He leaves a shirt behind and I find myself smelling it. It's a turn-on. It's a scent of memory. Even the lingering cigarettes that turn me off somehow add to the inhalation. He'll never ask for it back, and the moment will never be shared again; another moment that gets recorded and filed and loved for what it was.
I was never built for memories like this. Glossy eyes.
So I've taken to cleaning my room because I've let it go for too long. Mail in piles. Papers to file. (Most probably trash to sift through and discard) So many clothes to wash. I start dusting the top shelf and as I remove the picture sand sculptures I get the idea that the whole arrangement of items on all the shelves need to be changed. I flash back to the time when I would re-arrange the way my bedroom furniture was placed every 3 months or so. Looking at the task ahead, I think that I should stop typing for now and pick up later.... (8:02pm)
(10:24pm).... I get tired of cleaning. Hunger is strong enough for me to consider actually going out and grabbing fast food. The tums I took two hours ago have worn off.
Calls from Eddy on his breaks interrupted the cleaning process briefly. The boy constantly reminds me of the things I can't have and of the desires that exist and rarely get attention from me. I've been wondering what has had my libido in overdrive the past few weeks. At dinner with Matt last night he suggested it's just me cutting lose and having fun. I know better. True, I'm exerting my single-self much more than I have since Randy and I parted, but there's something more here. I still haven't pin-pointed it yet. Hell.... I have the Summer if I want it.
Tyler came over yesterday. It's the first time I've seen him since we stopped dating. When my mind starts to play doubts, it controls all of my body. The heat output, the heart rate; the sexual performance, the words that I can find to speak. It's at these times that drugs have always helped to quiet my mind.
Tangerine Sours Altoids will never be looked at the same anymore.
Tuesday, June 29, 2004
Friday, June 25, 2004
Questions in a Mirror
Slightly behind the times, I'm indulging in the cell phone ringtone download world tonight.
I'm reflective tonight. Hours and hours of sleep yesterday. What would my life be like had I gone and lived in Destin for a while? Would I still be there? Would I have as much trepidation in dating had I left Randy six months into our relationship instead of waiting two years? Hmm... I suppose I waited longer to jump back into dating after Laney than I have after Randy. (Not that 1 1/2 years is really jumping, I suppose.) Would I be so staunchly independent today if I were nurtured differently? Will it ever feel "normal" to be around people that I perceive to be well-adjusted?
Will I ever write? (Beyond here)
I'm reflective tonight. Hours and hours of sleep yesterday. What would my life be like had I gone and lived in Destin for a while? Would I still be there? Would I have as much trepidation in dating had I left Randy six months into our relationship instead of waiting two years? Hmm... I suppose I waited longer to jump back into dating after Laney than I have after Randy. (Not that 1 1/2 years is really jumping, I suppose.) Would I be so staunchly independent today if I were nurtured differently? Will it ever feel "normal" to be around people that I perceive to be well-adjusted?
Will I ever write? (Beyond here)
Thursday, June 24, 2004
Gen X-er
I saw Brian Malmgreen tonight. He was driving a black hummer. Phil and I were walking in the back alley between Woody's and The Boom when a voice called form the window of the vehicle, "Jeremy Press Stay Guard!" I turned, squinted, and then realized who it was. His face was much more full-figured than I had ever seen it before. (Of course, the last time I had seen him was at least 7-8 years ago. We were children.) Strangely coincidental, earlier in the night I was talking to Phil about long distance relationships and how Brian was my only one when I lived in Sacramento.
Tuesday, June 22, 2004
My Saturday Night fades to Tuesday
1:11am
Home. It's this bedroom Irvine; this pillow I rest against. The room smells different. I changed the wall plug-in before going on my date and I've returned to the scent not quite knowing if I like it yet. It's pleasant and clean but it's different from what I'm used to.
Dating. Different than what I'm used to. This mixing of people in my life is not safe or easy to predict the outcome. It's risky. I might love someone again. I might hurt them. They might scar me. I might be happy. They might make that certain sound one makes while being held--a sigh that puts a smile on my face. Sometimes I look into their eyes and I melt away walls and borders. Most of the time I see through them. In true Jeremy form, I broke all the "rules" that I set in my head during this evening with Jeff. We talked about ex's; we went to a movie. Haha. In true Jeremy form... I just went with what I was feeling and not what I was thinking. I'm glad that I did and I'll be glad to do it again sometime soon.
