dinner. (The phone beeps to remind me) I met up with them at RAGE. I knew that this particular bunch wouldn't stay very long. They can't. There's no stamina for the night life. It is not them. (Anymore--if at all, really.) And that's good, I think. I would not like to have a bunch of friends who were all creatures of the night. I've always liked the variety of personality that my friends bring to the table. As Martha Stewart would say, "It's a good thing."
With the middle finger of my left hand I gently move it over the hair & skin of my eyebrow where I was pierced about a month ago. It's the first time I've really felt the bar under the skin. It doesn't hurt. Not infected. Another good thing. I ponder whether this will be a passing piercing, or one like my tongue that has lingered now for almost four years. The practical mind sets in and thinks that I'd have to take it out if I went on a job interview. The artists tells me that no job is worth having without the freedom to express part of your personality outwardly. Sadly, I never choose one side or the other and I have to cope with that clash in an eternal bubble always about to burst.
Friday night I went to The Boom. The music and people were pleasant. The highlight of my evening was running into Aaron & Bryan and hearing that Ali's CD to me was in their car. I'm listening to it right now. I've been listening to it pretty much since I got it back. I was too tired to drive home and stayed at Joe's place up the hill. Another night of fooling around that I guess would technically end my celibacy...lol. The cuddles were nice, but my mind is so preoccupied with this coming Monday dinner.
A glance at the clock says I should shower before Sebastian gets here to go to the beach. Meeting Cheddy there. Roommate going as well. Nice to be surrounded by friends when I don't have what it is that I want right now.
Sunday, April 27, 2003
Friday, April 25, 2003
Pip Squeak
I have this picture in my head of a boy that I was. Sometimes he comes out and I'm happy. So I begin to think logically---what a scarry thing---and try to let more of this person out so that I don't feel so bottled up all the time.
What would he say... something like a criticism of how I care too much what others think. Old people are great that way. So are children. They really don't care. It's we in the middle that get conned.
I spent my $5 at dinner. I'm going to spend $5 more around midnight. I just talked to Jeff on the phone and will be meeting he and Joe and The Doom Doom Room. I have to go home, change, blah. Maybe I'll get stuck at home.
I just want to be around people and feel like they want to be around me right now.
What would he say... something like a criticism of how I care too much what others think. Old people are great that way. So are children. They really don't care. It's we in the middle that get conned.
I spent my $5 at dinner. I'm going to spend $5 more around midnight. I just talked to Jeff on the phone and will be meeting he and Joe and The Doom Doom Room. I have to go home, change, blah. Maybe I'll get stuck at home.
I just want to be around people and feel like they want to be around me right now.
Thursday, April 24, 2003
A friend sent me this for Easter:
http://www.jekyl.com/jekyl/gallery/Easter.jpg
I've been removed from writing because I've been that down I haven't even the desire to try and clear my thoughts.
Still no connections. Nothing feels tangible. I feel no drive. I remember what it feels like. That's frustrating. Maybe somewhat like a stroke victim.....having an active memory of something but no way of activating it again.
On Saturday--before leaving for the White Party--I spent some time at the old apartment with Randy. I had to pick up a few last things. The apartment was barren. We were both looking for things to make the stay longer and I finally had to force myself to go.
On Sunday--after returning home from the White Party--I received a call from Randy while he was clearning up the old apartment. My work phone time says 22:22 right now. He asked if we could have dinner and in my heart I said yes and in my head I said no and the outward result was silence before I responded. Am I ready for a dinner? You never know until you try.
Four minutes until I'm outta here. Driving to Long Beach to say goodbye to Ian. I deleted all the porn off my computer today because it's so hard to find. I thought maybe this would get me to do other things. Problem is, the computer is still there with a connection to the internet.
Mamma's Day Brunch is finally coming together. I have ideas. I have stories. I have pictures in my head.
http://www.jekyl.com/jekyl/gallery/Easter.jpg
I've been removed from writing because I've been that down I haven't even the desire to try and clear my thoughts.
Still no connections. Nothing feels tangible. I feel no drive. I remember what it feels like. That's frustrating. Maybe somewhat like a stroke victim.....having an active memory of something but no way of activating it again.
