Washing my face each night before I go to bed is one of those hygenic "hassles" that reminds me how vain I can be. Ahh....the secrets of clear, healthy skin; not so secret really.
I see another months is tilting its hat at the passing of its prime. I can't say that August is a month that I much care for. There was always that feeling of dred that the Summer had ended and that school was just around the corner.
There's a glimmer in the waters of the Gulf and a silence here on the beaches of the Pacific. It aches in a way that I know keeps me alive and kicking. I remember buffed fingernails--have I really ever been that strong? I suppose I can dream about that tonight, awakening to an unconscious realization.
Thursday, August 30, 2001
Wednesday, August 29, 2001
avalanche
I started reading. "The Front Runner" by Patricia Nell Warren. I'm up to chapter four and already I'm engrossed, which is saying a lot considering that I can probably count the number of books I've read on both hands for the last 10 years. The story opens literally five days after my birth in 1974. I'm finding passages that would be good to read to classes while speaking on behalf of PFLAG. Passages that convey very simply and honestly what it is to be gay without preaching about it.
I'm still poor. It's not about the money. haha
Mark & I walked arount Belmont Shores today. I could have joined the FRONTLINE for GreenPeace, but it probably wouldn't have been for the right reasons. I'm broke, I need my money more than GreenPeace does. They just want my grean pieces.
I'm supposed to be doing some overtime right now. Aye (shaking head).
I'm still poor. It's not about the money. haha
Mark & I walked arount Belmont Shores today. I could have joined the FRONTLINE for GreenPeace, but it probably wouldn't have been for the right reasons. I'm broke, I need my money more than GreenPeace does. They just want my grean pieces.
I'm supposed to be doing some overtime right now. Aye (shaking head).
Thursday, August 23, 2001
Desire
Write everyday. That was a command to myself. Good luck, Jer-.
Today was my day off, but I went into work for a class called "Managing Multiple Projects." I took it more for the "look good" factor more than I did to really learn anything new about myself. I guessed before taking the class that my biggest obstacle for completing tasks would be my own procrastination. So what did the 3-page self-assessment say? That I procrastinate a lot. I guess it's really cool knowing myself.
So the class, combined with going back to school, sparked this desire in me to get things completed. I rearranged our bedroom and cleaned out the closet. The whole apartment, save Nathan's room, is vacuumed. I think I burnt out the cleaning desire, but there are other things that I want to complete, like reading a book. I seriously need to sit down and go through my values and instead of just knowing and feeling them, actually put them down on paper or on here so they're a bit more tangible. Ahh....but wait....
The whole time I was sitting in the class and starting to feel the rejuvenation of all this wonderful organization and order, I remembered how in the past this structure deadened the creative chaos that I have managed to keep alive. Conflicts...conflicts. I need to plan time to plan time...haha. I need time. Got any? Got Time?
Today was my day off, but I went into work for a class called "Managing Multiple Projects." I took it more for the "look good" factor more than I did to really learn anything new about myself. I guessed before taking the class that my biggest obstacle for completing tasks would be my own procrastination. So what did the 3-page self-assessment say? That I procrastinate a lot. I guess it's really cool knowing myself.
So the class, combined with going back to school, sparked this desire in me to get things completed. I rearranged our bedroom and cleaned out the closet. The whole apartment, save Nathan's room, is vacuumed. I think I burnt out the cleaning desire, but there are other things that I want to complete, like reading a book. I seriously need to sit down and go through my values and instead of just knowing and feeling them, actually put them down on paper or on here so they're a bit more tangible. Ahh....but wait....
The whole time I was sitting in the class and starting to feel the rejuvenation of all this wonderful organization and order, I remembered how in the past this structure deadened the creative chaos that I have managed to keep alive. Conflicts...conflicts. I need to plan time to plan time...haha. I need time. Got any? Got Time?
Tuesday, August 21, 2001
purple, yellow, blue
I have the next two days off of work. Well, THursday I'm suppposed to show up for 4 hours to take a class; overtime. Yippee. While physically I become stronger, more healthy, (better?), I am still not relaxed. I am not at ease. It's the living of life, the strife & failures, the joy and accomplishments that we say makes it all worth living. Somewhere...over some rainbow, skies ARE blue. Oh find that place in the world where fingers fit gloves. I feel like I'm going through life knowing that I want briefs but opening up drawers full of boxers. Things are all loose, not secure.
Last night was the first night of school for Randy & I. I think it's going to be a fun and easy semester taking Human Sexuality. I hope the class thins out a bit. The best quote from our professor last night was, "Please don't ask me for a stapler and please don't lie to me." This was said with a tone that was very clear that both things were on equal par with one another. =) I learned some interesting new words last night. I think my favorite word or choice for right now is "Pink Taco."
