Hollow

"I Shall Believe" by Sheryl Crow

Trick or treaters night out. I've lost the child in this night. I can't even muster fake enthusiasm. Smirk... spreadsheets near my keyboard and I'm at work. Dark outside. The hour fall has nighttime moving in so swiftly.

Mark & I spent quality time engaged in conversation and chess last night. He beat me for the first time. It was great because for me I didn't even care; not even a tension of the heart to express comptetion. I just had a great night with a good friend.

Til Tuesday..."Voices Carry." Yeah...my fatal flaw.

j.r.me

Turning

Bobby's my little brother. Err... the lil gay one that I never had. =)

"If we value every moment, we will never feel regret."
-Chakra, "Love Shines Through" ****** I think I'm going to use the lyrics to this song for my birthday party invitation.

Yes...b-day, I'm already thinking of that. It's a good thing; looking forward, not dwelling on the past. I'd have to say that dwelling on the past is my fatal flaw. So I finally got up the nerve to throw away trinkets of the past and I'm still not settled with the idea, but the deed is done. **tears**

It rained all weekend. Beautiful blue skies today. A lot of time driving in the rain, pellets down on the car. The sound helped thoughts along.

I need to meet new people. I let Nathan know last night that I think he's partying too much, that I need new people in my life that I can explore the other sides of me. By no means did I imply that I don't want to continue to spend time with him, hell, I'm moving in with him. But I don't want to stagnate. I want more from conversation than the next circuit party, *his* big dick, that phenomenal song, or that incredible high.

Rock climbing.....I think I should try doing that, even if it is in a controlled, artificial wall environment.

j.r.me

not content

Another weekend has passed like a low flying plane overhead; loud and overpowering to conversation but only for a brief time. Soon the plane is gone, the sounds fade away into clouds. My images of this weekend will shortly fade away to clouded memories.

A Friday flashbadck with a high school friend proved how time can stand still in spite of years. Kim and I still deal with our inner conflicts of youth, convincing ourselves that adult choices will make everything alright in time. I wish I knew that was ultimately right, but I don't. I don't know that it's wrong either.

Rushing out of The Orange Block I drove to Andy at the Sunset Laemlee to watch "Requiem For A Dream." A midnight show left me drowsy. The drive back to Laguna Hills added to exhaustion.

Silly squeeling girls ruled the Saturday sun. Sarah turned 13 on Friday with a girlfriend party on Saturday. Frederic's weekend birthday party in San Diego balanced out the day.

I took Monday & Tuesday off of work to think. Personal Time. I keep seeing this time of the year as being part of this huge nemesis that I can't fight on my own. Perhaps my change of heart on drugs should also apply to ones that can be prescribed. I think that may be the answer.

I want to try clif diving.

j.r.me

midlife

Sarah turns 13 today. Wow. She's in the same space of her life that I was when she was born. Giggle. Frown. Such a confusing time. Good friends and school focus helped me through it. Still a few more years before I share with her my past journals and let her know how important she has been in my life.

Busy weekend ahead. I've been looking forward to it for a while. Freddy, Mr. Peek-a-boo, turns 30. Nate, Randy, Bobby & I will be going down to San Diego tomorrow to celebrate @ Montage. Brunching on Sunday Morning and then ICON on Sunday Night.

I've had two nights this last week where I got 10 hours of sleep. My body has really been telling me to slow down; mixing up the 4 hour nights with the 10 hour ones. It is nice just to sleep sometimes.

I've decided to pursue a Board Member position with DanceSafe for this next six months. Treasurer or Volunteer Coordinator. I know that one will be more work than the other, but I think I'd be good at it and I know the group could use it. We'll soon see. Elections are in a couple of weeks. I myself will be voting for Nader.

Boys? I don't think I should type about them anymore. What if they read? hahaha... I'm kidding. Everyone can read, that's the point; to see the pieces that aren't readily readable by looking at me. I'm "boy-ed" out. I enjoy spending time with people but I feel like I have goals to achieve and that relationships get in the way... no no.. not get in the way, but they take up an inordinant amount of time and energy that I don't want to give up right now. Someday. Not now.

j.r.me

resume

I think I'm going to put a resume together that says something to the effect that I want to be paid to work solving problems in workflow, relationships, etc. I want to be "The Fixer" that I am. I want to be paid for doing something that comes naturally. I want to make my own hours, wear jeans, work out of my home, my car, the beach and the park. I want it all and I deserve it because I can deliver what a company, individual, corporation needs... clarity away from this "buy in" of how things are "supposed" to be.

Yeah... yeah... yeah!!! Okay....so now I should write it.

=) j.r.me

Briefs

Mountain Dew & Wheat Thins...a perfect very late dinner or way too early breakfast. Raves have a way of throwing time schedules off. I'm at Gary's place, watching Holly scowl at me because I'm typing and not paying attention to her. I smell like smoke. It disgusts me, yet I'm still riding on the natural high that this peer-based social work spawns in me. There's nothing quite like the appreciation from a bunch of high kids who take a moment to gain a bit of knowledge. Whether it sticks or not is completely debatable.

I had to cancel a date this evening in order to fill in at the DanceSafe table. It appears that none of the volunteers signed up were "certified" for working a table by themselves. The Fox Theater was the venue for "Lotus." I had never worked The Fox before, but now I understand about the heat. The fan I brought definitely made for a cuddle puddle on the side of our table. Nummy nummy eye candy everywhere. **slap slapp** Wake up, Jeremy, they're straight... hahaha. My throat is all scratchy from yelling the results of pill tests throughout the night, explaining the effects of different drugs, and answering general questions about what DanceSafe is.

I spent last Thursday at RAGE. Bobby & Joey were there as well, with Alex & Paul. I rolled for the first time in a while. Then continued eating a second roll at Spike. I think the clarity of the night has finally been soaked up and I'm not as stressed as I once was. I am, however, tired right now and know that I cannot put into words what my mind has assimilated. A short 10-minute type... and I'm off to the shower to get rid of this smoky smell.

j.r.me

Honesty

There are so many birthdays in this month. Turning of the years.

I've heard before that if you have something to give, you're able, and it costs you nothing, then why not? Yeah.... hmm.... why not? Maybe everything costs something, and not always one's weight in gold. How about a soul?

I'm off to go pick up the lost soul.... haven't written about him in a while, but then again I haven't been very good about sticking to my stringent ideals lately. Light sweat all day today, yesterday too. I'm drinking plenty of water so I'm guessing it's the conflict within giving me problems. Time to confront that...it's always so scary doing that. Just thinking about it is giving me a headache and causing my eyes to tear up.

j.r.me

wammo

What do I want? What do I want? What do I want? What do I want? (I think I'm thinking that if I repeat the question that the answer will come to me. It has.... I want everything.) It has always been this way. In choosing a career; in eating fast food; in the type of personalities I have as friends; and ultimately, in the person I wish to be dating. Since it is impossible to have all qualities in one person, I'm attracted to different people and live with the notion that no one will be "perfect" (as I am not perfect) and so someone that has a majority of the qualities is really good. Then monagamy sets in....

Another 20 year old dances into my life. **sigh** I'm enamored. I'm feeling bad. I was not constructed to date more than one person at a time. I think that my deep empathy with people reflects what I know the feelings that become involved for them as my honesty compels me to inform of my open dating situations. As always, I narrow down to one person to date seriously and this feeling bad subsides as I'm in the rapture of the birth of love.

"Someone's gonna cry when they know they've lost you; someone's gonna thank the stars above."

I gotta remember to trust instinct. Also...don't confuse instinct with lust.

j.r.me