On Saturday--before leaving for the White Party--I spent some time at the old apartment with Randy. I had to pick up a few last things. The apartment was barren. We were both looking for things to make the stay longer and I finally had to force myself to go.
On Sunday--after returning home from the White Party--I received a call from Randy while he was clearning up the old apartment. My work phone time says 22:22 right now. He asked if we could have dinner and in my heart I said yes and in my head I said no and the outward result was silence before I responded. Am I ready for a dinner? You never know until you try.
Four minutes until I'm outta here. Driving to Long Beach to say goodbye to Ian. I deleted all the porn off my computer today because it's so hard to find. I thought maybe this would get me to do other things. Problem is, the computer is still there with a connection to the internet.
Mamma's Day Brunch is finally coming together. I have ideas. I have stories. I have pictures in my head.
Sunday, April 20, 2003
The White Party Thoughts
Where to begin? People say that a lot. "Where do I begin?" "How do I start?" You just do--or don't as the case may be with me at the moment.
Let me start with Tim Davis. He's an extraordinary man. Open. Kind. He's the type of soul that I knew/know is out there and one that I hope to become. He's friends with Bobby & Joey and lives in La Quinta. He offered his place to them so they wouldn't have to get a hotel for The White Party.
----
----
My throat still has some weird taste to it. I need to figure out what is wrong.
----
----
Artistic, world-educated, benevolent. Warm. Inviting. I would ask his advice on something and know that the answer would benefit me.
We arrived at his place. Someone named Billy was there. They were having cocktails and watching a very large flat screen TV. The dogs are Jake & Zoey. They like me. Tim said something about dogs and babies knowing people well. I said that babies stop crying when I hold them and dogs generally like me. Tim prepared a dinner for us. Joey helped make the salad. Bobby and I sat our asses and made polite conversation with Billy. My vibe was right again---to be proven the next morning.
The White Party--unorganized. I know I'm done with the scene because it holds no more life to me. It has been dead many times now and this last experience with friends lets me know that I'm in that next phase of life. I'm sad the way a child is sad that it no longer has a toy to play with. But I'm old enough to know that there are other toys to play with. Besides....it was never my favorite toy. So... now do I have to join a gym to exercise?
Sardines packed in light spring sweat. After finding the will call booth, doing a before picture with Alex-Dan, Joey-Bobby, seeing Wes, seeing Jeff, we got inside of the convention center and made our way to the center in front of the stage area for the MIDNIGHT show. One by one we fell off and only Bobby was left. He stayed there for two hours. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting for the alleged performance by Christina Aguilera. She never showed up. Instead, we get a very badly taped video of her reasons for not attending. The other performer wasn't as well known.
The best part of my $100 was about 3am when two gymnasts' bodies used a single trapeze to tangle themselves in moves set to music. The homo eroticism on top of the tremendous skill moved me to take pictures that I hope turn out.
I'm in the Koffee Klatch waiting for Mark. I think I should walk to Woody's.
Let me start with Tim Davis. He's an extraordinary man. Open. Kind. He's the type of soul that I knew/know is out there and one that I hope to become. He's friends with Bobby & Joey and lives in La Quinta. He offered his place to them so they wouldn't have to get a hotel for The White Party.
----
----
My throat still has some weird taste to it. I need to figure out what is wrong.
----
----
Artistic, world-educated, benevolent. Warm. Inviting. I would ask his advice on something and know that the answer would benefit me.
We arrived at his place. Someone named Billy was there. They were having cocktails and watching a very large flat screen TV. The dogs are Jake & Zoey. They like me. Tim said something about dogs and babies knowing people well. I said that babies stop crying when I hold them and dogs generally like me. Tim prepared a dinner for us. Joey helped make the salad. Bobby and I sat our asses and made polite conversation with Billy. My vibe was right again---to be proven the next morning.
The White Party--unorganized. I know I'm done with the scene because it holds no more life to me. It has been dead many times now and this last experience with friends lets me know that I'm in that next phase of life. I'm sad the way a child is sad that it no longer has a toy to play with. But I'm old enough to know that there are other toys to play with. Besides....it was never my favorite toy. So... now do I have to join a gym to exercise?
