Today Tangled

In today's ugly sky I chanced to see a very white dove fly along side me while driving on the 5 FWY. It caught my eye because its color contrasted against the haze of smog.

Finances have me down, but plans for the future have me up. It's a familiar tug-o-war. Randy came over last week and we put down on paper all of my debt and income. This thing has always been a dreaded task for me. I know - in part - it's because I have to look at the reality of what I have done over years to try and ease pain and avoid looking at the very clear mirror that I like to keep fogged up. Ironically, it is in explaining to Eddy that he is a good person that I realize my own disbelief of the same statement. At least sometimes. Sometimes enough to be a problem. Then on the flipside, I can be seated in front of the high school panel this morning full of young minds that are open to whatever it is I have to say and I feel confident, secure and know that my goodness is without question.

I often see myself in quick thoughts as sharing myself in ways that is full of smiles and laughter and light. I find that I drift off into these thoughts when I'm sitting and doing something that is far from this light. Justin and I were talking yesterday over dinner about how people can be emotionally run over and used up so many times that they become the antithesis of this light I see. I definitely see this in myself, but I try to stay focused on the positive things I can affect change on.

As I read these words over.... a part of feels like it's all bullshit to keep me from action at the moment. A part of me feels like it's hard to put words down to try and get these thoughts out because I've not tried recently. There is a huge blockage of energy that I do not mention or deal with and that's with Nathan. In the past couple weeks there has been a silent majority of brain power that has kept sleep restless.

I want me to assert on me now.
Today.
Treat myself like I was speaking to any one of you....
And look at me almost 10 years ago... hmm.... http://earthjeremy.blogspot.com/1997/09/lifes-little-ironies.html

Humpday & Humpbacks

The Coast Guard is off and running. No matter how much sleep I get,
it seems that I can't keep myself awake without caffeine lately. I
had my second taste of West Beach for the year. My season with James
has passed. The time for a budget has begun to sink in.

I don't work tomorrow so that I can speak to high school students
about diversity. Divisive Diversity....sounds like a poem title I
haven't yet written.

Open Space Dream

Brief. I was running to catch a movie with Lorena and her family. I
had somehow been detained at her residence and it was not a good
thing. I have a sense of nefarious characters subtly taking up my
time to make me late. (For what purpose and to what end is not clear
in my mind.) As I was running, I had to go through some type of fast
food eater/diner and as I made it to the parking lot, my ex-Randy was
there and grabbed my arm as I ran by. While there was a flood of
emotion for seeing him for the first time in many years, there was
more of an urgency to get to the movie so I didn't stop to have a
conversation.

I woke up about 4:30am to go to the bathroom, back to sleep and no
more of the dream. I still can't wake up here at work. Mind is
drifting. Eyes get heavy. I stand up to make my blood circulate.
I'm glad I'll be going home to home this evening and not just making a
pit-stop off to work again.

I need to let my body recover before I take it for a spin again.

Eye Wells

I just got an e-mail from Lanny that made me smile and then I felt a
rush of time from 1998 to the present hit me like explosion of worlds
in the micro-second that my eyes read over the text.

He'll be 30 this year.

Cousin Convergence

One gets a birthday wish by text this morning and another a several
hour long phone call on Saturday. There are so many more out there
that I have had little or no contact with most of my life.

I've finished off dried (but deliciously surgery) mangos, an apple pie
Larabar and two cups of green tea. Yawn.

Size More Graphs Replacement

I just went into the kitchen at work to get water and as I was
pressing down on the lever at the water dispenser and watching the air
bubbles shoot up through the water bottle I wanted to put a big
sticker on the bottle that read: "Earthquake Detector."

No Ark Tonight

Here it is sixteen days into May and the 17th isn't too far away..... but then again, it's already here, isn't it? It's already tomorrow in parts of the world. Time is not what our 3-D minds conceive of it. As linear as we live our lives, this is truly not what it is. While there are a handful of people in the world that comprehend and discuss about such "timely living," there are more that have no idea what I'm talking about. So it could be eighty-five days into May for all this thought thread really matters. The point of mentioning the days in the first place was that this is the first entry of the month and a rather long time coming.

The short clips: I've been dating someone for six weeks today. Randy and I have been spending more time together. I saw Kellan in person. I still have not managed to hang out with Gina, Marlowe or Lena. Eddy has turned a quarter. I miss my sister. My room is a reflection of my insides while my work desk is a reflection of my projection. I shot blood! I've felt the need to start jogging again. No more Serzone, still have the Wellbutrin...but it's the Elavil that's kicking in right now as I'm getting too tired to type anymore.

I feel like I'm adjusting to the new chemical make-up again. I did it for some instinctual reason again and I'm not fully aware of why. I've been sticking with the co-administration of therapy with the little pills. I feel like each session steers back in a direction of asking the same question and still not finding a suitable answer. I can't say I do much work searching in between sessions. (Not consciously) I do know that I involve myself in many things in order not to get any closer to an answer about myself. I extend every emotion I can into the lives around me and let the energy of all types river raft through.

I've managed even to keep myself so busy that writing--a beloved outlet and art--seems almost a chore.