Outside the STD RV (Motorhome)

Ready To Rumble

It's "earthquake weather" is what my mom would call today. Planes are landing and taking off differently than they normally do which means the wind isn't coming in from the ocean like normal. It's that dreadful smog color out. Droplets of water fell on my dirty car while the musty heat dried them almost instantly.

My finger nails and hair are overgrown. I feel unkempt. I feel run down.

Peaks On Boo

Therapy arrives over many avenues and from different distances. Last night and early this morning it was sitting on a couch with Michael Bouma with laptops on our laps. (What an appropriate places for a lap-top) We listened to Nathan snoring his drive from Las Vegas away into delta waves.

While talking to Michael, I got a text message from Tyler and a phone call from Eddy. Neither one were sober. One was stranded in West Hollywood, the other one stranded me. I told Michael that I hate being wise sometimes because I know the reasons for some actions that I do not want to accept. I sometimes hope for change when I already know that it will not happen. But what are we without hope?

The answer: hopeless. (And that's just not pretty)

randycardwell.blogspot.com

wryjrgjeo;iafwedfwefa;lwejkfj FUCK!

It hurts and I'm numb at the same time. There's no answer. There is no solution. There is hope and faith and love and destiny. There are the lines on my hands that trace over stories and lessons. My E.T. fingers. There is music and madness. There is friendship. There is family.

It hurts so much that I am numb; raw like only a few times before....

And the Summer Solstice passes.
And the wind blows.
And the ocean spills over sand.
And one life trades for another.

Needs

Hey Sugar

I'm in what Rey has called the "bi-centennial room" replica from Girls Will Be Girls. (Guest room at Mike & Joe's in Murrieta) I've sent out the update to people about Randy. It's some minutes after midnight and I should sleep to regain strength for tomorrow, but maybe I'll just fall asleep while writing this.

I've been weeping off and on all day.

We all want to believe that he can hear us and feel our presence. Our jokes and stories break-up the tears. He would want us to be laughing... and so we try.

I want to hear him say, "Hey asshole, can you see my pussy now?"

I'm helpless to loving him

In this moment I feel completely alone.
I want to shut down.
I know that I cannot.
I feel so much love. For me. For him. From people.
SO MUCH LOVE.
In writing this, I hope to make everything better.
In seeing these words appear
I feel this anger fade away
I want to drink so that I can cry again
I want to laugh so I can cry again
I want to run so I can collapse
I want time
I want time

Because all this shit in the world doesn't matter
Only people do.

Stooooop

Not Just Ice

Even the birds chirping right now isn't as annoying as being awake before 6am to face the scales of Justice. (It's more than a server's name at Hamburger Mary's.)

MUSE - Falling Away With You

There is this little piece of loneliness that I'm sensing from many friends at once. It reverberates with my own. Someone spending time together helps soothe that pain. We are limited in our ability to alleviate. It's not from a lack of effort or willingness to give of ourselves. Friends can fortify so much, but while they can be the skeletal structure, they are not the body; while they bring warmth and comfort, they are not the fire.

I think about some of the intimate details of my life that I've "thought out loud" in these pages. I've been online more often in the past week. I recognize how my own sense of loneliness is looking for a connection with someone. I see how in being denied in one sense, I decide to search elsewhere. And while looking, it's reassuring to know that I really don't intend on taking any physical action that would disrupt my uncanny mental stability of the past couple months.

In saying that, I feel the strength of my assertive and independent side reaffirming its membership in the Jeremy Club. Single side simplicity.

Memories melt simplicity.

Lemon Lime

So the weekend turned out to be very nice. There was an impromptu trip to San Diego. The sun came out and radiated my skin again. Even though I didn't get to spend time with people that tentative plans were discussed with, I think the way that my feet sifted through the sands of time felt just about right.

Doesn't mean that I wouldn't have liked more. Doesn't mean that I couldn't have worked harder. It means that I found contentment and happiness in what I had around me.