LA Gay Pride Festival was this last weekend. I have vague recollections and flashes of Saturday. Sunday is much clearer. I deprived myself of so much sleep while polluting my body with libations with little nutritional components. I've decided that Jaeger is my memory loss trigger. I spent much of the weekend with Jeremy Irvine and his roommate, Brian. Cardwell was with me on Saturday. I never actually went into the festival itself.
I'm tired... trying to recount all of the funnies of the weekend I'm losing myself in thought. My "recollations" aren't so great. Popov (pop-off) isn't just a vodka.
Sade. I might just smile.
Home. It's this bedroom Irvine; this pillow I rest against. The room smells different. I changed the wall plug-in before going on my date and I've returned to the scent not quite knowing if I like it yet. It's pleasant and clean but it's different from what I'm used to.
Dating. Different than what I'm used to. This mixing of people in my life is not safe or easy to predict the outcome. It's risky. I might love someone again. I might hurt them. They might scar me. I might be happy. They might make that certain sound one makes while being held--a sigh that puts a smile on my face. Sometimes I look into their eyes and I melt away walls and borders. Most of the time I see through them. In true Jeremy form, I broke all the "rules" that I set in my head during this evening with Jeff. We talked about ex's; we went to a movie. Haha. In true Jeremy form... I just went with what I was feeling and not what I was thinking. I'm glad that I did and I'll be glad to do it again sometime soon.
LA Gay Pride Festival was this last weekend. I have vague recollections and flashes of Saturday. Sunday is much clearer. I deprived myself of so much sleep while polluting my body with libations with little nutritional components. I've decided that Jaeger is my memory loss trigger. I spent much of the weekend with Jeremy Irvine and his roommate, Brian. Cardwell was with me on Saturday. I never actually went into the festival itself.
I'm tired... trying to recount all of the funnies of the weekend I'm losing myself in thought. My "recollations" aren't so great. Popov (pop-off) isn't just a vodka.
Sade. I might just smile.
Wednesday, June 16, 2004
Working Bathrooms
This was worth of a quick note... So I'm in the bathroom at work and I flush the urinal that I'm at. As I'm zipping up, another guy is entering the bathroom, can obviously see me standing at the urinal and sees that I just flushed. I turn around and walk to go toward the sinks which are direction behind where I was standing. The guy is directly in my path as he's coming in the door so he holds the door open for me as if I was just going to walk out without washing my hands. When he realizes that I'm not walking through the door he lets it go and walks all the way to the end stall and closes the door as I'm washing my hands.
Two things came to mind... 1) eeew.. that he thought I wasn't going to wash my hands and that means he must not wash his and 2) EEEEWWWWWWW... he was going into the stall and probably wasn't going to wash his hands.
SIDENOTE: Konrad tells me he doesn't even use his hands on the lever... he kicks it with his foot. ::shaking head and looking down::
Two things came to mind... 1) eeew.. that he thought I wasn't going to wash my hands and that means he must not wash his and 2) EEEEWWWWWWW... he was going into the stall and probably wasn't going to wash his hands.
SIDENOTE: Konrad tells me he doesn't even use his hands on the lever... he kicks it with his foot. ::shaking head and looking down::
Tuesday, June 15, 2004
Egregious Love
I'm awake from another day of night sleep. Feels nice. The last two nights I have collapsed in bed in exhaustion and woken up not with the rising sun's rays coming through the window on me, but the light gray reflection from the light bouncing off the clouds. I've been dreaming. While I remember images, I don't remember content. I seem to have an impression of a lot of physical activity in the dreams because I wake up and my body feels like I've been using it.
I also wake up alone. I'm on my side and I'm holding a scrunched up blanket between my arms & legs. I have my arms around something without substance. I made a comment to Cardwell last night after dinner that I knew I had become "okay" with being single again when the sober days/nights started to outweigh the altered ones; such truth in the passing thoughts. I know that the random sex of the past week has really got me started on feeling that piece of me that wants to be tender and hold someone.
So I roll over and check my e-mail. There's one from Mack at Jam On It Productions, summarizing the events of Slink that took place Saturday Night going on Sunday morning. I, of course, was working. I had planned on going since earlier in the year when I thought I would be off of the graveyard schedule. Mack is someone that I met through Gabby back in my DanceSafe days. My famous smoking pot for the first time through a bong story would never have brought so many laughter had it not been for Mack offering one day. As I look back on my interactions with Mack, I never really got to know him, but I always had a sense of his good intentions. That's a very rare thing to find in someone who is dealing drugs. VERY rare indeed. As I floated out of the rave, nightclub, circuit scene, I also lost touch with a lot of people involved in it.