Sardines packed in light spring sweat. After finding the will call booth, doing a before picture with Alex-Dan, Joey-Bobby, seeing Wes, seeing Jeff, we got inside of the convention center and made our way to the center in front of the stage area for the MIDNIGHT show. One by one we fell off and only Bobby was left. He stayed there for two hours. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting for the alleged performance by Christina Aguilera. She never showed up. Instead, we get a very badly taped video of her reasons for not attending. The other performer wasn't as well known.
The best part of my $100 was about 3am when two gymnasts' bodies used a single trapeze to tangle themselves in moves set to music. The homo eroticism on top of the tremendous skill moved me to take pictures that I hope turn out.
I'm in the Koffee Klatch waiting for Mark. I think I should walk to Woody's.
Friday, April 18, 2003
Tighty Whities
I've stumbled in from a night out with Randy Cardwell & J.D. I almost got a tatoo.....very close. Would have been Chinese symbols for "fire" & "tiger." J.D. got his, but I couldn't wait and so we drove home.
We went to FUBAR---aka: Big Fat Dick. The bartenders where shirts that say: "Dick" or "i love dick." Amusing. Tonight's theme for the poloroid contest was tighty whities...which ended up just bing an underwear show-off. From applause I think I took 2nd place. Perhaps I should have worn the jock strap as well... or maybe I just needed a tatoo. In any case, it was fun just being a contestant.
Miguel was there. There's a name from the past. Nice. We danced together on the box. His nipples are pierced now. We kissed. Somewhat awkward while dancing, but I could still feel the passion. He was the last person I kissed before Randy and I got together. I didn't catch him at the end of the night and don't have his number. I think that's the way it was meant to be.
I'm glad I didn't get the tatoo. It would have been too rushed. I want the right symbols that express me.
sleep expresses me now
We went to FUBAR---aka: Big Fat Dick. The bartenders where shirts that say: "Dick" or "i love dick." Amusing. Tonight's theme for the poloroid contest was tighty whities...which ended up just bing an underwear show-off. From applause I think I took 2nd place. Perhaps I should have worn the jock strap as well... or maybe I just needed a tatoo. In any case, it was fun just being a contestant.
Miguel was there. There's a name from the past. Nice. We danced together on the box. His nipples are pierced now. We kissed. Somewhat awkward while dancing, but I could still feel the passion. He was the last person I kissed before Randy and I got together. I didn't catch him at the end of the night and don't have his number. I think that's the way it was meant to be.
I'm glad I didn't get the tatoo. It would have been too rushed. I want the right symbols that express me.
sleep expresses me now
Wednesday, April 16, 2003
5-htp
I've been having random thoughts in the last few days. Vivid memories from the past. Quick flickers of places, people, events that I haven't thought of in a long time: a moment in Summer of 1988 at Loyola Marymount University; a time as a child in Morrow Bay fishing on the pier; the path taken to walk to school in high school; learning how to ski; riding in the sky ride at Disneyland with friends; the first time I drank to get drunk.
I know that taking the 5-htp closer to bedtime with the B-Complex has caused more vivid dreaming. Perhaps this is carrying over? I'm curious.
I know that taking the 5-htp closer to bedtime with the B-Complex has caused more vivid dreaming. Perhaps this is carrying over? I'm curious.
Sunday, April 13, 2003
Friday, April 11, 2003
Wednesday, April 09, 2003
Library--Check this out.
NINE-SOMETHING. Why is it that strangers stare at other strangers with a desire to be closer but always at a distance? There are four chairs at the table that I'm at. I'm sitting at one of them. The voices surrounding, that would normally make me hot and uncomfortable, are now whitenoise and I don't even hear the individual words. Every so often I look up to see the faces--and the hair--of those passing by. I see frightened expressions and euphoric explosions of laughter. They're all so young to me now. It's like I was doing some sort of breathing excercise where you close your eyes and take a deep breath in and then slowly exhale and then you open your eyes. But when I opened my eyes the world had jumped ahead in time and I still felt the same.
So I'm here to meet Jose. Strictly friendly, but I was 30 minutes late. He doesnt' have a cell phone and I don't know if he was here and left or never showed up or is in the next room which I haven't looked at.
