A xmas party last night in Fullerton revealed time with lil Rey Rey. He's making Boise, ID a new residence. Paul was with me there. Will joined up and we all went to Lucky Sunday for Paul's introduction to the club world. Will had no I.D. and ended up going home. Paul knew people and I sat on a speaker watching the children at play. Art was there with Adrian and it was nice to hug him hello. A Graham and a Darius made my acquaintance while the frivolity of the evening winded down and I was ready for my bed at the 3am hour that I got home.
I have home to myself for the holidays.
Tonight is a full moon. It was pretty bright last night. I'm noticing the environment more as I pass through it. I think this happens more when I am less attached to the familiar things; people I normally feel close to. In a way it is probably me searching for something to be close to. The past few days it has been the air, the stars, the moon.
I look right and I see my adulthood in piles of paperwork. I look left and see my childhood in sentimental toys. I look forward to shoes that I walk in day to day. I look inside me....
I look.
Monday, December 24, 2007
Friday, December 21, 2007
Spread This Xmas Cheer!
Merry x-mas to all...and to all a good night...
Please share. I know this is more than a simple sentence to read, but indulge me for the holiday.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TC0kPPlU4DI
This breaks my heart to still see, hear & read almost 10 years after Matthew Sheppard and it's just one of many similar stories. This one has a voice. This one has faces and names. (and YouTube)
It's why I live here in SoCal.
It's why I feel safe....real or imagined.
It's why I continue to speak in colleges, high schools & community forums...
(It's why I'm crying here at work at my desk because so many of you just don't GET IT)
It's why I will not vote for ANY candidate who would not grant me equality without stipulations by trying to go the "separate but equal" route where I can sip marriage from that "other" water fountain.
it's why I believe that any of you other gays out there who allow yourself to think that you can only vote for someone who statistically the polls say actually has a chance of winning instead of someone who--without hesitation--would hand us marriage is essentially saying to yourself, "I'm not good enough to have what others have or even to ask for it so I'll settle for a candidate who will tolerate me but not accept me; someone who might get the ball rolling so that someday I can sit at the grown-up table but for now will pat me on the head with that look of 'someday' in their eye." I may have hated myself in many ways for many things over the years, but I've never hated myself that much. Why can you? And to those of you who may never get married or who say, "I don't hate myself, marriage just isn't an issue that affects me." I say, "Keep performing, Monkey. Keep performing."
And those of you who are straight and don't really get what all this noise is about or why it should matter so much.... just search the faces of the parents in the video and imagine now that it's your son or daughter.
Love,
ALL-ways,
j.r.me
Please share. I know this is more than a simple sentence to read, but indulge me for the holiday.
http://www.youtube.com/wat
This breaks my heart to still see, hear & read almost 10 years after Matthew Sheppard and it's just one of many similar stories. This one has a voice. This one has faces and names. (and YouTube)
It's why I live here in SoCal.
It's why I feel safe....real or imagined.
It's why I continue to speak in colleges, high schools & community forums...
(It's why I'm crying here at work at my desk because so many of you just don't GET IT)
It's why I will not vote for ANY candidate who would not grant me equality without stipulations by trying to go the "separate but equal" route where I can sip marriage from that "other" water fountain.
it's why I believe that any of you other gays out there who allow yourself to think that you can only vote for someone who statistically the polls say actually has a chance of winning instead of someone who--without hesitation--would hand us marriage is essentially saying to yourself, "I'm not good enough to have what others have or even to ask for it so I'll settle for a candidate who will tolerate me but not accept me; someone who might get the ball rolling so that someday I can sit at the grown-up table but for now will pat me on the head with that look of 'someday' in their eye." I may have hated myself in many ways for many things over the years, but I've never hated myself that much. Why can you? And to those of you who may never get married or who say, "I don't hate myself, marriage just isn't an issue that affects me." I say, "Keep performing, Monkey. Keep performing."
And those of you who are straight and don't really get what all this noise is about or why it should matter so much.... just search the faces of the parents in the video and imagine now that it's your son or daughter.
Love,
ALL-ways,
j.r.me
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Back It Up
Byron was kind enough to send a gift certificate to Best Buy with his xmas card. I decided to use it toward the purchase of an external drive to back up my laptop. I feel better now. So many memories encoded bit by bit at my fingertips each night could be blinked away.
Now... they can be blinked away in two different places. Maybe I should back them up on DVD's as well. (haha...nope, not that OCD here.)
