In twelve hours I start something that scares me. I don't know that I completely agree with it. I know that there's a part of me that feels very dumb. Something that Arturo said in an IM earlier today made me feel a little better. We were discussing how stupid I feel and he referenced that even the best lawyers hire other lawyers to represent them in court.
I've never been good at asking for help.
I just realized as I'm typing that I never called Jeremy back today. I said I would. It's 3:45am. I think I'll go and leave him a quick e-mail during my break. He invited me to goto a cemetery to watch a movie. Jeremy is totally creative that way. ((And no, I'm not talking about myself in the 3rd person... it's Jeremy Irvine.))
How come the cuticle skin creeps up after you push it down? Perhaps it grows as the nail grows? They both just keep growing. Growing... growing. And here I am.
Growing but not learning. Or... learning and not listening to myself.
I just don't feel like writing lately with so much rampage inside.
Friday, October 31, 2003
Monday, October 27, 2003
Criminal Behavior
Riding into work tonight, Irvine Police decide to pull me over because the bike I'm riding--on the sidewalk up above and away from street traffic about 10 feet--doesn't have a headlight or tail light. This is what being a police officer is all about.
He let me go with a warning. What a nice guy. And I didn't even have to give him a blow job or follow him back to his home and...
He let me go with a warning. What a nice guy. And I didn't even have to give him a blow job or follow him back to his home and...
Friday, October 24, 2003
yay yay yays
Online people are whack sometimes. Enough said about that.
A long absence again. A lot on my mind---clouded. A lot of good stuff and nothing too bad really. I don't believe I've ever typed that before. So, what's the good stuff? With my car totaled and the loan payed off, I'm completely debt free. In fact, I suppose if I count my savings and 401k I actually have what fancy finance people would call a "positive net worth." Ugh... as if one's net worth could only be described in terms of money. So with the financial stress gone I've been in shopping therapy mode for the past week or so. I have a Game Cube again. Yay.
I received my blogger pull-over sweatshirt in the mail. It's warm.
A long absence again. A lot on my mind---clouded. A lot of good stuff and nothing too bad really. I don't believe I've ever typed that before. So, what's the good stuff? With my car totaled and the loan payed off, I'm completely debt free. In fact, I suppose if I count my savings and 401k I actually have what fancy finance people would call a "positive net worth." Ugh... as if one's net worth could only be described in terms of money. So with the financial stress gone I've been in shopping therapy mode for the past week or so. I have a Game Cube again. Yay.
I received my blogger pull-over sweatshirt in the mail. It's warm.
Sunday, October 12, 2003
Quiet Thoughts
I woke up at 2:30am. Napping right before work is *not* the best idea because my body all too naturally drifts back to being asleep during the dark hours... hahahaha... "dark hours" Sounds like something that would be said in a movie with a heavy Catholic theme, some type of demonic possession and/or "evil" that The Church has to stamp out....fade into a council of very gaunt and serious faces where a bishop says, "Make no mistake, these are the dark hours, and we will be judged without mercy." Hmm.... what an imagination. But yeah.. waking up at 2:30am is not a good thing when you don't have a car and you're going to be riding a bike to work for the first time. Walking the distance between work & home is about an hour. Riding the bike was about 20 minutes. Tonight, in my frantic state I made it in about 15 minutes. I bet I could do it in close to 10 if I really had to. (I'd be soaking wet, but I could probably do it)
Paul came over yesterday after his interview at Black Angus. From his description it sounded like the interview was just a formality of the process of being hired. Good for him. He looked very sharp in his interview clothes. Spiffy. (Another word that I seldom use.) We walked around the lake, went to Mervyn's and then ordered pizza at the house while watching "Boy's Life." While he was trying on pants, I decided that I needed to look at shoes. My Imelda Marcos tendancies came out....and three pairs of shoes later, I had two big Mervyn's bags to carry out to Paul's truck.
I was feeling really affectionate when Paul was over. Playful. While walking around the lake I was quacking back at the ducks, throwing little rocks in the water that they thought was food so they would come rushing near. We all act like those ducks sometimes.
I really feel much better lately. I think this change in vehicle situation, making cash flow positive again has lightened a load off my shoudlers. Financial straits have always caused the most stress for me. It triggers my depressive state of being immobile.
I'm drifting now. 6am. 15 minutes until lunchtime and a nap.
Paul came over yesterday after his interview at Black Angus. From his description it sounded like the interview was just a formality of the process of being hired. Good for him. He looked very sharp in his interview clothes. Spiffy. (Another word that I seldom use.) We walked around the lake, went to Mervyn's and then ordered pizza at the house while watching "Boy's Life." While he was trying on pants, I decided that I needed to look at shoes. My Imelda Marcos tendancies came out....and three pairs of shoes later, I had two big Mervyn's bags to carry out to Paul's truck.
