I'm trying to settle back into Irvine, CA now. It's been a week since I left. I've felt strange back now. Just deciding that you're going to go another try at something doesn't mean that it's easier or harder, it just means that a damn has been unleashed and a river set in motion.
I find that my schedule has me hyper by the time I arrive home after 10pm. I'm the opposite of my roomies and I'm nowhere ready to go to bed like Randy is from his long day; the next to begin again @ 6am. I talked to Anthony (work lead) today about the flex-rep position and I think the hope is that whoever gets it will have a shift that is from 8-5 or 9-6. That would be cool again. Familiar patterns.
Making life happen and living life. Sitting back and waiting for the next curve and adding a little motion to the movement by picking the next page to turn. A lot of what I've been processing this week is the idea that all choices eventually have the same outcome for us. I know a lot of people who will keep that as the main fact in their life and therefore not care about what they do or live "less agressive" lives. That's comforting in a way. I think other people take refuge in "controling" their lives. They have goals, lay out a plan and then work hard to achieve said goals. They are fulfilled by a sense that they have created a structure that they live in; a means that they live reality through. This works for me. At least, it used to. I felt the fabric of this structure unravelling coming out of high school. The thread has just been being pulled ever since. Either someone keeps knitting, or I just have one huge piece of wool to pull off.
Mark's b-day was last week. Randy C's is tomorrow. Forgive me for being less than a friend lately in remembering these things. Can I go away to a Greek island for about a month and come back later. Or blink a light year so that the reality of today is just a few hundred years in the past? No? Okay, well shit then.
Tomorrow I get to see Lorena. Yeah.
I did the dishes today. Funny how the stupid small things in life are what people care most about.
Friday, December 28, 2001
Sunday, December 23, 2001
three-day-sum
Sometimes I sit down to write and I'm sure of only one thing: that there's something I want to say. A feeling inside demands action so I try and find words to represent the feeling.
I spent the weekend in Las Vegas with Art. We stayed at the Hilton, but did not partake of the Star Trek Experience. Nor did we use our free tickets to see the "Society of Seven," Hawaii's craziest bunch of mixed nuts. Whatever that means. (The selling slogan on local ads for the show.) I won enough money to basically pay for my weekend. I got to see Nathan and end the night at The Gypsy dancing to "Rapture" by IIO; the perfect ending to a rekindling of my friendship with him. I got far enough away from Southern California to begin to heal. I'm glad I was with Art. Being my first boyfriend, I still share something with him--a bond from my late adolesence--that I cannot place words to explain. Having new experiences with him is safe and sought sometimes. For the first time I feel like I'm not grieving any longer and I know where my heart is; where my head is as well.
I think that inside of us there is this universe. It expands boundlessly, intersecting into others' expanses. There is no map, no guide tool, no information desk that shows us how to explore this place, and most of us never really look at this place because it's too scary. Too unknown. I guess now all I can try and do is recall some of the trip...It may be long, I'm not sure what will come out...
FLASH THOUGHTS ON DXM:
I can still hear Garbage songs in my head. "Blip" TV screen vision, as if the horizontal hold wasn't properly adjusted. My hands are getting moist and sweaty typing all of this now. Once I was pulled outside of myself, there was a sense that everything I saw was through a video screen. Each step was taken with a sound effect. I couldn't hear background noise or conversation. Scenes from movies that I've seen in the past that I didn't understand became clear---or seemingly so. "Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me" and "Go" are two such movies. The "jibberish" scenes in Fire Walk With Me where the midget who says "I am the arm" were what I was experiencing. Unconnected, uncomprehendable images chained together; a mind trying to put order to something where no order is. I think now too of movies by Darren Aronofsky. Pieces of "Pi" and "Requiem for a Dream." The way that the guy in "Pi" was so sure of what he knew and how it made complete sense to him--a key that he had turned to walk through something. I remember a moment when I I felt that I had grasped that moment of complete understanding and how peaceful I felt. I remember the thought that decisions, choices, outcomes made no difference because in the end the result for all of us is the same---and by that I don't necessarily mean that we all die, or go onto an afterlife, or anything like that. I had more a sense that no matter what road taken, what type of life led, eventually all paths lead back to the same place. Maybe this is just a belief that was in my head and personified by the experience. I tend to thing that drug experiences--however people may relate them as similar--are just extensions of people trying to connect to one another; make sense where none is. Art was playing a video game. I could see him sitting in the chair, staring at the laptop screen. In some ways I saw him in control of where I was; almost as if he pulled the strings as to what was going to happen next. I used him as a "focus thought." When I felt myself straying too far from safety or from being too far into my own thoughts to know what was going on I thought of him and I was brought back into my surroundings and didn't feel lost. Rob--the boy that Art met on gay.com and who we picked up early Saturday morning for my 1st (and probably only) threeway--was the one who asked if I had ever tripped on DXM. My only time was with green triangles a couple years ago when I thought it was E. He was there with me the whole time, but as soon as the drug took effect, I don't remember him any longer. I know that I found something in my that suddenly didn't trust anyone I didn't know any longer; perhaps that instinct that I have all along about people but put off and ignore in some situations. At one point we were out of the hotel room and walking somewhere in the hotel. I remember bumping a wall because I couldn't walk straight. I sat on bench/couch (I think). He kept repeating that he wanted to go back to Walgreens. I didn't want to. I was staring at the ceiling. I remember thinking how odd I must look to other people. I thought about being at raves and seeing people who looked completely "not there" and now knew of the places that they go to. Computer screens with graphically enhanced visions. Flow charts, with lines moving through systems. My mind is always processing. I remember speaking, "So many thoughts." I tried to voice some of them, but often my words would come out only half words or all jumbled & jibberish. I sounded like a stroke victim. In my head the idea and sentence was clear as day, but when uttered I remember having to repeat myself, sometimes never getting the thought out. I was frustrated. VERY frustrated. I curled up into a ball on the bed, closed my eyes in the hope of falling asleep, but I just saw more images. Vid screens, brain inner workings, flowing, pieces, the last piec ein place, a cube, the corner. No sense of temperature. When we walked outside, Art was freezing cold and I felt nothing. Later on, after I could focus vision again, I had no taste buds and I still wasn't speaking clearly. I ate a whole hamburger and pink lemonade and could taste nothing. I felt texture but not taste, which was an interesting way to experience food. I don't recall anything else right now.
I spent the weekend in Las Vegas with Art. We stayed at the Hilton, but did not partake of the Star Trek Experience. Nor did we use our free tickets to see the "Society of Seven," Hawaii's craziest bunch of mixed nuts. Whatever that means. (The selling slogan on local ads for the show.) I won enough money to basically pay for my weekend. I got to see Nathan and end the night at The Gypsy dancing to "Rapture" by IIO; the perfect ending to a rekindling of my friendship with him. I got far enough away from Southern California to begin to heal. I'm glad I was with Art. Being my first boyfriend, I still share something with him--a bond from my late adolesence--that I cannot place words to explain. Having new experiences with him is safe and sought sometimes. For the first time I feel like I'm not grieving any longer and I know where my heart is; where my head is as well.
I think that inside of us there is this universe. It expands boundlessly, intersecting into others' expanses. There is no map, no guide tool, no information desk that shows us how to explore this place, and most of us never really look at this place because it's too scary. Too unknown. I guess now all I can try and do is recall some of the trip...It may be long, I'm not sure what will come out...
FLASH THOUGHTS ON DXM:
I can still hear Garbage songs in my head. "Blip" TV screen vision, as if the horizontal hold wasn't properly adjusted. My hands are getting moist and sweaty typing all of this now. Once I was pulled outside of myself, there was a sense that everything I saw was through a video screen. Each step was taken with a sound effect. I couldn't hear background noise or conversation. Scenes from movies that I've seen in the past that I didn't understand became clear---or seemingly so. "Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me" and "Go" are two such movies. The "jibberish" scenes in Fire Walk With Me where the midget who says "I am the arm" were what I was experiencing. Unconnected, uncomprehendable images chained together; a mind trying to put order to something where no order is. I think now too of movies by Darren Aronofsky. Pieces of "Pi" and "Requiem for a Dream." The way that the guy in "Pi" was so sure of what he knew and how it made complete sense to him--a key that he had turned to walk through something. I remember a moment when I I felt that I had grasped that moment of complete understanding and how peaceful I felt. I remember the thought that decisions, choices, outcomes made no difference because in the end the result for all of us is the same---and by that I don't necessarily mean that we all die, or go onto an afterlife, or anything like that. I had more a sense that no matter what road taken, what type of life led, eventually all paths lead back to the same place. Maybe this is just a belief that was in my head and personified by the experience. I tend to thing that drug experiences--however people may relate them as similar--are just extensions of people trying to connect to one another; make sense where none is. Art was playing a video game. I could see him sitting in the chair, staring at the laptop screen. In some ways I saw him in control of where I was; almost as if he pulled the strings as to what was going to happen next. I used him as a "focus thought." When I felt myself straying too far from safety or from being too far into my own thoughts to know what was going on I thought of him and I was brought back into my surroundings and didn't feel lost. Rob--the boy that Art met on gay.com and who we picked up early Saturday morning for my 1st (and probably only) threeway--was the one who asked if I had ever tripped on DXM. My only time was with green triangles a couple years ago when I thought it was E. He was there with me the whole time, but as soon as the drug took effect, I don't remember him any longer. I know that I found something in my that suddenly didn't trust anyone I didn't know any longer; perhaps that instinct that I have all along about people but put off and ignore in some situations. At one point we were out of the hotel room and walking somewhere in the hotel. I remember bumping a wall because I couldn't walk straight. I sat on bench/couch (I think). He kept repeating that he wanted to go back to Walgreens. I didn't want to. I was staring at the ceiling. I remember thinking how odd I must look to other people. I thought about being at raves and seeing people who looked completely "not there" and now knew of the places that they go to. Computer screens with graphically enhanced visions. Flow charts, with lines moving through systems. My mind is always processing. I remember speaking, "So many thoughts." I tried to voice some of them, but often my words would come out only half words or all jumbled & jibberish. I sounded like a stroke victim. In my head the idea and sentence was clear as day, but when uttered I remember having to repeat myself, sometimes never getting the thought out. I was frustrated. VERY frustrated. I curled up into a ball on the bed, closed my eyes in the hope of falling asleep, but I just saw more images. Vid screens, brain inner workings, flowing, pieces, the last piec ein place, a cube, the corner. No sense of temperature. When we walked outside, Art was freezing cold and I felt nothing. Later on, after I could focus vision again, I had no taste buds and I still wasn't speaking clearly. I ate a whole hamburger and pink lemonade and could taste nothing. I felt texture but not taste, which was an interesting way to experience food. I don't recall anything else right now.