As the machines do their talking, this Jeremy Machine is sitting down and looking to the sky to be restored. I don't think I had a backup. All of my memories are still chemically coded in my brain, but the programs and peripherals seem to be falling off. I reached a moment today with Randy that I also reached with Nathan during the Summer. It's hard to make healthy choices sometimes because in doing so that might mean cutting off an arm to save the body. Sometimes it is radiation therapy to make you sick before you can be well. With very few people in the world that I feel truly know me, it is very painful to have to distance and separate myself from the few who do. It is merely hope I have that the pain of severance will burden less than the pain of watching those who I love destroy themselves.
As one part of me gets shredded in a blender, a "smooth"ie appears. I have spent three evenings with someone new who I am not bored with and continue to want to learn more about. I'm completely aware that as stages of relationships go....I'm in an infantile and totally insignificant point to write anything substantial. I think the fact that I still decided to write at all is a reflection of the smile I have on my face right now.
There is all of this love that has been surfacing in me lately. I've been sharing it when appropriate. I've been singing it when desired. I've been handling it with care.
I'm still working on accepting it without fear.
Now... they can be blinked away in two different places. Maybe I should back them up on DVD's as well. (haha...nope, not that OCD here.)
As the machines do their talking, this Jeremy Machine is sitting down and looking to the sky to be restored. I don't think I had a backup. All of my memories are still chemically coded in my brain, but the programs and peripherals seem to be falling off. I reached a moment today with Randy that I also reached with Nathan during the Summer. It's hard to make healthy choices sometimes because in doing so that might mean cutting off an arm to save the body. Sometimes it is radiation therapy to make you sick before you can be well. With very few people in the world that I feel truly know me, it is very painful to have to distance and separate myself from the few who do. It is merely hope I have that the pain of severance will burden less than the pain of watching those who I love destroy themselves.
As one part of me gets shredded in a blender, a "smooth"ie appears. I have spent three evenings with someone new who I am not bored with and continue to want to learn more about. I'm completely aware that as stages of relationships go....I'm in an infantile and totally insignificant point to write anything substantial. I think the fact that I still decided to write at all is a reflection of the smile I have on my face right now.
There is all of this love that has been surfacing in me lately. I've been sharing it when appropriate. I've been singing it when desired. I've been handling it with care.
I'm still working on accepting it without fear.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Blackberry Mountain Climbing
It's just a feeling.... but I know it's going to be one of those nights. Long. Long. Long... and what will come out of it?
Saturday, December 08, 2007
An interesting distraction has been consuming time this past week. Facebook. Yes...I'm rolling my eyes as I type that. We'll come back to this...
Latest CD Compilation Creation:
TITLE: Residual Sense
1) MUSE - Time Is Running Out
2) JOE ANDERSON - Hey Jude
3) CHRISTOPHE WILLEM - Double Jeu
4) PM DAWN - I'd Die Without You
5) GROOVE ARMADA - I See You Baby (Shaking That Ass)
6) 311 - Beautiful Disaster
7) LEA SALONGA - Colors Of The Wind (Live)
8) CARMENRIZZO Feat.KATE HAVNEVIK - Travel In Time
9) EVERYTHING BUT THE GIRL - Missing
10) R.E.M. - Orange Crush
11) M PEOPLE - Moving On Up
12) G-PARK - You've Got Me Falling In Love (Club Mix)
13) JUNIOR JACK - E-Samba
14) JEFF BUCKLEY - Hallelujah
15) JULIA FORDHAM - Happy Ever After (Original Mix)
16) DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE - Soul Meets Body
17) COLDPLAY - Trouble (BT Remix)
I've been listening to it all week. I must say this is one of my better compilations. Horn. Toot Toot.
Facebook has an application called "Are YOU Interested?" and I've been meeting (virtually) guys from all over the world. Why am I doing this? First...it's fun. What's not fun about looking at cute guys and telling them that they're cute. Everyone likes a lil ego stroke now and again. Secondly, my comfort zone of the few close people to me needs to be pushed. What began in the Summer is growing. Now that the year is almost over and I sense some friendships that together have stayed the course for many years are beginning to diverge.
But more than these rationalizations...I have been feeling completely jacked into the world and the emotions I read on people's faces, words and silence. Rather than becoming a lunatic from this emotional barrage, I dive into Facebook. Wink.
Oh yea....I see you baby. Shaking that ass....
