Walking down the small hillside path in the dark I think that I should be especially capable of experiencing true affection while the one I care about is speaking to a new client on the phone. Business is business and pleasure is pleasure. I think that because I compare the idea in my head on how I value life but think of the surgical way it would be easy to kill "evils" in this world. I think of how I have lived my life by compartmentalizing different emotions as I have needed to both feel or not feel them at any given time.
Then I think that as I have grown, experienced and hopefully learned from each relationship that I have also discovered more of who I am and what I want; that I have gained a better understanding of what I want and who I want those things from. (I want to believe this be it true or not. I think it is true.) This part of me also thinks that by submitting to the type of relationship, I'm allowing the old insecurities hold over me; that I am not worthy of someone who would want only me.
I know that nothing about me breaks down one way or the other. The only thing simple about me is truth that I try and live by each day: just be the change that I wish in the world. It is this simplicity that knows there is a beautiful and worthy soul in him and that my soul's sight clearly sees that. This does not erase or even ease the reality of my emotions as they come up. I don't know anything that would make them in the current situation.
So I feel as I'm supposed to... Nothing more, nothing less. It seems I am much more human than I would have liked to have thought.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Shifty Shifting \
I'm at the tail end of my graveyard shift and the sun has taken over the artificial light that I use during the evening here at the front desk. I'm drained in a way that is different than just sleep. My mind has been activated on different issues that have lingered on since Friday when I received a paycheck that there were insufficient funds available to cash. No joke. And as anyone who knows me knows: finances are the trigger for my biggest stress.
Sadly, finances can take all of the extremely good and positive things going on in my life down a notch or two. (Or Three)
Sadly, finances can take all of the extremely good and positive things going on in my life down a notch or two. (Or Three)
Saturday, July 26, 2008
My Knight's Calm
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Four Weeks in A Month
I had forgotten how my body shudders afterward. In some ways I'm relearning what it is to be me when there are no walls up. Even now...over an hour later... My body temperature is elevated; the night's damp air on the way to the bus station has been a pleasant balancing attempt.
We listen to "Girl From The Gutter" and it takes me back to nights out dancing with Randy and Nathan. For a moment I am sad as my heightened senses flash through the memories together. I have accepted that chapter of my life is over.
We must change busses. This night is an adventure beginning. I'm tired and don't want to work but the feeling of our hands clasped and fingers intertwined is a moment I can stay caught up in until our next space in time together.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Bus #4 On Express 2am
I have a red line on my left arm from where Buster's dog leash tightened and scraped yesterday in the Domino/Baskin Robbin parking lot.
Work is not getting any more sane or organized. If anything the evils of this life are finding ways to root even deeper. As I type that the bus driver let's someone on to ride for free. It makes me smile and reminds me of the other kind hearts that still exist. It makes me think of the love that is always present.
Ky is up in SF. Eddie is down in SD. Nick, Joe, Mark et al are in the registered home of LB. I'm passing by the Hollywood Cemetery.
Being away from home for such regular intervals I feel like I forget to give myself the little pamperings that are part of the routine after a shower. I've completely forgotten about shows on DVR and cable completely. I've learned to live within the the same three shirts and two trunks.
Santa Monica has met up with Sunset. The Tylenol from earlier is wearing off and my sore throat becomes more pronounced. I'm such a fool for love. I suppose I wouldn't have it any other way if I could.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
Work is not getting any more sane or organized. If anything the evils of this life are finding ways to root even deeper. As I type that the bus driver let's someone on to ride for free. It makes me smile and reminds me of the other kind hearts that still exist. It makes me think of the love that is always present.
Ky is up in SF. Eddie is down in SD. Nick, Joe, Mark et al are in the registered home of LB. I'm passing by the Hollywood Cemetery.
Being away from home for such regular intervals I feel like I forget to give myself the little pamperings that are part of the routine after a shower. I've completely forgotten about shows on DVR and cable completely. I've learned to live within the the same three shirts and two trunks.
Santa Monica has met up with Sunset. The Tylenol from earlier is wearing off and my sore throat becomes more pronounced. I'm such a fool for love. I suppose I wouldn't have it any other way if I could.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
Thursday, July 17, 2008
The Writing On The Wall
"Nothing so loud as hearing when we lie."