The singer is beautiful. She's singing so many touching ballad type songs. I haven't seen her yet, but I have this feeling that her appearance is nothing like her voice. Just a feeling. Can't explain why I know this. It just is and my confidence behind the statement has no way of being bolstered other than to look and see. But then one could just blow it off to chance.
The little boys drink their caffeine and smoke their cigarrettes. How cool. How chic. How 10 years later I still find it disgusting and unattractive no matter how cute the face may be.
*Just get the CD's back and close the chapter, Jeremy*
I'm not doing artistic things. What died? When? How? I made a therapy appointment. Of course, the soonest available was 5/22. A part of me is content to wait because things in my life could change between now and then and the appointment might not be necessary. Another part of me thinks that I should utilize my work EAP and get started on meds now.
So I moved rooms. I was right about her look. There's more bustle in this room--less ventilation. I feel more heat. My body attempts to compensate by lightly sweating my forehead. She makes me want to sing too. Shout out. Be free. "But I still haven't found what I'm looking for."--she sings and I feel it. I feel it in my spine as it sends millions of signals so quickly that I know it my eyes are a glaze and this pen on paper is moving like a richter scale.
9:53pm--and no sign of him anywhere. A boy with "36" on his back stands close and I'm attracted to, but such a boy.
I'm so lonely. As I was on Warner, waiting to turn right onto Culver, I thought about why I felt alone. It's because I began to let myself be defined by being with Randy. I began to let my identity blend as an US. I joke and call Chuck & Eddy "Cheddy" (a term that Arturo came up with). It's something that I was never capable of doing before and now I find it difficult reasserting my singular existence. Why?
I haven't really had any contact with my brothers since x-mas. As children, we would always be around each other. Fighting and having fun. We had super powers and lego's. They taught us of building and weaknesses. I'm making myself sad.
10:06pm--I'm walking to my car.
So I'm here to meet Jose. Strictly friendly, but I was 30 minutes late. He doesnt' have a cell phone and I don't know if he was here and left or never showed up or is in the next room which I haven't looked at.
The singer is beautiful. She's singing so many touching ballad type songs. I haven't seen her yet, but I have this feeling that her appearance is nothing like her voice. Just a feeling. Can't explain why I know this. It just is and my confidence behind the statement has no way of being bolstered other than to look and see. But then one could just blow it off to chance.
The little boys drink their caffeine and smoke their cigarrettes. How cool. How chic. How 10 years later I still find it disgusting and unattractive no matter how cute the face may be.
*Just get the CD's back and close the chapter, Jeremy*
I'm not doing artistic things. What died? When? How? I made a therapy appointment. Of course, the soonest available was 5/22. A part of me is content to wait because things in my life could change between now and then and the appointment might not be necessary. Another part of me thinks that I should utilize my work EAP and get started on meds now.
So I moved rooms. I was right about her look. There's more bustle in this room--less ventilation. I feel more heat. My body attempts to compensate by lightly sweating my forehead. She makes me want to sing too. Shout out. Be free. "But I still haven't found what I'm looking for."--she sings and I feel it. I feel it in my spine as it sends millions of signals so quickly that I know it my eyes are a glaze and this pen on paper is moving like a richter scale.
9:53pm--and no sign of him anywhere. A boy with "36" on his back stands close and I'm attracted to, but such a boy.
I'm so lonely. As I was on Warner, waiting to turn right onto Culver, I thought about why I felt alone. It's because I began to let myself be defined by being with Randy. I began to let my identity blend as an US. I joke and call Chuck & Eddy "Cheddy" (a term that Arturo came up with). It's something that I was never capable of doing before and now I find it difficult reasserting my singular existence. Why?
I haven't really had any contact with my brothers since x-mas. As children, we would always be around each other. Fighting and having fun. We had super powers and lego's. They taught us of building and weaknesses. I'm making myself sad.
10:06pm--I'm walking to my car.
These are not sentences
Another night of staying home. That's two in a row. Also three days of running. I nice lunch with co-workers. A scheduled appointment with the therapist. Someone around tomorrow's corner to meet in real life. A Mother's Day project that I'm still sifting through. A world that I cannot watch on TV because the sheer brutality of an energy stream I have entered and am part of that I do not feel I should be in.