Latest CD Compilation Creation:
TITLE: Residual Sense
1) MUSE - Time Is Running Out
2) JOE ANDERSON - Hey Jude
3) CHRISTOPHE WILLEM - Double Jeu
4) PM DAWN - I'd Die Without You
5) GROOVE ARMADA - I See You Baby (Shaking That Ass)
6) 311 - Beautiful Disaster
7) LEA SALONGA - Colors Of The Wind (Live)
8) CARMENRIZZO Feat.KATE HAVNEVIK - Travel In Time
9) EVERYTHING BUT THE GIRL - Missing
10) R.E.M. - Orange Crush
11) M PEOPLE - Moving On Up
12) G-PARK - You've Got Me Falling In Love (Club Mix)
13) JUNIOR JACK - E-Samba
14) JEFF BUCKLEY - Hallelujah
15) JULIA FORDHAM - Happy Ever After (Original Mix)
16) DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE - Soul Meets Body
17) COLDPLAY - Trouble (BT Remix)
I've been listening to it all week. I must say this is one of my better compilations. Horn. Toot Toot.
Facebook has an application called "Are YOU Interested?" and I've been meeting (virtually) guys from all over the world. Why am I doing this? First...it's fun. What's not fun about looking at cute guys and telling them that they're cute. Everyone likes a lil ego stroke now and again. Secondly, my comfort zone of the few close people to me needs to be pushed. What began in the Summer is growing. Now that the year is almost over and I sense some friendships that together have stayed the course for many years are beginning to diverge.
But more than these rationalizations...I have been feeling completely jacked into the world and the emotions I read on people's faces, words and silence. Rather than becoming a lunatic from this emotional barrage, I dive into Facebook. Wink.
Oh yea....I see you baby. Shaking that ass....
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
The Trees of Fire Shade
Lyons For Lambs.
Crying.
I texted Lanny as I woke up this morning and let him know that my bed still smells like him. It was a comforting scent as I drifted back to sleep, staying home and sleeping off my sickness.
In about thirty minutes I'll be 33. As mom has often said, she doesn't feel like the age she is, even the 55 she turned on Sunday. I often find myself looking at my images and trying to find what it is that my age should be. I have always held that I would try and maintain my youthful outlook. Frolic. Keep playtime in my life. It's harder and harder to do those things when the people around you become more and more serious as the years pass by. Finding the balance in younger friends is not always the answer. It has provided some smiles in otherwise dark times. Being around other souls of my years with free spirits seems to be what I need to find.
I made a CD today called "Residual Sense."
Crying.
I texted Lanny as I woke up this morning and let him know that my bed still smells like him. It was a comforting scent as I drifted back to sleep, staying home and sleeping off my sickness.
In about thirty minutes I'll be 33. As mom has often said, she doesn't feel like the age she is, even the 55 she turned on Sunday. I often find myself looking at my images and trying to find what it is that my age should be. I have always held that I would try and maintain my youthful outlook. Frolic. Keep playtime in my life. It's harder and harder to do those things when the people around you become more and more serious as the years pass by. Finding the balance in younger friends is not always the answer. It has provided some smiles in otherwise dark times. Being around other souls of my years with free spirits seems to be what I need to find.
I made a CD today called "Residual Sense."
Love Is Not A Victory March
Awake.
More than just being it presently, it was a movie that we saw on Saturday. (Lanny, Mark, Nick and myself) Lanny's ticket stub and plane boarding pass are across the way on the corner of the table. For whatever sentimental reasons I have assigned, they cannot be thrown away yet.
Still.
Not just the freezing of movement, but the ongoing emotion that I feed with memories and thoughts of alternate realities. In this sojurn of singlehood it is still so surprising the swift jab that love can hit you with. Lanny will always be there in my heart. This was the most difficult time dropping him off at the airport. Sunday morning we laid in bed while I played Jeff Buckley singing "Hallelujah." Our fingers intertwined; my head turned away from him, silent tears swept across my face. This visit was the best we have had.
Holding hands used to mean so much. When it happens now, it still feels tremendous. It's the simplicity of human touch that reinforces the immunity of a newborn baby and nurtures us throughout the years.
More than just being it presently, it was a movie that we saw on Saturday. (Lanny, Mark, Nick and myself) Lanny's ticket stub and plane boarding pass are across the way on the corner of the table. For whatever sentimental reasons I have assigned, they cannot be thrown away yet.
Still.
Not just the freezing of movement, but the ongoing emotion that I feed with memories and thoughts of alternate realities. In this sojurn of singlehood it is still so surprising the swift jab that love can hit you with. Lanny will always be there in my heart. This was the most difficult time dropping him off at the airport. Sunday morning we laid in bed while I played Jeff Buckley singing "Hallelujah." Our fingers intertwined; my head turned away from him, silent tears swept across my face. This visit was the best we have had.
Holding hands used to mean so much. When it happens now, it still feels tremendous. It's the simplicity of human touch that reinforces the immunity of a newborn baby and nurtures us throughout the years.
