And the Walls come Tumbling down

I'm listening to the "J Squared" compilation albums. Forty-six songs... "You can stand under my umbrella..."

I've been inside all day. No television now going on three and a half years. I assume there were various 9/11 memorials across the nation. The only one that meant anything to me I did this morning: Left hugs on Marshy's FB wall.

The constant job search and application process online for a good half of the day. Food. Sister talk. Food. Shower. It feels good to be cleaned, but I still don't feel quite clean. Hah.

Last Night was a random Thelma & Louise trip to WeHo. Black Widows at Motherlode where Robert, the bartender, was trying to sell Louise on a butt plug that was sitting on the bar. "Nothing artificial up her alley," I said. There was a lot of sharing with Bobby last night and as the apple core wore away...so we moved to the park, swings, lost I.D., then found it again. I think I'm his Guardian Angel of Identifications. Met up with Joseph at The Factory for Super Cherry Pop. Humberto was there. My two only child Mexicanos finally got to meet each other. Alex was also there...Randy's favorite from years ago. He surprised me with a drunk kiss on the dancefloor that I tried to avoid but then heard Randy's voice in my head if I didn't. That voice would have said, "STOOOPID!" Hahaha

I have too much affection building in me that is not being channeled anywhere. It makes me emotional.

I talk about Sergio more than I should for as little that I know him. Trying to rationalize and figure out the instinctive feelings that guide me has always been my undoing... So... I am trying to allow this uncomfortable feeling to exist without taking action.

Living. It is always so touch & go with me.

Bobby's Becka had four puppies. The Smith/Waters show was standing room only & I shared that with the best of friends. I am beginning to connect again.

Naturally

My lil gay bro, Bobby--or "Lando" as he is known to many--has blessed me with his offspring and I've had a wonderful day with Joey, Josh & the roo-roos.

The beach and friends is really the highest high I have ever attained.  It feels amazing.

Hi Friend

"Hi Friend" is a greeting I have heard in many different capacities in the last couple months. I saw the word "brainstorm" in an IM I was part of yesterday and as I sat down to write tonight the word flashed in my head and I realized that it's been a long time since I've just let out a continuous stream of thought.... so here I am.

Between Nick, another French guy I met last week named Dominic and a random message from a French boy, Steve, in Paris I've made the joke that I'm a French Magnet. While sharing this with my roommate, Charlie, I joked that I should get a shirt that says, "I'll Fuck you if you French me." I'm sure the humor will not translate to this journal entry, but it was funny at the time and something that I do not want to forget as the years roll by....

And rolling by they are. I received an email from Lanny yesterday that put all of that into some perspective. At least it began to clarify the lines. (what does that mean?) I often think in phrases that paint images or conjure emotions. From time to time I have gone back and read my entries (not often) and I'll read a passage where the wording perplexes me but I will remember the feeling of the time when I wrote it. It's the way I'm wired I guess. As the Goldfrapp lyric goes...."I'm wired to the world. That's how I know everything. I'm superbrain. That's how they made me."

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Now playing on Winamp: Goldfrapp - Utopia

So about 45minutes ago I posted the song info above... I then got side-tracked and looked up the video on YouTube which led me to my own YouTube page which led me to look at Nick's YouTube videos and I saw heard his mother for the first time. That was a special moment. I went back to my page and watched "The Angry Asian" and "When Orientals Drink." I've been smiling and laughing so much since then. Which brings me back to my brainstorm and the feelings that have led me here.

I got an email from Lanny last night that and he talked about dreams. Dreams in life. Inspiration really. When I write I feel that dream. He reminds me of that every so often and I file the thought away in my head somewhere. I need to stop doing that.

And Bobby needs to stop with this lemonade diet. Not happy about that. But then...

Tidals

I'm finding myself daydreaming quite a bit yesterday and today. I sit here and stare out the office window through mini-blinds that are drawn down but twisted open. (That sounds like a way to describe one's soul...."drawn down and twisted open"...not a pretty feeling.) The John Wayne airplanes fly out; their noise just a normal sound of my daily encounters, like the car alarm or my office mate's radio and the keyboard as I type on it.