Reading his review of Slinky, I started crying a little bit because his examples of people having a good time, pulling together, helping to clean the event; these things embody what it is that I see lacking in everyday life between the cultures of the world. These are the things that I feel all the time when I'm walking down a sidewalk, driving around on streets, swimming in the ocean. It's a pool of energy that carries me through each day and that I try and share as much as possible----and that will be my life-long struggle. Sharing something of myself that I was conditioned to keep hidden.
Today is "my" Sunday evening. Since I've changed my sleep patterns, looks like I'll be pulling an all-nighter.
"Rapture" - IIO (Deep Dish Remix)... I lay back, close my eyes and think: "Sugar, you make my soul complete, rapture tastes so sweet." ::shivers::
I also wake up alone. I'm on my side and I'm holding a scrunched up blanket between my arms & legs. I have my arms around something without substance. I made a comment to Cardwell last night after dinner that I knew I had become "okay" with being single again when the sober days/nights started to outweigh the altered ones; such truth in the passing thoughts. I know that the random sex of the past week has really got me started on feeling that piece of me that wants to be tender and hold someone.
So I roll over and check my e-mail. There's one from Mack at Jam On It Productions, summarizing the events of Slink that took place Saturday Night going on Sunday morning. I, of course, was working. I had planned on going since earlier in the year when I thought I would be off of the graveyard schedule. Mack is someone that I met through Gabby back in my DanceSafe days. My famous smoking pot for the first time through a bong story would never have brought so many laughter had it not been for Mack offering one day. As I look back on my interactions with Mack, I never really got to know him, but I always had a sense of his good intentions. That's a very rare thing to find in someone who is dealing drugs. VERY rare indeed. As I floated out of the rave, nightclub, circuit scene, I also lost touch with a lot of people involved in it.
Reading his review of Slinky, I started crying a little bit because his examples of people having a good time, pulling together, helping to clean the event; these things embody what it is that I see lacking in everyday life between the cultures of the world. These are the things that I feel all the time when I'm walking down a sidewalk, driving around on streets, swimming in the ocean. It's a pool of energy that carries me through each day and that I try and share as much as possible----and that will be my life-long struggle. Sharing something of myself that I was conditioned to keep hidden.
Today is "my" Sunday evening. Since I've changed my sleep patterns, looks like I'll be pulling an all-nighter.
"Rapture" - IIO (Deep Dish Remix)... I lay back, close my eyes and think: "Sugar, you make my soul complete, rapture tastes so sweet." ::shivers::
Sunday, June 13, 2004
WeHo Ho HO
After Guy's 40th b-day party at Hamburger Mary's in Long Beach, Cardwell drove my ass up to WeHo to go condo shopping with Justin & Jeffrey. It was great... I slept in the car while they toured the condos. Lovely.
Now I'm in their apartment and I'm watching the process of buying a home unfold. Couples discussing their likes and dislikes; the fears of long-term committment coming up; the reality of 1/2 a million dollars being offered like one was picking up the latest Fall fashion.
I've heard, "Shit or get off the pot." and " What are you waiting for?" Life lessons.
Now I'm in their apartment and I'm watching the process of buying a home unfold. Couples discussing their likes and dislikes; the fears of long-term committment coming up; the reality of 1/2 a million dollars being offered like one was picking up the latest Fall fashion.
I've heard, "Shit or get off the pot." and " What are you waiting for?" Life lessons.
The Giddy Groins of 1-hr Sleepville
Delirious. I feel it. It's coming. Rain... feel it on my fingertips... But wait, there's no rain.. so what is it I'm talking about?
Doesn't matter. Cardwell wanted to find a drive-thru gas station. When he said that out loud, I immediately had to get on the phone and call Nathan. He sounds well and gald that the appendix burst is over with.
It's just my luck that something in my eye would stop a potentially awesome experience from happening. I'm sure there's some metaphor I could make about seeing things clearly, choices, etc... but dammit I wanted to have fun and it appears that forces worked against that. Drat! Round two.. perhaps.
Doesn't matter. Cardwell wanted to find a drive-thru gas station. When he said that out loud, I immediately had to get on the phone and call Nathan. He sounds well and gald that the appendix burst is over with.
