Cow Comedy Humpday (without the humpty)

Reduced sodium beef jerky with no "added" MSG.  THE SMALL PRINT:  "Except in hydrolyzed corn protein which contains naturally occuring MSG." Well shit, at least the sodium part is a good thing.

Avicii - "Levels" 
Sometimes I too get a good feeling.  Tonight though, I had to induce it by turn my "5 Star" music list on deafly loud volume and dance/run in place for 15min in the Winter cold garage so that I'm now sweating through every piece of clothing I'm wearing.  But damn do I feel 1000x better than when I walked in here to see my birthday bag chewed through by a pitbull puppy.  The music has remained loud so that I don't have to hear his constant puppy whine as he is locked on the side of the house behind bars.  All I hear is sweet sweaty music. :-)

SAP...  nope...not Spanish simulcast.  I wish.  Unfortunately that will be my next academic hurdle.

I never feel as alive is when I'm kicking, flailing to survive.  What is wrong with me?  It's just as bad as when I watch couples who can only know they love each other when they're fighting.  Without the friction of conflict, how do brains know they are existing in the correct dimension?

Think about that one for a while.  I'm sure I'll be back in less than a decade.

Bounty, The Quicker Picker Upper, but sometimes just messy

(brainstorm)
What is at the core of all that ails us in this world? What is so hard about simply being kind and treating each other with dignity and respect?  Agree that I do not have to be more right than you, nor you me, and where we have differences we agree to disagree?  I read an article about how a 78 year old Argentine Catholic Pope can be open to bringing gays and divorcees back into the fold and in the next article a 12 year old middle school cheerleader boy kills himself because words like faggot and homo can still cut deeper than any knife.

Because...one belief goes like this:  I don't like what you do or how you do it or how you say it so instead of ignoring or tolerating you, the solution is I harm you, hurt you, kill you so that you no not to I don't have to be be subjected; don't have to be peaceful; don't have to be what you would like.  Catch-22.  One view of utopia is for all to be willing to come to the table and know that they will compromise something; must give and take for all to exist...that in its very design creates the over-arching pressure of being forced to change, not to be as one might otherwise naturally wish to be--or a central belief that one is being asked not to practice or have.  Lose-Lose...

And this isn't just on a global scale--country to country.  I'm an American in an America where one half of the populous can't come to consensus with the other half about any major political issue and so we muddle through making each other miserable while patting ourselves on the back about how wonderful we are and how fortune to have the freedom to disagree to such a degree that we have devolved... 

And then there is the brightness of beauty, intentions so pure of purpose; selfless acts that make me believe that we can all coexist.  When this happens on a large scale with thousands or millions involved it is fleeting.  I have never seen it sustained, whether that's from the outpouring of aid right after a natural disaster or a candlelight vigil for a boy of 12 whose light was to cheer and bring joy to others.  I don't want to see children die by their own hand because of twisted words that break their soul, nor do I want to see them die by the dismissive wave of a gun, in the withholding of medicine to disease because greed grants bonuses and giveaways have an allowable/acceptable amount where we call it corporate charity.  It also has a bottom line where profit margins mar moral mapping.  Sometimes.   Remember there are no absolutes...really.  The Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation is ending polio around the world and that is amazing.  There are those in the billionaire world who understand that they will never want for anything and while not their responsibility to carry the masses of others, that they must do more than sit back and count the exponential growth of their assets.

I became so disillusioned and drowned many years ago.  Some would argue that I was never really resuscitated and I'm still drowning while I have never felt more capable of treading water in the ocean than ever before.  I know when to rest.  I know when to kick like everything depends on it; and I've simply chosen to use that much energy ultimately in hope; helping people; healing in process.  (Being hurt by those that I would allow to be close enough to cause wounds.  I have learned how to take a punch more than just physically.)

So maybe this spurt of words will continue... Maybe  

Round & Round & Round we're compelled

What's orbiting EarthJeremy...