Swirling thoughts I'm having. I know it's because of the meds. I'm almost a month on Serzone and two days into Wellbutrin again. I'm expecting a week of adjustment. I spent time with Bobby on Tuesday. I picture him working at Olive Garden and me going in to eat there with some friends. This reminds me of going to Olive Garden in Brea when Randy was serving there.

I wish it were lunch already. Food.

Avalon

I saw Manuel, my intellectual mate from school. I saw Jonathan, my roommate from almost ten years ago. I saw Eldon, the boy from Bobby's neck of the woods. I saw Phil B. I saw Casey, the 17 year old from The OC Center back in 1994 who has grown up and is a DJ. I see his name in ads all over.

I saw these things at Avalon. I danced for hours. I am tired. I should sleep. I am typing simple sentences. I I I I I.....

I need to be in love soon.
(As if there was a formula)

The Hot & Cold of Leather Seats

I just listened to a message that made my weekend. Yes, true, I make my weekend. I choose this, that, the other thing. There be no islands in America. (Do not take me literally) I've been enjoying myself anyway, but this phone message just made me smile ear to ear. (That's a funny picture.) Friday night was I was in a knot because I had not heard from Nathan about what the plans for the weekend were. I felt like I was on hold to plan but all the time knowing that I was putting that hold on myself because of an expectation of having Randy, Nathan and I together. After a long nap, I felt no better and forced myself to go out. Joshua (Gray) and his friend were also going out. Round off the group with Eddy and an evening in West Hollywood was actually a nice removal from the brooding of my bedroom.

When I received a voice mail from Nathan on Saturday morning. I was ambivalent about calling him back. Randy was already on his way down to Ensenada. I opted out of the trip because I didn't feel like the long drive there nor did I wish to spend the night. On the drive home from WeHo, there was a voice mail message from lil Alex (Salcedo). It was an invite to his 24th birthday party at Eye Candy. Another chapter passing before my eyes. I've known Alex since he was 18. He was at my 26th birthday party. I've listened to countless grunts from Randy about the boy. I thought it was a very kind gesture that he remembered me and cared enough to call to let me know about the gathering considering I have not hung out with him in years.
An idea was forming in my head that if someone who I am not close to on any daily level wants me somewhere that they're going to be and a friend who I've contacted to try and make plans doesn't get back to me that I should probably go where I've been invited. It was a hard, but easy choice.

Saturday daytime was mostly spent cleaning here and there. Joshua and his friend, Michael, stayed most of the day. We joined Art & AJ for lunch at Wendy's and took in some Coldstone afterward. Mmmm.... I made my own concoction of Vanilla Bean ice cream, white chocolate chips, crunch bar and almonds. (I could go for some more, actually.) Eric texted me and that put a smile on my face. He came over for a couple hours and we spent most of the time together on the computer looking at profiles, downloading music and then playing Smash Bros. until Rey & Charlene arrived. Then he went home in his car while my car took the other two to pick up Eddy so we could go to Eye Candy. I stayed long enough to remember the group of friends I don't see too much. Alex's roommate, Danny, the son of a preacher man. Bobby was there. (Sans Joey, of course.)

My car moved on down Santa Monica Blvd. to the main strip area and we had drinks at Motherlode and then danced at Rage. Eddy found a way to get himself thrown out. Then he found a way to let me leave him there as I drove the other two back to my house.

The phone message that I just listened to was from Martin. He left it at 2:42 a.m. That was the exact time of the ordeal trying to find Eddy and get him to my car to leave WeHo. I was not smiling at all during that time. My energy must've been pulling for something special to sling-shot me back to myself. (Although always myself) So I'm still smiling... and today is going to be beautiful & bright.

Tell me Quando....quando....quando.

Party Screamers

Space in the closet if freeing up.

I've felt too tired the last 24 hours. The kind of tired where all I want to do is stay laying down, motionless. Sleeping. I felt this way while Jorge was here yesterday. When I took him home, I thought I would go to bed early, but when I got back home I started eating and eating. I ended up staying awake and watching TV until 3am. So lazy right now. I've forced myself into a sitting position to write this.

