It's The Way We Wander

It was the kind of cold that when you took a deep breath it almost made you cough as your lungs filled with such an opposite temperature so quickly. The clouds were coming over the top of the mountain like the fog moves over the hills in San Francisco. But I was in Wrightwood. Straight, sun browned trunks in straight lines along the curving roads. One lane in each direction; warning signs that instruct not to pass. The brown lines of wood are set in motion with the angled green branches. A squadron of "V's" from head level to the heavens. I saw all of this as I was driving away from Nathan's aunt's home yesterday.

Driving on the 2, it links all the way down the Angeles Crest to Glendale. (But I think it's closed now) Glendale, a place of birth and life for a time. A brief visiting ground for my friend, Tricia and her grandmother. I was going the opposite direction. My destination was the 138, a link between Cajon Pass and Palmdale. The sun was out enough for me to put on sunglasses, but it swiftly faded to gray clouds and a light mist as the 138 merged with the 15 South. I was playing my "Holiday Driftaway" CD. For a time I was belting out the words, "Give me the beat boy and free my soul, I wanna get lost in your rock n' roll and driftaway." Felt good. (I might have been singing on key too)

Instead of taking the 15 to the 91, I decided on the 60 FWY. Probably a smart move with people returning home. I was able to glide all the way through Chino, Hills, Diamond Bar, down the 57 into Brea and all of Orange County. Rain started up again for a few miles, but cleared by the time I reached the 5FWY. Southbound, I was almost home. Almost freed from my freedom.

On x-mas day I spoke with my Mother, Sarah, Byron & Philip on the phone. I told them that I loved them. They will always be my blood. I spent time with Nathan and Randy. I hugged Eddy and Wes early after the midnight masses had ended.

Tsunami. Tsunami of love blankets the earth every xmas. I wish it would envelop people with more regularity. Either to wash them clean, or fill them with something that they lack.

Saturday Streambraining

The Tivo was made for people like me. I think. Never used one and don't have one. Don't see myself getting one anytime soon. Randy, Eddy & I went to Boy's Room last night. Met up with Jason there. Turns out Jason's friend, David went to Chino High School. We compared favorite teachers and that was fun for a few minutes. Tick tock, tick tock. The time in a hot club can go by quickly when you're dancing and raising your body temperature. I should like to take mine sometime when I'm at the height of my dancing. Would be hard to do, I don't have a thermometor, but always see those ones you put in your ears when I'm at the drug store. No more news about the anniversary of world tragedies. Let's just help those displaced. Anniversaries are more of these "markers" that I talked about in my last entry. Why are people so fascinated with celebrities? I already know the answer. I ask it as a way of engaging others to converse. I often ask questions that I already know the answer to. If I didn't, I would be even more silent around people than I already am. Stream. Stream. My plan today is to spend the day with Randy out shopping. I'm not a shopper. I'm intrigued to be around the energy of the last minute people today. Since I don't do gifts, it' odd that I'll be using a gift certificate from my roommate, Justin, to get gifts for both Justin and Art. I don't feel obligated to do so. It's something that just feels right. Like piercings are visual ways of expression that cannot find words, somehow these gifts are the bits of gratitude and love that I do not have words or hugs for. Time and touch being gifts I like to give, I am finding ways to be around as many friends as I can this holiday season. I cannot muster up that much effort with my family. Why? We're just not that close. There is love there, it will always be there, it cannot diminish or be denied. Our lives are gliding on such different planes. In 2006 I must venture to see my mother's new home in Oregon and participate in my little brother's marriage. With each passing day, I have been keen to the fact that a year ago I didn't want to live. It's an odd thought that feels both real and make-believe simultaneously. I know the expanse of my mind and how lost I get in in sometimes. I'm still learning when to leave myself in order than I might breathe normally. Walks under the trees are still calming. Health staying steady. The small joys of NPR stories and moments of laughter about completely forgettable things line my x-mas stalking. So... have you heard of Climatique?