Tuesday, December 18, 2001
Dream Entry: December Mycroft Dies
**Dream Entry**
I woke up on the couch to the sound of my alarm in the bedroom. I set it for 10:30 every morning just in case I'm not already awake. Today it was 11:08 before I heard it. I was dreaming.
It was one of those fantasy type dreams. There was a log of imagery from my past. High school lockers, Tovar Way in Chino Hills where I used to live and Dave Weldon's private investigation business were the pieces from my past that stand out the most; our next door neighbor, Jimmy, was the fantasy part.
In the dream, he was the Office Manager for Dave--a job that I used to have. I remember having some brief conversation with Dave about how he was just like me when I had the job, meticulous about everything being organized a certain way. The dream "flashed" at that point. ((FYI..my dreams tend to NOT run sequentially and there are several points where I find myself in different locations with different people so I just say that they "flash.")) I was somewhere on some sand dunes at the beach. I think I put myself here because when I see Jimmy next door, most of the time he's in shorts & and tank top with this white necklace that screams the beach to me.
Another flash and I was back on the street where I started my Chino/Chino Hills existence, Tovar Way. Something about a car, snotty neighbors searching for a stench in the air and thinking it came down the street from a "dirty" neighbor. I parked along the curb and went down to the curve in the street. ((SIDE NOTE, I just rememeber--not from the dream--going down to the house I'm describing in the dream and playing with Corey. We used to make and throw dirt clods in his backyard. He had an older sister. I thought he was cool.))
Somehow when I reached the bottom of the street where the curve is I was approaching a house that was for sale by two lesbians. I passed the house and saw myself staring into glass windows through to Jimmy who was working in Dave's office. Flat screen monitors caught my eye and I had to take one home to use. I was trying to be covert so that Jimmy wouldn't see me "taking" the monitor because I knew he'd be anal about wanting me to sign it out the proper way. He had never spoken to me before, but he knew of me from Dave talking about how I "used to" run things. He caught me "taking" the monitor and approache the subject with a shy respect. I mentioned that I was just quickly trying to swipe it out so that I wouldn't have to fill out a bunch of forms (as was procedure, I guess) and he resonded by saying, "Well, can you at least just sign the check-out sheet." I complied and there was that moment where we had nervous smiles and I left.
The rest of the dream is classically high school. (Lockers and and all) I'm getting tired of typing. Dream dream dreams.... haha
I woke up on the couch to the sound of my alarm in the bedroom. I set it for 10:30 every morning just in case I'm not already awake. Today it was 11:08 before I heard it. I was dreaming.
It was one of those fantasy type dreams. There was a log of imagery from my past. High school lockers, Tovar Way in Chino Hills where I used to live and Dave Weldon's private investigation business were the pieces from my past that stand out the most; our next door neighbor, Jimmy, was the fantasy part.
In the dream, he was the Office Manager for Dave--a job that I used to have. I remember having some brief conversation with Dave about how he was just like me when I had the job, meticulous about everything being organized a certain way. The dream "flashed" at that point. ((FYI..my dreams tend to NOT run sequentially and there are several points where I find myself in different locations with different people so I just say that they "flash.")) I was somewhere on some sand dunes at the beach. I think I put myself here because when I see Jimmy next door, most of the time he's in shorts & and tank top with this white necklace that screams the beach to me.
Another flash and I was back on the street where I started my Chino/Chino Hills existence, Tovar Way. Something about a car, snotty neighbors searching for a stench in the air and thinking it came down the street from a "dirty" neighbor. I parked along the curb and went down to the curve in the street. ((SIDE NOTE, I just rememeber--not from the dream--going down to the house I'm describing in the dream and playing with Corey. We used to make and throw dirt clods in his backyard. He had an older sister. I thought he was cool.))
Somehow when I reached the bottom of the street where the curve is I was approaching a house that was for sale by two lesbians. I passed the house and saw myself staring into glass windows through to Jimmy who was working in Dave's office. Flat screen monitors caught my eye and I had to take one home to use. I was trying to be covert so that Jimmy wouldn't see me "taking" the monitor because I knew he'd be anal about wanting me to sign it out the proper way. He had never spoken to me before, but he knew of me from Dave talking about how I "used to" run things. He caught me "taking" the monitor and approache the subject with a shy respect. I mentioned that I was just quickly trying to swipe it out so that I wouldn't have to fill out a bunch of forms (as was procedure, I guess) and he resonded by saying, "Well, can you at least just sign the check-out sheet." I complied and there was that moment where we had nervous smiles and I left.
The rest of the dream is classically high school. (Lockers and and all) I'm getting tired of typing. Dream dream dreams.... haha
Sunday, December 16, 2001
GAPS
"Give a little bit...give a little bit of my love to you."
As much as I hear that stupid GAP commercial, I still don't know the lyrics. I'm shying away from lyrics lately. They all make me cry. Social restraints of being at work keep my eyes dry.
I went to The Red Eye last night/this morning. East Coast DJ....which meant house music. Oh well...it was still nice to get out. I hadn't gone out to a club by myself like that since opening night at The Factory almost two years ago.
Give a little bit...
As much as I hear that stupid GAP commercial, I still don't know the lyrics. I'm shying away from lyrics lately. They all make me cry. Social restraints of being at work keep my eyes dry.
I went to The Red Eye last night/this morning. East Coast DJ....which meant house music. Oh well...it was still nice to get out. I hadn't gone out to a club by myself like that since opening night at The Factory almost two years ago.
Give a little bit...
Tuesday, December 11, 2001
rat a tat tat
I received the annual holiday poem/letter from Lorena, updating life, but with a bit more "christ" influencing this one. Nonetheless, it was a sweet sentiment to get something in the mail.
Our party was fun--for me at least. Even the times when I got to witness friction I seemed to feel myself perched on the outside, observing, seeing the senselessness of it all and hoping that everyone could just resolve their issue. It was a day/night of video games, a kickass song called "Rapture" by IIO, some splendid times with sensational people. I like that.
Bobby got me a picture of Brandon Boyd from Incubus. It is the ONLY thing hanging on the walls in the bedroom. Alex got sick and decorated our bathroom.
Mom called me earlier today. It happened to be during my alone time in the morning when I wanted to be alone so we all know how those conversations go. What she brought up was interesting though. Randy had called and left her a voice mail about going out to eat, the two of them. She felt awkward and didn't want to be in the middle of anything we were discussing. I felt the same way hearing her tell me. Ultimately I told her to call Randy and let her know her thoughts.
I don't find the prospect of dating again very enticing. I think focusing on school is key right now. I can't really consider what is happening with Randy until I know that he has changed. I can't know that now. I hope I can know it later, but that is way premature to think about now and I don't think he gets that yet.
Nathan offered a weekend getaway out to Las Vegas. I think I'm going to take him up on that soon.
Our party was fun--for me at least. Even the times when I got to witness friction I seemed to feel myself perched on the outside, observing, seeing the senselessness of it all and hoping that everyone could just resolve their issue. It was a day/night of video games, a kickass song called "Rapture" by IIO, some splendid times with sensational people. I like that.
Bobby got me a picture of Brandon Boyd from Incubus. It is the ONLY thing hanging on the walls in the bedroom. Alex got sick and decorated our bathroom.
Mom called me earlier today. It happened to be during my alone time in the morning when I wanted to be alone so we all know how those conversations go. What she brought up was interesting though. Randy had called and left her a voice mail about going out to eat, the two of them. She felt awkward and didn't want to be in the middle of anything we were discussing. I felt the same way hearing her tell me. Ultimately I told her to call Randy and let her know her thoughts.
I don't find the prospect of dating again very enticing. I think focusing on school is key right now. I can't really consider what is happening with Randy until I know that he has changed. I can't know that now. I hope I can know it later, but that is way premature to think about now and I don't think he gets that yet.
Nathan offered a weekend getaway out to Las Vegas. I think I'm going to take him up on that soon.
Friday, December 07, 2001
Snoflake Hands
I started cleaning today for the party tomorrow. I'm not sure I like the way the computer looks out in the main room. I think it's the way the radio looks with it--everything "mushed" together.
Super Smash Bros. is hard. I think the pleasure I would normally be taking in playing it is somewhat diminished. I'm not all that great at partitioning all feelings anymore. Ironic.
"Am I standing still?"
I've been humming a lot in the last couple days. I can't stop. I find myself doing it at my desk and singing in the shower. I'm always on the verge of tears.
Super Smash Bros. is hard. I think the pleasure I would normally be taking in playing it is somewhat diminished. I'm not all that great at partitioning all feelings anymore. Ironic.
"Am I standing still?"
I've been humming a lot in the last couple days. I can't stop. I find myself doing it at my desk and singing in the shower. I'm always on the verge of tears.
Thursday, December 06, 2001
Coffee Beans
In resolving what I know is right, there are emotions that act as anchors. I believe people can change, but I'm also wise enough to know that I cannot change them. Perhaps I can be the catalyst for change, but the ultimate decision is not mine. That being the case, I must have have piece of mind.
I've asked Bobby to bring my bed over so that I can put it in the room. I'm going to move the computer back into the main room and put my bed in the corner. Two beds will definitely take up a lot of space, but I'm really not comfortable sleeping on the couch and not "our" bed either.
My structured side wants to follow-up and make sure that he follows through with therapy and show interest in any progress being made. My Super Ego is dicating moral clauses and is resolute in not engaging in any emotional contact at all. I have obvious living situations that make that improbable and that's too cold--even for me. I would like to be a friend without the pretense of our relationship. That's easier said that done because we can't simply "water faucet" our feelings. It will be difficult.
"People....you can never change the way they feel. Better let them do just what they will..." ("Kissing a Fool" by George Michael) The lyrics are familiar to me right now because of everyone's opinion about what is going on. Each of my friends have their personal thoughts and points of view. I value their input, but as always, it is Jeremy who has to live through the decisions that I make. They merely have to watch the life unfold.
This last phone call I got here at work, someone is calling in for the 2nd night in a row because their phone time is one hour ahead when they goto their local Starbucks. People have too much time on their hands.