Quiet, quiet house. A world of vehicles in the distance out my window. One of them is backing up somewhere; the familiar tones of the backup beeps. All of the sounds begin to trail like that of an airplane that flies overhead and then is lost in the clouds.

I got to spend some time with Cardwell on Tuesday. He came over to go to Thrust. Jorge went too--his first time at any type of club at all. That was fun to watch. The whole night was actually very positive. Bobby & his cousin, Patrick, were there. Jorge knew people. Randy was in a punchy, jovial mood all night. I danced and smiled. I was soaked by the end of the evening, so the change of clothing that was waiting for me in the car was as good as cotton gets in my life. The Denny's occupation afterward was the most laughter I've had since the drive home from Las Vegas last year with Cardwell. Tears just bursting out of my eyes; the flow increasing any time that Randy and I actually looked at each other while listening to the conversations around us.

In the rear view mirror of my life, I've never been the kind of morning personality that smiles upon encounters with people. Even while happiness has briefed its rays upon me, there is a reservation with wreckless abandon that keeps a room.

Brainstream [unedited]

What games am I playing with myself? This writing that could be so much more. Collecting things as I breathe each day. I stop and think of past professionals, past artists, past pasts. I suppose I should be playing a game that I enjoy. Yes, one that benefits me....no? Maybe that is not the purpose of this energy's spark. "Free will" are words of an expression often used, but there is nothing free about exercising it. I think like a child; immediate sight, immediate dealings. Watching "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" reminded me of that. So write I think. But this is one thought of many. Jorge repeats the words that so many have told me. I think too much. Weight. Wait. Glancing around my room, still too much clutter for my taste, but less so than ever before. I had a visit from Bobby this morning. He brought his gay cousin with him. The seemingly random energies that transfer through when I feel this way are more thoughts that stir. Do they come at such times to test my own resolve or to remind me of something else? Air conditioner. Cool down the thoughts of a boy, not a child now. Hiding is a man, quite aware of this world situation and quite powerless in the conventional way of man to think. Powerful in spirit. I'm bracing for impact--have been for a while. I'm so strapped in that I don't think it's the impact that will hurt, rather, the things that are supposed to save me. Milk sounds good. I'm not really hungry but could eat, but no more eating out now that I've embarked on having a vehicle again. Everyone is asking if I'm excited to have it and I think, "No, not really." It has not been touched all day. I was at The Abbey this last Saturday; a tour guide for Voltaire, though while being there I felt adrift somehow, like even knowing the place, I didn't KNOW the place. (Or maybe didn't want to know) Gil was there and still nothing really understood about what type of relationship we have. I read blogs from other people and they seem so simple compared to what I type. Is that mean to say? I doubt that any of us really try to sound complex when we're uploading these thoughts. It's "stuff" in our heads. It's background noise in our brains and we choose to share it like this. Sometimes there's no other way to share it. Sometimes there aren't the skills to talk or the desire to touch in any other way. I miss my friends because they are so far away and our lives continue to grow further apart. That doesn't mean that new relationships don't form, because they do. I've spent more time with Ken in the last few weeks than I have Cardwell.. haha. It's a different kind of relationship and the people who bridge into me are not always the people I would guess. (Or maybe choose, or not choose) The game that I want to play I'm not sure if I can win, and that's sad that I think that way; for playing the game might be what winning is all about--- and then again, winning shouldn't be as important as it is made to be. It is. Because we have taught ourselves to believe that and continue to teach it. I walk a wire, weary of which way I wander. (What gallows await me in any game I play?)

The Magic Learning School Bus

Bobby was explaining to me how pickles become pickles. Fascinating.

I took so many pictures last night at Thrust but don't really want to post like 60 pictures here so I'll have a link to those as I decide where to put them. Saw Ty, Alex, Jared, Dani, Zeke, et al. (Cause I'm too lazy to type out everyone now that I started doing it.) I need to learn how to use the camera better.

Frick & Frack and AKA. (That poor unicorn)

I stare so deeply that what I see often makes my heart sink. I know that I transmit hope. I know that they feel safety; brief moments of comfort that they can't take with them because they haven't learned how yet. I hope that it's a doorway. I hope that they learn. Sometimes I walk along side for too long and end up trying to impress what I would view for them and I'm learning to stop that.

