Ground Zero

Some good morals/values talk with Mark this evening. It's sad that often these type of conversations are brought about by disruptions of relationships. Most of the time we're just blipping through the day and not thinking. We become swayed unless we remember our blueprints. Some of us aren't lucky enough to have solid blueprints.

Avenues of Spare Change

12:02am The night was a step in the direction of hope and yet my guard was up the whole time. I had Ken and his friend Allan over playing Monopoly on the Game Cube. Eddy joined later in the eve. People that said they would show up didn't bother. It really didn't matter because it was fun nonetheless.

I was reading my latest copy of Instinct magazine earlier. The Advocate as well. It's funny how the focus of each magazine has a completely different slant and yet they both have plenty of semi-clad men showing their abs, arms, etc. There is a common denominator.

I was talking on the phone with Tracy yesterday (Friday) and I said that I was taking a "geological pause." I was also out with Mark and made a joke about the condoms I have not being used by the expiration date.

3:39am
I received a message on my phone while working. As I listened to it between calls, it was Chuck noticeably upset and carefully restraining his words. It's strange to me that Shawn can fuck Eddy and yet he'll still talk to him but my extension of friendship to Eddy, without sex, is threatening to Chuck. I've always had friendships with cross-sections that don't like each other or who have histories. My head just says, "look at the example of Ken." A classic example of how Chuck will over react and then come to his senses. If ultimately I am proven wrong about Eddy's ability and willingness for to change, then I get walked on and am secure enough to know where I go from there.

We all use our own frame of reference to look at other people. It's the purity that I try to approach the world in that I see other people and am able to give chances where others see only failures. Those that would deceive or treat themselves with something less than respect see others as wanting to do the same thing.

What is less than Zero without integers?

9:12pm
I finished reading "Less Than Zero" earlier tonight. I thought a lot about Jared as the book came to an end. Then I jumped to thinking about Eddy and Rey and Joe and the fast crowd of Los Angeles, Hollywood, The Palisades.... It's a culture that feeds on youth. I see it all the time when I'm up there. And where do these boys go? Where do they grow up and find themselves? They don't. They die in hospital rooms and fast cars never looking quite as beautiful as that time they were high in that club... or drunk at that house party... or drunk and high all night, all weekend... all their adult lives.

I remember this guy, Charles, that was friends with Mark in Hollywood. He always had a group of young guys that I felt he "protected" in some ways. When I was younger, although I distrusted many of the older gay men I encountered, he was one that I had a different feel from. Will I be that adult to the next generation?

zing zong

While shopping earlier (yesterday), gathering ingredients to make sugar cookies, Chuck mentioned this idea of giving gift cards with no money on it. The idea then expanded in my mind as a scene in a movie/book where this is done between some rival personalities. One plays a trick on the other, extending a branch of friendship and gives the gift card.. the other goes to a store and gets the the cashier and then finds out there is no money on the card.

Baking cookies. Mark mentioned that it was entertaining watching Chuck and I mix the dough and make the cookies. I responded that it was one of the best ways we could communicate... with jokes, not really words.

I need to move outside of the circles I know.

I'm very intrigued by the book I'm reading. The narration is much like the film student guy from "The Rules Of Attraction" (movie) in how he speaks about his trip through Europe. As I read... I think of Jared and the other lil gay boys that are caught up in the life being described in "Less Than Zero."

Scanning

Some of these pictures are painful to go through. There are memories that once preserved with a snap take up color and gloss and don't lose depth even on flat paper.

a strange veil

3:00pm.... I begin reading the 1st page of "Less Than Zero" by Bret Easton Ellis and a shudder comes over me as I look around my room and have a distinct feeling that I'm living a life that I wasn't meant to live. I saw my surroundings like I would gaze at a stranger and realized that the things in my life were real and not delusions of success.

I still wonder though... what would it be like to be a writer?

Free-Jeremy

I made reservations to go to Salt Lake City today. Nathan was going to be there so I thought it would be fun to meet up with him, but I also started talking to someone there. It's something different; some place I've never been yet. It's one of those small things to venture out and try new things next year.

Shea Butter.

I find that my thoughts repeat. Dwell. Inaction is fear holding you like seran wrap.