It's just my luck that something in my eye would stop a potentially awesome experience from happening. I'm sure there's some metaphor I could make about seeing things clearly, choices, etc... but dammit I wanted to have fun and it appears that forces worked against that. Drat! Round two.. perhaps.
Friday, June 11, 2004
Sagittarius & Taurus
I didn't want to leave my bed, and yet the plague of being responsible and going to work is relentless. There is a scent that lingers on me and that's nice.
So now what? This is where I would actually sit myself down and say that I think too much. It doesn't "mean" anything. It can't, because he won't let it and I know better. So there. Done. Simple. Gee, how easily the brain can compact the complexity of human emotion into a logic that we seldom actually follow. That is, what makes us human. Or is it what is left of a primitive animal that we have yet phase out? I'll never have the answer as there isn't one.
Too much to drink though... It is the impediment of alcohol that also drops guards to their knees. In this respect it would be nice to have the impediment at all times, but this dream must be laid to rest like all the others that I can't remember---in this way I can be at peace.
Hahahaha....Cardwell told me not to go home on my lunch break.
So now what? This is where I would actually sit myself down and say that I think too much. It doesn't "mean" anything. It can't, because he won't let it and I know better. So there. Done. Simple. Gee, how easily the brain can compact the complexity of human emotion into a logic that we seldom actually follow. That is, what makes us human. Or is it what is left of a primitive animal that we have yet phase out? I'll never have the answer as there isn't one.
Too much to drink though... It is the impediment of alcohol that also drops guards to their knees. In this respect it would be nice to have the impediment at all times, but this dream must be laid to rest like all the others that I can't remember---in this way I can be at peace.
Hahahaha....Cardwell told me not to go home on my lunch break.
Thursday, June 10, 2004
Ice on Fire
One of the joys of working graveyard is that this is the time of night when all of the systems we use for work go through maintenance. What? You want me to perform a change on your account? You want me to actually help you? I'm sorry, I apologize; you're shit outta luck. =)
So what's left to do? Quiet time with myself. Chit-chat with the co-workers. Listening to music. Writing. Yes, writing for another 1 1/2 hours before lunchtime.
I heard from Cardwell today that Nathan was in the E.R. because of possible appendicitis. What's next? I tell you, this health stuff is really a pain. Super Size Me! (Movie reference)
I spent the better part of yesterday morning playing Custom Robo on The Game Cube. I finally had to stop when I couldn't take reading the storyline any longer.
There was a wonderful BBQ gathering at the house on Sunday. I thought maybe 10 people would show. I think there were 25 there. Mom showed up. My new cell phone --of 3 days--found out that hiding under the water in the spa was not conducive to staying on. Furthermore, the toaster oven is not the most hospitable place for a cell phone's back cover to dry off in. It resembled a colorform more than it did a cell phone cover by the time I was done with it there. Famous last words? (Which I don't remember speaking, but will take the words of my friends...) "I know what I'm doing, I'm in tech support." Oh the many giggles we get from imbibing.
6:45am... 1hr, 45min from freedom for the day. I think about what I want to get accomplished. Do I want to enjoy another day secluded in the house playing video games or do I need to be out in the sun? I need to get in touch with Marthalee. The thought has been in my head for a while now. I've also been preoccupied with thoughts from conversations with Cardwell about Eddy, about growing old, about selling his place and moving. I've been thinking about being single now and how the surge of independence is fueling my actions lately. (And though being single and content for the first time in over a year, I'm still entertaining the thoughts of "what if?")
Monday night was the second time I ate at the Yukon Mining Co. restaurant on Santa Monica Blvd. I went with Ali after a new "alternative" club opening flopped at The World building. I'm not sure if it was drag queen night or transgender meeting grounds. I do know that I was way outside of my element and I was reminded of that daily goal to do one thing each day that scares you. I was definitely not comfortable and I have been wondering about that feeling ever since. There is a power that emanates from this small community when they are together. I sense that even among their loud and caddy conversations, snickering about each other, they would be unified in a second should anyone in that restaurant disparage them in any way. I think what really scared were the johns more than the femmes. Yes, I just figured that out right now typing.
So what's left to do? Quiet time with myself. Chit-chat with the co-workers. Listening to music. Writing. Yes, writing for another 1 1/2 hours before lunchtime.
I heard from Cardwell today that Nathan was in the E.R. because of possible appendicitis. What's next? I tell you, this health stuff is really a pain. Super Size Me! (Movie reference)
I spent the better part of yesterday morning playing Custom Robo on The Game Cube. I finally had to stop when I couldn't take reading the storyline any longer.
