Y wonder I

2:50am. This has always been "my time." Lately I've been able to enjoy it. Yes, at the cost of worry that I'm procrastinating the job search too long, but I try not to let that overshadow the joy that I have rarely experienced in recent years.

I wonder how I can be so calm about the financial winds that are heading my way. I suppose that giving myself stomach problems and restless nights will not change the situation so I have adopted a somewhat cavalier status quo. I do worry. I have just learned not to let this consume me as I have in the past. That is when I become overwhelmed. That is when medicine doesn't do much good either.

I am going to find myself among the populous of uninsured people come the end of the month. COBRA is a joke. Ha...ha ha ha ha... ha.

Work in a few shot hours. Dream Dinners is being handed off to new owners. I will miss Mike & Jen; Tevis, Myles & Chase. Nice people who have made my burdens feel small at times these last couple years. The boys reminded me of how Byron and I used to play when we were younger. The birth of Chase was like when Philip came along. It's a long stretch back to that time.

Time to get warm.

From These Lips

Been having a nice time relaxing @ Alex's place for the past few hours. I needed decompression time to process the idea of taking on a new job; new industry.... next chapter. I've also given myself permission to have a week off and sort through all the feelings that are coming up because of this. Waiting to hear back from the good ole' psyche guy to unload for an hour there.

Music is to be the medicine.
People are to be the cradle.
I am to be the microscope.

Now is now. The future is...... now.

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Saturday night out with Charlie, Mark, Hektor. Arturo and Scott joined up. I don't think that will last very long. It will last as long as Arturo wants to play the game. Mark is back East now. He will use the tail end to visit with Charles....I envy him. Maybe I will find the time to do the same soon.

I must get to Seattle soon. Grandpa..... sigh.

I like my mind slow like this.

Taking Five

Went to dinner last night with Justin. We also watched JUNO. I bought the soundtrack on my way home.

I forgot to put a belt on when I left the house this morning.
I'm drinking green tea.

Hi Friend

"Hi Friend" is a greeting I have heard in many different capacities in the last couple months. I saw the word "brainstorm" in an IM I was part of yesterday and as I sat down to write tonight the word flashed in my head and I realized that it's been a long time since I've just let out a continuous stream of thought.... so here I am.

Between Nick, another French guy I met last week named Dominic and a random message from a French boy, Steve, in Paris I've made the joke that I'm a French Magnet. While sharing this with my roommate, Charlie, I joked that I should get a shirt that says, "I'll Fuck you if you French me." I'm sure the humor will not translate to this journal entry, but it was funny at the time and something that I do not want to forget as the years roll by....

And rolling by they are. I received an email from Lanny yesterday that put all of that into some perspective. At least it began to clarify the lines. (what does that mean?) I often think in phrases that paint images or conjure emotions. From time to time I have gone back and read my entries (not often) and I'll read a passage where the wording perplexes me but I will remember the feeling of the time when I wrote it. It's the way I'm wired I guess. As the Goldfrapp lyric goes...."I'm wired to the world. That's how I know everything. I'm superbrain. That's how they made me."

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Now playing on Winamp: Goldfrapp - Utopia

So about 45minutes ago I posted the song info above... I then got side-tracked and looked up the video on YouTube which led me to my own YouTube page which led me to look at Nick's YouTube videos and I saw heard his mother for the first time. That was a special moment. I went back to my page and watched "The Angry Asian" and "When Orientals Drink." I've been smiling and laughing so much since then. Which brings me back to my brainstorm and the feelings that have led me here.

I got an email from Lanny last night that and he talked about dreams. Dreams in life. Inspiration really. When I write I feel that dream. He reminds me of that every so often and I file the thought away in my head somewhere. I need to stop doing that.

And Bobby needs to stop with this lemonade diet. Not happy about that. But then...

Enter Now MMVIIII

I'm still walking. I'm still looking. I find myself now in this 2008 place and the rains are coming. Philip is in Iraq. I started to feel the magic again in the weeks leading up to Xmas. Then as quickly as it came it disappeared again and I was caught off guard.

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Now playing on Winamp: Madonna - Live to Tell

What I should be doing is running and save the walking for when I have someone to circle the pond with.