Today is a harder day than most have been this week. I type that with eyes full of tears. I've taken to continuously repeating the song "The Air That I Breathe" by The Hollies. Not even venting in the Monkey Blog is really helping this morning. Soon, I hope to be so exhausted that my body's infantile programming will kick in and have me curled up into a ball.
Sometimes...
Peace comes upon me and it leaves me weak.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009
I Found A Candlelight Flower Blooming
It's really beautiful at my work right now. It's not often that I can say that and feel in on an almost spiritual level. (many different reasons and variables for not being able to if you don't know my work) Right now the low-level azure ambient lighting is almost indigo infused with the backdrop of night's blackness. (I've even lowered the brightness on the computer screens to zero to further the effect.)
Beyond the sounds of crickets and the occasional footsteps of guests traversing from room to steam or spa to room (or room-to-room) I have Pandora streaming over the speakers. A Four Strings song called "Take Me Away (Into The Night)" can faintly be heard. It's too early to really play it louder, but that's okay because my ears are tuned to listen for any sounds that are out of the ordinary and the music would interfere with that ability that has been tuned over the past year working here.
I have so much paperwork to complete. Reports, computations, audits, training. I have so many ideas and the excitement in me is nice since it waned many years ago when I let a part of the dreamer in me become subdued. "Awakening" is a word right now that I picture being some dormant vocabulary word that has been waiting to be reactivated; nudged just the right way so to be stirred into action and not pushed off the side of a cliff. I knew when I took the time off last year that I would be floating until I could find solace somewhere.
At times I felt I was hiding away from the world in this job. Many people have not been able to understand why I would choose to remain somewhere where it has always been a struggle to get paid on time or without having the check bounce. By and large these are people who are content with where they are, or if not content, they believe that they are on the right path to attaining what it is they seek. I was at a point last year where I was not on that track and hadn't been for some time.
***I feel this could be a much longer entry than it is going to be. It's approaching 6am and I've been taking breaks from writing to tend to guest details, have a break and sit in my room a bit & walk the property to enjoy the essence of what started me writing in the first place. The ideas in my head would take me well into the next hour if I let them.... but I think this is a time when letting the responsible side of the brain assert itself for the greater good.***
Out of great pain has always been some art or insight I have gained of myself. Most of the time I have wished that such an incubation was not necessary for the payoff---indeed it is not ALWAYS, just EVERYtime. :-p The tears I have laid myself down to bed with everyday for the past month took me to the depths of my depression a couple weeks ago. If I did not have this job to channel my emotions into something I am sure that I would be dead somewhere.
Last thought for now. I know I am still so frail. Everytime I think of My Dove I well up with tears. My body flushes with chills several times a day because of how acute my empathy is. I think of Laney and Randy and the time it took to move past them.... but like grandma, there are pieces of me that have never moved on and never will. (I hope)
Beyond the sounds of crickets and the occasional footsteps of guests traversing from room to steam or spa to room (or room-to-room) I have Pandora streaming over the speakers. A Four Strings song called "Take Me Away (Into The Night)" can faintly be heard. It's too early to really play it louder, but that's okay because my ears are tuned to listen for any sounds that are out of the ordinary and the music would interfere with that ability that has been tuned over the past year working here.
I have so much paperwork to complete. Reports, computations, audits, training. I have so many ideas and the excitement in me is nice since it waned many years ago when I let a part of the dreamer in me become subdued. "Awakening" is a word right now that I picture being some dormant vocabulary word that has been waiting to be reactivated; nudged just the right way so to be stirred into action and not pushed off the side of a cliff. I knew when I took the time off last year that I would be floating until I could find solace somewhere.
At times I felt I was hiding away from the world in this job. Many people have not been able to understand why I would choose to remain somewhere where it has always been a struggle to get paid on time or without having the check bounce. By and large these are people who are content with where they are, or if not content, they believe that they are on the right path to attaining what it is they seek. I was at a point last year where I was not on that track and hadn't been for some time.
***I feel this could be a much longer entry than it is going to be. It's approaching 6am and I've been taking breaks from writing to tend to guest details, have a break and sit in my room a bit & walk the property to enjoy the essence of what started me writing in the first place. The ideas in my head would take me well into the next hour if I let them.... but I think this is a time when letting the responsible side of the brain assert itself for the greater good.***
Out of great pain has always been some art or insight I have gained of myself. Most of the time I have wished that such an incubation was not necessary for the payoff---indeed it is not ALWAYS, just EVERYtime. :-p The tears I have laid myself down to bed with everyday for the past month took me to the depths of my depression a couple weeks ago. If I did not have this job to channel my emotions into something I am sure that I would be dead somewhere.
Last thought for now. I know I am still so frail. Everytime I think of My Dove I well up with tears. My body flushes with chills several times a day because of how acute my empathy is. I think of Laney and Randy and the time it took to move past them.... but like grandma, there are pieces of me that have never moved on and never will. (I hope)
