Babble on the Plane

"In night visions--sometimes called dreams--they walked in times that seemed important. And the rest of us asleep, without the hopes, tried with little effort to be the same. And we were."

Airplanes

12-noon
My 11am flight was cancelled due to "mechanical problems." Just as well. What good is being on time if I have to crash as well? So I called Cardwell and got him as he was pulling into his driveway. We had breakfast at Hof's Hut with the Brigade of Deficient Servers. Now I'm back at the airport and sitting in these airport chairs. Black. Of Course. Cute boy, painfully straight, is gnawing on his fingernails. Little girl, excited to walk, is moving quickly ahead of mother. Jeremy, emotional sponge--observing.

CHARACTER IDEA: Suggests diseases to everyone that they might have. Then the people eventually after being worn down think they might have these things.

Boobies

Martin & I had dinner at Hooters in Santa Monica. Neither one of us had been in one before. We lost out on Tuesday Trivia because I answered "Vogue" instead of "Vanity Fair" for one of the questions about Demi Moore posing nude on the cover. Damn. I forgot my I.D. and cards at home so we didn't go out dancing, but instead came home and watched "SEVEN." As usual... I hadn't seen it since the theater. (Kinda hard to forget how it ends though)

Cardwell was at the Sting/Annie Lennox concert at the Hollywood Bowl. Nathan is down in San Diego with the family enjoying some vacation time. My vacation time started yesterday. I'm not back to work until this coming Monday. Thursday I leave for Salt Lake City to visit Dominic for a few days and celebrate his 21st birthday.

While I was driving tonight I had several moments of chills. Also, flashes of heat. I started the day with getting up and looking through old e-mails to delete. Ran across my Randy file. The last e-mail in it was one he sent me when he was leaving our old apartment for the last day. As I started to feel tears from reading, "You'll always be my first love. You'll always bethe one who made me cry when we made love." I got up and went running. Came home, took a shower, and went to lunch with Cardwell.

What am I to people?

Two Bits

11:30am
When I got in bed this morning I felt something crawling on me. A nice feeling at 3:30am. Ants. My mortal nemesis.

1:00pm
Walking around the buildings, I'm okay today. I had fun last night at Rey's "kick back" with Martin. The straight kids were funny.

I'm money stressing again. Big time. It should be manageable in another few months, but for now. :-(

Fast Food, Fast Thought

I was going through the drive-thru at Jack-in-the-Box earlier tonight, listening to the Frou Frou song that plays during the end title credits for "Garden State." I thought of how one loved one dies shortly after another because their lives are so connected that one cannot live without the other. I've felt so lost since grandma's death 12 years ago.

The only bus stop on this route...

I don't know anymore. I guess I never really did. I used to walk around with a false confidence that I had a knowledge that wasn't really there. The way I carried myself and the way that I spoke reinforced this very fact---which wasn't a fact at all. I look into the faces of people lately and I see the things that they believe; the "facts" that drive them. It's nothing that is right or wrong, only right or wrong for ourselves. I don't have faith in a path for myself anymore.
So I'm drinking regular soda and not diet. I'm not sleeping much. I'm in debt more than I'd like. I'm not keeping my room as clean as I should. I see myself not being true to my vision of writing and these things must change. So let me start with writing...

This whole dating thing. I'm dating or seeing more than just one person. The fact that I'm doing this really isn't anyone's business because I have no committments or exclusivity to anyone, but I know that some of the people I'm dating read this journal and that has caused me to not write about anyone for some time now. Sucks. They're great guys. They make me smile. They make me feel good. I think I do the same for them. They're different. They are driven and have dreams. Don't judge lest ye be judged?... that saying hits my mind as I'm in between commercials for "Wing Commander." So I've had this writer's block because I have things in my head but I don't know how to put them down... the answer, of course, is just to let it all come out and not really think about it too much. In thinking, I'm not sure that I really am wanting to get too serious with anyone. That thought obviously conflicts with the feelings of wanting to be "boyfriend like" with someone. I guess in this search, I'm not rushing and just waiting for that "click" that happens with someone.

I've been on two dates with Martin. I met him through the Sunday group that Art had over to the house during the Summer. We had the benefit of being around each other in groups for a bit to see some of each others' personalities. He has these beautiful blue eyes that you can swim laps through the universe in. He's at that point in his life where the roads before him are being chosen and the paths will carry him into his 20's. I think we like each other, but I'm not sure how much we have in common yet. An interesting facet to dating Martin is that he has next to no dating experience and no serious relationship experience and that's something I haven't really encountered before. (Well, not since I was first dating) It's both fresh and fun as well as a challenge for my abundance of patience.. haha, yeah. He's leaving for school in Berkeley. I think that plays in my head in the overall equation. I have this thought of how cute it was when he answered the phone one night and was speaking Croation to his uncle.