I'm tired but awake. Beaten but not broken. Hungry but content. Horny but infatuated with ideas of romanticism. Goodnight, Jeremy.
I'm tired but awake. Beaten but not broken. Hungry but content. Horny but infatuated with ideas of romanticism. Goodnight, Jeremy.
Monday, April 07, 2003
Weekend Timeline
Monday morning. Back in training. A co-worker asked me where I went Friday night and I paused. Blur. The song that Ali introduced me to, "Am I On Pause?" comes to mind. After some re-tracing of thought I began to see the the weekend in chronological breaks.
FRIDAY
I left work and had plans with Mark to goto a club called Hotdog. I thought it was in Long Beach, but spoke with Ali and heard that it was in Los Angeles. Having been in LA Tues & Thurs, I wasn't in the mood to be there again. I had a message from Bobby letting me know he and the boys would be at The Boom. Sanctuary for the South Orange County lazy fags---I qualified. Arturo was online when I got home and checked my mail so I invited him down. I'm glad he came.
I took a disposable camera that I had started on Thursday Night at TigerHeat. I wanted pictures of us with Ali and I also wanted candid shots of them. We pose too much. The pose is never as real as the candid. We have learned to hate what we see in our candid moments because somehow we believe that the pretty & beautiful poses are what we want to be remembered by. Sometimes I do too. I think with this new blogger pro I can upload pictures. I will have to figure that out.
Arturo drove me home & stayed the night. There's a comfort with him that I don't have with many people. He will always be one of my first loves and can never deminish in my heart.
Another night of drinking. Did I stop counting? Is this the therapy I seek?
SATURDAY
I had my alarm set for 9:45am. I wanted to get up early and start a productive day that was to begin with going to The Center Orange County to get my HIV results. Arturo was a bit sluggish getting up so I showered and ate, spoke with my roommate, Art, and then Arturo awoke. I had "snacked" a breakfast, but they were hungry. We dropped off the disposable camera at 30min Photo and then had breakfast at Mimi's Cafe. A political discussion on homelessness, the "war" and other world concerns jumped across the plates of food. Arturo's running board president of one of his property associations. A fun moment was when Arturo was describing the current property manager and yelled "bitch" so that all the tables around us could hear. Volume. haha
The pictures turned out as I wanted. Cute and candid.
Next stop, the City of Orange library. The book I checked out on Billie Holiday was due February 26th. $7.20 later, I returned it in the same condition. They were happy that I actually returned it.
The rest of the daytime can only be characterized as an uncanny Jeremy shopping day. I just wanted to buy everything. From drinking to spending money. It's all so healthy and solves everything at the root.
Arturo makes me laugh so much. Mr. Wit. We went from South Coast Plaza to Irvine Spectrum to Fashion Island to Main Place Mall in search of a Cinnabon store. Sure, we could have called, but the adventure was more fun. The day was beautiful, blue, clear and sunny. We saw Catalina on our way to Fashion Island and the division of ethnicities among these various malls. I got my shoes, cologne, underwear and sunglasses. It felt good to splurge.
We made it back to the house in time for Arturo to take a power nap and me to go into the garage and shave off all my hair. Therapy? I've always liked how the lack of hair accents my eyes. Even more so now that I have the eyebrow piercing. My head being shaved alters my look completely. It gives off a different message to people that would have preconceived notions in their head. This book's cover is less likely to attract the conservative mind. (hmm....flash thought thinks that perhaps this cover would if the conservative had some inner yearning.)
D.R.'s birthday invitation on EVITE said that his dinner was at "BJ's Restaurant." I'd never heard of it, but when Arturo & I drove up to the location we were like, "Oh.... BJ's PIZZA." (Which it is commonly referred to) Drinks with dinner made for good & toasty.
EUPHEMISMS....the substitution of an agreeable or inoffensive expression for one that may offend or suggest something unpleasant. Okay, David was correct & Arturo and I were wrong. Nonetheless, the laughter that was generated for Arturo & I being dorks was just wonderful.
SIDE NOTE OUT OF TIMELINE: Sitting in training. Bored. (Do you see a recurring theme?) My mind wandered to last night, seeing Bryand & Aaron. Crazy mad beautiful. So I'm hard sitting here in training now. LOL. Wow. RESUME TIMELINE....