I feel something bad inside of me and the resting I've been doing hasn't necessarily helped to clear it. I wonder what else I might try.

I'm sad that I have to go to work soon. A piece of me would like to stay and watch movies with Art and the boys downstairs.

Ice Nine

Bokonon.

Ugh to my lascivious thoughts. Such conflicts. I enjoy the tantalizing nature of the turn on, but chastise myself at the consideration of such betrayal. Haha... Will I remember this in ten years? The images in my head?

It is now Friday for most. I'm longing to be with those that can go out on a Friday night.

Rhetoric & Roads

A person's actions tell more than their words do. The words may be genuine, but sometimes one's soul isn't old enough to live the path that flows from the tongue.

More placing

"broken" by lustral...
.....Can we recapture, the love we knew... I am broken, do you miss me too?
........

Little Joe was confiding in me the other day. I pulled out my journal and started reading through entries from when I was his age: 18. I talked about my depression even back then. I tried to reassure him that things do get better, but it's hard to accept that as truth when you have no experience.

------

Mark, Nathan, Cardwell, Chuck.... people that know a lot about me. Intimate details. As we have grown older, I feel like an accordian with our closeness.

Sebastian, Jose, Joe, Javier.... newer friends with great potential. I feel myself warming up to them as much as my personality allows in a short amount of time.

----

Places

People talk. I listen. It's been a constant feature of my relationships with people. I remember wondering about this dynamic when I was younger, but now I just see it as a "given" and know that certain personality types just feel like it's easy to talk to me and will do so whether I'm in a frame of mind to listen or not.

I don't like that I can't trush Chuck to keep private information private. The fact that he has shared with me private information that other people didn't want me to know is proof enough that his loose lips could work against me at some point.

I went out with Drew tonight. It was very comfortable. I did not get a tension headache at any part during the night. I really wished I didn't have to goto work because I was happy laying on the couch with him and watching Terminator 3. I sit here pondering what type of body language and/or signals I gave off to him. Sometimes my guard can be up even when I think it's down.

Busses

10:50am BUS 86 - Alton to Irvine Spectrum

The bus is a community that has not forgotten its people. There is a spirit among those riding that keeps a hope alive in me that someday humankind will rise above their petty differences. When the bus is full and I have a seat and a family can not sit together I give up my seat so that they may. We move from one part of the bus to another in order to accommodate more people. We adapt at each stop, knowing that we all have different destinations; only our journey in common.

2:10pm
I missed my 2pm return ride because I stopped to go to the bathroom after the movie was over. Ahh...obeying the bladder. I called Cardwell because I figured he would enjoy that story. Adaptation--I have crossed the street to take a different bus.

I've been meaning to write about the funny way that my straight roommate leaves his underwear & t-shirts hanging from the towel rack next to the shower. I'm a "kick them to the floor" guy myself. They lay there until after the shower and then get picked up before joining the pile in my room. He wears colored boxer-briefs. I wonder if he has fantasies about me sniffing his underwear because it's there? Normally the minds of men are so easy to read. He's probably just forgetful.

No one but me is coughing on this bus. It is a silent one. The outside world has infected this one.

Sweat

In put on a very little bit of colgne before leaving to bike into work last night... but as much as I sweat, I made the whole floor smell good according to Sharon. =) I'm sure her comment made me blush. Oh well... off to sweat some more for the ride home.

Bleeding Hearts

Character quirk idea:
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Character who has an eating habit of picking up a chip and taking a bite and then replacing the rest of the chip that he/she is holding back into the bowl/bag where the other chips are. This could be done with many different foods. I came up with the idea while eating peanut brittle yesterday from my SEES candy order.

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There was something that I said on Tuesday night during movie night that was the perfect set-up for a movie scene.....of course, I have no idea what that is right now.

Finances seem to be on the up swing again. This is good because I over-indulged the fact that I had so much excess.