Alex is someone I'd been talking to online for a while. We met by originally talking about hooking up one day for a 3-way that I ultimately wasn't in the mood for. I think the whole 3-way idea remains crystalized in a previous entry from last year and that's where I want to keep it. When Alex and I finally did meet in person I thought it was just about sex---and maybe it was. But as I've gotten to see him more and learn about him I sense someone worth knowing. I like his playful joking. He's a good cuddle partner. His phone sticks out in my mind because it lights up and goes off at the funniest moments to me. What did we do before cell phones? I thought he was leaving for Italy come January but looks like that has changed. I posed a question to him that has not yet been answered. I was wondering if he ever wanted to hang outside of the bedroom. So I don't really know what's up there. I'm trying not to expend too much energy to figure it out. I haven't had the luxury of really getting to know him to read him just yet.

There are others that I've met or hung out with. It's hard to capture all of my impressions. I know that each attempt brings me closer.

Advice to Phil

"I accept that life's good comes with its pain. In understanding this, you must enjoy the passions to the fullest, the fun, and then harbor the pain that is left in the wake of the ship leaving port."

Nothing I really finished saying

Fingers on plastic. Fingers stretching, cracking. Fingers crossing and feeling the throbbing of my own pulse. Pondering... and then it hits me: stomach acid, hunger.

Dating is the process by which we learn about others, and they about us. In the search for knowledge, emotions flood the facts.

Miss Chief, Amiss

Not up early, never slept yet. Car stress. The clutch died Saturday night right inside of the Pacific Design Center in West Hollywood. Nathan was with me. I should jump on the Cardwell, Water Wielandt bandwagon and take up smoking as well. Being that it was a holiday weekend, I had the option of using Auto Club to tow me 45 miles back to The OC at a flat rate of $200 or use my free 7 miles to the Santa Monica Acura dealership. Later today I find out if I can pick up my car to the tune of $1400. Vroom vroom.

I can't sleep and the sun in coming up. I'm sweating.

(pause of about 30 minutes)

I'm finding that more and more I'm censoring myself here and I'm doing it for the sake of privacy. (My own and other people's.) This conflicts with my ideal of just free-flow sharing. The air conditioner just kicked in and I feel my skin getting clammy instead of just wet.

Perched

When happiness is a block away and walking isn't an option, some would choose to crawl while others will sit in the window and look at it from a distance. Sometimes the dream, the fantasy and the yearning for something is a better deal than actually obtaining and securing it. Like a career or educational goal... you work hard to reach a certain level and then what? You have to create new goals, ambitions, aspirations. We do this so we won't be bored? So we feel that we have purpose? So that we have the sensation of movement when all along the Earth is turning and we move whether we put effort into it or not.

I was reading Tim's online journal. Unless he's moved it somewhere else, there haven't been any entries since March. So much pain and anger. When I spent time with him I felt my instincts kick in and wanted to give him the things that could balance out these internal feelings. I couldn't. In some strange way we all build up our walls and create a life that we believe works for us. There are certain "needed" stimuli, other vexing ones. We calculate--consciously or unconsciously--the events that bring us pleasure and pain. We keep thoughts in our head that we don't share and those things are the source of excitement and shame and sometimes both or neither. When I meet "open spirits" I find myself drawn in by their life. Not because they are necessarily any more happy or sad, but because the have developed a way of living that I still have never found comfortable---being open. Although I've been described as "free" that's very different that being exposed. The freedom of flight that someone would see in me would most likely be someone regimented to a daily routine.

Lying here stretched open

A few days of thoughts accumulating. Mostly me trampling on myself. I'm many things inside and only one thing is looking to be fed.

Monday I was reminded of the "Let It Dry" story. Paul and AJ were over to watch movies with Art and since it was my Friday Night I stayed home and joined them for "Runaway Jury." Paul was talking about his roommate and how they have a bunk bed where the bottom bed is a fold up futon couch. This took me back to the bed I had when I moved to Upland. Time warp. It's 1994 and I'm in my room. Stace and Tom House had spent the night, Randy Avery and I were boyfriends at the time. We thought the other two were asleep and proceeded to mess around. There was nothing to clean up with afterwards and I whispered, "Just let it dry." Later that day, we were at lunch at Don Jose's and some water was spilled on the table. Tom & Stace look at each other and then at us and said, "Just let it dry." Good laughs.

Tonight Paul & AJ came over. Phil and I had spent the day hanging out. Art came home and we all watched, "Pieces of April." I laughed several times, but I also found myself emotionally drawn in by the family dynamics and the good will that neighbors will afford one another. The end sequence was "shot" in a way that evoked tears.

My alarm will go off in 8hrs. I remember, just now, that I won't be on the phones at work and will actually be doing floor support training. A piece of me is relieved for the change.

Eddy had his surgery and is layed up in bed for the next week. I joke about loving the time off of work, but the truth is that I'd probably hate it as much as he does not being able to move about and be free. He told me it was Tim's birthday today (Wednesday). Happy birthday, Tim. I wish I would've known. I should really be thanking him for helping me to put more of my own wants/needs into perspective. That's what I opened this entry thinking about... the one part of me that's just looking to be fed. It's just the real me. The part of me that flashes heat. My eyes felt dry from the air conditioner but I see now they've been moistened.