There was a wonderful BBQ gathering at the house on Sunday. I thought maybe 10 people would show. I think there were 25 there. Mom showed up. My new cell phone --of 3 days--found out that hiding under the water in the spa was not conducive to staying on. Furthermore, the toaster oven is not the most hospitable place for a cell phone's back cover to dry off in. It resembled a colorform more than it did a cell phone cover by the time I was done with it there. Famous last words? (Which I don't remember speaking, but will take the words of my friends...) "I know what I'm doing, I'm in tech support." Oh the many giggles we get from imbibing.
6:45am... 1hr, 45min from freedom for the day. I think about what I want to get accomplished. Do I want to enjoy another day secluded in the house playing video games or do I need to be out in the sun? I need to get in touch with Marthalee. The thought has been in my head for a while now. I've also been preoccupied with thoughts from conversations with Cardwell about Eddy, about growing old, about selling his place and moving. I've been thinking about being single now and how the surge of independence is fueling my actions lately. (And though being single and content for the first time in over a year, I'm still entertaining the thoughts of "what if?")
Monday night was the second time I ate at the Yukon Mining Co. restaurant on Santa Monica Blvd. I went with Ali after a new "alternative" club opening flopped at The World building. I'm not sure if it was drag queen night or transgender meeting grounds. I do know that I was way outside of my element and I was reminded of that daily goal to do one thing each day that scares you. I was definitely not comfortable and I have been wondering about that feeling ever since. There is a power that emanates from this small community when they are together. I sense that even among their loud and caddy conversations, snickering about each other, they would be unified in a second should anyone in that restaurant disparage them in any way. I think what really scared were the johns more than the femmes. Yes, I just figured that out right now typing.
Wednesday, June 02, 2004
Paraphrasing in the Passing Lane
This new month starts and I have memories lingering of the past couple weeks. Some absolutely beautiful, some so funny that I sit back and smile thinking of them right now, some painful and moisture rims the roots of my eyelashes. What I know is that this is all life and it's all part of the building blocks that construct a home for my soul.
On the 27th of May I went to two different fast food establishments and at both places my bill total came to $6.66. If I were religious or superstitious I guess that I'd have to consider myself a marked soul. But since I'm neither, I guess I'm safe. :-)
I'm just back from a few days in Las Vegas with Cardwell & Nathan. Cardwell and I drove out Sunday morning after I got off work and then drove home last night in time for me to be sitting here back at work again. Visiting with Nathan was good friend time. Oddly, I spent most of the time shopping. I don't know what possessed me, but I was spending money right and left and enjoying it. CD's, DVD's, clothes, food, movies, clubs.
Nothing of any real deep nature was talked about. I didn't expect it to be. I went to Las Vegas with the intention of spending time with friends and laughing. Not that I was trying to avoid anything serious, I just was not going to trigger discussion on anything that didn't want to be talked about. There were several different antennae moments which made me smile. At times I felt that Cardwell and I with our natural banter that has developed from spending so much time together might have been overwhelming. Funny. We walk into his apartment, Cardwell is busy taking on the project of changing out his "drip drip" shower head so that there would actually be pressure coming out and I'm busy with the project of fixing the DVD to TV connection that was not playing full duplex sound for some reason. ((This project is an entire entry in and of itself)) We have our stuff lying all over the place, making his spotless apartment pretty cluttered. But our presence I hope was a soothing therapy in itself. I know it is for me being around Nathan as he occupies so much of my mind all of the time.
Twenty-Five days left of this graveyard hell. I've e-mailed and asked as of today to find out if I'll get to bid on a schedule soon as planning this Summer out is near impossible right now. I want to visit Lanny in Florida.
I scheduled a date of July 19th to have my laser eye surgery completed. I'm not really excited or anxious quite yet. I think this will all hit the day of the procedure.
**The Childrens**... haha
I spent last Saturday hanging out with Rey and met his new boyfriend, Greg, over at Mark's house in Fullerton. A very casual night BBQ-ing shrimp, beef & chicken on bamboo skewers. I've been invited to a birthday party there on Saturday. This is the same day as Tim's party in Huntington Beach. In each case I will have to deal with the reality of having fun and then cutting lose and having to come to work.
"Love Actually" is something of a focal point lately. I mean that as the movie. I mean that as the soundtrack to the movie. I mean that as the spirits in my life that I can not erase or stop sensing. I watched the movie for the first time a few weeks back with Eddy at Cardwell's place while Cardwell was on a cruise up to Vancouver. The movie opens with a monologue as pictures of people meeting are in an airport and the monologue ends with the words... "love actually is all around us." I see that and feel that most of the time.