Chuck is so funny. He goes on a trip to San Francisco to visit Aries and I find him online at 2:30am talking to his new boy. I know that life's value is ultimately tied up in the bonds of the relationships that we keep, but... nah, nevermind. Who's to say what is healthy or not. What is adult and what is not. When I met Randy we spent every day together for weeks before not seeing each other. Is that being unhealthy or simply fulfilling a human need? For myself, I'd have to say unhealthy looking back over the whole of the relationship. I think that when we spend that much time with someone in the very beginning of getting to know them we have tunnel vision. We focus on the good feelings of being satisfied with someone and the larger issues we don't see or overlook. (On purpose) This is clearly evident to me in my more recent experiences over the past 9 months with Javier, Ryan, Paul & Douglas. Of those four, Ryan was the person I was seeing with almost daily regularity. I felt so attached to him, so close; bonded. I think it's better learning over a longer period of time with the opportunity to view actions and behaviour before getting attached.

This doesn't preclude a completely romantic sweeping off one's feet. There can still be lust at first site with a growing affection and love. I'm just saying that often times we're so busy trying to figure out who we are in the context of a "we" that we have never figured out who we are as a "me." Stringing from one person to the next to the next, like Tarzan on vines, isn't the way to navigate the dating jungle. Or is it?

I am the arm

12:20am So my goal-keeping for December is on track about 50%. Hmph. Not surprising to me or anyone else I'm sure. One goal was to keep a journal entry every day of the month. In not doing it I'm not wanting to "see" what it is that I am processing underneath.

I described Lanny's visit as being short enough to keep my interest, but just long enough to cover all the interesting points. 1:00am I wonder right now if the way I see him in circles is the same that others see me. Small circles. Just different cirlces. Some places overlap and those are the connections that we long to orbit back and touch.

My skin is so dry. I'm using lotion like it's water.

I don't feel like I have a purpose as much as I used to.

3:05am I talked to this guy, Drew on the phone before coming into work. Sounds cute. Very social voice.

8:03am To do overtime or not to do overtime... that is the question.

Schedules

My sleep schedule is all off again. I have until tomorrow night to resume. I am........ feeling like I'm hiding a lot of things from myself right now.

Dec 5th Thoughts

We were all so exhausted yesterday that when we looked at our phones and it was only 5:40pm, we knew it was time to leave Disneyland, grab some dinner and then turn in early for the night. I don't think that's what we really wanted to do, but looking at the evening through my new 29yr old eyes, I suppose the thrill and drive of being out in the nightlife didn't win any points against health & sleep.

Friday was a definite affirmation to the friends in my life. I had made the decision to roll for the first time since March. This would be the 3rd time that I had done this by myself, but this would be the 1st time that I would be doing it by myself without the group really knowing. I waited until after dinner when family had left the larger group an those that remained headed over to The Boom. I brought a card with little pigs on them for Ali as a thank you for playing some requested songs for the evening. Cardwell & Lanny made good drinking buddies until Cardwell found a lightpole to lean against and tire out and Lanny found the alcohol overload area of his body. (Over & Over & Over agian.) My friends did a good job of taking turns of watching him so that I didn't have ot. Oddly though, I didn't "feel" that I had to anyway.

I found my mind focusing on two things. I was in hyper-sex-drive mode as I've felt that coming back lately. In my previous entry I had not talked about Chuck, which was more out of running out of time to type at work than anything else. I see him as changing, for himself. Though the change is small, it's something I cheer him on silently for achieving. When I hug him I feel his physical strength mixed with his emotional frailty; my arms around him I feel both safe and that I provide safety. I wish there wasn't so much fear in me.

X-Files

On my walk home yesterday I thought about the relationships I have with my ex's. Specifically, Arturo, Chuck & Lanny. In my head I went over the immediate qualities that attract me to them and also the reasons why we did not work out. I then thought about how things have changed since the time we dated and tried to look objectively at how much we were either the same or different.

I don't know that Lanny will ever change. I know he's older and he feels his age, but I see the same issues boil to a head. NOT having sex with him this weekend will not be difficult mentally, but laying next to him will be tempting. It may be something that I leave for a weekend of fun, but I'll let him set the tone for that.

Arturo is very different. He's not the emotionally open and experimental boy that I met almost 11 years ago. He's still sensitive inside, but it's harder to get at that person. My feelings lingered for so long that when I finally moved back to Southern California in 1996 and realized that they wouldn't be revisited, I've been content with our relationship ever since.

That leaves..... haha.. and it's time to go home.