In the past few weeks I've got to spend some time with D.R. Looking back to my days meeting and getting to know him I never would have thought that he would still be in my life now. He dates back to the time of my last Randy and the nine months of that relationship. When I watch the struggles in his life, share the weights of my mind, I am reminded about what it is that makes this world tolerable.
j.r.me
Last night was the first night of school for Randy & I. I think it's going to be a fun and easy semester taking Human Sexuality. I hope the class thins out a bit. The best quote from our professor last night was, "Please don't ask me for a stapler and please don't lie to me." This was said with a tone that was very clear that both things were on equal par with one another. =) I learned some interesting new words last night. I think my favorite word or choice for right now is "Pink Taco."
In the past few weeks I've got to spend some time with D.R. Looking back to my days meeting and getting to know him I never would have thought that he would still be in my life now. He dates back to the time of my last Randy and the nine months of that relationship. When I watch the struggles in his life, share the weights of my mind, I am reminded about what it is that makes this world tolerable.
j.r.me
Monday, August 13, 2001
dissolve
Remember that time when I was clinging to the memory of my high school days & friends? I couldn't think of my life without them. Here I am. The last few times that I have had actual physical contact with them it has been like two people who remember a person but don't "know" the people anymore. Something similar seeps in now. Being a couple, I find that I gravitate toward wanting to do "couple" things. Maybe I need a new magazine subscription.
I also need a better savings plan. I'm not doing well on that front. Meanwhile....there's a pizza in the oven that I need to take out and eat.
Ahhh...j.r.me
I also need a better savings plan. I'm not doing well on that front. Meanwhile....there's a pizza in the oven that I need to take out and eat.
Ahhh...j.r.me
Friday, August 10, 2001
generations
Fever. Not just in the morning or at night. Oh baby won't you treat me right. I just popped my over-the-counter concoction of two asprin and an Advil to help with the Allegra I took earlier in the day. My head still feels like a crockpot without a pressure valve. I feel hot from the inside out, but my skin is relatively cool.
Last night dancing I spent a lot of time on the sideline watching/being watched and thinking about where I am. Joey Goodgome was at RAGE and that's a name that takes me back to first coming out and dancing out OZZ. There was this time at OZZ when he was having his 21st b-day and I must've been 18 or 19. He was completely drunk and I had thought he was so cute on the dancefloor for so long and started talking with him. Back then, my naive & dream-filled mind thought it was this momentous event when he kissed me. Last night, flashing that memory next to the person he's become--not much different--made me realize how different I am.
I'm 8 months into my relationship and this is the time when I have previously found or looked for reasons to be single again. In actualality what I've done in the past is use existing reasons as excuses to exit the relationships. I remember with Lanny there was the reasoning of me not knowing whether I wanted to remain in a relationship--a way of deferring blame to myself rather than some action or behavior of his. While that reason was valid, it was immature in its development. I realized while @ RAGE that I will always have people looking at me and I will always be recognizing attraction. It's the action taken or not that is important, not the impulse that is an autonomic reflex. I'm still growing. That naive kid still plays with the infinite possibilities outside of the innocent box that it grew in. I like that. I'd be afraid if my imagination someday shorted and my life became WYSIWYG.
Some other thoughts...... Yeah, typos are a piece of life so get used to them. I think some people might have a misconception of what this journal does for me. It is not a way that I can indirectly communicate with others in my life. These words are written with the basic idea that they are for MYSELF. This is my space. These are my engrams pieced out as well as I can translate myself to myself in the hope that I will learn something in the long run and have a history of how I shaped who I am. YES, there are personal matters of my life as well as other people's lives, but the intention is not for the words here to usurp, negate, or supercede those that I would say face to face to someone. The fact that there are thoughts listed here in print doesn't necessarily mean that I want to discuss them in person. (It doesn't mean that I don't.) It simply means that I'm thinking them, I'm contemplating them, I'm cutting & pasting them, I'm reliving them. It's mine...
It was interesting to me to read that one year ago today I was basically sick with the same symptoms that I'm experiencing right now. The doctor seems to think that it may be allergies. Hmm...seems logical. He also feels that I have high blood pressure. =( It is in the family.... so the next two weeks is my attempt to restructure eating, exercise & natural remedies. Bannanas anyone?