Less Light

Is it ironic that I can remember how many times I've blacked out? Or just funny?

It's About This...

It's a moment captured as the sun set, but it's everything. To me.

  

Setting Free The Sins

"If I had another chance tonight,
I'd try to tell you that the things we had were right."

-Roger Sanchez "Another Chance"

I'm sitting on my bed and random thoughts are happening. I looked down to my right arm where the reverse side of the elbow is and thought about companionship. I thought of my grandmother and her friend, Don. I thought of my mother and her boyfriend, Jim. I think about how people who have loved deeply and been hurt may not want to journey so far as to open themselves up to that again, but they still crave the basic touch and closeness of someone next to them. Me too.

It's been a long three years.

Chapters of Temptresses

My candle burns at both ends;
It will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends--
It gives a lovely light!

-"First Fig" (1920) Edna St. Vincent Millay


I've always liked that verse. I remember it from being a teenager. But I never really lived it. I never allowed myself. Even in my wildest moments, I think I've had some type of reserve. I'm sure this is not seen the same way from others looking outwardly in.

When I look around at the "kids" today I certainly feel that "outward looking in" feeling about their lives and then I remember the moments where I've had the most fun.

Two Steps Towards...

I went to the library after work and got three books. One I've always meant to read since I saw it in high school as a book to read and do an essay about for a scholarship. The other two books are collected works of poetry by two different poets.

My internet chat program keeps a log of any conversation that I have. I started reading the one between Tyler and I. It goes back more than a year and it's bringing tears to my eyes so I've stopped reading it because there are so many words exchanged that my conscious mind does not remember. As I start reading I get pulled back into the moment and it all makes sense again. Depending on when the conversations were I either on or off meds. I can feel now what would not surface then. I wonder if this would happen if I were to read conversations with different people.

Mom is in town and I'm meeting with her between jobs tomorrow. It will be nice to see her; to get a hug.

I believe a trip to SF is brewing for Pride weekend. It has been a year.

What does the weekend have in store?

A Parent's Prison

I'm In The Ocean

A definitely sense of floating through life right now. I can't touch bottom, but I'm not panicked. I see the waves coming, but I know how to dive under them. I feel the power of their pull. I see the people along the shore--so many of them. The water isn't cold, it's comforting. I'm being pushed side to side and I know that I'm not in control, but the fact that I'm floating feels like I am; feels like I know exactly what I'm doing. I chose to be here and here I am. I can get out anytime. The yellow flag up on the lifeguard stand isn't red yet.

Someday soon is coming. I don't know how to state that any clearer.
Senses are stirring.

Kick-off Working

I ate oatmeal for breakfast this morning. Let's see if this breakfast thing will actually keep me awake until lunch or if boredom really is the culprit. (In which case I should start investing in Monster drinks.)

I got my schedule for DreamDinners last night and originally had Friday night off, but a co-worker needed the night off so I agreed to work it. I really work with a bunch of talented people there. My manager is part of the Flaming Lotus Girls. Our dish washer has music oozing out of him. Another co-worker is a student, swimmer, rock climber, writer and I'm sure much much more. It's nice to be envigorated by the energy of people who are very much "alive."

Strange. Mom just called and she's on her way down to California. I'll have to get the 411 on that on a break.

Upside Down Beach

  

BREEZING through my mind

My brother is now married. (Again) Good for him, out of any of the kids I think he has the best chances of making it work, but what do I know about it? Strange that even failure in a personal arena makes one an expert on others. I think it has to do with not being involved, removed, perhaps even more objective.

I had sushi last night with Justin, Charles & Art. I think I can still count on two hands the number of times I've been to sushi restaurants in my life. It's not that I don't like it, it's just I don't think of eating it when I'm hungry.

I was able to share some of my thoughts with Tyler last night that have been present since seeing him after the Center Dinner last month. I find my honesty--that has been present but filtered for many years--finding a backbone again.

Time to get ready for the beach.