I was feeling really affectionate when Paul was over. Playful. While walking around the lake I was quacking back at the ducks, throwing little rocks in the water that they thought was food so they would come rushing near. We all act like those ducks sometimes.
I really feel much better lately. I think this change in vehicle situation, making cash flow positive again has lightened a load off my shoudlers. Financial straits have always caused the most stress for me. It triggers my depressive state of being immobile.
I'm drifting now. 6am. 15 minutes until lunchtime and a nap.
Saturday, October 11, 2003
Mulling oVer
I heave forward in giggles at the thoughts of last night's friendly frolicking. My attempts at being evil were thwarted by the full moon...and oh how I tried, but the world wasn't having it. "Kill Bill" was very entertaining. Glad Sebastian decided to come out and see it with us.Definitely something to see again at full price. Boy Bar was a pleasant night. Art, Chuck, Mark, Javier, Julian, Shawn, Carlos, et. al. Music was mediocre, but I expected that much.
And now I'm walking home from work. =)
And now I'm walking home from work. =)
Thursday, October 09, 2003
Blogging Around
Your mind can play tricks on you---so wouldn't that just be YOU playing tricks with YOU? I woke up at some point in the middle of the night and although I knew I was awake, there was something in the corner of my bedroom--near the ceiling--that made me do a double & triple take.... I was squinting, but it seriously looked like there was an obersvation window in my room. Something similar to the beginning of Space Mountain at Disneyland where you're facing the people in the "control room" area. I looked to my right (my side..hehe) and saw Paul sleeping. I looked back up to the ceiling and there seemed to be shadows of people moving. It bothered me that I knew I was awake and couldn't make out what was really going on.
This morning when I looked at the ceiling, I laughed... The smoke detector has a green light on it. In my groggy state, my eyes would've been blurry and somehow I made the starbursting light into a window. So why would the trick I play on myself be one of someone observing me? I know it's because I feel that this is what's going on with people thinking about Paul and me. Simply for the fact that we have people we know in common. If we were two strangers, the general feeling would be that of interest from friends wanting to get to know the person that we're interested in, but because most of these people already know that information, now it's just a sense that they're trying to figure out if we make a good pair, how long would it last, blah blah... the typical faggy things that make gossip & soccer mom chats. And yet we love them for it all.
The last 24-36 hours with Paul were a perfect expression and exchange of where and who I like being. He got to see me with my friends, see me drunk, see me by myself, see me in panic mode with my lost keys, see me in deep thought mode, lay in silence watching Pulp Fiction, kiss and heat up with the window cracked to cool me down. He's been exposed to my meds and the history behind them. (Accompanying me to a psyche appointment nonetheless...lol) I'm learning more and more about the "women" of his life and the pathways that make Paul. I'm happy with our pacing. I realize I'm in "infatuation territory" but rather than analyze that, I'm simply just enjoying it. yay.
My car has been totalled. At 2:30pm today I'll be at the Progressive Insurancce office to claim my check for approximately $3,600.00. Total payout: $11,359.62 or which $7,719.00 was paid directly to Chase Bank for my loan amount. After weighing my options for the last week, I've decided to get a motorcycle and forgo another car payment right now. I've already changed my vehicle insurance policy to just follow me as a driver for liability and no specific car. I'm waiting to hear about a safety training course to take and also hear back from people regarding bike (motorcycle) info. In the interim with no vehicle and no motorcycle license, I'll be using Chuck's mountain bike to commute the 3.6 miles to and from work. :-)
It's gray outside. Very gray. Noon.
This morning when I looked at the ceiling, I laughed... The smoke detector has a green light on it. In my groggy state, my eyes would've been blurry and somehow I made the starbursting light into a window. So why would the trick I play on myself be one of someone observing me? I know it's because I feel that this is what's going on with people thinking about Paul and me. Simply for the fact that we have people we know in common. If we were two strangers, the general feeling would be that of interest from friends wanting to get to know the person that we're interested in, but because most of these people already know that information, now it's just a sense that they're trying to figure out if we make a good pair, how long would it last, blah blah... the typical faggy things that make gossip & soccer mom chats. And yet we love them for it all.
The last 24-36 hours with Paul were a perfect expression and exchange of where and who I like being. He got to see me with my friends, see me drunk, see me by myself, see me in panic mode with my lost keys, see me in deep thought mode, lay in silence watching Pulp Fiction, kiss and heat up with the window cracked to cool me down. He's been exposed to my meds and the history behind them. (Accompanying me to a psyche appointment nonetheless...lol) I'm learning more and more about the "women" of his life and the pathways that make Paul. I'm happy with our pacing. I realize I'm in "infatuation territory" but rather than analyze that, I'm simply just enjoying it. yay.
