Rainy Eyes

3:46am Emotion taxes. I bet Bush can't help cut those this year or any other. Doubtful that any president has that kind of power. Without an Emotional Tax, we would hardly value the emotion itself. If we could have something effortlessly, without work, then what would be the incentive or drive for wanting it? The perfect example for me is pretty much anything that I have applied myself in work-wise. The jobs are incredibly easy on the task level and therefore I've never really held any value (save my paycheck) with any of the jobs I've had.

I've learned to value the effort it takes in maintaining and sustaining a relationship. It isn't always easy. There are long periods of time that are easy, but there are also intense moments when emotions are strained. I didn't realize how much I cared for Ryan until there was a moment when I knew he wouldn't be coming by anymore. I realized how much he had begun to shape in my world and how I liked that.

I went driving around today. I rushed a shower so that I could make it to IVC by 2pm for my student I.D. card. I walked through the door as the attendant was going to lock it. I could see on his face that he didn't want to let me in, but I forced my way through anyway. The clock in his office still showed 5 minutes til. I liked the picture. When I left the campus, the sun was out, sky was blue, my windows were down and I smiled I think for the first time all week. (A smile that wasn't forced or done in the presence of company.) The music was happy. As I drove down Irvine Center Drive, I thought about Ryan and my smile went away. I responded to an e-mail that he wrote me last night and said was as open and forthright as I think I can be without opening my brain up for inspection.

I spent some time with Mark tonight. I called Ryan. As we were talking and I was driving home I came to the 22/605 FWY split and instinct told me to drive to his house. I felt myself start to fight the instinct off but if I haven't learned to trust it yet I don't know when that lesson will be learned. As I'm sitting on the sidewalk, talking to him, leaning against a tree, I heard the front door open. I thought for sure it was him coming outside, but I was wrong. It was his sister's boyfriend leaving. Here I was looking suspcious lurking out in front of the house, crying, sniffling and he walks right by me to get to his truck. My heart skipped a beat when I thought it was Ryan coming out.

He needs space. I need to give it. And look... school is just four days away.