The boy next door.....

....does not have his penis hanging out of his pants for the world to see. So imagine my surprise when one describes themselves as "the boy next door" in their online profile and you click on their picture to see their genitals. Maybe I'm just not looking at my neighbors close enough. I have been known to miss details. I'll have to open my eyes more.

Boy next door my ass... oh wait, wrong picture.

Though i was so fragile

Though i was so fragile in his arms, it was love that assured he would never break me.

I named the songs, but not the artists

"Get It On (Bang A Gong)" by T. Rex from the 70's and then covered in the 80's by The Power Station.

"Rhythm Is A Dancer" by Snap. Randy was correct.

The O-Bar... like a gay Opah.

Eternal Infinity

I forced myself to go to lunch today and be out among people. It was the right thing to do. (Today anyway) Being off meds I hit low again Wed/Thur. So back on. "Sucks" is the only word I can really come up with. It sucks to feel broken and to know that there is nothing that I can do myself to fix it without some type of drug intervention. Relying on something else is worse than relying on a person. At least with a person they can earn that respect. A thing earns nothing, gains nothing, and yet gives semblance of balance to me. It allows me to wake up in the morning without feeling like I'm paralyzed in bed.

Marvelously broken.
Sanity, my friend in the far corner of the mirror, a reflection of the picture I hold together.

Justice League

Hot. Aquaman vs. Superman on tonight's Smallville. It's been too long not having sex, but I've been doing it on purpose and of course EVERYTHING is on high alert. How long can a version of being good last?

v1.2
v1.3

v2.0

Parasomnias - Sonambulism

Lyrics
"Somnambulist"
by BT


so little time some little time
so frustrated

some little joy so little joy
it's complicated

so little time some little time time
to work it on out

yeah yeah

so little joy some little joy
it's complicated

I feel I'm stumbling in the dark
somnambulated

I feel my heart's again?the sparks
I'm praying for love

love love
praying for love

some little joy some little joy
it's complicated

some little time some little time
my hearts been faded

some little hope some little hope
and I pray again for love

love love
is more than enough

simply being loved loved loved
simply being loved loved loved
simply being loved loved loved
is more than enough

yeah yeah

simply being loved loved loved
simply being loved loved loved
simply being loved loved loved
is more than enough

yeah yeah

simply being loved
yeah yeah

is more than enough
yeah yeah

simply being loved
yeah

is more than enough

some little joy some little joy
it's complicated

some little time some little time
be acclimated

some little hope some little hope
and I'm prayin' out with love

yeah

some little time to make some change
been isolating

a thousand years of time and space
somnambulating

I'm stumbling wounded in the dark
but I'm praying still for love

love love

prayin for
love love love

simply being loved
love love

simply being loved loved loved
simply being loved loved loved
simply being loved loved loved
is more than enough

yeah yeah

simply being loved
yeah
is more than enough

some little joy some little joy
it's complicated

some little time some little time
so frustrated

some little hope some little hope
and I'm praying still for love

love
yeah

praying for love

the little hope some little time
it's so frustrating

I feel I'm stumbling in the dark
somnambulated

I feel my heart's again?the sparks
but I'm praying still for love

yeah

yeah yeah

I'm in love

yeah yeah

to simply be

yeah yeah

I'm in love

yeah yeah

simply being loved loved loved
simply being loved loved loved
simply being loved loved loved
is more than enough

yeah yeah

simply being loved loved loved
simply being loved loved loved
simply being loved loved loved
is more than enough

yeah yeah

simply being loved
yeah yeah

simply being loved
yeah yeah

simply being loved
yeah yeah

simply being loved
yeah

simply being loved
is more than enough

simply being loved
is more than enough

simply being loved
is more than enough

simply being loved
is more than enough

yeah

Aeon Flux

I am looking forward to seeing Charlize Theron in Aeon Flux.

Reeses Pieces

Justin Berfield is such a lil hottie. He is truly growing into his skin. That was really the only purpose of me writing.

Serenity

How easily we forget what it is. It seemed so clear to me in the ten seconds from my car door to the front door. The rain had just begun to pick up. One last flash of bright sky and I thought of grandma while turning the key to walk inside. I had every intention of writing as soon as I reached my room. Instead, I got to my room and a shower seemed needed. The water. Always something soothing about water. From rain to shower. But I got out and turned the TV on. Crossing Jordan was on. I've never watched the show all the way through before, but something was entertaining enough about it this evening.