-Toad The Wet Sprocket: All I Want
It's why I don't do it. No matter what I could pass off to someone else there is always an inner voice that I have to listen to. That voice can be annoying sometimes because there can be many truths to a singular situation. When your face is arm's distance to the wall all you can see is the graffiti and not the mural.
-Toad The Wet Sprocket: All I Want
It's why I don't do it. No matter what I could pass off to someone else there is always an inner voice that I have to listen to. That voice can be annoying sometimes because there can be many truths to a singular situation. When your face is arm's distance to the wall all you can see is the graffiti and not the mural.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
The Incubation of Indulging
Push play and then begin reading... this may be a long entry and I figure you can listen to what I was listening to when I wrote it all...
Ok... here we go...
I have a family reunion of sorts coming up on July 26/27. It will also be Philip's 28th birthday that Sunday. I received the email today that mother has scheduled a sitting for photographs to be taken that weekend. The joy on my face right now... Back in the days of childhood when film had to be developed I may not have liked going to a photographer to put a fake smile on my face but at least I understood that--lacking the photography training & equipment--it was a necessary evil to be completed. However, in this awesome non-Aztec calendar year of 2008 pretty much everyone in the family has a digital camera quite capable of capturing our contrived smiles and instantly showing us whether we need to pose again for another take due to blinkage, random anamolies and the potential Disney ghost who stowed away in our image to leave the haunted house.
*shaking head*
A month ago I posted that I was starting a new job on June 18th. So much has happened in this first month and I've recited various specifics to different friends that trying to bullet point them right now feels like a chore. The important thing to note is that I am still enjoying myself. Below is the view from my front desk area...
My first week working on the property, one of my co-workers, Joseph, introduced me to a friend of his named Kyle. Both of them have been pleasant surprises resulting from taking this job. Various slychology babble espouses that it takes 21 days to form or break a habit. It would be no coincidence then that the amount of time Kyle and I have spent together over the last 21 days has put him in the forefront of my thoughts.
We seem to have met during a time of transition for both of us. For me, it's easy to want to romanticize outcomes. It always has been. When I know nothing about a person I will generally assume the best of intentions until actions prove to the contrary. However, even with this natural quixotic blueprint that I work from, I do have the ancient "Dead Relationship Scrolls" that clearly have lessons I have been taught recorded in blood, tears and sometimes even the screams of growing pains. Accordingly, I am trying to focus on the present so that I can learn and enjoy every moment.
I finished reading Kyle's online blog today. I started from the beginning and read every entry forward to the present. There have been times when we've been resting next to each other and I will look into his eyes and alternately see the forthright, confident social personality that is often readily observable by most but I also see the boy who writes semi-nostalgic entries about North Carolina and wonders if he will find someone who will not only someday be a Valentine, but a character of acceptance and support rather than judgment for the industries he works in. While I can completely understand this intellectually, I know it is a rare person (who is not a sociopath) who can embrace this emotionally. As is usually the case with any issue, being able to see both sides doesn't make me any wiser or knowledgeable; ultimately I just think more and more.
And so he is in my thoughts quite constantly.
Eddie and his gang from Las Vegas will be arriving tomorrow. Mark will be driving Nick up from Long Beach and meeting me at work until I'm off. The plan then is to meet up with Eddie's crew at The Abbey for Frenchy's bday drinks and just a general celebration of friendship. That is something that can never be praised too much in my mind. People's importance and value should be acknowledged. (But I wouldn't mind either if everyone could just start reading my mind so I wouldn't have to remind myself to speak up... haha)
The Thursday is here.... no more writing....
Ok... here we go...
I have a family reunion of sorts coming up on July 26/27. It will also be Philip's 28th birthday that Sunday. I received the email today that mother has scheduled a sitting for photographs to be taken that weekend. The joy on my face right now... Back in the days of childhood when film had to be developed I may not have liked going to a photographer to put a fake smile on my face but at least I understood that--lacking the photography training & equipment--it was a necessary evil to be completed. However, in this awesome non-Aztec calendar year of 2008 pretty much everyone in the family has a digital camera quite capable of capturing our contrived smiles and instantly showing us whether we need to pose again for another take due to blinkage, random anamolies and the potential Disney ghost who stowed away in our image to leave the haunted house.