I've asked Bobby to bring my bed over so that I can put it in the room. I'm going to move the computer back into the main room and put my bed in the corner. Two beds will definitely take up a lot of space, but I'm really not comfortable sleeping on the couch and not "our" bed either.
My structured side wants to follow-up and make sure that he follows through with therapy and show interest in any progress being made. My Super Ego is dicating moral clauses and is resolute in not engaging in any emotional contact at all. I have obvious living situations that make that improbable and that's too cold--even for me. I would like to be a friend without the pretense of our relationship. That's easier said that done because we can't simply "water faucet" our feelings. It will be difficult.
"People....you can never change the way they feel. Better let them do just what they will..." ("Kissing a Fool" by George Michael) The lyrics are familiar to me right now because of everyone's opinion about what is going on. Each of my friends have their personal thoughts and points of view. I value their input, but as always, it is Jeremy who has to live through the decisions that I make. They merely have to watch the life unfold.
This last phone call I got here at work, someone is calling in for the 2nd night in a row because their phone time is one hour ahead when they goto their local Starbucks. People have too much time on their hands.
Monday, December 03, 2001
Descend Burr
Mom's bday brunch yesterday was nice. I was tired from only two hours of sleep, but I rested up afterwards on Sarah's air-inflated "chair."
Today: Super Smash Bros. Melee !!
** YES **
Reclining in this comfortable work chair--they had to make them comfortable seeing as we sit on our asses all day here--I began laughing at my 1st acid experience. The part where I was in Pavillions and fascinated by the lawn chairs. So much so, that I tried to sit on one while it was on the shelf display. Nathan stopped me before going that far, but I still managed to take the chair down and sit in in in the middle of the aisle. I felt like Lily Tomlin in the big chair.
Bobby & I went to a small rave in Moreno Valley on Saturday Night/Sunday Morning. It was a night to try and get away from my surroundings in Irvine. I had no intention of rolling with my bday party coming up this Saturday, but as the music played on and I was starting to have fun I thought about the party itself. I thought about how it might not make sense to be rolling around all my friends and that I would enjoy them more sober and playing video games than fluttering from place to place, dancing. So we did roll and in a way I'm glad it was just the two of us. It was special that way, like a pre-birthday party with my 'lil bro.
The boys were fun to look at, but I had very little to exchange in the way of words. It was amusing how the boys had no sense of age determination. I'm sure the thought was that if I was at a rave I had to be at least somewhat around their age. Their guesses of my age ranged from 20-22. The navy boy remarked that I act like I'm 15. Hah...okay bi-boy, trying to figure out if the other boys were tops or bottoms, stick to bouncing on the floor to keep that gyrating brain in place. I felt free and single, but still tied and taken. Bobby & I had our fill of eye-candy which just gave me more reason to keep dancing. The straight boys were the best because, comfrotable in their own sexuality, it was cool to just hang out and not feel looked down upon or intimidated.
At one point I sensed my grandmother, or I focused on a thought of safety in thinking about her. It was at that moment that I realized that I am going to be okay whatever the outcome with Randy & I. There was also the Ghandi saying, "You must be the change you wish in the world."
And so....I'm changing. Still dealing with anger, hurt & love. Like I told Randy last night, loving isn't the hard part; liking is.
Today: Super Smash Bros. Melee !!
** YES **
Reclining in this comfortable work chair--they had to make them comfortable seeing as we sit on our asses all day here--I began laughing at my 1st acid experience. The part where I was in Pavillions and fascinated by the lawn chairs. So much so, that I tried to sit on one while it was on the shelf display. Nathan stopped me before going that far, but I still managed to take the chair down and sit in in in the middle of the aisle. I felt like Lily Tomlin in the big chair.
Bobby & I went to a small rave in Moreno Valley on Saturday Night/Sunday Morning. It was a night to try and get away from my surroundings in Irvine. I had no intention of rolling with my bday party coming up this Saturday, but as the music played on and I was starting to have fun I thought about the party itself. I thought about how it might not make sense to be rolling around all my friends and that I would enjoy them more sober and playing video games than fluttering from place to place, dancing. So we did roll and in a way I'm glad it was just the two of us. It was special that way, like a pre-birthday party with my 'lil bro.
The boys were fun to look at, but I had very little to exchange in the way of words. It was amusing how the boys had no sense of age determination. I'm sure the thought was that if I was at a rave I had to be at least somewhat around their age. Their guesses of my age ranged from 20-22. The navy boy remarked that I act like I'm 15. Hah...okay bi-boy, trying to figure out if the other boys were tops or bottoms, stick to bouncing on the floor to keep that gyrating brain in place. I felt free and single, but still tied and taken. Bobby & I had our fill of eye-candy which just gave me more reason to keep dancing. The straight boys were the best because, comfrotable in their own sexuality, it was cool to just hang out and not feel looked down upon or intimidated.
At one point I sensed my grandmother, or I focused on a thought of safety in thinking about her. It was at that moment that I realized that I am going to be okay whatever the outcome with Randy & I. There was also the Ghandi saying, "You must be the change you wish in the world."
And so....I'm changing. Still dealing with anger, hurt & love. Like I told Randy last night, loving isn't the hard part; liking is.
Saturday, December 01, 2001
Thigh Pain
I tried running this morning. Half way through my heart hurt so much that I slowed to a staggering walk.
I was up before the alarm at 7:30. Maybe I never slept, who knows? Mom's b-day tomorrow.
***
1:14 p.m.
***
I was reading my entries from the last month and into October. It makes me more angry and my chest constricts; to have voiced my feelings with Randy knowing full well what they were all about. I sickens me that people have such ugliness in them. It sickens me because I can understand where it stems from and that I would like to forgive it. Catholicism at it's best. Zen. Everything Zen. Detached. To detach one's self from someone else removes the possibility of suffering. This is all well & good. Maybe I should read more on the internet because it just seems to lack a human component. How can I enjoy the party next week? But we all know how quickly events can change in a week, day, hour, or how I can live one life in a reality of my own while the truth is holding hands on a beach.
I was up before the alarm at 7:30. Maybe I never slept, who knows? Mom's b-day tomorrow.
***
1:14 p.m.
***
I was reading my entries from the last month and into October. It makes me more angry and my chest constricts; to have voiced my feelings with Randy knowing full well what they were all about. I sickens me that people have such ugliness in them. It sickens me because I can understand where it stems from and that I would like to forgive it. Catholicism at it's best. Zen. Everything Zen. Detached. To detach one's self from someone else removes the possibility of suffering. This is all well & good. Maybe I should read more on the internet because it just seems to lack a human component. How can I enjoy the party next week? But we all know how quickly events can change in a week, day, hour, or how I can live one life in a reality of my own while the truth is holding hands on a beach.
Friday, November 30, 2001
(II) - stirring & stirring & stirring my brew
Jealousy & paranoia. What is he doing? Where is he? Who is he with? What drug(s) is(are) he doing?
How is he?
I tell myself that the answers don't matter because it's none of my business as I've now made it that way. I could just as easily go out and fuck away my frustration and it wouldn't be any of his business either. That's rage typing. A heart--heavy--thinks that the answer matter; thinks that he needs to be good and heal himself, but what do I know of that?
How is he?
I tell myself that the answers don't matter because it's none of my business as I've now made it that way. I could just as easily go out and fuck away my frustration and it wouldn't be any of his business either. That's rage typing. A heart--heavy--thinks that the answer matter; thinks that he needs to be good and heal himself, but what do I know of that?
[blank] on the dock of the bay
Yeah...so, I'm a blithering idiot and an investigative sage all wrapped up in the same lame-ass naive (and apparently blind) blanket. Do I sound angry. Good. The way I am just doesn't vent anger visually very well. Why can't people just be faithful? And if they're not going to be, why don't they just fucking get out of a relationship rather than spreading hurt?
I know.
I'm at work. Sitting. Sitting. Always endlessly sitting. The Quality Assurance girls behind me always gabbing. Sitting. Always waiting for the next dumb-ass customer service rep to call and say--what I think is--the STUPIDEST thing: "Hi, I have a customer on the line..." No shit. You're calling me because the customer called you with a problem. It's pretty self-evident that there is a customer on the line otherwise you'd have no reason to call me. !!!! I'm still sitting.
I feel feverish now...no...more nau. It's probably about 30 minutes since I wrote the above paragraph. I really don't want to be here, but seeing as I took yesterday off to deal with my emotions make the decision to end my year short relationship with Randy I don't suppose work really cares for me to take another day.
I'm rotten tired. I'm trying to type this, choose a Spring class schedule and do my job. I'm also thinking about the upcoming party, mom's b-day on Sunday, and what the living situation is going to be like now.
Bugger.
I know.
I'm at work. Sitting. Sitting. Always endlessly sitting. The Quality Assurance girls behind me always gabbing. Sitting. Always waiting for the next dumb-ass customer service rep to call and say--what I think is--the STUPIDEST thing: "Hi, I have a customer on the line..." No shit. You're calling me because the customer called you with a problem. It's pretty self-evident that there is a customer on the line otherwise you'd have no reason to call me. !!!! I'm still sitting.
I feel feverish now...no...more nau. It's probably about 30 minutes since I wrote the above paragraph. I really don't want to be here, but seeing as I took yesterday off to deal with my emotions make the decision to end my year short relationship with Randy I don't suppose work really cares for me to take another day.
I'm rotten tired. I'm trying to type this, choose a Spring class schedule and do my job. I'm also thinking about the upcoming party, mom's b-day on Sunday, and what the living situation is going to be like now.
Bugger.
Wednesday, November 28, 2001
j.r.me
So maybe I'm hyper-sensitive about everything. Too bad pot does nothing for me, maybe I'd calm down enough to learn that sometimes a little slack is better than a taut rope.
I don't know what's going on much with people right now. I'm outta sorts.
I don't know what's going on much with people right now. I'm outta sorts.
Friday, November 23, 2001
night lunch
Coming home to an empty home feels kinda of that way. There's also that sense of relaxation that I don't have to deal with anyone else. Is it always so? The lights were left on...so they can't be too far.
I got an e-mail from Steve H. a few days ago. I responded while at work. I guess I had a lot to say.
There's a Guinness bottle in front of the mouse pad. The room is in disarray. I'll be up at 8 for work tomorrow and then off to Moreno Valley for a DanceSafe table...aye... and I need to make that phone call but I left my phone at work.
I also haven't typed much here the past few weeks. I guess I've been keeping it inside and or discussing important words with people directly.
