Freaky Frenzy

2:39am Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!!!!! What the fuck am I thinking? It was very simple. He comes over. We talk. I'm supposed to ask, "What is it that you're looking for in terms of a relationship right now?" So what really happens?

He comes over...I'm asleep. He tells me he missed me and I start kissing him. We goto sleep in my bed and wake up an hour and a half later to the alarm. More kissing. Not one single word of communication; nothing but the lust and physical manifestation of developing feelings--emotional tenderness.

I'm afraid of losing what I don't even know that I have. (And I'm afraid of finding out that I don't have anything anyway.) This is why I truly need to have the conversation after dinner tonight. I refuse to be afraid anymore.

I had a sincere heart-to-heart with roommate Art tonight. I let him know that I was on Zoloft and the events in life that led up to that. He gave me a hug and it felt good to have shared something that deep with him.

Chuck had Eric come over tonight and I couldn't vibe him. I think there was too much going on in my own head. Eric is cute. I can tell that Chuck is looking for a reason other than his own inclinations to pursue something. Neither one of us can really listen to each other's advice. I tell him to stay single and here he is dating. I think more than really looking for true advice, we're good sounding boards for each other so that we can hear the thoughts that we would not normally think about ourselves. We then proceed with whatever it is that we want to do, but we always have a knowledge of "the other side" and aren't truly surprised when our choices backfire on us.

Last night there was a pool party in Mission Viejo that Chuck was invited to so I tagged along with him. I enjoyed myself. Evan and Spencer were cuties, but I purposefully only had two mild drinks so that I could leave by 11:30. My "Ghost Thoughts" entry was somewhat about my disappointment in not seeing Ryan last night. I had the opportunity. I didn't communicate clearly so I'm not upset now. I put a name to the mullets from the party: Chris & Bill. I didn't get to talk to them any more.

Kung Pow: Enter The Fist.