Fantasmic Fantasies

"3:34am We were asleep in the dark and as much as it was what I dreamt about, it was the darkness that I felt creeping in as inevitable as the moment when he would say he had to leave. So I'm crying now. Steady tears from the corners of my eyes, down the bridge of my nose; trickles wiped now and again by the palm of my hand. Oh what pain it is to type this.

He held my hand as we walked down the stairs. I began to cry at that moment. It felt like being gently led out of the closeness to which we had been slowly moving toward over the past two months. I could have protected myself, but that would've meant not being open---not allowing him to see me. (And I wanted him to see everything.) Blink. Blink.

I just wanted to sit and talk with Ryan tonight about where it is that we're going. No, relationships are not perfect roadmaps drawn to scale. I realize this. I also realize that we both start school next week. Time becomes compressed for each of us. Time to spend with each other shifts. I have refrained from the sexual part of our relationship developing to the most intimate levels because I want to be sure that whatever it is we have is something that each of us wants beyond this week or month, but for the future as well. I also cannot allow myself to give and take completely when I know that there is a time limit to how long he can be in my bed. It's like waking to an emptiness after sharing my full heart; removing my amorous armor so that he can touch and take where few have been. I will not explore him that deeply either when I cannot smell his hair in the morning and exchange kisses as the sun rises. And I just wanted to sit and talk about all of this.

But I'm alone in my bed. I'm alone instead."