So what got me thinking about serenity? I went and saw the movie tonight. Sci-fi meets Josh Whedon's dry humor. The movie ends talking about the first rule of flying being love. It's really the first rule of everything. Movie times by myself are a brief period of serenity for me. Sometimes writing can be. I think of something that Ken says, "Why fight life?" ((Which reminds me of the dinner we had last Wednesday where the ambiance consisted of a light house, the golden gate bridge and a Chinese dragon. I don't know if it was because I am sensing things more deeply again, he being changed out of school or some combination, but that night was the most I have ever seen of Ken as a person since I've known him.)) The saying makes me think of serenity because not fighting life would seem to suggest that one is in the moment and going with the flow of things. It may not be what I would always choose, but it's something that I think about.

I felt my soul in the rain outside. It hailed. My favorite Southpark episode is on TV right now. Mario wants to have dinner tomorrow night.

====================
====================
Beautifully blue
crispy cold kisses on my bare parts
a musty migration
and the blue sky cries
grieving gray
shivering shady shards

a sun still in the distance

====
====
Serenity

Little Moments of Maple Syrup

Hey, if you prefer blueberry.... change the title in your own head. Just said goodnight to the last of the friends over for a night of poker. Not so much poker going on, but plenty of interaction. It was a long day for me. Started last night with Randy and I going to Boy's Room.

I typed with Jorge online today. That left me feeling inside myself. I admitted that I wanted to be both single and in a relationship. This is why it is not right for me to be dating right now. It isn't a person who comes along to change that in me, it's me to change that in myself. Or not.

Sunday already. I plan on sleeping a lot.

The new roommate is a quiet mystery and a reflective soul. I am poised to accept input.

testing from my phone

testing from my phone

Cruising Altitude

I'm coming into my natural instincts again. I'm three weeks off meds. Three weeks working. I'm beginning to sense the emotions of those around me again. It's odd how subtle a change it is. It's my catch-22. I feel more like myself now, but I'm also aware of being tired and moody. I'm trying to compensate by taking naps, eating regularly and taking supplements. While the meds "magically" fill the neurotransmitter void, they rob me of something intrinsic; the absence of which is like having a sense of a lost limb.

I was supposed to be asleep an hour ago. I almost finished my "to do" list. Tomorrow it will start over and I can already sense the RockStar energy drink that will kick it off.

The Hot & Cold of Leather Seats

I just listened to a message that made my weekend. Yes, true, I make my weekend. I choose this, that, the other thing. There be no islands in America. (Do not take me literally) I've been enjoying myself anyway, but this phone message just made me smile ear to ear. (That's a funny picture.) Friday night was I was in a knot because I had not heard from Nathan about what the plans for the weekend were. I felt like I was on hold to plan but all the time knowing that I was putting that hold on myself because of an expectation of having Randy, Nathan and I together. After a long nap, I felt no better and forced myself to go out. Joshua (Gray) and his friend were also going out. Round off the group with Eddy and an evening in West Hollywood was actually a nice removal from the brooding of my bedroom.

When I received a voice mail from Nathan on Saturday morning. I was ambivalent about calling him back. Randy was already on his way down to Ensenada. I opted out of the trip because I didn't feel like the long drive there nor did I wish to spend the night. On the drive home from WeHo, there was a voice mail message from lil Alex (Salcedo). It was an invite to his 24th birthday party at Eye Candy. Another chapter passing before my eyes. I've known Alex since he was 18. He was at my 26th birthday party. I've listened to countless grunts from Randy about the boy. I thought it was a very kind gesture that he remembered me and cared enough to call to let me know about the gathering considering I have not hung out with him in years.
An idea was forming in my head that if someone who I am not close to on any daily level wants me somewhere that they're going to be and a friend who I've contacted to try and make plans doesn't get back to me that I should probably go where I've been invited. It was a hard, but easy choice.

