The Magic Learning School Bus

Bobby was explaining to me how pickles become pickles. Fascinating.

I took so many pictures last night at Thrust but don't really want to post like 60 pictures here so I'll have a link to those as I decide where to put them. Saw Ty, Alex, Jared, Dani, Zeke, et al. (Cause I'm too lazy to type out everyone now that I started doing it.) I need to learn how to use the camera better.

Frick & Frack and AKA. (That poor unicorn)

I stare so deeply that what I see often makes my heart sink. I know that I transmit hope. I know that they feel safety; brief moments of comfort that they can't take with them because they haven't learned how yet. I hope that it's a doorway. I hope that they learn. Sometimes I walk along side for too long and end up trying to impress what I would view for them and I'm learning to stop that.

What do we do now?

Four friends get together in Murrieta and each does their own thing. It begs the question, "What do we do now?" I say just enjoy ourselves. So two fall asleep and two stay up to music. Now the shilldren is outside smoking his cigarrette. Mama has to harrass him and falls suit. I listen to "Broken" by Lustral. Apparently we're waiting for more people. I had but two weak drinks because I was more interested in playing with my new digital camera that will soon be used to animate my blog as I find my words are not all what I want these days.

With different friends I can enjoy different environments. I've brought a smile to Cardwell for taking a simple picture of his cat. It's satisfying. It was simple. I'm not sure I know what more to type. If I find a picture that can explain it, I'll try to put it up.

I woke up LOL-- (Literally, Laughing Out Loud)

I was having some really wild, crazy fun dreams. Woke up about 6am just laughing. I can't say that this has ever happened before. It has left me in this hyper/giddy mood for the past three hours and I have not been able to go back to sleep. Oh well. Waiting for Rey to come and pick me up so I can spend the day/night @ Cardwell's. Looking to be fun.

Daily Duty

I was sitting at a bus stop across from the Daily Grill and this man pulled into the stop with his car. Took me a little by surprise. He needed directions so I gave them to him. It left me with that good feeling of helping someone out. He was so appreciative he offered to give me a ride up the way. I thanked him as my bus was not far down the road.

Kellan got his CD's that I made him in the mail today. Saw Ty at Thrust, hung out with Justin & Kyle, and was there to witness Ali breaking down and playing the song by O-zone. Haha. Also gave Stephen something to remember during the song as he doesn't like it anymore because it's old. Not as old as me. *muah*

No point in buying a car that I can't drive.

Boys, little boys. Something straggling in my sails, something stale within my needs.

Pacific Surfliner

9:51am
On the train. Southbound. I believe the last train ride I had was when I was a kid and mom still had long hair. We might have been living in Seattle. I'd have to ask her to be sure. Today, I left from Irvine and currently the train is stopped in San Juan Capistrano. Friendly attendants. I need to do this more often. At the very least, try something new like this. (re-new)

Passing by the beach. Always that calm. Always. Even on a day, gray, like today. To contrast this, I get the cracky call from Eddy every few minutes. "Go take a hot bath. Relax," I hear myself repeating in each conversation. No more. No more. I too have been up all night long, but naturally. My neck is stiff and I can feel around my eyes that sleepiness that has been fought back. San Clemente pier... we move on. Next stop, Oceanside.

10:10am
Passing by the nuclear tits. San Onofre. I got some headphones so I can listen to my music and watch the visualizations of G-Force. Vibrant colors. I can't stare at it too long or I start to dose off. Staring out the window, we pass by the cars as they seem to be strolling down the 5FWY. Camp Pendleton. I think amusing thoughts of boys becoming men; of how Cardwell would leer. We pull into Oceanside and there's a cute boy on the opposite side of the tracks, going north. ((I wonder if 'north' is supposed to be capitalized.)) Mind drifts...the word 'capital' vs. 'capitol.' Homonyms. I can smell the purple mimeographed papers from elementary school that had lessons about here & hear, to--too--two. Mrs. Bloom. That was over twenty years ago and I'm sure she's passed on. She was the first teacher that pushed me to learn more, be more. She took the talent within and gave me a platform to stretch, become limber with my words. I suppose that her 2nd grade class is where I first began taking words out of the pure context of the dictionary and formulated ways to express on paper what danced in my mind. I'm still finding ways to bring the dances out of my head and into the world.