Common ground.
I got an e-mail from Steve H. a few days ago. I responded while at work. I guess I had a lot to say.
There's a Guinness bottle in front of the mouse pad. The room is in disarray. I'll be up at 8 for work tomorrow and then off to Moreno Valley for a DanceSafe table...aye... and I need to make that phone call but I left my phone at work.
I also haven't typed much here the past few weeks. I guess I've been keeping it inside and or discussing important words with people directly.
Common ground.
Thursday, November 22, 2001
turkey bacon
Randy says he told his parents about these entries. Are you reading? Send me an e-mail or sign my guestbook. =)
We're about to embark on a momentous journey into Christianville. But first, a most needed reality stop at my mother's.
gobble gobble
We're about to embark on a momentous journey into Christianville. But first, a most needed reality stop at my mother's.
gobble gobble
Saturday, November 10, 2001
honeymoon over
Is the short term pleasure worth the kick in the end? Should a couple not have a child if they know that at the end of the child's first year of life that it will die or be kidnapped?
I'm not one to make logical arguments. The reasoning of philosophy doesn't go beyond what I feel mostly. I'm good at writing, but not at capturing--with words--the emotions that stir to make Jeremy Soup.
A new paragraph and ten minutes later. I was staring forward playing out a scenario in my head. One where I'm in therapy and trying to express myself and as my feelings start to spill out the go from impatience to sadness & grief. The hardest balance for me in any relationship is leaving my individuality in place while also supressing it for the good of the whole. But am I whole at all when I do this? Or am I full of holes?
Though I didn't wake with a headache and took pain medication when I got up anyway, I now feel that as feelings flush over my heart to my head that the throbbing pain is there; perhaps just masked by a new haircut and a fresh shave...
Lyrics mean what they mean to whomever. I've learned that my meaning in my own writing isn't always absolute. People really do see what they want to see. It's that power that makes up exceptional sometimes. It's that gift that blinds us to something so simple.
ANGEL
Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight
In the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
So tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees
in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here.
I'm not one to make logical arguments. The reasoning of philosophy doesn't go beyond what I feel mostly. I'm good at writing, but not at capturing--with words--the emotions that stir to make Jeremy Soup.
A new paragraph and ten minutes later. I was staring forward playing out a scenario in my head. One where I'm in therapy and trying to express myself and as my feelings start to spill out the go from impatience to sadness & grief. The hardest balance for me in any relationship is leaving my individuality in place while also supressing it for the good of the whole. But am I whole at all when I do this? Or am I full of holes?
Though I didn't wake with a headache and took pain medication when I got up anyway, I now feel that as feelings flush over my heart to my head that the throbbing pain is there; perhaps just masked by a new haircut and a fresh shave...
Lyrics mean what they mean to whomever. I've learned that my meaning in my own writing isn't always absolute. People really do see what they want to see. It's that power that makes up exceptional sometimes. It's that gift that blinds us to something so simple.
ANGEL
Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight
In the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
So tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees
in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here.
Wednesday, November 07, 2001
tumble weeds
I spent the night with Art & Chuck. We watched Enterprise and were disappointed together. Afterwards we trekked over to The Library in Long Beach where we were reminded how old we were. The funny thing was that althought some of the scenery was nice, we were much more interested in our conversation. We were geeks around a wooden table with one of the chairs sticking out into the walkway. Art shared his affinity for our friendship and it was as real as Chuck's 16 year old hottie comments.
I smile before bedtime. It's all a bunch of drama and tears and then we die some day. I like my life and those in it.
I smile before bedtime. It's all a bunch of drama and tears and then we die some day. I like my life and those in it.
meta
10 months; a milestone in my lifetime.
"I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean..." ((I hope you dance, Leanne Womack)) I do. I feel tiny really. I think people do things to be part of larger success in hopes of being great or leaving some great legacy. They do it from a sense of goodness; some from selfishness, but I have to believe that most do not.
DanceSafe is picking up discussion on the e-mail list. From that a core group will form. It will be a good again.
I still have that sense of something I don't know. I remember being in some steakhouse in Destin and asking Lanny what we shared in common. There was a long silence as we stared across the table. "..and I never felt alone, until I met you" ((Deep inside of you, Third Eye Blind)) The truth is that it had nothing to do with whether we shared things in common or not, but I raised that issue because I didn't want to deal with---or thought he wouldn't understand---the differences in just being at different places in our lives with different expectations and goals. There was a sense that if love existed that it should be enough. He believed that. I didn't.
Now here I am feeling a sense of being off base. Even D.R. has started to pick up on it, either because it's real or I've been subliminally transmitting worry. I've already approached Randy about this once, but I don't know if he either isn't telling me everything or hasn't figured everything out himself. The feeling seems to get stronger when I'm around him, like at lunch today. Then I pause and remember being 20 and in a corporate job. We're very different people in similar working situations. It was not what I wanted for myself at 20. It certainly was not my ideal situation, but I was making good money and I had that prideful feeling of "look what I've done @ my age!!" "...If it makes you happy, then why the hell are you so sad?" ((If it makes you happy, Sheryl Crow))
I had lunch with mom yesterday. She's as busy as ever. I've really learned from her that happiness is what we make of it. Whether we know it or not.
So here it is, my monthaversary, and I'm walking around the lake by myself.
"I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean..." ((I hope you dance, Leanne Womack)) I do. I feel tiny really. I think people do things to be part of larger success in hopes of being great or leaving some great legacy. They do it from a sense of goodness; some from selfishness, but I have to believe that most do not.
DanceSafe is picking up discussion on the e-mail list. From that a core group will form. It will be a good again.
I still have that sense of something I don't know. I remember being in some steakhouse in Destin and asking Lanny what we shared in common. There was a long silence as we stared across the table. "..and I never felt alone, until I met you" ((Deep inside of you, Third Eye Blind)) The truth is that it had nothing to do with whether we shared things in common or not, but I raised that issue because I didn't want to deal with---or thought he wouldn't understand---the differences in just being at different places in our lives with different expectations and goals. There was a sense that if love existed that it should be enough. He believed that. I didn't.
Now here I am feeling a sense of being off base. Even D.R. has started to pick up on it, either because it's real or I've been subliminally transmitting worry. I've already approached Randy about this once, but I don't know if he either isn't telling me everything or hasn't figured everything out himself. The feeling seems to get stronger when I'm around him, like at lunch today. Then I pause and remember being 20 and in a corporate job. We're very different people in similar working situations. It was not what I wanted for myself at 20. It certainly was not my ideal situation, but I was making good money and I had that prideful feeling of "look what I've done @ my age!!" "...If it makes you happy, then why the hell are you so sad?" ((If it makes you happy, Sheryl Crow))
I had lunch with mom yesterday. She's as busy as ever. I've really learned from her that happiness is what we make of it. Whether we know it or not.
So here it is, my monthaversary, and I'm walking around the lake by myself.
Sunday, November 04, 2001
trusting truth
Bobby, Mark, Randy C. and I went to Montage last night. I parked my car in the carport at 5am. My legs still feel the "settling" sensation of a night full of dancing. It's mostly in my calves and thighs; the two places I dance from.
When I got home all I wanted to do was cuddle up with Randy. I had expected his car to be in the carport, so I knew he wasn't home when I parked. He was still out with Brian.
A few entries back I felt something but I didn't know what. I'm still not certain what that feeling is/was. I had this sense that Randy would do some type of drug last night because I was going to. Well, not BECAUSE I was doing it, but there was a sense nonetheless. Turns out he did E. Earlier in our relationship we discussed only doing this together, but I believe I asserted that I didn't think we needed to have "permission" from each other to do it; that I trusted him and I expected the same. Come to think of it, I believe this came up when Nathan forced the issue that they had done crystal together.
The word on my phone is COMMUNICATE. It's become such an ordinary piece that I don't even see the word most days. I sense fear. I sense that there are things I don't know because we don't talk about them and we don't talk about them because of some type of fear.
When I got home all I wanted to do was cuddle up with Randy. I had expected his car to be in the carport, so I knew he wasn't home when I parked. He was still out with Brian.
A few entries back I felt something but I didn't know what. I'm still not certain what that feeling is/was. I had this sense that Randy would do some type of drug last night because I was going to. Well, not BECAUSE I was doing it, but there was a sense nonetheless. Turns out he did E. Earlier in our relationship we discussed only doing this together, but I believe I asserted that I didn't think we needed to have "permission" from each other to do it; that I trusted him and I expected the same. Come to think of it, I believe this came up when Nathan forced the issue that they had done crystal together.
The word on my phone is COMMUNICATE. It's become such an ordinary piece that I don't even see the word most days. I sense fear. I sense that there are things I don't know because we don't talk about them and we don't talk about them because of some type of fear.
Friday, November 02, 2001
november second
The Fall; shorter days and less time to "do" anything. In reality, same hours, same shit, same everything. As with the corporate world, it is the perception of change that has happened.
I have this reaction paper to write for class on Monday night. When I think about it I think about TITANIC. I wanted to laugh in class, but how rude would that have been? She did lose a loved one and whatever it takes for one person to make it through their tragedy should not be fodder for someone else to feel good about themself.
Date night is over...yeah, at 10pm. I was looking forward to this all week, but it just seemed kinda bland. I didn't go into it with expectations...wrong...I suppose I was looking to have fun. I don't know what that is with us together right now. We're on two different schedules with different ideas of what fun is. I would like to find a middle ground.
I finally got a response from the DanceSafe e-mail list administrator. I'll be getting my official DanceSafe e-mail addy: "jeremyp@dancesafe.org" Oooh ooh ooh... which reminds me, I need to send out that DSAFE e-mail.
j.r.me
I have this reaction paper to write for class on Monday night. When I think about it I think about TITANIC. I wanted to laugh in class, but how rude would that have been? She did lose a loved one and whatever it takes for one person to make it through their tragedy should not be fodder for someone else to feel good about themself.
Date night is over...yeah, at 10pm. I was looking forward to this all week, but it just seemed kinda bland. I didn't go into it with expectations...wrong...I suppose I was looking to have fun. I don't know what that is with us together right now. We're on two different schedules with different ideas of what fun is. I would like to find a middle ground.