Saturday daytime was mostly spent cleaning here and there. Joshua and his friend, Michael, stayed most of the day. We joined Art & AJ for lunch at Wendy's and took in some Coldstone afterward. Mmmm.... I made my own concoction of Vanilla Bean ice cream, white chocolate chips, crunch bar and almonds. (I could go for some more, actually.) Eric texted me and that put a smile on my face. He came over for a couple hours and we spent most of the time together on the computer looking at profiles, downloading music and then playing Smash Bros. until Rey & Charlene arrived. Then he went home in his car while my car took the other two to pick up Eddy so we could go to Eye Candy. I stayed long enough to remember the group of friends I don't see too much. Alex's roommate, Danny, the son of a preacher man. Bobby was there. (Sans Joey, of course.)

My car moved on down Santa Monica Blvd. to the main strip area and we had drinks at Motherlode and then danced at Rage. Eddy found a way to get himself thrown out. Then he found a way to let me leave him there as I drove the other two back to my house.

The phone message that I just listened to was from Martin. He left it at 2:42 a.m. That was the exact time of the ordeal trying to find Eddy and get him to my car to leave WeHo. I was not smiling at all during that time. My energy must've been pulling for something special to sling-shot me back to myself. (Although always myself) So I'm still smiling... and today is going to be beautiful & bright.

Tell me Quando....quando....quando.

Coming Out Month

I see him caught between the comfort of what he knows and the desire of what he doesn't.

An Jenem Tag

I used to get instant bloody noses from the heat of Summer. Heat period. It's that kind of hot in my room right now. I have a headache forming behind my eyes. I have a smile on my face.

Human weaving is such a craft. I seem very skilled at it with lives that are not emotionally charged with my own. Making time with Mario doesn't seem to be working. Flipside. Spending time with Eric has been effortless and warm. Perhaps the fact that we can truly share nothing of value beyond ourselves makes it so effortless. I can here Joe Ortiz in my head saying, "Just enjoy it for what it is." I try, but knowing myself means knowing that if physical enjoyment is not going to progress to something emotional, then it's little more than working at a job for the paycheck. I try not to overthink. I take the kisses. I inhale the silence. I dream of conversations that end in kisses.

This new job of mine seems to be going well. After two weeks, I'm still not adjusting to the 6am wake-up schedule. I've been taking naps as soon as I get home each afternoon. I purposely forced myself awake today. I think that has added to this headache that grows with each keystroke.

Nathan will be in San Diego with his family all the rest of the week through Sunday. There has been talk of going to Ensenada on Saturday. My first trip to Mexico for pleasure? I'd just be happy laughing it up anywhere with Nathan and Randy. Sitting by a pool with a drink. Talking about the nothing that keeps us happy. Hearing the lil sounds that are ours and ours alone. Definitions of our persons.

I talked to Byron briefly about our trip to Mom's for Thanksgiving. There is as much communication between us as the toll booth personnel.

I can't wait to rest my eyes and start dreaming.

4th Quarter Kickoff

I wake up in grandma's afghan. My room is cool, but not cold. One would not freeze because even at 10a.m. it is apparent that the day's warmth is going to be shining through the window soon enough. It was 3:38a.m. the last time I bothered to hunt down the time. I tailed Sebastian to his home from the club, Fire Island, in Long Beach. Today is his 26th birthday and it was celebrated with a cross-section of his friends last night at The Yardhouse and then dancing. (Kevin & Eddy, Matt & Patricio, Chris & Javier, Ed, Meike, Kelly & Shawn, Joanna, John & Wade, Victor & Erica, Mark and Andrea. I don't believe I've forgotten anyone.)

I have the potential for two new girlfriends: Meike and Andrea.

While waiting to be seated, I felt a tap on my back. It was Arturo walking by. He, Luis, Sedrick & Aries had just finished eating and were on their way over to Jeff & Guy's place for the evening. I felt happiness in seeing him, strangeness in not being introduced to Luis and something wistful about the notion of hanging out at Jeff & Guy's. All together, it's that feeling I get when I am no long part of something that I have brought together; like the children you have brought into the world who are now making their own decisions.

I'm trying something new. No more speed dial on the cell phone. I'm forcing myself to know everyone's phone number. Not only is it an exercise for the mind, it's remaining closer than convenience. Hmm...CLOSER THAN CONVENIENCE, a poem or song title.