By the end of dinner I was okay to drive. This guy I've been talking to online, J.G.--haha...Jose, was going to the Henry Fonda theater for an event called Electroclash II. Turns out Ali was going too. I drove up to join Ali & his friends, but couldn't find parking. It was midnight. I decided just to goto RAGE and dance. Lots of cute faces, but I was feeling outside of everyone again. I couldn't mix. I didn't feel like drinking anymore knowing that I was by myself and had to drive. A couple guys asked me to dance but I was in my own head and not looking to drown in someone else's--a stranger's--energy.
2am came around. Club house lights went up. The roaches scatter of the dance floor to the sidewalk sale outside of the club. I walked to my car. As I turned the key to get in a cute boy passed by, glancing longer than he needed to and I could tell because of the burning in the back of my shaved head. In my car I get a call from Ali. I meet up to give him pictures from Friday night and then drove to Insomnia by myself.
SUNDAY
The club let out at 2am, but springing forward my phone showed it as 3 and some odd minutes and also showed a text message. The message was from Randy. I don't know if he was drunk or high or sober but there was a message referring to our good times together. This was an added thought that did not need to be in my head.
Arriving at Insomnia, I wanted to get high. I felt like I couldn't quiet my mind and was being consumed. As the DJ's transitioned, I sat in front of a speaker and let the thumping at the base of my skull resonate through to my eyes, ears, shoulders. In a moment I came alive to move with the beat and in the next second I was sitting again. I decided that getting high was not what I really wanted. Getting drunk was not what I really wanted. Being with Randy is not what I really wanted. Being with Lanny is not what I really wanted. The idea is what I wanted. (Want)
I left and arrived home close to 7am. Sex on the brain after teasing myself with the straight boys at Insomnia. But sex would just be another substitute. So I'm not drunk or high, but sex is the same thing. So I forgo trying to hook up and goto sleep.
Sleep. Dreams of having hair. Not much more memory.
I wake to an afternoon of neediness. I want to be held. I want to cry. I want to feel safe. Strong. I went to my mom's house and watched "My Big Fat Greek Wedding." I went running with my sister. I start to feel my strength and venture to Woody's to watch Queer As Folk with my roommate. Randy C. & JD were drunk at the Boom. Nathan called me on the phone to relate the information. I made a quick stop by to make sure they were okay then watched the show. I returned to The Boom when the show was over and in addition to seeing Randy C. & JD, Bryan and Aarron were there with their friends Jason & Michael. The strength in me still there. The neediness still there. As I described it to Nathan....I felt like I was 2 seconds away from crying at any given moment, but smiling all the time. Drink. Drink. Drink....
But I've drank so much this weekend that the alcohol doesn't do anything anymore. It's like water and I'm just going to the bathroom to let it flow free. My body is good to me that way. It knows when to think for me when I wont do it for myself. I want them so badly, but know that it's a way of avoiding intimacy for myself or not dealing with my own issues. I haven't had sex with anyone since them and I know that's because the intensity of what I felt between them, us three, shared in something that was random for them was something that I would like a lot to have again. I'm not healthy enough to separate emotion from my sexual encounters---and when I say healthy, I don't mean that anyone should be able to do that, but that I have in the past. Sometimes I think that I am that kind of person and sometimes I think that I'm not at all. Two separate lives. Thoughts. Joe shows up with Jon, Dan & Jim. Dan & Jim are visiting from Pittsburgh. Just when I think that the music isn't good enough to dance to, Randy C. & I find ourselves on the dancefloor. I finally found my dance groove that I couldn't the prior night. Boys watching but not approaching. I say goodbye in my head, but not before text messaging an honest thought to B & A. No response.
I finally do cry on my drive home. Something so pure streaming down my cheeks. Something so honest to myself. I feel it again right now.
MONDAY
I've stayed into my lunch 20 minutes to comlete this entry. I'm tired & hungry and nothing is resolved. I have this desire to push myself so that I don't have to think. ((But I've also made an appointment to see the doctor))
Two lives....always pulling each other.