Age is relative?

18 - Joe, Tyler
19 - Rey
20 - Dominic
21 - Eddy, Javier
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25 - Bobby
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28 - Arturo
29 - *ME*, Cardwell
30 - Mark
31 - Nathan
34 - Joseph

Bracing bracelets

"...it's like borrowing energy from somewhere or something and at some point it will be taken back. If not taken back, traded for something else." A thought to myself about the extreme sensations and sensory experiences of being altered.

America is so fucking puritanical when it comes to the outward expression of anything sexual in nature. Janet Jackson's tit flashing during the Super Bowl is nothing to be up in arms about when mothers can walk around with their tits hanging out of their shirts while feeding their children. I'm sure other countries laugh at how childish we are. We're like the children that snicker and laugh in shame when we see something naked. Pish!

I'm starting to feel physically better after spending the last week and a half coughing. A trip to the doctor and antibiotics probably helped.

There's an article in Instinct magazine about those in the gay community that choose abstinence as a way of practicing safe sex. I didn't read the entire article, but the first featured man didn't entirely make me jump and root for a representation of me. I'll have to finish the article, but in Instinct, I can't believe that the article would really be anything more than just a fluff article for its readers.

I think that writing a book has been hard for me because of two main reasons. One, because I don't think of myself as a storyteller and therefore when I see "scenes" or "ideas" for character interaction for a book there is usually little in the idea connecting each scene together. I often don't have a point other than to present what is happening for people to see the situation, feel it, and hopefully make a change to the way they think of something. Secondly, writing brings my emotions to the surface. This has always been a great release in tempered times, but in everyday situations, I find myself overpowered by some of these feelings. (Be them good or bad).

I didn't sleep much yesterday. After work I drove to Riverside to meet up with Bobby. Due to miscommunication, we didn't actually meet up and I ended up taking the scenic route back to Irvine; 91FWY to the 15 South, to Lake Elsinore, HWY 74--a two lane road that winds for about 22 miles through the mountains back to Orange County--dropping off on the back side of Ladera Ranch, twisting through the new housing developments to the 241 toll Road and finally back to Irvine. It was a long trip, but I'm always up for a good drive. I spent the rest of the day with Cardwell and we went to South Coast Plaza... Reminder: I left film at Sav-On that I need to pick up. I laid down at his place to take a short nap and was down for several hours. A quick drive home and down for the count again.

When I woke up I felt cold. I could hear that the heater was on. I grabbed my hoodie/pullover and covered one shoulder, the other still exposed with only the tank top I was wearing. In the shower, the heated water and steam warmed me quickly. So much so that I had to turn the temperature down. After stretching, I sat and let the water beat down on my head and drip forward down my face. With my eyes closed, I ran my hands down my cross legs, then up through my hair, around my neck and felt my back as I hugged myself and thought of that feeling of being loved and thinking that same thought that I started this journal entry with.

I'm not a slow and steady burn over the long haul of life. I never have been. I'm not the candle that burns at both ends and then vanishes never to be seen again. I'm melting away the wax, molding it while it cools, and hoping to see something different as I reshape. Eventually though....there's nothing left to burn and it's unclear to me if all the energy spent shifting will eventually be equaled out when I'm with that someone who flows in the love that swirls within.

Balancing out the energy pool

When Cardwell & Bobby show up to a movie night.... something must be brewing in the air.

It was a lot of and I'm glad they were both there.

The absence of Tangibles

Today--right now--4:04am, is the first time since not having a car that I feel like I would really like to have one again. I think it's because of my hunger. I would have liked to have gone on my lunch and gotten something really fattening to eat. Hehe.

Instead, I was in the break room and online talking to my roommate, Art, and Lanny. Lanny was talking about how good it was going to feel to come out and see me and I share the same sentiment. I have this movie in my head about picking him up at the airport and grabbing him as he walks through the security area and just kiss him and hold him and be lost in that moment. When I pause right now I can picture visiting Destin, FL and being in a restaurant there with Lanny and his two friends as we drank and ate. There was such life to the place. I remember it was red, or that's the color that sticks out. I remember running on the beach at full speed and it making my soles raw because the beach had little pebbles everywhere.

