Drift Away

On Thursday morning I woke up in Ontario. It was strange to be back in the last chapter of my life. As I got in my car and started driving down Euclid, I remembered Sebastian was back in school this week preparing his classroom for next week. I thought about Steve Harrison and thought that maybe he'd be at his school preparing so I drove around Riverside Dr., Walnut, Grove & Campus looking for his junior high. I finally found it admid a flurry of construction. Their portable school was being turned into actual buildings.

I parked my car and saw this man pulling a cart behind him. The walk was strangely familiar. I know that sounds weird...how does one recognize another by a walk, but there is a distinctiveness to most of our walks. Fuck.. I'm just observant--albeit with random selectiveness. It was Randy Young, my science teacher from junior high. This was fitting that I should see him first after leaving Randy Avery's house not 20 minutes earlier. I called out to him and he walked me over to Steve's room. Red-face surprise.

He hadn't aged in my eyes. It was a reconnection that made me feel really good. Had to leave for school, but I got his new address to keep in touch.

Nathan is coming here for the weekend. I lucked out and by shift swapping was able to get the entire weekend off. I don't know who is smiling upon me, but this is perfect timing.

I see myself as not specializing. What do I mean by that. I think I mean that I'm not taking any interest in a particular field in life or wanting to become knowledgable of any one thing. I don't read. I don't watch the news. I'm more interested in watching people or spending time with friends. My specialization is people in a way; helping them to see or feel. I'm changed by the experience as well.

I went to Oasis in Upland on Wednesday Night. On the way up, I picked Randy Avery up and we went to go and hang out. The place was not as bad as I remembered it. To me, it was the equivalent of the Inland Empire's Boom Boom Room: a local hangout. We had fun drinking a little and talking. The music was decent. The club is the most mixed male/female place that I can remember for a gay club.

My past with this Randy is from a time in life when I was a child to relationships. I ran before trying to communicate. I didn't know how to express my feelings beyond hurt and anger. It was very new to be loved and love in return. This Randy was really my first, true relationship. When we parted on bad terms, it was very simple just to cast him aside. In later years, we would reconnect, but always be geographically distanced which made it easy to just bury my feelings. (Like Jared & Jeremy never being around to linger, I have put the feelings for them to rest.) Spending the night with Randy took me back to being the affectionate piece of me that never showed through at the time.

I realized that I want to cuddle & companionship, but I don't want a relationship right now. I'm not willing to make the time for a relationship. I want to get me back to a complete person as possible. Right now, although functional, I feel like I'm "getting by." I also feel that things are getting better. I notice little things that I say and do that I'm glad I'm doing again. Speaking up when otherwise I might be silent and vice versa. Closeness to people that I'm feeling again. Clarity to see something although it may be painful. (i.e. Ryan) Being silly again and having fun with it.