FRIDAY
I left work and had plans with Mark to goto a club called Hotdog. I thought it was in Long Beach, but spoke with Ali and heard that it was in Los Angeles. Having been in LA Tues & Thurs, I wasn't in the mood to be there again. I had a message from Bobby letting me know he and the boys would be at The Boom. Sanctuary for the South Orange County lazy fags---I qualified. Arturo was online when I got home and checked my mail so I invited him down. I'm glad he came.
I took a disposable camera that I had started on Thursday Night at TigerHeat. I wanted pictures of us with Ali and I also wanted candid shots of them. We pose too much. The pose is never as real as the candid. We have learned to hate what we see in our candid moments because somehow we believe that the pretty & beautiful poses are what we want to be remembered by. Sometimes I do too. I think with this new blogger pro I can upload pictures. I will have to figure that out.
Arturo drove me home & stayed the night. There's a comfort with him that I don't have with many people. He will always be one of my first loves and can never deminish in my heart.
Another night of drinking. Did I stop counting? Is this the therapy I seek?
SATURDAY
I had my alarm set for 9:45am. I wanted to get up early and start a productive day that was to begin with going to The Center Orange County to get my HIV results. Arturo was a bit sluggish getting up so I showered and ate, spoke with my roommate, Art, and then Arturo awoke. I had "snacked" a breakfast, but they were hungry. We dropped off the disposable camera at 30min Photo and then had breakfast at Mimi's Cafe. A political discussion on homelessness, the "war" and other world concerns jumped across the plates of food. Arturo's running board president of one of his property associations. A fun moment was when Arturo was describing the current property manager and yelled "bitch" so that all the tables around us could hear. Volume. haha
The pictures turned out as I wanted. Cute and candid.
Next stop, the City of Orange library. The book I checked out on Billie Holiday was due February 26th. $7.20 later, I returned it in the same condition. They were happy that I actually returned it.
The rest of the daytime can only be characterized as an uncanny Jeremy shopping day. I just wanted to buy everything. From drinking to spending money. It's all so healthy and solves everything at the root.
Arturo makes me laugh so much. Mr. Wit. We went from South Coast Plaza to Irvine Spectrum to Fashion Island to Main Place Mall in search of a Cinnabon store. Sure, we could have called, but the adventure was more fun. The day was beautiful, blue, clear and sunny. We saw Catalina on our way to Fashion Island and the division of ethnicities among these various malls. I got my shoes, cologne, underwear and sunglasses. It felt good to splurge.
We made it back to the house in time for Arturo to take a power nap and me to go into the garage and shave off all my hair. Therapy? I've always liked how the lack of hair accents my eyes. Even more so now that I have the eyebrow piercing. My head being shaved alters my look completely. It gives off a different message to people that would have preconceived notions in their head. This book's cover is less likely to attract the conservative mind. (hmm....flash thought thinks that perhaps this cover would if the conservative had some inner yearning.)
D.R.'s birthday invitation on EVITE said that his dinner was at "BJ's Restaurant." I'd never heard of it, but when Arturo & I drove up to the location we were like, "Oh.... BJ's PIZZA." (Which it is commonly referred to) Drinks with dinner made for good & toasty.
EUPHEMISMS....the substitution of an agreeable or inoffensive expression for one that may offend or suggest something unpleasant. Okay, David was correct & Arturo and I were wrong. Nonetheless, the laughter that was generated for Arturo & I being dorks was just wonderful.
SIDE NOTE OUT OF TIMELINE: Sitting in training. Bored. (Do you see a recurring theme?) My mind wandered to last night, seeing Bryand & Aaron. Crazy mad beautiful. So I'm hard sitting here in training now. LOL. Wow. RESUME TIMELINE....
By the end of dinner I was okay to drive. This guy I've been talking to online, J.G.--haha...Jose, was going to the Henry Fonda theater for an event called Electroclash II. Turns out Ali was going too. I drove up to join Ali & his friends, but couldn't find parking. It was midnight. I decided just to goto RAGE and dance. Lots of cute faces, but I was feeling outside of everyone again. I couldn't mix. I didn't feel like drinking anymore knowing that I was by myself and had to drive. A couple guys asked me to dance but I was in my own head and not looking to drown in someone else's--a stranger's--energy.
