Free-Flow...Non-Stop:

I turn on Annie Lennox's "Love Song for a Vampire" and want to lay back and cry but I think that's just wallowing so instead I'm writing. I watched "ELEPHANT" by Gus Van Sant earlier tonight with Mark and wanted to cry during the movie at parts when I realized that gay childeren do some terrible things to themselves and others because they can't be accepted by the mass populous. I was fortunate... I just surpressed it until I was at an age where I felt I could do something to control my surroundings. I found outlets... but lest I forget that I live in Southern California and am in a state that has some very prominent Gay Ghettos. I'm online and I see Randy has a screen name on Gay.com entitled "XHumbee" and a rage comes over me--yet I don't flash heat. How careless and tacky is it to use the pet name that I called him as a call sign to the gay community of perverts? If that doesn't just nail into me the complete and utter depth of his insensitivity and naivitae then what will? How many pains to I have to feel before I unscrew myself from the track and move out of the way of the next train? And another train is coming into town. Laney. I love him. I love Chuck. I love Randy. I miss Jared. I'm so so sad about losing D.R. as a friend. But I look to the positive things in my life...the current friends that are amazing. They fill me with warmth. Their love is bright and shining. I have my health..while all the others around me are getting this cough cough cough sickness I've remained resilient. I have my mind and my creativity and I feel the need to start expressing that more and more. I have myself somewhere in here and now that the anti-depressants are clearing out of my system I feel like I'm making some decisions and caring about things more than I ever have in the last 10 months. I bought books from amazon.com that arrived and I've begun reading Kurt Vaonnegut's "Cat's Cradle." I like it because the "chapters" are broken up in to very small, easy reads. I have a DVD collection that is mounting and yet I haven't bought a DVD player. I will.. but probably not until next year. Next year... I have set-up my medical spending account for $3k because I plan on having the lasik procedure done and kiss these glasses I'm wearing goodbye as well as those boxes of contacts and solution. Wouldn't that grand? I've worn glasses since I was 5 years old. I still haven't talked to my mother on the phone. Probably over 2 weeks now. We've communicated via e-mail and text message. A part of me fears that this will be the bulk of our "light" conversation for the rest of our lives and I'm tryinig to become okay with that inside. I'm realizing that my initial black and white roots are re-surfacing because they have to....while the gray hairs creep in here and there, so will expections to every rule until such time the rule is bent or broken----the plucking of a gray that cannot be anymore. All the while striving not to be artificial or using a hair dye product to coat over what is original and good still. No, no need for that. I've been talking to Chuck's ex, Eddie on-line. I know he thinks that I have some ulterior motive. Do I? I feel brotherly toward him in the same way that I feel for Javier. I sense something inside that needs to be freed from the terrible bondage of being hurt... but they have to take the steps to do the work otherwise they are just blind to the choices that continue to be made in haste and lead to their own demise. So stop worrying about other people Jeremy!!! wow... snap me back to place. Where am I? Where am I?

I still want to find a piano to pound on.