When we were adolescents, time was this snail driving the "growing up" bus while we were stuck behind it trying to beat it to adulthood. It felt like we were never going to reach our destination. We were told by various adults and elders in our lives that we would "grow up" and "grow old" in the blink of an eye. Looking back...the analogy is understandable now, but can you ever really relate that to a teenager when every blink still has a snail in front of them?
Now, in our 30's, there are fewer blinks of the eye with each span of ten, eleven, twelve years. We feel time moving around us with an alacrity that is not always as welcome, or even as yearned for, as our teenage selves. Some of us are lucky enough to store memories as if they were decade long staring contests--no blinks--and manage to freeze single moments. I am in one of those moments now. They're not just pictures in my mind, they feel like indelible emotions that bring me such overwhelming joy. I want more of them. I have always wanted more of the best in each of you.
This year has brought a new dimension to these moments. It is such a foreign experience to immediately feel happiness and then burst into tears. Most of the time, I'm able to hold the dam until I'm alone. Other times, like tonight, there are cracks that form in the taxi ride after dancing.
Some say that I should know this feeling. It's like when you're in a relationship with someone, then you break-up and for a period of time afterward the places you used to go together, or things you did that once brought great joy now make you sad. In time, you "moved on." This may be a great time for the song lyric from "Hallelujah." (I prefer the Jeff Buckley cover)
"Well maybe there's a God above
But all I've really learned from Love
Is how to shoot somebody who out drew ya."
This may be a slight tangent...but in an American reality that does not grant gays the right to marry, it also denies us an institution to feel and be part of, a foundation for leaving our nuclear family and then building our own, and a sense of security that our straight peers have since birth. Of the three of us, I think Randy had the longest relationship with Frederic, and that was just a drop in the bucket of time. Both of you have the "benefit" of having parents who are still married, but have fared no differently than the examples I was raised with. It's no wonder that I chose to put my emotional longevity with souls who, even though I may never be married to, have been more honest & truly communicative than many of the marriages I've observed have ever emulated. My whole point--i warned of a tangent--is no, it is *not* the same as feeling sad visiting some place I went on a date with an ex. Straight people sometimes truly don't get this. Maybe making the analogy that my relationship with you guys, almost two decades, is just as powerful in spirit as the marriages and family bonds that they enjoy, then they might get it...but alas, I think the realities are just not that understandable to most still.
I feel time moving around me. I see people moving on without me. Again, I feel like I want time to move faster. The snail needs his license suspended. What's he doing still driving anyway? Wasn't he ancient when I was a teenager! And there it is...I am not looking through the eyes of an impatient teenager, but through the experience of an adult who is wanting the wisdom of an elder and knowing that I haven't earned it yet. Have you ever noticed really old people don't blink as much as the rest of us? I do. Maybe there lies the secret of time...
