This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. This is only a test because there is no way this could be real , right? Because if this was real then something must have happened. I'm still breathing and I think the rest of the world is still here, but maybe it's not. I went home for lunch and there was silence, and eerie something that hung in the air; awkwardness about moods and eating. Everybody has two sides. It's true. True, truth, truthest. Headache. I need a project to keep me busy until school starts. I thought of the closet with all of the many papers and memories, but I think that will be a bigger project than I have time for. School does begin in 28 days. The Mother's Day idea fell through. No one really responded too much and I didn't do prodding. I didn't feel like it. I don't want to feel like I used to in years past so I just let it go. I read a few other people's diary in the diary ring I'm in and I realized how disjointed I am. It's just exactly like I feel. The next 45 minutes until I'm off of work can't pass fast enough.
I got the official PASS score for the CBEST. Yeah.
Tuesday, April 30, 2002
shot out of cannon in D Major
Lights.....flickers......sadness.....glossy brain. I want to be left alone, but there's so much around me. I want to be touched, but not right now. I had a good laugh over the weekend tearing down a wall with my brother in my mother's garage, but it's a fleeting moment and then I run away again. Food & fun, but nothing really deep. FLickering....candlelight. Tears that won't come out; a yawn that holds them in, pushes them out around the rim of my half closed eyes. Blink. Are we really all made of stars as Moby would recite?
Monday, April 22, 2002
peek it
Seven more days and I can see the results of my CBEST test. It would really be a shame to my ego if I didn't pass it. I guess it wouldn't be THAT bad since I'm not even 1/4 of the way to completing my B.A. Ahh... hoops.
Last weekend, Randy & I drove up to Seattle. It was a quick visit. I wish it didn't have to be that way. I blame this shitty system of living we've developed, one where money and capitalism takes precedence over a person's life. Where are our priorities?
There's a spider above head. I happened to glance up on the darkness and can see the darker spot on the ceiling than is normal. Maybe I'll type faster now.
In my head I can't stop thinking about Grandma Jean, my mother, Marthalee, Randy, Nathan, D.R., Randy C, Chuck, Art, my brothers and sister. There are books I have not written, classes still waiting to be taken. There are children that I want to raise. There are roads not fully travelled and roads not even trod upon. I worry. I feel myself out of touch; almost like I've lost my way but yet I haven't. I'm still sensitive to more than anyone will ever know, dramatic, maybe even a little disappointed by choosing to grow a little older.
I keep thinking that time will sort me out, but I think I worry because I already know the answer.
Last weekend, Randy & I drove up to Seattle. It was a quick visit. I wish it didn't have to be that way. I blame this shitty system of living we've developed, one where money and capitalism takes precedence over a person's life. Where are our priorities?
There's a spider above head. I happened to glance up on the darkness and can see the darker spot on the ceiling than is normal. Maybe I'll type faster now.
In my head I can't stop thinking about Grandma Jean, my mother, Marthalee, Randy, Nathan, D.R., Randy C, Chuck, Art, my brothers and sister. There are books I have not written, classes still waiting to be taken. There are children that I want to raise. There are roads not fully travelled and roads not even trod upon. I worry. I feel myself out of touch; almost like I've lost my way but yet I haven't. I'm still sensitive to more than anyone will ever know, dramatic, maybe even a little disappointed by choosing to grow a little older.
I keep thinking that time will sort me out, but I think I worry because I already know the answer.