I think that sometimes I'm in love with the idea of being in love.

There's a dinner tonight. I hope I didn't blow it out of proportion by inviting more people. Originally Sebastian called to invite me along with his friend, Jon and Jon's friend. I invited Mark, Chuck, Art and Matt. (oops, & bobby & joey) Hmm... In any case, I plan on having a good time.

Smashing!

CAR CHALLENGED:
I have a knack for hitting guard rails and center dividers. First in rain on a freeway onramp in Sacramento by myself when a truck in front of me spun out of control so I swerved to avoid hitting him, then in traffic on the 105 FWY after picking up Philip from LAX w/Tom House in the car, another time at night from the 15FWY Southbound transitioning to the 60FWY Westbound there was a semi truck stopped on the curved merge lane and I swerved into the wall at the last minute instead of hitting the truch. (Bobby & Joey were with me for that one.) Early Monday morning on the 29th, I was flying through Carbon Canyon to get to work on time when the fog obscured the sharpness of a turn and I--for lack of elegant terms--"eat it."

French Man and Cure

The irony of Ryan's. As I rested against the DJ booth, the music filled my head while I panned the room. My little brothers all drinking or drunk. "The Girl" (Joey's cousin) enjoying the attention. Roommate Art with his diet coke strolling around. Chuck drinking to alter because he's in too much control to do anything else. I was removed from it all. What I find fun has changed. It has changed because I have changed. It has changed because I've grown tired of hiding inside of the crowd.

My appointment went well. I mentioned that I'm not sleeping consistently. She suggested changing the time that I take my medication to when I wake up as opposed to right before I goto bed. If that doesn't work, she'll prescribe some sleeping meds.
I was awake for 28 hours. Slept only 4, and I've been awake since. On my break 30 minutes ago, I slept for 12 minutes. Naps are glorious.

After work yesterday, I had lunch with Ryan. I went to his house. That was nice to be let in. I was in cuddle mode. Tonight at The Boom with everyone, I drifted a lot. I found myself thinking of Ryan. Strange, Bobby & Joey's friend, Ryan, was there too. The moon shimmered on the water like when Ryan and I were watching it last week. Ryan Ryan Ryan Ryan. Can I drown myself in the way I feel and swim at the same time.

Chuck asked me if I thought I would be dead without the meds. It was a question out of nowhere. It was odd. I wondered if it was because he cared or if it was just random.

Ryan asked me the other night while we were watching "GO" if I still used ecstasy. I explained to him that while on the meds I couldn't, even if I wanted to. It was a life changing decision that I made for myself. As quickly as the question was brought up it was dropped.

Philip called me out of the blue a couple days ago. It was nice talking to him. Strange. Good.

Skin so soft. Velvet he said. awe.

Baseline

9:43am I like solving problems. I just got off a call where everything seemed to be set-up correctly and there was no reason why the customer's phone should not have worked. I started "fiddling' with the switch record and got the phone working. What I did wasn't rocket science, but the process of troubleshooting and getting resolution satisfies me. This is a machine. The answers are usually black and white and this so appeals to that piece of my personality that wants structure and order. People complicate this structure, but the satisfaction is the same in trying to solve issues. Something sparks in me. What I've tamed in myself over time is the expectation that helping to solve problems does not become a personal issue for me. To be engaged but not necessarily involved. Something in me thrives on the challenge. Alas, there are some things that cannot be solved and one must know when the solution is in forgoing any attempt at resolution.

10:19am I'm barely awake. An hour and a half of sleep yesterday followed by drinks at dinner and drinks out with friends and then a 25 minute nap before racing into work. I remember everything. I had a nice time hanging out with Sebastian and roommate Art for dinner. We took a tour of the Sports Club of Irvine where I ran into Rodney--of Rodney & Richie (the twins) from way back in my late teens.

"Lil Bros" were at The Boom. Alex, Dan, Joey. Bobby didn't make it. I was explaining to Ryan online that my "lil bros" were there. Funny that my lil bros are older than him and my real brothers are too. Ahh, what a quaint moment of pause at the keyboard.

Shut up Chuck.