...realization of the limits for certain persons and personalities to know what's orbiting--let alone what is at the core of--me.
...thinking of definitions of courage; how they are displayed in everyday life.  How I display them in my own life.  (How I don't)
...persistent sore right side of the back of my neck and right shoulder trapezes area.
...school begins in a week
...I'd like to schedule time with Tricia for our downtown excursion before school, but I think after things get under way will be better.  I know she's spending so much time with her grandmother now and those are precious moments.
...Izabella had her 5th birthday party yesterday, complete with a "Frozen" themed jumper/bounce house slash pool.  Bouncing in the jumper, sliding down into the pool with the kids and making them laugh while their parents and other adults sat in the shade, brought me great joy.  I've always been this way and always will be.  (Mental Note: perhaps a jumper for my 40th birthday later this year ;)
...concepts of family and how they have evolved for me in the past twenty years
...an actual "nice" conversation (via Facebook messenger/chat) with Chuck a night or two ago.  We did not sarcastically try and chide one another and I allowed myself to share honestly without fear that he might joke or hurt me.
.........and this brings me full circle to the first orbital above.

Jeremy Prestegard's 2014 Saddle Up ride for The Life Group LA

Thank you VERY MUCH to those of you who have already made a donation and sponsored my ride.  We're getting close to the home stretch, just 12 days until the 2014 Saddle Up ride! (Yes, you'll get to see me on a horse.  That alone is worth the donation!)

The Life Group LA is a coalition of people dedicated to the education, empowerment & emotional support of persons both infected & AFFECTED by HIV/AIDS so that they may make informed choices regarding their healthcare & personal well being. You can learn more about them here: www.thelifegroupla.org

But please consider sponsoring me with a donation here:
http://rpx.me/1/iSSt

Passion for People,
j.r.me

A Universe of Connections and I can't...

I woke up from a nap a few minutes ago.  The music playlist on my computer was still playing from when I fell asleep listening to it.  A song came on and without warning, like the instant chemical reaction of two elements touching, I was curled in the fetal position and I can't stop crying.  The song lyrics...

"And why can't you just hold me?
And how come it's so hard?
And do you like to see me broken?
And why do I still care?

But if I wanted silence, I would whisper
If I wanted loneliness, I'd choose to go
If I liked rejection, I'd audition
And if I didn't love you, you would know..."

...and I want to blare the song to her...I want to email the words to her...I want grandma's arms around me that just made everything okay...  But all these things are impossible because she wouldn't understand the words that are so easy to read & understand for me and the pain is one of the most raw things I have ever known.

Keeping this anger from being unleashed at her is the only way I know left to love her.

A Bench and a Breeze

In Hollywood, with all the traffic noise, homeless walk of fame beggars, picture snapping tourists and label lifestyle locals, is where I often find my moments of mindfulness.  As if all these competing things are simply connected orchestrations to cradle my own creativity.  Wooshing wind. 

This shade, cool and collected, is definitely my color.

Effortless Energy

All through the years, I have been genuinely perplexed EACH time a person has expressed that I "get them." It has always been expressed as a unique or rare understanding of them. For me, it is simple sensory observation. I have never known any different way of learning/reading someone.

Tonight, I'm having one of my Dumb Genius moments. Jeremy, why wouldn't people react this way? I only have to look at any of the relationships throughout the entirety of my life and can count on a hand the number of times I have felt someone truly understood me.  I'm beginning to realize tonight ...
... Weird.... (I've paused several seconds) ...I'm having a very deja vu moment--as if what I'm trying to write tonight has processed in my mind before...

Hmmmm

Listening to Lakes in Lots

Sometimes the best surprises are born when I force myself to be in a situation that I am not sure about.  These are times when instinct doesn't immediately give me a green or a red light.  I could use the metaphor of being "on the fence" to illustrate these times, but that's not always the case.  Sometimes, I believe I may just not know--the uneasiness of the unknown.  True, not all of these situations bare positive surprises, but today was one of the initially mentioned times. 

Lunch in West Hollywood with people a group of people who are not close friends; who actually started out as customers from a former place of business some six years ago.  I had my first "Manhattan" drink at The Abbey with Steve & Reed, Brian and Brian's friend, Jeff.  The company of older gay men as I age is an evolving experience.  It involves the wisdom that comes with time in selecting friends, overcoming my own ignorance and prejudice and also listening to the instincts that may not give explanation as to why or why not.

Seeing the tortured soul--and not my own--brings forth a frustrating emotion the more I understand an individual.  I find it building walls or selecting primal survival choices to live in this cultural where "it's not my problem" is a mantra made too easy to milk these days.  (Any time frame, perhaps.)  I wonder if this feeling that arises in me is anything similar to what others see when they look at me.