In Tense

Past. Present. Imperfect. What tense? Just intense is fine for now. Can't sleep. Thank you Serzone. Body tingles everywhere. Normal since I didn't gradually come back upon 200mg, rather, just dumped it in and thought I'd go to sleep like normal. I laugh at the thought now. When I close my eyes and focus on the music playing, feel my mind letting go, images start to form. Then, more than just form, they flash very rapidly. I can't make out each frame, so my mind kicks back in and tries to manipulate the speed and as I begin to recognize the images I realize that my mind is so engaged that I'm alert and nowhere near sleep. So here's more slow music playing... acoustic even. "Lightning Crashes"

I'm looking forward to going to Seattle. I need to go to the graveyard and have a heart to heart. It sounds morbid, but I don't see it that way. Talking with the dead is as sane as talking to yourself when no one's around. I know I'm not going looking for any type of answers, I'm just going because I want that conversation. I want to feel close to her. Safe. I feel it on some level just typing now. Steady hands. Tactile. The "f" and "j" keys have that raised marker on the keys so that you know where "home row" is. The graveyard is something similar. Home row.

It's in the Rain and then the Wind

So...I feel more brainstorming rather than well processed thoughts. Friday completed six Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, six driving academy classes and 13 of 80 hours of volunteer work done. I feel the lack of a car and I also enjoy the extra time to myself while walking. There's this episode of Law & Order SVU on about a character Ian Tate who's psychologist father killed his gay lover. Moving. It reminds me that I must be vigilant even if the world has changed. I have become too laxed. A couple days ago I called and enrolled myself in a California Basic Rider course for motorcycles. As I was giving my driver's license number it hit me that I can't drive.... haha. So I cancelled and will have to reschedule after May 25th. Got my trip to Seattle scheduled. Cardwell is going to come with. De ja vu of last year? Except last year was with Nathan. It will be nice to hang with Kellan too. I want to get a digital camera to start adding to my blogging. Capture moments. Share them. I love Southpark. I've loved it since really watching it back in 1998. My mom's house is in escrow. She'll be moving (theoretically) the weekend I'm in Seattle. This will be the furtherest she's lived from me since I was in Sacramento. Sarah is going too. That makes me a little sad because I feel like I was just getting to know her in the time that she's been driving me around. Celibacy sucks.

blahblahblahblahblahblah

I feel like just brainstorming. I'm looking around my room and searching for something that will spark what it is that I want to talk about but there's nothing certain, nothing just beating down the walls to be heard. I see the Skechers shoe box that I use as a trash can and a chair full of clean clothes that I haven't made time to hang or fold---it just easier to pick the clothes from the pile as I need them and then put them in the dirty basket which hides away in the closet. No rain this weekend! I want to lay in the warmth of the sun, on the sand; feel each grain exfoliate between my toes and dry my hands. The songs ripped to my laptop are nearing the 2000 count and I'm not sure what that means exactly. It means that I have music wherever I go. That's comforting somehow.

Family Photo 2005

So here's my family. All of us hate smiling, but we do it for mom...haha. Years of practice has us trained to put those smiles up.. haha.

Family Pyramid

Ok... One More....

Healing Under Water

I don't know how I stay in shape other than to use heredity and genetics as an explanation. How long can it last?

I saw Cardwell for the first time in two weeks. We spent Saturday night in West Hollywood. Arriving in the afternoon, Hamburger Mary's was our luncheon before meeting up with Justin and Jeffrey. They're dog, Ripley, has grown so much since I was last at their place in January. Still hyper as puppies will be. He's a whippit(sp?). The ferrets snuggled with their pungent aroma in the computer room. Their condo is quite cute and I had never taken the time to notice that before. When we woke up this morning Justin and Jeffrey were cutting coupons from the Sunday paper to organize in their coupon folder. Domestication. I suppose if I actually shopped in a grocery store I'd know the wisdom of coupons.

Lanny called me this afternoon. He broke up with Brian. I still don't have all the details, but he wants to come out and visit in the next few weeks. What is it that keeps that emotional attachment between us? The easy answers: 1) we love each other and always will 2) our attraction for each other has never faded 3) we'll always wonder what might have been had things been different. As Cardwell and I discussed this weekend, there are certain people from your past that are always going to have a distinct impression that will not go away.