Watching the movie again in Las Vegas with Nathan and Cardwell I was able to cry more around them. Trickles really; the release of emotion around them was less guarded than with Eddy.
Drunken Master IV made a very honest call to Eddy from Las Vegas while at GOODTIMES. Cardwell was standing right next to me and I remember him telling me not to call and trying to verbally stop me, but as he listened to what I was saying, he realized how I was speaking from my heart and that I had no choice in keeping my own sanity. Now that my words have been clearly expressed, I know that I will not regret anything unspoken. I have exposed myself completely and though I feel like I'm just standing in the middle of the road waiting to get hit, I also feel like the road is long and the traffic is light.
SPANISH KITCHEN on La Cienega, near Santa Monica Blvd. in West Hollywood. Nice atmosphere and good food. Don't get the sangria unless you like it with clove.
On the 27th of May I went to two different fast food establishments and at both places my bill total came to $6.66. If I were religious or superstitious I guess that I'd have to consider myself a marked soul. But since I'm neither, I guess I'm safe. :-)
I'm just back from a few days in Las Vegas with Cardwell & Nathan. Cardwell and I drove out Sunday morning after I got off work and then drove home last night in time for me to be sitting here back at work again. Visiting with Nathan was good friend time. Oddly, I spent most of the time shopping. I don't know what possessed me, but I was spending money right and left and enjoying it. CD's, DVD's, clothes, food, movies, clubs.
Nothing of any real deep nature was talked about. I didn't expect it to be. I went to Las Vegas with the intention of spending time with friends and laughing. Not that I was trying to avoid anything serious, I just was not going to trigger discussion on anything that didn't want to be talked about. There were several different antennae moments which made me smile. At times I felt that Cardwell and I with our natural banter that has developed from spending so much time together might have been overwhelming. Funny. We walk into his apartment, Cardwell is busy taking on the project of changing out his "drip drip" shower head so that there would actually be pressure coming out and I'm busy with the project of fixing the DVD to TV connection that was not playing full duplex sound for some reason. ((This project is an entire entry in and of itself)) We have our stuff lying all over the place, making his spotless apartment pretty cluttered. But our presence I hope was a soothing therapy in itself. I know it is for me being around Nathan as he occupies so much of my mind all of the time.
Twenty-Five days left of this graveyard hell. I've e-mailed and asked as of today to find out if I'll get to bid on a schedule soon as planning this Summer out is near impossible right now. I want to visit Lanny in Florida.
I scheduled a date of July 19th to have my laser eye surgery completed. I'm not really excited or anxious quite yet. I think this will all hit the day of the procedure.
**The Childrens**... haha
I spent last Saturday hanging out with Rey and met his new boyfriend, Greg, over at Mark's house in Fullerton. A very casual night BBQ-ing shrimp, beef & chicken on bamboo skewers. I've been invited to a birthday party there on Saturday. This is the same day as Tim's party in Huntington Beach. In each case I will have to deal with the reality of having fun and then cutting lose and having to come to work.
"Love Actually" is something of a focal point lately. I mean that as the movie. I mean that as the soundtrack to the movie. I mean that as the spirits in my life that I can not erase or stop sensing. I watched the movie for the first time a few weeks back with Eddy at Cardwell's place while Cardwell was on a cruise up to Vancouver. The movie opens with a monologue as pictures of people meeting are in an airport and the monologue ends with the words... "love actually is all around us." I see that and feel that most of the time.
Watching the movie again in Las Vegas with Nathan and Cardwell I was able to cry more around them. Trickles really; the release of emotion around them was less guarded than with Eddy.
Drunken Master IV made a very honest call to Eddy from Las Vegas while at GOODTIMES. Cardwell was standing right next to me and I remember him telling me not to call and trying to verbally stop me, but as he listened to what I was saying, he realized how I was speaking from my heart and that I had no choice in keeping my own sanity. Now that my words have been clearly expressed, I know that I will not regret anything unspoken. I have exposed myself completely and though I feel like I'm just standing in the middle of the road waiting to get hit, I also feel like the road is long and the traffic is light.
SPANISH KITCHEN on La Cienega, near Santa Monica Blvd. in West Hollywood. Nice atmosphere and good food. Don't get the sangria unless you like it with clove.