2am came around. Club house lights went up. The roaches scatter of the dance floor to the sidewalk sale outside of the club. I walked to my car. As I turned the key to get in a cute boy passed by, glancing longer than he needed to and I could tell because of the burning in the back of my shaved head. In my car I get a call from Ali. I meet up to give him pictures from Friday night and then drove to Insomnia by myself.
SUNDAY
The club let out at 2am, but springing forward my phone showed it as 3 and some odd minutes and also showed a text message. The message was from Randy. I don't know if he was drunk or high or sober but there was a message referring to our good times together. This was an added thought that did not need to be in my head.
Arriving at Insomnia, I wanted to get high. I felt like I couldn't quiet my mind and was being consumed. As the DJ's transitioned, I sat in front of a speaker and let the thumping at the base of my skull resonate through to my eyes, ears, shoulders. In a moment I came alive to move with the beat and in the next second I was sitting again. I decided that getting high was not what I really wanted. Getting drunk was not what I really wanted. Being with Randy is not what I really wanted. Being with Lanny is not what I really wanted. The idea is what I wanted. (Want)
I left and arrived home close to 7am. Sex on the brain after teasing myself with the straight boys at Insomnia. But sex would just be another substitute. So I'm not drunk or high, but sex is the same thing. So I forgo trying to hook up and goto sleep.
Sleep. Dreams of having hair. Not much more memory.
I wake to an afternoon of neediness. I want to be held. I want to cry. I want to feel safe. Strong. I went to my mom's house and watched "My Big Fat Greek Wedding." I went running with my sister. I start to feel my strength and venture to Woody's to watch Queer As Folk with my roommate. Randy C. & JD were drunk at the Boom. Nathan called me on the phone to relate the information. I made a quick stop by to make sure they were okay then watched the show. I returned to The Boom when the show was over and in addition to seeing Randy C. & JD, Bryan and Aarron were there with their friends Jason & Michael. The strength in me still there. The neediness still there. As I described it to Nathan....I felt like I was 2 seconds away from crying at any given moment, but smiling all the time. Drink. Drink. Drink....
But I've drank so much this weekend that the alcohol doesn't do anything anymore. It's like water and I'm just going to the bathroom to let it flow free. My body is good to me that way. It knows when to think for me when I wont do it for myself. I want them so badly, but know that it's a way of avoiding intimacy for myself or not dealing with my own issues. I haven't had sex with anyone since them and I know that's because the intensity of what I felt between them, us three, shared in something that was random for them was something that I would like a lot to have again. I'm not healthy enough to separate emotion from my sexual encounters---and when I say healthy, I don't mean that anyone should be able to do that, but that I have in the past. Sometimes I think that I am that kind of person and sometimes I think that I'm not at all. Two separate lives. Thoughts. Joe shows up with Jon, Dan & Jim. Dan & Jim are visiting from Pittsburgh. Just when I think that the music isn't good enough to dance to, Randy C. & I find ourselves on the dancefloor. I finally found my dance groove that I couldn't the prior night. Boys watching but not approaching. I say goodbye in my head, but not before text messaging an honest thought to B & A. No response.
I finally do cry on my drive home. Something so pure streaming down my cheeks. Something so honest to myself. I feel it again right now.
MONDAY
I've stayed into my lunch 20 minutes to comlete this entry. I'm tired & hungry and nothing is resolved. I have this desire to push myself so that I don't have to think. ((But I've also made an appointment to see the doctor))
Two lives....always pulling each other.
Wednesday, April 02, 2003
Caffeine Please
Training. I've written before--from this very room even--how difficult it is for me to sit through this. I get sleepy. I'm easily bored. I'm impatient waiting for others in the class to understand what is being taught. Academic environments are always like this to me. Maybe that is why I can't seem to continue in college. It's such a long process to gain knowledge that I can assimilate faster than a semester here & there. Blah.
One hour and fifteen minutes. Then I'm off to home and roommate Art, Josh & I are off to The Library coffeehouse in Long Beach. I feel like eating a fruit tart.
My glasses or contacts? Hmm. haha.
One hour and fifteen minutes. Then I'm off to home and roommate Art, Josh & I are off to The Library coffeehouse in Long Beach. I feel like eating a fruit tart.
My glasses or contacts? Hmm. haha.