I finally got a response from the DanceSafe e-mail list administrator. I'll be getting my official DanceSafe e-mail addy: "jeremyp@dancesafe.org" Oooh ooh ooh... which reminds me, I need to send out that DSAFE e-mail.
j.r.me
Thursday, November 01, 2001
instinct
I have the strange feeling again. I know something that I don't know. It's nagging at me on the inside and I'm somewhat fearful about finding out what it is. Soon. Soon, I hope.
j.r.me
j.r.me
Wednesday, October 31, 2001
crazy nights
I just got back from hanging the ghost/angels made from our paper towels. They're the first things that our playful neighbors will see when they go to leave their apartment this morning. This is part of an ongoing gag dealing with our pet birds. Hmm... without too much explanation, well... I guess that's impossible.
I have not yet been to sleep. Randy (C) and I went out to WeHo last night and danced. After Mickey's closed we went to Spike, but it was closed. A boy that Randy had eyed also was at the Spike door and invited back to his place. I--driving--obliged. I thought he would've actually taken advantage of the situation, but something held him back again. Again...because he did something similar last Saturday. I'm not sure if it's a hang up on Frederic still or just a gut feeling of knowing it is not what he really wants. I remain on the sideline, waiting for a resolution to be heard.
Randy & I took a shower together this morning. Our first in many months. I enjoyed that. Something as simple as washing each other. (((smile))) We have Friday planned for date night.
I'm starting to get that light sweat from lack of sleep. If I laid down it would take some work to actually get to sleep. Perhaps a catch-up on The West Wing video tape and then rest.
I have not yet been to sleep. Randy (C) and I went out to WeHo last night and danced. After Mickey's closed we went to Spike, but it was closed. A boy that Randy had eyed also was at the Spike door and invited back to his place. I--driving--obliged. I thought he would've actually taken advantage of the situation, but something held him back again. Again...because he did something similar last Saturday. I'm not sure if it's a hang up on Frederic still or just a gut feeling of knowing it is not what he really wants. I remain on the sideline, waiting for a resolution to be heard.
Randy & I took a shower together this morning. Our first in many months. I enjoyed that. Something as simple as washing each other. (((smile))) We have Friday planned for date night.
I'm starting to get that light sweat from lack of sleep. If I laid down it would take some work to actually get to sleep. Perhaps a catch-up on The West Wing video tape and then rest.
Saturday, October 27, 2001
SS R. Eye
I got up early today....somehow. (The "somehow" was for Randy. He he he) The Jack in the Box that I had for dinner at midnight is still in my stomach and I'm feeling sluggish.
What if anthrax has always been in our environment and we're only now LOOKING for it?
There's this growing list of people that I should call back. I've been slacking. This time of the year again and I can so feel the change in my attitude. I keep waking up telling myself that I need to run, excercise, eat better---like these are things that my body & mind are telling me, not things that infomercials have drummed into me. But the depressed feelings win out and I stand still rather than take action. (Laughable: I think a banana might help.)
What if anthrax has always been in our environment and we're only now LOOKING for it?
There's this growing list of people that I should call back. I've been slacking. This time of the year again and I can so feel the change in my attitude. I keep waking up telling myself that I need to run, excercise, eat better---like these are things that my body & mind are telling me, not things that infomercials have drummed into me. But the depressed feelings win out and I stand still rather than take action. (Laughable: I think a banana might help.)
Wednesday, October 24, 2001
early rousing
I'm up too early. It must have been the Red Bull that I drank before going to sleep. That, or maybe this elevated heart rate from dancing. I didn't actually goto bed until about 3:30. All I know is that I'm here typing now after updating my ledger balance for yesterday's expenses. So far, so good. Not overdrawn and still within my budget for the month. (Only 7 days left)
Yesterday I got Mark to come out to see me speak at Orange Coast College. The main reason was just to have him see me speak, but I also wanted to see if it was something that he'd want to do himself. The class was "just okay." But I think there may be some interest. We shared conversation over Jack in the Box and then went out to Mickey's last night to dance. He has his 10 year high school reunion this weekend. It would be nice if I could take a road trip up to Sacramento; the drive would do me some good.
Randy has befriended the neighbors. ((Clarification point: the "neighbors" reference in the prior entry had nothing to do with our actual neighbors.)) I've been my normal keep-to-myself self but stopped by their front window before going out last night and introduced myself. Apparently Jimmy--who shares his bedroom wall with ours and whose window is inches from our window--has heard us having sex. Lovely.
Sarah is now 14. Frederic is 31. I have a couple phone calls to return.
The DanceSafe meeting last night revealed an organization in shambles. Mark says I'm not one to over-dramatize, but maybe I am on this subject. Four of the current six board members for our local chapter are quitting. There were only three of us at the meeting last night. (General chapter meeting) I've decided to dive back in as more than just a fund raiser. It's that avalanche I was talking about. Maybe I just had a premonition or something.
I still feel something else in the air.
Yesterday I got Mark to come out to see me speak at Orange Coast College. The main reason was just to have him see me speak, but I also wanted to see if it was something that he'd want to do himself. The class was "just okay." But I think there may be some interest. We shared conversation over Jack in the Box and then went out to Mickey's last night to dance. He has his 10 year high school reunion this weekend. It would be nice if I could take a road trip up to Sacramento; the drive would do me some good.
Randy has befriended the neighbors. ((Clarification point: the "neighbors" reference in the prior entry had nothing to do with our actual neighbors.)) I've been my normal keep-to-myself self but stopped by their front window before going out last night and introduced myself. Apparently Jimmy--who shares his bedroom wall with ours and whose window is inches from our window--has heard us having sex. Lovely.
Sarah is now 14. Frederic is 31. I have a couple phone calls to return.
The DanceSafe meeting last night revealed an organization in shambles. Mark says I'm not one to over-dramatize, but maybe I am on this subject. Four of the current six board members for our local chapter are quitting. There were only three of us at the meeting last night. (General chapter meeting) I've decided to dive back in as more than just a fund raiser. It's that avalanche I was talking about. Maybe I just had a premonition or something.
I still feel something else in the air.
Monday, October 22, 2001
aging fingers
This avalanche of community service is falling down on me again. I've done all I want to do for tonight and I away a call from UCI tomorrow and maybe some communication with Planned Parenthood. (Not to be mistaken with Clitoral Hoods)
College time. In some ways I'm still hopeful that I will experience that life of the road I did not take. In a lot of reality though, I already know that it's gone. I caught a glimpse--and probably the only reason I'm typing tonight--of this completely developmental time in one's life where boundaries are tested and sometimes crossed. I still am uncomfortable venturing outside of my box most of the time.
What ruthless rigor the grasp of getting along with the neighbors at the expense of getting along with one's self.
College time. In some ways I'm still hopeful that I will experience that life of the road I did not take. In a lot of reality though, I already know that it's gone. I caught a glimpse--and probably the only reason I'm typing tonight--of this completely developmental time in one's life where boundaries are tested and sometimes crossed. I still am uncomfortable venturing outside of my box most of the time.
What ruthless rigor the grasp of getting along with the neighbors at the expense of getting along with one's self.
Wednesday, October 17, 2001
mobilizing
I missed a day. That means I get to start all over again at one. So...today, day one. Shit.
I just had a good meeting with Paula from the Youth Drop-In center in Garden Grove. We were brainstorming ideas for ways to get younger (18-25) speakers for PFLAG. She & I are doing a panel together next Tuesday so we'll compare notes and progress then.
I think I'm gonna get a game of Armada in before Randy gets home.
I just had a good meeting with Paula from the Youth Drop-In center in Garden Grove. We were brainstorming ideas for ways to get younger (18-25) speakers for PFLAG. She & I are doing a panel together next Tuesday so we'll compare notes and progress then.
I think I'm gonna get a game of Armada in before Randy gets home.
Monday, October 15, 2001
muttered garbles
Class over. Tuna sandwich finished. I still have that faint headache & neck stiffness that I had four hours ago before school. Though I felt productive today, I'm just feeling drained of energy dealing with other people. So drained.
Best time to feel this way I guess. My "weekend" is upon me. Technically, right now is my Friday Night. Part of me feels like it's wasted because I can't go out like I might on a regular Friday Night. I am writing my e-mail to tell people about a night for the housewarming party, so I guess it's not totally wasted.
Randy's pissed at me. I don't think I'll be sleeping in bed tonight. I don't like going to bed angry, but then, I'm not the one angry. I wish there were some color symbol on my forehead that could indicate to the rest of the world when to approach me and when to just stay away. Sometimes even my words--though I think I'm clear--are not. My body is pulsing heat right now. I think the correct stage was what we went over in class tonight: companionate love.
j.r.me
Best time to feel this way I guess. My "weekend" is upon me. Technically, right now is my Friday Night. Part of me feels like it's wasted because I can't go out like I might on a regular Friday Night. I am writing my e-mail to tell people about a night for the housewarming party, so I guess it's not totally wasted.
Randy's pissed at me. I don't think I'll be sleeping in bed tonight. I don't like going to bed angry, but then, I'm not the one angry. I wish there were some color symbol on my forehead that could indicate to the rest of the world when to approach me and when to just stay away. Sometimes even my words--though I think I'm clear--are not. My body is pulsing heat right now. I think the correct stage was what we went over in class tonight: companionate love.
j.r.me
Sunday, October 14, 2001
committment
Yeah...day two. Woo hoo.
SO there's this sketcher's model on my wallpaper. No big whoop. (I can hear Art saying that like that one character.)
Time to go have sex now. YEAH!
=)
j.r.me
SO there's this sketcher's model on my wallpaper. No big whoop. (I can hear Art saying that like that one character.)
Time to go have sex now. YEAH!
=)
j.r.me
habit forming
Day one of 21. I'm writing. It doesn't have to be anything special, just something. My my my... how against randomness is that.
Thursday, October 11, 2001
short descriptions
girl asked a couple of days ago how we, the panel, felt about Matthew Sheappard's death. I related the experience--three years ago--to Christians who goto church on Christmas & Easter; gays who get emotional & irate for a short term and then they forget and move on until the next big cause comes along.
The days are getting darker faster and I have this headache that keeps digging deeper.
Lorena will be in town for the week between x-mas & New Year's. Dinner, definitely dinner.
Tracy's Andrew turned 10 last week. She's having a slumber party this weekend.
I just want quiet right now. Peacefulness, but I can't find it.
The days are getting darker faster and I have this headache that keeps digging deeper.
Lorena will be in town for the week between x-mas & New Year's. Dinner, definitely dinner.
Tracy's Andrew turned 10 last week. She's having a slumber party this weekend.
I just want quiet right now. Peacefulness, but I can't find it.