I'm due for another glass of water. Ahh... life's sweet juice....haha
Last night dancing I spent a lot of time on the sideline watching/being watched and thinking about where I am. Joey Goodgome was at RAGE and that's a name that takes me back to first coming out and dancing out OZZ. There was this time at OZZ when he was having his 21st b-day and I must've been 18 or 19. He was completely drunk and I had thought he was so cute on the dancefloor for so long and started talking with him. Back then, my naive & dream-filled mind thought it was this momentous event when he kissed me. Last night, flashing that memory next to the person he's become--not much different--made me realize how different I am.
I'm 8 months into my relationship and this is the time when I have previously found or looked for reasons to be single again. In actualality what I've done in the past is use existing reasons as excuses to exit the relationships. I remember with Lanny there was the reasoning of me not knowing whether I wanted to remain in a relationship--a way of deferring blame to myself rather than some action or behavior of his. While that reason was valid, it was immature in its development. I realized while @ RAGE that I will always have people looking at me and I will always be recognizing attraction. It's the action taken or not that is important, not the impulse that is an autonomic reflex. I'm still growing. That naive kid still plays with the infinite possibilities outside of the innocent box that it grew in. I like that. I'd be afraid if my imagination someday shorted and my life became WYSIWYG.
Some other thoughts...... Yeah, typos are a piece of life so get used to them. I think some people might have a misconception of what this journal does for me. It is not a way that I can indirectly communicate with others in my life. These words are written with the basic idea that they are for MYSELF. This is my space. These are my engrams pieced out as well as I can translate myself to myself in the hope that I will learn something in the long run and have a history of how I shaped who I am. YES, there are personal matters of my life as well as other people's lives, but the intention is not for the words here to usurp, negate, or supercede those that I would say face to face to someone. The fact that there are thoughts listed here in print doesn't necessarily mean that I want to discuss them in person. (It doesn't mean that I don't.) It simply means that I'm thinking them, I'm contemplating them, I'm cutting & pasting them, I'm reliving them. It's mine...
It was interesting to me to read that one year ago today I was basically sick with the same symptoms that I'm experiencing right now. The doctor seems to think that it may be allergies. Hmm...seems logical. He also feels that I have high blood pressure. =( It is in the family.... so the next two weeks is my attempt to restructure eating, exercise & natural remedies. Bannanas anyone?
I'm due for another glass of water. Ahh... life's sweet juice....haha
Wednesday, August 08, 2001
blood type
THIS THOUGHT RIGHT NOW
I'm like....yeah, you know? And then, sometimes, it's like--that funny feeling that jumps out at me; hmm. So I was thinking....and then it got away from me and I thought, oh yeah!! What a freak.
OKAY, THE NEXT THOUGHT
It's so late, and I'm so not tired, and I so think that using the word "so" again would be so redundant, but so satisfying for this mood. Silly. There is this inescapable truth to psychological patterns, molds, connections. The reasons why one type of person is drawn toward another. Jeremy Woods, Randy Avery, & Lanny Brown all had problems when it came to alcohol. Problems that I have watched them grow through & resolve (save Jeremy) but nonetheless I was drawn to them at the times when they were heavy into the alcohol. I'm afraid of that pattern with Randy (present). I think it's a purely unconscious attraction on my part, but as I'm more keen on seeing it, it becomes ever more conscious. As I type I can hear Randy seemingly talking to himself in the bedroom.
EARLIER TONIGHT
Nathan & I had a great dinner tonight. I feel like he's let me a little more into the realm of what he's dealing with and as I'm more a part of that, I feel less shunned. We carried the night over to Mickey's where the music was surprisingly phenomenal and the eye candy spring fresh....haha. We went back to my car for me to towel off (drenched as I was) and to take a breather. There was a message from Randy on my voice mail that Bobby & Joey were coming over to keep him company so we decided to go home to see them.
NOW BACK TO RIGHT NOW
Bobby & Joey have left to go home. I miss spending as much time with them as I used to. They live in Riverside and the distance is some of the factor, but also, the fact that I don't go out and dance as often on Thursday Nights with them cuts down on when I see them. It's all okay....in the end I know that things are as they are for a reason, though it may elude me today. They're my little brothers and they always will be.
I didn't intend on a book tonight, but there is a lot on my mind an I haven't really scratched the surface.
asdfjkl;, asdfjkl;, aqa, aza, sws, ded, juj, kik, lol, ;p;, and these are the fingers lessons I learned that for some reason just popped into my head.
goodnight.... j.r.me
I'm like....yeah, you know? And then, sometimes, it's like--that funny feeling that jumps out at me; hmm. So I was thinking....and then it got away from me and I thought, oh yeah!! What a freak.