My car has been totalled. At 2:30pm today I'll be at the Progressive Insurancce office to claim my check for approximately $3,600.00. Total payout: $11,359.62 or which $7,719.00 was paid directly to Chase Bank for my loan amount. After weighing my options for the last week, I've decided to get a motorcycle and forgo another car payment right now. I've already changed my vehicle insurance policy to just follow me as a driver for liability and no specific car. I'm waiting to hear about a safety training course to take and also hear back from people regarding bike (motorcycle) info. In the interim with no vehicle and no motorcycle license, I'll be using Chuck's mountain bike to commute the 3.6 miles to and from work. :-)
It's gray outside. Very gray. Noon.
Friday, October 03, 2003
LOST IN LIKE?
I'm still waiting to hear the resolution with the resolution to whether or not my car is a total loss or not. Tomorrow should be
http://www.apa.org/pubinfo/answers.html
That link is for my new friend, Joe. The information should be printed out, given to the "therapist" that his parents have set-up for him. It should be pounded into his parents' skulls. I will never understand how a parent could choose religious prejudice over the love for their child. This ugly ignorance pains me. How lucky am I? Very. I think that's why I've always tried to give back in supporting those out there that do not have the family love that I have felt. It's why I used to volunteer to run the youth group, why I speak for PFLAG and why I still find such a strong bond with the generations new to their coming out that have no direction.
I've been spending a lot more time online. In comparison to when? Hmm... I don't have a sense in comparison to a specific time frame. It just feels like I'm online more. Perhaps because I'm talking to so many more random people. Is it because I'm searching for connections to this world? Is it because I'm lonely? Is it because I'm feeling a bit more open and social? Is it because I'm too lazy to be out in public, or am I afraid to go in public? Is it because...... blah blah blah. This is what my mind is like all the time. So instead of trying to find the details---which cause endless questions for more details, I would prefer to just know what I do and then either continue or stop. The point of remarking on my online time is because there are certain people that I speak with regularity and there are those that I see and will say a word here and there to. Paul would be one of the latter. (Hehe.. I just got that funny tummy feeling typing his name.)
Impressions... cute, interesting, friendly, awesome kisser, warm. Cuddles. We'll definitely be spending more time together. My arms are sore. Hahahaha. It felt nice to have him run his hands on my head.
I can barely keep my eyes open: 6:45am. Lunch break in 15. A breakfast Jack from Jack In The Box sounds delish. (I can't believe I just typed "delish.")
Phaedra is the cool "chick" at my work that I love to make laugh. Usually it's by saying something crazy. Today, when she came in and sat down I sent her an instant message that said, "I bet I can make you laugh." She said, "How?" I responded with: "I'm having a FATTY Day."
http://www.apa.org/pubinfo/answers.html
That link is for my new friend, Joe. The information should be printed out, given to the "therapist" that his parents have set-up for him. It should be pounded into his parents' skulls. I will never understand how a parent could choose religious prejudice over the love for their child. This ugly ignorance pains me. How lucky am I? Very. I think that's why I've always tried to give back in supporting those out there that do not have the family love that I have felt. It's why I used to volunteer to run the youth group, why I speak for PFLAG and why I still find such a strong bond with the generations new to their coming out that have no direction.
I've been spending a lot more time online. In comparison to when? Hmm... I don't have a sense in comparison to a specific time frame. It just feels like I'm online more. Perhaps because I'm talking to so many more random people. Is it because I'm searching for connections to this world? Is it because I'm lonely? Is it because I'm feeling a bit more open and social? Is it because I'm too lazy to be out in public, or am I afraid to go in public? Is it because...... blah blah blah. This is what my mind is like all the time. So instead of trying to find the details---which cause endless questions for more details, I would prefer to just know what I do and then either continue or stop. The point of remarking on my online time is because there are certain people that I speak with regularity and there are those that I see and will say a word here and there to. Paul would be one of the latter. (Hehe.. I just got that funny tummy feeling typing his name.)
Impressions... cute, interesting, friendly, awesome kisser, warm. Cuddles. We'll definitely be spending more time together. My arms are sore. Hahahaha. It felt nice to have him run his hands on my head.
I can barely keep my eyes open: 6:45am. Lunch break in 15. A breakfast Jack from Jack In The Box sounds delish. (I can't believe I just typed "delish.")
Phaedra is the cool "chick" at my work that I love to make laugh. Usually it's by saying something crazy. Today, when she came in and sat down I sent her an instant message that said, "I bet I can make you laugh." She said, "How?" I responded with: "I'm having a FATTY Day."