Reading Between The Lines

3:30am It's officially started...my new work schedule. I'm one hour into my shift and all is quiet--as I remember it being Sunday nights going into Monday morning. Work upgraded everyone's computers, monitors & keyboards. It's much easier to type fast on this keyboard and I love it... like ideas can get out of my head faster; no limitations of physical reality.

So how do I feel? I forced myself to stay awake Sunday until 7am. Then I forced myself to keep going back to sleep during the day as I woke up several times. Tricking the body out of it's natural sleep pattern isn't fun. I'm wide awake now--so far, so good. I feel as if I haven't written an entry for some time. So much was packed into the tiny space of this last weekend that I didn't put any of it down. Now I have all this time and I'll let the seepage begin.

I have strep throat. Lovely. Good thing is that antibiotics started on Friday have already alleviated the pain and gland swelling so I know it's just seven more days until the little bacteria fuckers are dead.

Javier opted himself out of my life. My sister says not to feel bad about it because there are plenty of other people out there. The simple wisdom of being 15 again. She hasn't had her heart broken yet so her words are easy to speak. Perhaps this encounter was life's way of repeating the lesson that I haven't learned yet: Don't try and date anyone too young. Jake reminds me of that when I talk to him online. I think I've always done it because I use myself as the template of what I was like at a certain age and know that others can be too. It's rare, but it happens. It's rare. It's fucking rare.

I saw "The Italian Job" with Mark tonight. He told me earlier in the week that he and Randy had hung out. When he said it on the phone it was with some hesitation. I don't know if the two of them discussed not bringing it up to me or if they each individually decided that it wasn't something they wanted to talk about. To me, it doesn't matter. I just don't like to be in the dark about something. It makes it look worse than it may really be. If there is attraction between them... so be it. If there's not and there's a meeting of the minds... so be it. I have a knack for bringing together people and I suppose that's regardless of history. HISTORY... is where all of this anyway and after the Mother's Day brunch I really did clear anything lingering that weighted me down.

On Saturday, I had the opportunity to speak for PFLAG in front of a small group of people in the process of becoming foster parents. I arrived late due to not wanting to leave the comfort Shawn in my bed. So I walk in 15 minutes late to this extremely small group. There were as many panelists as there were parents in the room. This was not strictly about being gay, so the panelists were from different ethnic minorities and social workers themselves. I was the only gay person there. In this forum, there was a lot of focus on the types of kids that would be placed in foster care; the majority being neglected or abused. In telling my "coming out" story to high schools and colleges, I skip over my home life a lot because it's not always relevant to the topic at hand, but here it seemed particularly relevant. For the first time in a group of people I related my coming of age. I talked about my relationship with my mom during junior high and high school, with Ruben and the struggle of being powerless and feeling helpless. I realized just after speaking how much it hurts sometimes to still think about it. I wanted the foster parents to understand the feelings that may not be outwardly expressed by a child who has been abused that comes into their care. They will want to trust and feel loved but will have the experience of having the ones that they want love from the most betray them or hurt them. A couple of times I remember as I was speaking that the emotion was so overwhelming to me that I lost my train of thought and started talking more because I was nervous. Why do I speak for PFLAG? Why is it important? It's important because we still have teenagers killing themselves rather than being able to accept who they are. It's important for me to volunteer my time with youth coordinated events because---as I realized and felt for the first time Saturday---the stuff of my past will forever be worked out and coped with in ways that I find in helping others find shelter from their own haunting pasts. Strangely, my mother called and left a message during the time I was speaking.

Pasts. Who knew that the things of our youth would be so important and so trivial at the time. Chuck is one of my dearest friends, but when I see him with relationships, I think of Nathan with his mom. (I'm sure the argument could be made about me and my relationships too, but different issues) Identity. I keep a card that Chuck gave me for my birthday one year as a sort of IOU for a vacation trip. I hope that someday I'll be able to use it, but I'm waiting for him to meet someone that he can last with so that I can break them up. (Okay, that last sentence was a joke--it's the stuff that goes through my mind when in person my lips speak something else. You'd never know.) I want him to lose this need to control everything. He's come so far in the last seven years, but the core is still there. It's that core that ends up rubbing people into confrontation---as if he knows no love without it. As I held Edwin in my arms and he cried over the loss, I felt my internal vibe go crazy. Wires crossed. Drunken minds wandering. I could feel how much he loves Chuck and I know how much Chuck loves him. I know that the truth in this situation was the only thing that gave me patience to put up with it Friday Night.