Tuesday, October 09, 2001
scatter matter
I was laying in bed staring out into the bedroom air thinking some thoughts. Why not write them down?
I was talking online to Chuck last night and I awoke this morning with a sense of sadness at his lack of love for himself. He's still a little boy, afraid of change, paralyzed from change almost.
Three guys have won the Nobel Prize for creating a 4th state of matter: The Bose-Einstein Condensate. (Who knows if I spelled that right?) Apparently they froze particles with a laser to near absolute zero where atoms are barely moving. And this helps us how? Maybe I'm just short-sighted.
PFLAG came and spoke in our class last night. It was an "okay" panel. I see the speakers---like myslef---getting older and older while the classes stay the same age year over year. Although the issue of being gay is more in our today sense of being, there is still an important element of connection and being able to relate that is a key component for interactive panels. I speak tonight in Calista's class @ Fullerton College.
I have the sheet music from the movie "The Piano" and I have never sat down to try and learn it. Perhaps I'll walk across the street and find a practice room at the college. Better still, maybe I'll leave early to go to Fullerton College this evening, beat the traffic, and spend the extra time in the music practice room there.
Jonathan, from DanceSafe, sent me a nice e-mail this morning/last night. He said that DanceSafe "needs" me. Whether that's true or not, hearing it feeds this part of my ego that likes being fed. I always have thoughts in the back of my head about wanting to get more involved, I'm just not sure that I want to invest the kind of time necessary to do a good job---the same argument I've kept making for myself. I think mostly I know that there will be frustration involved and coming off the heels of what has been going on here the past few months I am not handling frustration very well.
An article for The Blade....planning my b-day party...taking a look around for some liquid or paper. Other thoughts that mingle with the idea of jacking off and reading for class. The mind truly is a terrible thing to waste. =)
I was talking online to Chuck last night and I awoke this morning with a sense of sadness at his lack of love for himself. He's still a little boy, afraid of change, paralyzed from change almost.
Three guys have won the Nobel Prize for creating a 4th state of matter: The Bose-Einstein Condensate. (Who knows if I spelled that right?) Apparently they froze particles with a laser to near absolute zero where atoms are barely moving. And this helps us how? Maybe I'm just short-sighted.
PFLAG came and spoke in our class last night. It was an "okay" panel. I see the speakers---like myslef---getting older and older while the classes stay the same age year over year. Although the issue of being gay is more in our today sense of being, there is still an important element of connection and being able to relate that is a key component for interactive panels. I speak tonight in Calista's class @ Fullerton College.
I have the sheet music from the movie "The Piano" and I have never sat down to try and learn it. Perhaps I'll walk across the street and find a practice room at the college. Better still, maybe I'll leave early to go to Fullerton College this evening, beat the traffic, and spend the extra time in the music practice room there.
Jonathan, from DanceSafe, sent me a nice e-mail this morning/last night. He said that DanceSafe "needs" me. Whether that's true or not, hearing it feeds this part of my ego that likes being fed. I always have thoughts in the back of my head about wanting to get more involved, I'm just not sure that I want to invest the kind of time necessary to do a good job---the same argument I've kept making for myself. I think mostly I know that there will be frustration involved and coming off the heels of what has been going on here the past few months I am not handling frustration very well.
An article for The Blade....planning my b-day party...taking a look around for some liquid or paper. Other thoughts that mingle with the idea of jacking off and reading for class. The mind truly is a terrible thing to waste. =)
Friday, October 05, 2001
void
I'm pretty sure I've always equated managing money with being "grown up." Probably a reason why I've kept a good handle on never keeping a check register and never really knowing how much (or little) money I really have. I feel like one foot is in the grave now that I've actually put down--to the penny--a monthly budget. I think how funny it is that I've had jobs where I manage millions of dollars with efficiency and I can still looked shocked when I get my ATM statement.
I've been in a funk all day. I thought getting home and taking a nap would be good for me. I hate to see what I'd be like right now without that nap. I'm hungry, but not hungry. I want to go out, but want to stay home. I want to go spend some time with Randy but I want to be alone. A flash of body heat, I'm sure I just need to do something and be dissatisfied at the same time.
I've been in a funk all day. I thought getting home and taking a nap would be good for me. I hate to see what I'd be like right now without that nap. I'm hungry, but not hungry. I want to go out, but want to stay home. I want to go spend some time with Randy but I want to be alone. A flash of body heat, I'm sure I just need to do something and be dissatisfied at the same time.
Monday, October 01, 2001
shadows
Soon Hallowween, then Thanksgiving, a week later my b-day, 20 days later x-mas and then one week after that New Year's. Q4 always shoots by and I'm languid just thinking about this passage of time.
j.r.me
j.r.me
Wednesday, September 26, 2001
tribulations
Barely into this new day.
The apartment is undergoing a slow transformation. The computer is in our bedroom now. It feels more intimate/cozy. What do we need space for anyway?
Ever had that feeling that someone was reaching out, trying to become friends with you but you just weren't interested or didn't want to return the effort? What's the PC way of handling that? Is there one? On the one hand, just be direct, tell the person that you don't want to take the time to get to know them, or say you don't have the time. But really, that's not a time consuming thing all of the time. It sounds like an excuse of some sort, when it really might be the truth. There's the indirect way of just not returning calls, saying you'll call but never do, or just "losing" touch somehow. How cowardly, yet common. What brings this to mind tonight? Perhaps I'm favored to have reflected all that I've written and have only now let myself type it out.
We've been enjoying the jibberish blasting through our neighbor's window. College students, apparently out on their own for the first time. There's definitely a gay boy from the stereotypical voice vacant of masculinity. They're decent about going to bed at semi-decent hours which doesn't keep us up. I guess the loud jibberish is a fair trade for broadcasting our own sexual intimacy from time to time.
"Sleeping Sattelites"---Tasmin Archer
The apartment is undergoing a slow transformation. The computer is in our bedroom now. It feels more intimate/cozy. What do we need space for anyway?
Ever had that feeling that someone was reaching out, trying to become friends with you but you just weren't interested or didn't want to return the effort? What's the PC way of handling that? Is there one? On the one hand, just be direct, tell the person that you don't want to take the time to get to know them, or say you don't have the time. But really, that's not a time consuming thing all of the time. It sounds like an excuse of some sort, when it really might be the truth. There's the indirect way of just not returning calls, saying you'll call but never do, or just "losing" touch somehow. How cowardly, yet common. What brings this to mind tonight? Perhaps I'm favored to have reflected all that I've written and have only now let myself type it out.
We've been enjoying the jibberish blasting through our neighbor's window. College students, apparently out on their own for the first time. There's definitely a gay boy from the stereotypical voice vacant of masculinity. They're decent about going to bed at semi-decent hours which doesn't keep us up. I guess the loud jibberish is a fair trade for broadcasting our own sexual intimacy from time to time.
"Sleeping Sattelites"---Tasmin Archer
Sunday, September 23, 2001
aches & pains
The first test of the semester is tomorrow. As has been quite the accepted pattern since Junior year of high school, I haven't read through most of the chapters that will be on the test and have this idea that sometime between now and tomorrow night I'll read up on the summaries of each chapter. I'm almost laughing as I type that. The test threatens me as much as any multiple choice test does. la-la, la-la, la-la, la-la
Last Tuesday Randy & I went to the Edwards theater by UCI (University of California, Irvine) to see "Ghost World." There were some moments of rememberance. We both enjoyed the opening scene with a song that I cannot begin to spell correctly. Phonetically, just say: jahn-pah-E-chahn-HO, then shake your arms, throw in a tweaked verson of "the twist" while wearing some gold sequence and you've got a vaguely close description of our ongoing laughter. I want to start seeing more independent films again. I miss that.
If it weren't for work, I'd be regenerating in sleep from last night @ The Factory. My body either is out of shape or I simply can't endure the levels of extended aerobics that I used to. (((More likely I'm out of shape which causes the latter.))) Could I be against exercising because it's supposed to be good for me? Or am I just like millions of other Americans who realize that there would be true work involved and that kind of dedication just isn't our way of life anymore. Quick & simple is.
I got a speeding ticket on Wednesday. (While talking on my cell phone no less.) There's more money out the window. Oh... and traffic school too. Yeah.
Bobby, Joey, Randy & I moved my mom's sofa into our apartment yesterday. It came with a "lovely" layer of dog hair. And why don't I have animals in my home?
Anything else I feel like freely associating? I've been at work now for one hour and I've taken four calls. The longest call was maybe 3-4 minutes. $18.09 for sitting on my ass. Sigh. I guess there are worse jobs....but really, sleep does sound better.
Last Tuesday Randy & I went to the Edwards theater by UCI (University of California, Irvine) to see "Ghost World." There were some moments of rememberance. We both enjoyed the opening scene with a song that I cannot begin to spell correctly. Phonetically, just say: jahn-pah-E-chahn-HO, then shake your arms, throw in a tweaked verson of "the twist" while wearing some gold sequence and you've got a vaguely close description of our ongoing laughter. I want to start seeing more independent films again. I miss that.
If it weren't for work, I'd be regenerating in sleep from last night @ The Factory. My body either is out of shape or I simply can't endure the levels of extended aerobics that I used to. (((More likely I'm out of shape which causes the latter.))) Could I be against exercising because it's supposed to be good for me? Or am I just like millions of other Americans who realize that there would be true work involved and that kind of dedication just isn't our way of life anymore. Quick & simple is.
I got a speeding ticket on Wednesday. (While talking on my cell phone no less.) There's more money out the window. Oh... and traffic school too. Yeah.
Bobby, Joey, Randy & I moved my mom's sofa into our apartment yesterday. It came with a "lovely" layer of dog hair. And why don't I have animals in my home?
Anything else I feel like freely associating? I've been at work now for one hour and I've taken four calls. The longest call was maybe 3-4 minutes. $18.09 for sitting on my ass. Sigh. I guess there are worse jobs....but really, sleep does sound better.
Monday, September 17, 2001
just words
We've taken up this weeknight, bedtime ritual of watching cheesy television. I'm like in this age vortex. MTV's "Spyder Games" & "Undressed." It's light, funny, and yeah, there's that element of sex. It's not like we watch it for the wonderful writing or the Academy Award winning acting. It's just trite enough to share with the one I love.
Cigarrette smoke wafting down from upstairs. Guess it's time to go into seclusion.
Cigarrette smoke wafting down from upstairs. Guess it's time to go into seclusion.