Spoke with Grandpa on the phone. He seemed lucid to his surroundings. Still waiting to hear what the next steps were going to be. I cried as soon as we exchanged I love you's and hung up the phone. A memory of how he smells filled my nostrils. Twenty-five years ago I was driving down the 5 FWY with he and Grandma from Seattle to Chino. The windshield wipers on the truck went out while we were in the mountains at one point so he rigged some string to them and would pull through the window when they got stuck. The truck pulled a trailer. When we were stopped at points I played Yahtzee and ate corn bread. When my tears wouldn't subside, I made for the shower and let it all drain away.

Most of Friday was spent at the American Heart Association. It's the place of my court ordered volunteer work. Being in the office environment keeps reinforcing to me how much I don't want to have a job that places me there again. Volunteering isn't bad at all. The tasks are simple, they're helping a good cause; even if the motivation for going isn't the cause but my own selfish fulfillment.

Quick Thoughts: Big hair in the Mexican restaurant next to 7-11. FUBAR...a boy with a blue shirt and the letters "CSD" on the back. Ali is moving on to venues other than The Boom and I'm happy for him. I had to miss Justin M's b-day party, but hope it went well. I'm sitting this week out of Thrust to have family portraits taken on Tuesday. Oh joy. Art is home in a couple days. I'm looking forward to seeing him and all his pictures. I'm back on my motorcycle kick(stand).

Liner notes; Lengthy nights

I've decided to pull an all-nighter. I have much to do tomorrow and in classic blueprint style, I will never wake up in time to do them all so the solution built into my frame has always been to stay up all night and push for that "second wind" at some point in mid morning.

The past few days I've felt like an open nerve. So much time to myself. Quieting my mind has been a struggle as I have sensed a discord in Nathan's energy. (How 'new age' of me) As much as I value my time alone, I also know that I need the physical interaction of others. My mind can be quieted with just their mere presence. Cadence. When I am too far removed... I see myself as the world I don't want instead of the change that I should be leading. So right now I want to tune into to some new frequencies and let the good vibrations start to flow again.

I'll probably write short bits all night long...

ASStral Planes

Something made me laugh a few hours ago. I went to go write about it on here and found that the blogger site was running slow and in waiting, trying different ways to access the site and then the other things like phone calls and laundry, I completely forgot what it was I was going to type about. I find that happening more often these days. (Both finding things funny and forgetting)

I read on some boy's MySpace.com profile that who he is looking to meet is someone that he can call his best friend. That made me pause and smile. Still brings chills and moisture in the eyes. I mean, that really says it all. The perfect body, the smartest guy, the best lover, the most magic moments really are just that; individual memories in time. That guy that you plan things with and share the moments and laugh like best friends do is such a simple concept and a treasure in a maze.

I sent a card to my grandfather. He's in the hospital for surgery this week. Eighty-five in July. I know I don't want to live that long. It's the quality of life and not the quantity that I look at. If I can't remember who you are or anything of what we've shared then where is the value? It's in the selfishness of those that are alive and healthy to keep you around for their benefit. It's the same with people and suicide. People like to tell you how much they love you and how sad they would be if you weren't here anymore. And while true, it's also true that people move on and that after a varying amount of time they laugh, live and let go. Think of all the people that have tried to kill themselves and have failed and have been caught and institutionalized. Who's paying for them to live doped up in seclusion? Yes, the rest of us because we won't do the humane thing and let them have their death. We'd rather force our will upon them. All I'm saying is that when your dog or cat gets to a point where they're in pain or agony you take them to the vet and "put them to sleep." Sometimes we people need our sleep too.

Do you feel my heart beating, do you understand?

I read stuff like this and it feels good, something I always know inside....almost as if it's been my only real purpose:

"I haven't experienced this sense of loss in a while. Someone who I was friends with, whose life I knew intimately. We'd lost touch but his energy never left me. Jeremy inspired me through his actions. He had passion and I loved the feeling that he cared. He took care of kids. I love that."

Something I feel eternal.