OKAY, THE NEXT THOUGHT
It's so late, and I'm so not tired, and I so think that using the word "so" again would be so redundant, but so satisfying for this mood. Silly. There is this inescapable truth to psychological patterns, molds, connections. The reasons why one type of person is drawn toward another. Jeremy Woods, Randy Avery, & Lanny Brown all had problems when it came to alcohol. Problems that I have watched them grow through & resolve (save Jeremy) but nonetheless I was drawn to them at the times when they were heavy into the alcohol. I'm afraid of that pattern with Randy (present). I think it's a purely unconscious attraction on my part, but as I'm more keen on seeing it, it becomes ever more conscious. As I type I can hear Randy seemingly talking to himself in the bedroom.
EARLIER TONIGHT
Nathan & I had a great dinner tonight. I feel like he's let me a little more into the realm of what he's dealing with and as I'm more a part of that, I feel less shunned. We carried the night over to Mickey's where the music was surprisingly phenomenal and the eye candy spring fresh....haha. We went back to my car for me to towel off (drenched as I was) and to take a breather. There was a message from Randy on my voice mail that Bobby & Joey were coming over to keep him company so we decided to go home to see them.
NOW BACK TO RIGHT NOW
Bobby & Joey have left to go home. I miss spending as much time with them as I used to. They live in Riverside and the distance is some of the factor, but also, the fact that I don't go out and dance as often on Thursday Nights with them cuts down on when I see them. It's all okay....in the end I know that things are as they are for a reason, though it may elude me today. They're my little brothers and they always will be.
I didn't intend on a book tonight, but there is a lot on my mind an I haven't really scratched the surface.
asdfjkl;, asdfjkl;, aqa, aza, sws, ded, juj, kik, lol, ;p;, and these are the fingers lessons I learned that for some reason just popped into my head.
goodnight.... j.r.me
Friday, August 03, 2001
window typing
808 State? In my youth so many eons ago I seem to remember that 808 had something to do with a music group name.
Cloning fraud is what we're supposed to be learning about right now, however, our "Subject Matter Expert" seems to think that each of us needs to have a copy of the paperwork, so she's out copying while we're sitting here bored to death. (Again) Well. Maybe death is a bit extreme. I still feel my pulse waking me now & again.
Training ends today. I really want to go out and dance. Who to find to go? Where to go? I had a hard time sleeping last night. I think it's because Nathan didn't come home. I woke up several times.
Oh, and yes, I definitely remember now, I AM half Asian. Love ya Randy.
j.r.me
Cloning fraud is what we're supposed to be learning about right now, however, our "Subject Matter Expert" seems to think that each of us needs to have a copy of the paperwork, so she's out copying while we're sitting here bored to death. (Again) Well. Maybe death is a bit extreme. I still feel my pulse waking me now & again.
Training ends today. I really want to go out and dance. Who to find to go? Where to go? I had a hard time sleeping last night. I think it's because Nathan didn't come home. I woke up several times.
Oh, and yes, I definitely remember now, I AM half Asian. Love ya Randy.
j.r.me
Thursday, August 02, 2001
learning
Sitting here in training, I'm remembering the feeling of being in school again. I'm staring into space, bored because it doesn't move fast enough. I don't think it ever can.
I was reading some of the other diaries on here yesterday when I got home from work. There was a very bad vibe at home and to clear the air I tried to focus on other people's lives. A pseudo-escape into real life/pseudo-fiction lives of others. It wasn't really working, so Randy & I went to school to see why our registration was halted. Ahh, schoolastic bureaucracy.
So we're on a break now. The trainers are discussing their schedule for tomorrow, a couple other technicians are talking about taxing churches and here I am in the corner of the building, staring out the window of the second floor, watching the smokers down below. Gray is starting to leave. The sun in finally burning through. My reflection is in the window and I'm watching my fingers race across the keyboard. I don't think I've every done that before, watched my own fingers on the keyboard through a reflection. It's almost confusing.
But hey....I'm bored, not confused. I think I'm half Asian too. Bye bye.
j.r.me
I was reading some of the other diaries on here yesterday when I got home from work. There was a very bad vibe at home and to clear the air I tried to focus on other people's lives. A pseudo-escape into real life/pseudo-fiction lives of others. It wasn't really working, so Randy & I went to school to see why our registration was halted. Ahh, schoolastic bureaucracy.
So we're on a break now. The trainers are discussing their schedule for tomorrow, a couple other technicians are talking about taxing churches and here I am in the corner of the building, staring out the window of the second floor, watching the smokers down below. Gray is starting to leave. The sun in finally burning through. My reflection is in the window and I'm watching my fingers race across the keyboard. I don't think I've every done that before, watched my own fingers on the keyboard through a reflection. It's almost confusing.
But hey....I'm bored, not confused. I think I'm half Asian too. Bye bye.
j.r.me
