hot flashes

Flash heat when I think about the slowness of change. I think about this because of the high school class that I spoke in front of for PFLAG today. It was a great class; good questions. The "kids" (and man do they look like kids) were very insightful. We found out at the end of the class from one of the administrators that a parent had called to protest our presence there. Flash heat for sure.

Hahaha...remember that dream entry about the neighbor boy. We've since gained an evening of observation among friends. It's funny to see the ways he will try and find to speak with Randy. Flash heat. I'm not completely healed yet. Maybe my expectations are too high to be healed. I still love him. That had not ever been in question.

D.R. will be re-signing the lease with us, but will be looking to buy his own house before the end of the lease.

I stayed up last night IM-chatting with Alex, the newly crowned Miss WET Chunti Princess of the greater Inland Empire. He's such a nut. In some ways he reminds me of how I used to idealize before I made certain choices. I enjoyed picking apart websites until I realized I had to go to bed to wake up for the class this morning.

Smushy Time. Hahahaha... I love it.

open entries

I'm online right now talking with Alex. I was starting to discuss with him something that is really a private conversation to be had with Randy so I stopped. Mom just sent some cute pics of Sarah posing. It was a good interruption to my conversation.

The rain has been pelting for the last half hour. I like the sound. Maybe I'm just feeling really emotional today. I few times my eyes have welled up with tears. I began reading CONTACT by Carl Sagan. Two chapters in...so far, so good. I wonder if seeing the movie will have ruined any surprises. LOL

So something everyday that scares you, huh? I have that in my profile on AOL. How often do I follow that? Not enough. I think the things that scare me are the social constraints. I think that when I choose to do something out of the norm is when I draw attention to myself in what may commonly be thought to be a bad light. I think I'm pull out the asshole from the closet when I'm in those thoughts. I'm biting my lip right now and chewing off the dead skin. It's kind of like a metaphor.

I'm looking forward to the party that Bobby & Joey are having later tonight. It's been a while since they've had one at the house. I know I'll be crashing there already. Alex has mentioned that Danny wants to taste one of my full-o-alochol but cannot taste that shit drinks. How cute. The whole group of them are good to my soul. There's a strong sense of family when I'm hanging out with them. I think those wells have finally arrived.

I drink some water from my happy face cup because I think maybe that face on the cup could be mine. But it's not. It's just a cup. And the rain drowns out the sound of the keyboard.

criss cross colored thoughts

I woke up after my short 3 hours of sleep with a feeling of having to go to the bathroom but being too lazy to get up. I was comfy. Warm. Why lose that so that my bladder could feel better? I guess because the warmth from peeing in bed would soon fade and then it would be cold, uncomfortable and smelly. See.....the child doesn't always win in my head.

My brain isn't quite aware that the rest of my body still wants to be asleep. I have today to myself. No work. I've paid all my bills, made plans for tonight to hang out with Chuck & Ken; Art & his new Beau. Randy & I will be on the other end of the relationship spectrum, neither dating or trying to figure out if we will develop into boyfriends, but an actual couple discussing opening up a joint savings account. I'm so much in love that it scares me.

I started writing an entry last night about how I feel this duality in me. Randy and I are talking about buying a home; planning. It's that dream I've wanted. Oh...demons within. The boy with the dream reached through the mirror with no reflection and lived another life for a while. Would Randy love the person I was at 18? Nine years has darkened me. Maybe it's given me a contrast to compare. Maybe an apple once bitten reveals the waxy truth nothing is what it seems. Have the experiences and walks outside of my box delivered me--as I am today--wrapped in a bow? (Imperfections as well as my teddy bear arms)

I got an e-mail back from Marthalee. I'm trying to plan a roadtrip to Seattle the week of Labor Day. The drive would be nice. Mt. Shasta...blue skies, green trees. I close my eyes and inhale.

"Ain't No Sunshine"

My last entry had been so long in between that I didn't change the format of how the date was displayed. That OCD part of me wants to go back and fix it. That inconsistent, "who cares" part of me is winning out today.

I start work in one hour. I've just finished going through e-mail. Chuck is online in the Boston Cyber community looking for lodging information. It's prompted a short, but tasty conversation about call boys and slaves. Okay. Done with that.

I think I'm standing up today. I'm gonna use some crutches. Maybe some knee pads.

stumpy

I just feel inside like I keep falling down and skinning my knees and everytime I stand up I fall down again.

That's not normal, right?

j.r.me