5:22am Been working while writing. People can be such gems to talk to. Soon the sun will rise and I'll watch the overcast grayness be illuminated. What a really piss-ass ugly week it's been. Haha... "piss-ass".... oh.. making that word up made me think of Javier and his niece saying "Fuck Ass," making fun of his sister saying it. How can someone I knew so little of effect me like this?

I got to see Bobby on Saturday night. He and Joey came down and went with Chuck, Ken and I to a party in Laguna Hills. I knew they'd like to see the house. I had seen it once before. Quite remarkable. The view from the back patio would be awesome on a clear day. You could see downtown Laguna, the ocean and probably all the way out to Catalina.

6:24am I'm yawning now. 4 1/2 hours to go. Art came home from Orlando and we had some time to exchange stories of our weeks. It was good to see a smile on his face.

Patti LaBelle & Michael McDonald Sing It

12:20am Cheddy in WeHo. Bobby @ Boom Boom. I just don't feel like venturing out into those arenas tonight, though I would like to be around friends.

Bummed about the Javier thing... but also remembering the credo: No Drama. This definitely qualifies as drama and so I go back to the single thing. Lovely. Got porn?

I have this Southwest Airlines credit that I have to use by November. My vacation time is limited but I'm not sure where to go. Part of me wants to do the solo thing and go somewhere I've never been and part of me wants to see familiar faces. I'm a sort of fairytale myself.

I told George online tonight that my body's age was catching up to reflect my soul. Perhaps that's the way with all of us. The day we die is the day they're in sync. Might explain why so many young ones die and people say they "passed before their time." No...their time came. If souls are recycled somehow.... okay, this is just way too deep and philosophical for me right now.

What am I as a friend to others? I'll sleep on that.

The White Party Thoughts

Where to begin? People say that a lot. "Where do I begin?" "How do I start?" You just do--or don't as the case may be with me at the moment.

Let me start with Tim Davis. He's an extraordinary man. Open. Kind. He's the type of soul that I knew/know is out there and one that I hope to become. He's friends with Bobby & Joey and lives in La Quinta. He offered his place to them so they wouldn't have to get a hotel for The White Party.
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----
My throat still has some weird taste to it. I need to figure out what is wrong.
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Artistic, world-educated, benevolent. Warm. Inviting. I would ask his advice on something and know that the answer would benefit me.

We arrived at his place. Someone named Billy was there. They were having cocktails and watching a very large flat screen TV. The dogs are Jake & Zoey. They like me. Tim said something about dogs and babies knowing people well. I said that babies stop crying when I hold them and dogs generally like me. Tim prepared a dinner for us. Joey helped make the salad. Bobby and I sat our asses and made polite conversation with Billy. My vibe was right again---to be proven the next morning.

The White Party--unorganized. I know I'm done with the scene because it holds no more life to me. It has been dead many times now and this last experience with friends lets me know that I'm in that next phase of life. I'm sad the way a child is sad that it no longer has a toy to play with. But I'm old enough to know that there are other toys to play with. Besides....it was never my favorite toy. So... now do I have to join a gym to exercise?

Sardines packed in light spring sweat. After finding the will call booth, doing a before picture with Alex-Dan, Joey-Bobby, seeing Wes, seeing Jeff, we got inside of the convention center and made our way to the center in front of the stage area for the MIDNIGHT show. One by one we fell off and only Bobby was left. He stayed there for two hours. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting for the alleged performance by Christina Aguilera. She never showed up. Instead, we get a very badly taped video of her reasons for not attending. The other performer wasn't as well known.

The best part of my $100 was about 3am when two gymnasts' bodies used a single trapeze to tangle themselves in moves set to music. The homo eroticism on top of the tremendous skill moved me to take pictures that I hope turn out.

I'm in the Koffee Klatch waiting for Mark. I think I should walk to Woody's.