*shaking head*
A month ago I posted that I was starting a new job on June 18th. So much has happened in this first month and I've recited various specifics to different friends that trying to bullet point them right now feels like a chore. The important thing to note is that I am still enjoying myself. Below is the view from my front desk area...
My first week working on the property, one of my co-workers, Joseph, introduced me to a friend of his named Kyle. Both of them have been pleasant surprises resulting from taking this job. Various slychology babble espouses that it takes 21 days to form or break a habit. It would be no coincidence then that the amount of time Kyle and I have spent together over the last 21 days has put him in the forefront of my thoughts.
We seem to have met during a time of transition for both of us. For me, it's easy to want to romanticize outcomes. It always has been. When I know nothing about a person I will generally assume the best of intentions until actions prove to the contrary. However, even with this natural quixotic blueprint that I work from, I do have the ancient "Dead Relationship Scrolls" that clearly have lessons I have been taught recorded in blood, tears and sometimes even the screams of growing pains. Accordingly, I am trying to focus on the present so that I can learn and enjoy every moment.
I finished reading Kyle's online blog today. I started from the beginning and read every entry forward to the present. There have been times when we've been resting next to each other and I will look into his eyes and alternately see the forthright, confident social personality that is often readily observable by most but I also see the boy who writes semi-nostalgic entries about North Carolina and wonders if he will find someone who will not only someday be a Valentine, but a character of acceptance and support rather than judgment for the industries he works in. While I can completely understand this intellectually, I know it is a rare person (who is not a sociopath) who can embrace this emotionally. As is usually the case with any issue, being able to see both sides doesn't make me any wiser or knowledgeable; ultimately I just think more and more.
And so he is in my thoughts quite constantly.
Eddie and his gang from Las Vegas will be arriving tomorrow. Mark will be driving Nick up from Long Beach and meeting me at work until I'm off. The plan then is to meet up with Eddie's crew at The Abbey for Frenchy's bday drinks and just a general celebration of friendship. That is something that can never be praised too much in my mind. People's importance and value should be acknowledged. (But I wouldn't mind either if everyone could just start reading my mind so I wouldn't have to remind myself to speak up... haha)
The Thursday is here.... no more writing....
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Bussing My Business
With my back to the South, I bounce in this seat getting a glimpse of the Hollywood Hills when the buildings clear to reveal a cross street. The Observatory peeks at me just before Normandie and I think about how I haven't been there since the renovation. I'd like to take him there sometime to be above the city and together in another shared experience.
More and more I'm feeling like a stranger in my own home space. I'm not sad about that, I'm not particularly any emotion.
Work. Soon. Again.
Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
Sent via the "BOYSinBERRY" from T-Mobile
Monday, July 07, 2008
You've Reached This Link...
...It's an odd, passing thought that my posted thoughts here could be viewed in a wider sense of the "www" than just a few days ago when only my friends and family really knew about it. True, it is not private or password protected, but it is also not written for a specific audience, nor do I try and write with a particular style, purpose or slant which is often the case with someone's blog. Accordingly, I've always thought of this as my journal and not a blog. I suppose I should have started--or transferred--these writings to livejournal.com instead, but blogger had more of the functionality I was looking for when I switched from diaryland.com back in 2000.
Anyway...if you don't know me and are reading this--AND really want to know me--you'll just have to start from the beginning and work your way forward. If you're here for some leisurely fluff then I encourage you to use the CONDUIT links on the side to look at pictures or watch YouTube.
If you do know me--or think you do--then... There's nothing for me to say at all. ;-)
Anyway...if you don't know me and are reading this--AND really want to know me--you'll just have to start from the beginning and work your way forward. If you're here for some leisurely fluff then I encourage you to use the CONDUIT links on the side to look at pictures or watch YouTube.
If you do know me--or think you do--then... There's nothing for me to say at all. ;-)
