Clearing the Fog

I see myself as this really good person sometimes. Like... not good in the sense that I'm a saint, but good in that I think I'm a good role model in how people should treat one another. When I'm online talking to people, there's a kindness in me that surfaces. Whether I'm interested in the person or simply chatting I try to be kind. I want to be....

Then there is the banter in chat rooms where I can be caddy; sarcastic. It's a side of me that is playful---more so with friends. It's a side that likes to play rough. Never with intention of hurting someone. I love making people feel good. I like it when I kiss someone and can feel the pleasure in the pressure being pressed back from their lips. I love seeing that deep smile in their eyes. I love hearing the breathing and slight sounds from every light touch of my fingers over their body as well as louder and harder friction as temperatures rise.

So this last week it's been hard to keep with my "nun vows." LoL. I still don't want to actually fuck with strangers, but sex drive has started to increase exponentially. Some people have asked why I'm avoiding sex on purpose and really it's quite simple: I don't derive any pleasure from random fucking. I don't enjoy it because I'm not mentally connected with the person. Anything other than fucking I can get myself in the mind frame, but that's just a level that I haven't really been able to share since Randy and probably won't until the next guy that I love comes into the piture.

The picture. It's definitely impressionism at this point and I'm only standing about five feet away still trying to focus on specifics. I'm slowly walking backwards. Things begin to come into focus. I'm not sure that I like everything that I see. There are intense connections to people that I have allowed to be suppressed over the years. I think of chuck and Lanny. Although I don't want to, Randy is there too. The fact that all these people are surfacing lets me know that all I ever really did when things ended was move on without understanding why I sought out the chaos of our togetherness. Why I still think about it. There's a level of alertness and knowing that I'm alive in feeling rage. It's not all rage though, alas, it can't be. Now I'm standing 10 feet away and I see the outline of the blueprint and I'm agast that this is the way I was built. Remodeling so expensive and I'm over-extended on my emotional loans.

So I tried experimenting this week with incorporating the blueprint into my sex life. It was interesting. My sense is that if I were to submit to this lifestyle of bondage, domination & submission---it would be accepting that the blueprint is not going to change and that I am victim to it's struture. Admittedly, there is some solace to this thought. Relief almost. But I also know how much I can't stay living one particular way for long periods. In simulating submissiveness I replayed what was going on in my head---slow motion style---being a child and powerless to the things in my life. All I wanted was tenderness...and in the midst of my interaction this week, I saw how the relationship between master/slave, boy/man, etc... works because there is that tenderness somehow shown in it's very specific way.

It's not the kind I want... I will just play the kink every once in a while with a cool, compatible cat. =)

40 minutes left at work. I really should go home and sleep but I'm starting to get all worked up again.... lol. Life. Life. life....