I said, I said, I said

Sitting here ripping CD's. I'm struck with memories from the Erasure album, "I Say I Say I Say." I can place myself in my 19 year old skin and I'm dating the first Randy in my life. His Honda Civic and mine. Drives to Los Angeles along the 10 FWY. Alta Loma, Rancho, Upland. Foothill Blvd., Route 66, the Red Hill Cafe. A party in Ontario at some guy, John's house. He loved Madonna and had all her albums, singles, etc. We would venture out to Ozz to dance because DJ Eric played a wide variety of things that everyone loved. It's where I met Cardwell for the first time, JD (Now Joe) and so many others. Aries, Rodney, Richey and Mikey were in the network with Arturo and Tom House. It would be the time when I was involving myself more with the The Center OC after attending Sunday youth group meetings. I remember the circle of chairs and the boys all looking at one another for some type of connection and understanding about themselves for the first time. Some having such an easy time with it and others so quiet and afraid. That would be where I met James the lifeguard and would explore West Beach for the first time.

And it would come to pass that I would move to Sacramento. I would end my relationship with one, start up with another and try that long distance death trap. I see all these things in my head flashing faster than I can type them all down. I'm smiling at the memories but they also bring tears. I think of all I've learned and how different the unfolding of life has turned out to be. It's nothing like the Jeremy then would have thought it was going to be. And now I'm not sure that I even can think in terms of what the future Jeremy will be, achieve, want or pass by. Time now seems not so much a burden or a blessing; just a static entity that cycles. (And we are spinning it's wheels)

Busy Work

"All these things I do to occupy my time are sedatives to my overactive psyche."

Peeking @ The Proposal

My brother, Philip, stopped by today to use the computer to work on a paper due for his Master's program. He showed me the photographs of the Carribean trip. There was video of when he proposed to April. It was very touching to me and actually made me teary eyed. He's grown into a witty "lil" jokester. Nice to finally get to know more about my brother. It's this way with all the siblings.

Crowded House

Alone in the house, actually....but I've re-discovered my love for the music group, Crowded House. Aside from their mega-popular hit, I remember it was Holly who turned me onto them while I was in high school. Burp. Yuck, cranberry juice causing heart burn is cause for a shower and movement to some type of lunch. Soon.

Haha..I was typing with Martin just now and I described my alcohol classes as, "The joy that is my Thursday until April 14th." I do actually find the people there interesting. Where else do I get to mix with such a diversified group of educations, classes and personalities? I see the repeats. I see the ashamed. I see the clueless. I see those like me, grinning and baring it and trying to make the best of our own mistake.

A word to the wise... frottage is a wonderful safe sex instrument, but watch out for the chafing aspect. OUCH!

Slicing The Frozen Tear

Mark and I hung out tonight. It was reminscent of our days just chatting about everything and nothing. Our time is in our dialogue. We made an attempt to check out the Main Street Karoake but it was pretty lame.

Kings of Convenience - "I'd Rather Dance"

Today was a bus adventure. I took the 70 to the 37 to get to my doctor's office in Anaheim. Dropped off paperwork then decided to roam for a while. I took the 47 to the 59 back to the 70. I find that if I'm not engaging myself with writing or proactively looking for street names that the vibration of the bus easily lulls me to sleep. Were it not for the constant starting and stopping to jerk me to and fro, I would've been asleep. While in Anaheim I got to eat at the old hole, MOS, for my teriyaki chicken bowl. As the bus went down Lincoln, it passed my old apartment and no memories sprang to mind....As I'm typing now I'm trailing off here. I'm caught up in music. I'm sad and happy. I'm doing things that are productive and making progress and I feel good about them. I can't shake the people from my past. (Recent or distant)

I know that Tyler moving on is for the best because I'd end up hurting him somehow and I don't want that; never wanted that. I remember arguing with some guy online when I was 20 that someone 30 would have a responsibility not to be involved with someone under 21 because they would have age and wisdom on their side. Hahaha, oh the "so sure" attitude of youth. I miss it sometimes.... But it's not just Ty that I think about. For some odd reason the damn Randy thoughts have made a considerable encroachment into my mind. Maybe it's because March is two years since we stopped living together and over four years now since we met. Maybe it's because March is his birthday. Maybe I sense something that I'm sure others, closer to him know more about. Maybe I'm just lonely at the core and can't shake the love that once was.

I'm looking forward to spending tomorrow just being free. Another adventure with the bus system, but Eddy will be joining me this time. THe mall, the beach or who knows where else we'll end up. My center is back with him.... as with other parts of my life. Or maybe I should say that my strides toward being "the old me" are more recognizable to me.

I'm cuddling in my head.