Winter Wonder Weekend

We're officially in the home stretch. This weekend of xmas has begun. The conversations with friends are about their last minute shopping. What will we be doing tomorrow night? Where are we traveling to on Sunday morning? I can already hear the questions on Tuesday at work about what we all did over the weekend. The common things are markers in communication that build information roadways and allow people to feel close. If they were to talk about nebulous ideas that cannot be related like a birthday or the weather, then the markers are much more transparent and the roads hard to traverse.

I want to wash my car today. It's been driven through a car wash maybe once or twice since I acquired it in July. All this week I have had the memory of what it's like to hand wash a car and I feel that satisfaction will not be achieved until I relive the motions of that memory.

I woke up feeling light today. Light to the point of almost dizzy. The spring up out of bed was more force than I had anticipated and I had to step forward in order not to stumble. I didn't drink enough last night for this to be the cause, but it could be the NyQuil and the 5htp. It's been over a year since I've used 5htp on any regular basis. I pre-loaded my fun with this amino acid and a hearty B-complex before going out last night. "Free is all you've got to be....dream dreams no one else can see. Sometimes, you want to run away. But you never know what might be coming around your way......"

I ended a comment on AJ's blog with: "Fear is a teacher whose lessons are best reviewed in dreams where hesitation can't kill you." His blog entry was pretty heavy. It put me in a heavy mood. I just took myself out of it by putting playing the TranceXstacy Genesis and Circuit Girl CD's. Now I'm bouncy again. I'm thinking of Randy and Nathan and dancing. "The longer it lasts and the better it gets."

Loose Ends

More important things are on my mind than snow and Santa Claus. Heavy letters deck my halls. The search for drugs and meds are sometime the same journey.

Martin is back in town. A small gathering has been planned tonight at Hamburger Mary's in Newport Beach. I think I'll grab food beforehand.

Cardwell is back as well. I'll get to see him tomorrow. That makes me feel good.

I think I'll give Nathan a call. Catch up and laugh.

Gray

Crazy lemonhead eating his Cherry Vanilla ice cream. Away, away to home to rest, and break this California stay. I'll miss the stream. I'll miss the HIGHS and the LOWS. A bare back kiss and a flickering candle. Such labored enjoyment, such honest debilitation. I could never hurt him willingly and yet my silence, cold, cold burning. My smiles are small breakers along the sandy shore. Crunching firm a wet sand to measure one's path. Fade out to memories or in to future's unopened pages, I choose to remember tears in my eyes that brought happiness. I felt for the first time a new empathy that I had not shared before.

Oh How Lucky

My review of Lucky Sunday's at Diablo's:

The venue had a very Oasis feel to it. I think that had to do with the club being in a strip mall. Or perhaps it was the topless dancer bar right next door. In my most sarcastic sense, the word, "classy" comes to mind. EOP Go-Go Dancers, which really means, Full Figured. I give them credit though, they could sure move ALL of their bodies with perfect rhythm. Better than the go-go boy who was flat on his back on the dance box for 15 minutes. One of the EOP dancers was wearing a santa hat, a big red bow over his crotch and a red robe. It was the Rocky X-mas Special. (Can you hear the music? We sure could.) I'm used to 21+ getting wrist bands, but here we were "lucky" enough to get stars on our right hands with a permanent marker. (I got one even though I said I wasn't going to drink. I felt X-TRA lucky.) I shouldn't forget to mention the Male-Box poster was being hung by duct tape on the brick wall. It kept falling and was re-hung at an angle. When I was just getting a good laugh from seeing this, a loud steaming sound announced the mist that began to shoot through my legs and onto the dance floor. As I was enveloped by the smoke machine's offspring, my laughter inhaled too much of the mist and we had to move.

The staff, very friendly from what I could tell. The music...well... same complaint I have about any "pop"ular club event. Abrupt End.

Skin

I peeled an tangerine/orange fruit not too long ago. As my nails tore through the skin and the citrus smell leaked onto my fingers, I realized I hadn't performed this act for a very long time. Years. Definitely not since I've lived in this house.

Eureka

I've decided it's too much effort to plan anything for my birthday. So no plans. I'll be where the wind blows me or the mood swings sway.