The Passing of Peep

The rain starts to pound so hard as I break down... I haven't cried like this since the many months after
Randy died. My fingers shake so much that it's easier to just collapse into my blanket and get to the point of hyperventilating while I play Esthero's "GO" on never-ending repeat.  As much as I believe in celebrating someone's life, and want that for others when I'm gone, I don't think you can be a healthy human without first grieving the loss.  Everyone's grief grows or becomes grounded within the brambles of memories made with a lost loved one.

Tyler was this bright, beaming bundle of an 18 year old boy when I met him on Randy's Costa Mesa condo doorstep.  This was an era of a thing called AOL.  His presence would be brief, but poignant and marked with a meaning that will remain with me until I see "them all" again.


Keep your head in the clouds, Peep.  That's why you're beautiful.




LYRICS:
I’ve always been on the run
And I thought I could chase the sun
Without breaking his heart.
The truth is when all is said and done,
It was over before we even started, yeah.

I told you I’m not afraid
And you said, “I wish I could feel the same,
But I won’t have a friend.
The truth is you ought to leave this town, girl,
Don’t ever look back and keep your head in the clouds,
That’s why you’re beautiful."

Go, see how far you can reach.
And baby, don’t look back until you get exactly what you need.
‘cause there’s no shortage of your possibilities.
So, baby, don’t come back until you get exactly what you need.
You won’t find it in me

I’m finally here and I’m living a dream (I'm living my dream)
And I’m playing the part of a star on the screen.
(In this movie that I always knew I would be in)
It’s crazy we see things for what they’ve been,
I keep asking myself “is this really happening to me?”

He told me
Go, see how far you can reach.
And baby, don’t look back until you get exactly what you need.
‘cause there’s no shortage of possibilities.
So, baby, don’t come back until you get exactly what you need.
You won’t find it in me, no matter what you believe.

My mother is full of grace,
And my daddy still lives at the same old place
At the side of the hill, at the corner of town,
The days are still long and the roads are still dusty
It’s been a full year, but I come home when I can.

But now I need to
Go, see how far I can reach.
And I’m not coming back until I get exactly what I need.
‘cause there are no shortage of possibilities.
And God, right now I’m asking, won’t you give me something to believe,
I need to,
But now I need to
Go, see how far I can reach.
I’m not looking back until I get exactly what I need.
‘cause there is no shortage of possibilities.
Baby, don’t come back until you get exactly what you need.
You will find all you need, but you’ve got to believe.

I’ve always been on the road,
And I, I thought I could chase the sun.

Making the Most of Matters Matters (Yes)

I'm in a George Michael music mood tonight.  Dallas, TX.  I've been here four days now; three more before heading back home.  That moment in time when exs decide to see each other for the first time since ending their relationship and allowing a "sufficient amount" of time as a space cushion to move is an occurrence that I'm realizing right at this second that is pretty rare in my life since I have so few serious relationships.  Last Wednesday was the first time since 2003 that I've had this "moment."  However, today, was really the first time that the two of us were alone and could have an open and candid conversation.  I don't think it would make a difference how many times in my life this moment were to materialize, but I do think that as I get older, the way in which the time is approached and "lived" becomes much more...


The questions have begun from past Summer co-workers if I will be returning for yet another EF Long Beach experience this year.  I sent an email to the Site Manager to see if they need staff still.  Joel (KINder) mentioned that since he's known me that when I'm working there in the Summer it seems to be when he's seen me happiest.  No doubt, there is a sincere joy that comes out of the time with the kids; sharing the world I grew up in with cultures from around the world and making genuine connections with a few people along the way.  This year, I may have to forgo the opportunity if it arises to alleviate my more immediate circumstances.


Philip proposed to Lindsay today. "Duh" was the answer.  Loved watching the video.  Sarah and I had one of our multi-hour long phone conversations today.  Love listens.  Hugs heal. Our progress to peace may be pot-holed along the way; bumpy roads move brothers & sisters to silly streams of laughter.  (Passing the time over the long haul while crossing the places that are necessary to become better)


SMH... hahaha...  dynamics of Dallas.

Never Wasted Words

Just finished watching The Adjustment Bureau. The movie, Collateral, is beginning...

Vulnerability. Intimacy. Wisdom. Communication.