Friday, September 14, 2001
bread crumbles (Day of Rememberance)
I guess this time at lunch is my 5 minutes, though not in silence. "Woman in Chains" by Tears for Fears is my writing companion. [So free her]
I'm not really that hungry. I ate two bagles around 11:30 and two cans of SQUIRT--a beloved beverage bestowed upon me by grandpa when I was five. I remember the sweet taste even back then. It sustains. But yeah, I should eat. But I can't.
The news and seething national emotions are quite overpowering. Even if I keep the TV off, there are the words of co-workers and friends. There are the quite unhidden expressions of strangers and the unexplainable sensations that I've always had.
Bobby called me from Madonna's concert last night @ The Staple's Center. She was playing "Secret." At the time I thought he had accidentally pushed send on his phone while there, but from his e-mail today I know that it was intentional. Frederic is moved into his new condo. D.R. is recovering from being sick the past coulple of days. I'm looking to going out again sometime soon, playing tennis, being free.
I'm not really that hungry. I ate two bagles around 11:30 and two cans of SQUIRT--a beloved beverage bestowed upon me by grandpa when I was five. I remember the sweet taste even back then. It sustains. But yeah, I should eat. But I can't.
The news and seething national emotions are quite overpowering. Even if I keep the TV off, there are the words of co-workers and friends. There are the quite unhidden expressions of strangers and the unexplainable sensations that I've always had.
Bobby called me from Madonna's concert last night @ The Staple's Center. She was playing "Secret." At the time I thought he had accidentally pushed send on his phone while there, but from his e-mail today I know that it was intentional. Frederic is moved into his new condo. D.R. is recovering from being sick the past coulple of days. I'm looking to going out again sometime soon, playing tennis, being free.
Tuesday, September 11, 2001
banishment
Long stretch of road. My car turns a corner and I can see the mountains at the end; the sky topping them off. Power lines, palm trees, panic..."am I switching gears too fast? too hard?"
The music never really is loud enough. Even though at less than #3, I can't even hear the clicking of the keyboard.
Labor Day has come and gone and I don't exactly see a six pack anywhere on my body. Halloween maybe? Oh, did I mean Judgement Day instead?
I get to speak on behalf of PFLAG again this Wednesday at Cal State Long Beach. It seems like the speaches are almost routine now. Keep it human, Jeremy
The music never really is loud enough. Even though at less than #3, I can't even hear the clicking of the keyboard.
Labor Day has come and gone and I don't exactly see a six pack anywhere on my body. Halloween maybe? Oh, did I mean Judgement Day instead?
I get to speak on behalf of PFLAG again this Wednesday at Cal State Long Beach. It seems like the speaches are almost routine now. Keep it human, Jeremy
Monday, September 10, 2001
Linking Logs
A huge group of young males, gathered, conspicuously in the absence of females, dancing, sweating, & moshing into each other. Of course, they're not gay. It's perfectly normal.
It's all about Linkin Park.
It's all about Linkin Park.
Sunday, September 09, 2001
libation
Okay....well...I just wrote a long entry about what's going on around me right now, but the anti-virus scan began in the middle and....tada.... no more entry.
The gist.... drinking = walls coming down and some people let the walls down too much. Other's become obnoxious and I don't like being around them... and still others are happy, talkative people.
The part I'm having the most trouble with is discerning which is the true personality of the peeps.... the everyday words, the drunken one liners, or a combination of the two.
The gist.... drinking = walls coming down and some people let the walls down too much. Other's become obnoxious and I don't like being around them... and still others are happy, talkative people.
The part I'm having the most trouble with is discerning which is the true personality of the peeps.... the everyday words, the drunken one liners, or a combination of the two.
Saturday, September 08, 2001
pretty nappy
Soon we'll be trekking off to Arturo The Churro's place in Newhall. Our first time there for a friendly gathering, geeky computer gamefest & gluttony with the most healthy of all foods, I'm sure.
While Randy was in the shower, I lay in bed and thought of taking Bobby to his first rave. It was such a magnificently fun night at "Pitch Black." Wes was there with us--a friend for a season.
So enjoy in your youth the absolute power that sheds like skin cells over the years
While Randy was in the shower, I lay in bed and thought of taking Bobby to his first rave. It was such a magnificently fun night at "Pitch Black." Wes was there with us--a friend for a season.
So enjoy in your youth the absolute power that sheds like skin cells over the years
Monday, September 03, 2001
picket fences (Labor Day)
I find myself sometimes being stupid on purpose to make him laugh. When he laughs, it's like an endorphin release; I've done something good. He makes me happy and I start thinking of a future that I've wanted for a long time.
Saturday, September 01, 2001
taken to the cleaners
How far gone does one have to be not to realize the damage they are doing. (Not only to themselves, but to the closest friends to them as well.) And worse yet, why did it become acceptable to lie to me? My understanding and calm visage is gone now. I can imagine the tones of red that are suffusing through the outter layers of my skin right now. God Damn You FUcKin Bastard!
One of the things I've prided myself on personally as I've aged is that I've eased in my hard attitude toward everything. I think I've tried to become more neutral, moderate in viewpoints. Nathan is provoking the earlier me back into existence. I never thought I'd be here, but I'll be glad when I don't have to share a living space with him anymore. Drugs, depression & dumb-ass decision have finally landed him on my boot. I understand now what people talk about when they say "tough love." It means loving someone so much that you can't be the person that makes their stupid decision "okay" anymore. I certainly can't. My rent, my relationship & my sense of friendship have all been violated these past few days.
D.R. will be moving in shortly. I feel bad for Randy because he's going from one of my friends to another, but I think even he can sense the tremendous difference in personalities and places in life between D.R. & Nathan.
I believe Mr. Cardwell is in New Orleans this weekend. Shit, what I wouldn't give to be there right now. I was there in 1997 when Princess Diana died. I remember the queens gathering in the hotel lobby to watch the news. At the time I was a stranger to certain drugs, alcohol was mine. Funny. Until this instant I had forgotten about the guy that followed me around for a night and then we actually made eyes and talked. We went back to my hotel room at which time he proceeded to explain that he felt weird and wasn't sure what was going on. He said he had taken ecstasy. That meant nothing to me at the time except that this was probably someone that I didn't want to be messing around with; those dirty drugs. I kindly, tactfully, escorted him to the hotel lobby without as much as a kiss. I rounded off that weekend by feeling women's breasts for the first time in my life.
So many memories filed away. A sudden chemical triggers the resurgence of those engrams. And so now becomes Nathan.
One of the things I've prided myself on personally as I've aged is that I've eased in my hard attitude toward everything. I think I've tried to become more neutral, moderate in viewpoints. Nathan is provoking the earlier me back into existence. I never thought I'd be here, but I'll be glad when I don't have to share a living space with him anymore. Drugs, depression & dumb-ass decision have finally landed him on my boot. I understand now what people talk about when they say "tough love." It means loving someone so much that you can't be the person that makes their stupid decision "okay" anymore. I certainly can't. My rent, my relationship & my sense of friendship have all been violated these past few days.
D.R. will be moving in shortly. I feel bad for Randy because he's going from one of my friends to another, but I think even he can sense the tremendous difference in personalities and places in life between D.R. & Nathan.
I believe Mr. Cardwell is in New Orleans this weekend. Shit, what I wouldn't give to be there right now. I was there in 1997 when Princess Diana died. I remember the queens gathering in the hotel lobby to watch the news. At the time I was a stranger to certain drugs, alcohol was mine. Funny. Until this instant I had forgotten about the guy that followed me around for a night and then we actually made eyes and talked. We went back to my hotel room at which time he proceeded to explain that he felt weird and wasn't sure what was going on. He said he had taken ecstasy. That meant nothing to me at the time except that this was probably someone that I didn't want to be messing around with; those dirty drugs. I kindly, tactfully, escorted him to the hotel lobby without as much as a kiss. I rounded off that weekend by feeling women's breasts for the first time in my life.
So many memories filed away. A sudden chemical triggers the resurgence of those engrams. And so now becomes Nathan.
Thursday, August 30, 2001
Wading Pool
Washing my face each night before I go to bed is one of those hygenic "hassles" that reminds me how vain I can be. Ahh....the secrets of clear, healthy skin; not so secret really.
I see another months is tilting its hat at the passing of its prime. I can't say that August is a month that I much care for. There was always that feeling of dred that the Summer had ended and that school was just around the corner.
There's a glimmer in the waters of the Gulf and a silence here on the beaches of the Pacific. It aches in a way that I know keeps me alive and kicking. I remember buffed fingernails--have I really ever been that strong? I suppose I can dream about that tonight, awakening to an unconscious realization.
I see another months is tilting its hat at the passing of its prime. I can't say that August is a month that I much care for. There was always that feeling of dred that the Summer had ended and that school was just around the corner.
There's a glimmer in the waters of the Gulf and a silence here on the beaches of the Pacific. It aches in a way that I know keeps me alive and kicking. I remember buffed fingernails--have I really ever been that strong? I suppose I can dream about that tonight, awakening to an unconscious realization.
Wednesday, August 29, 2001
avalanche
I started reading. "The Front Runner" by Patricia Nell Warren. I'm up to chapter four and already I'm engrossed, which is saying a lot considering that I can probably count the number of books I've read on both hands for the last 10 years. The story opens literally five days after my birth in 1974. I'm finding passages that would be good to read to classes while speaking on behalf of PFLAG. Passages that convey very simply and honestly what it is to be gay without preaching about it.
I'm still poor. It's not about the money. haha
Mark & I walked arount Belmont Shores today. I could have joined the FRONTLINE for GreenPeace, but it probably wouldn't have been for the right reasons. I'm broke, I need my money more than GreenPeace does. They just want my grean pieces.
I'm supposed to be doing some overtime right now. Aye (shaking head).
I'm still poor. It's not about the money. haha
Mark & I walked arount Belmont Shores today. I could have joined the FRONTLINE for GreenPeace, but it probably wouldn't have been for the right reasons. I'm broke, I need my money more than GreenPeace does. They just want my grean pieces.
I'm supposed to be doing some overtime right now. Aye (shaking head).
Thursday, August 23, 2001
Desire
Write everyday. That was a command to myself. Good luck, Jer-.
Today was my day off, but I went into work for a class called "Managing Multiple Projects." I took it more for the "look good" factor more than I did to really learn anything new about myself. I guessed before taking the class that my biggest obstacle for completing tasks would be my own procrastination. So what did the 3-page self-assessment say? That I procrastinate a lot. I guess it's really cool knowing myself.
So the class, combined with going back to school, sparked this desire in me to get things completed. I rearranged our bedroom and cleaned out the closet. The whole apartment, save Nathan's room, is vacuumed. I think I burnt out the cleaning desire, but there are other things that I want to complete, like reading a book. I seriously need to sit down and go through my values and instead of just knowing and feeling them, actually put them down on paper or on here so they're a bit more tangible. Ahh....but wait....
The whole time I was sitting in the class and starting to feel the rejuvenation of all this wonderful organization and order, I remembered how in the past this structure deadened the creative chaos that I have managed to keep alive. Conflicts...conflicts. I need to plan time to plan time...haha. I need time. Got any? Got Time?
Today was my day off, but I went into work for a class called "Managing Multiple Projects." I took it more for the "look good" factor more than I did to really learn anything new about myself. I guessed before taking the class that my biggest obstacle for completing tasks would be my own procrastination. So what did the 3-page self-assessment say? That I procrastinate a lot. I guess it's really cool knowing myself.
So the class, combined with going back to school, sparked this desire in me to get things completed. I rearranged our bedroom and cleaned out the closet. The whole apartment, save Nathan's room, is vacuumed. I think I burnt out the cleaning desire, but there are other things that I want to complete, like reading a book. I seriously need to sit down and go through my values and instead of just knowing and feeling them, actually put them down on paper or on here so they're a bit more tangible. Ahh....but wait....
The whole time I was sitting in the class and starting to feel the rejuvenation of all this wonderful organization and order, I remembered how in the past this structure deadened the creative chaos that I have managed to keep alive. Conflicts...conflicts. I need to plan time to plan time...haha. I need time. Got any? Got Time?
Tuesday, August 21, 2001
purple, yellow, blue
I have the next two days off of work. Well, THursday I'm suppposed to show up for 4 hours to take a class; overtime. Yippee. While physically I become stronger, more healthy, (better?), I am still not relaxed. I am not at ease. It's the living of life, the strife & failures, the joy and accomplishments that we say makes it all worth living. Somewhere...over some rainbow, skies ARE blue. Oh find that place in the world where fingers fit gloves. I feel like I'm going through life knowing that I want briefs but opening up drawers full of boxers. Things are all loose, not secure.
Last night was the first night of school for Randy & I. I think it's going to be a fun and easy semester taking Human Sexuality. I hope the class thins out a bit. The best quote from our professor last night was, "Please don't ask me for a stapler and please don't lie to me." This was said with a tone that was very clear that both things were on equal par with one another. =) I learned some interesting new words last night. I think my favorite word or choice for right now is "Pink Taco."
In the past few weeks I've got to spend some time with D.R. Looking back to my days meeting and getting to know him I never would have thought that he would still be in my life now. He dates back to the time of my last Randy and the nine months of that relationship. When I watch the struggles in his life, share the weights of my mind, I am reminded about what it is that makes this world tolerable.
j.r.me
Last night was the first night of school for Randy & I. I think it's going to be a fun and easy semester taking Human Sexuality. I hope the class thins out a bit. The best quote from our professor last night was, "Please don't ask me for a stapler and please don't lie to me." This was said with a tone that was very clear that both things were on equal par with one another. =) I learned some interesting new words last night. I think my favorite word or choice for right now is "Pink Taco."
In the past few weeks I've got to spend some time with D.R. Looking back to my days meeting and getting to know him I never would have thought that he would still be in my life now. He dates back to the time of my last Randy and the nine months of that relationship. When I watch the struggles in his life, share the weights of my mind, I am reminded about what it is that makes this world tolerable.
j.r.me
Monday, August 13, 2001
dissolve
Remember that time when I was clinging to the memory of my high school days & friends? I couldn't think of my life without them. Here I am. The last few times that I have had actual physical contact with them it has been like two people who remember a person but don't "know" the people anymore. Something similar seeps in now. Being a couple, I find that I gravitate toward wanting to do "couple" things. Maybe I need a new magazine subscription.
I also need a better savings plan. I'm not doing well on that front. Meanwhile....there's a pizza in the oven that I need to take out and eat.
Ahhh...j.r.me
I also need a better savings plan. I'm not doing well on that front. Meanwhile....there's a pizza in the oven that I need to take out and eat.
Ahhh...j.r.me
Friday, August 10, 2001
generations
Fever. Not just in the morning or at night. Oh baby won't you treat me right. I just popped my over-the-counter concoction of two asprin and an Advil to help with the Allegra I took earlier in the day. My head still feels like a crockpot without a pressure valve. I feel hot from the inside out, but my skin is relatively cool.
Last night dancing I spent a lot of time on the sideline watching/being watched and thinking about where I am. Joey Goodgome was at RAGE and that's a name that takes me back to first coming out and dancing out OZZ. There was this time at OZZ when he was having his 21st b-day and I must've been 18 or 19. He was completely drunk and I had thought he was so cute on the dancefloor for so long and started talking with him. Back then, my naive & dream-filled mind thought it was this momentous event when he kissed me. Last night, flashing that memory next to the person he's become--not much different--made me realize how different I am.
I'm 8 months into my relationship and this is the time when I have previously found or looked for reasons to be single again. In actualality what I've done in the past is use existing reasons as excuses to exit the relationships. I remember with Lanny there was the reasoning of me not knowing whether I wanted to remain in a relationship--a way of deferring blame to myself rather than some action or behavior of his. While that reason was valid, it was immature in its development. I realized while @ RAGE that I will always have people looking at me and I will always be recognizing attraction. It's the action taken or not that is important, not the impulse that is an autonomic reflex. I'm still growing. That naive kid still plays with the infinite possibilities outside of the innocent box that it grew in. I like that. I'd be afraid if my imagination someday shorted and my life became WYSIWYG.
Some other thoughts...... Yeah, typos are a piece of life so get used to them. I think some people might have a misconception of what this journal does for me. It is not a way that I can indirectly communicate with others in my life. These words are written with the basic idea that they are for MYSELF. This is my space. These are my engrams pieced out as well as I can translate myself to myself in the hope that I will learn something in the long run and have a history of how I shaped who I am. YES, there are personal matters of my life as well as other people's lives, but the intention is not for the words here to usurp, negate, or supercede those that I would say face to face to someone. The fact that there are thoughts listed here in print doesn't necessarily mean that I want to discuss them in person. (It doesn't mean that I don't.) It simply means that I'm thinking them, I'm contemplating them, I'm cutting & pasting them, I'm reliving them. It's mine...
It was interesting to me to read that one year ago today I was basically sick with the same symptoms that I'm experiencing right now. The doctor seems to think that it may be allergies. Hmm...seems logical. He also feels that I have high blood pressure. =( It is in the family.... so the next two weeks is my attempt to restructure eating, exercise & natural remedies. Bannanas anyone?
I'm due for another glass of water. Ahh... life's sweet juice....haha
Last night dancing I spent a lot of time on the sideline watching/being watched and thinking about where I am. Joey Goodgome was at RAGE and that's a name that takes me back to first coming out and dancing out OZZ. There was this time at OZZ when he was having his 21st b-day and I must've been 18 or 19. He was completely drunk and I had thought he was so cute on the dancefloor for so long and started talking with him. Back then, my naive & dream-filled mind thought it was this momentous event when he kissed me. Last night, flashing that memory next to the person he's become--not much different--made me realize how different I am.
I'm 8 months into my relationship and this is the time when I have previously found or looked for reasons to be single again. In actualality what I've done in the past is use existing reasons as excuses to exit the relationships. I remember with Lanny there was the reasoning of me not knowing whether I wanted to remain in a relationship--a way of deferring blame to myself rather than some action or behavior of his. While that reason was valid, it was immature in its development. I realized while @ RAGE that I will always have people looking at me and I will always be recognizing attraction. It's the action taken or not that is important, not the impulse that is an autonomic reflex. I'm still growing. That naive kid still plays with the infinite possibilities outside of the innocent box that it grew in. I like that. I'd be afraid if my imagination someday shorted and my life became WYSIWYG.
Some other thoughts...... Yeah, typos are a piece of life so get used to them. I think some people might have a misconception of what this journal does for me. It is not a way that I can indirectly communicate with others in my life. These words are written with the basic idea that they are for MYSELF. This is my space. These are my engrams pieced out as well as I can translate myself to myself in the hope that I will learn something in the long run and have a history of how I shaped who I am. YES, there are personal matters of my life as well as other people's lives, but the intention is not for the words here to usurp, negate, or supercede those that I would say face to face to someone. The fact that there are thoughts listed here in print doesn't necessarily mean that I want to discuss them in person. (It doesn't mean that I don't.) It simply means that I'm thinking them, I'm contemplating them, I'm cutting & pasting them, I'm reliving them. It's mine...
It was interesting to me to read that one year ago today I was basically sick with the same symptoms that I'm experiencing right now. The doctor seems to think that it may be allergies. Hmm...seems logical. He also feels that I have high blood pressure. =( It is in the family.... so the next two weeks is my attempt to restructure eating, exercise & natural remedies. Bannanas anyone?
I'm due for another glass of water. Ahh... life's sweet juice....haha
Wednesday, August 08, 2001
blood type
THIS THOUGHT RIGHT NOW
I'm like....yeah, you know? And then, sometimes, it's like--that funny feeling that jumps out at me; hmm. So I was thinking....and then it got away from me and I thought, oh yeah!! What a freak.
OKAY, THE NEXT THOUGHT
It's so late, and I'm so not tired, and I so think that using the word "so" again would be so redundant, but so satisfying for this mood. Silly. There is this inescapable truth to psychological patterns, molds, connections. The reasons why one type of person is drawn toward another. Jeremy Woods, Randy Avery, & Lanny Brown all had problems when it came to alcohol. Problems that I have watched them grow through & resolve (save Jeremy) but nonetheless I was drawn to them at the times when they were heavy into the alcohol. I'm afraid of that pattern with Randy (present). I think it's a purely unconscious attraction on my part, but as I'm more keen on seeing it, it becomes ever more conscious. As I type I can hear Randy seemingly talking to himself in the bedroom.
EARLIER TONIGHT
Nathan & I had a great dinner tonight. I feel like he's let me a little more into the realm of what he's dealing with and as I'm more a part of that, I feel less shunned. We carried the night over to Mickey's where the music was surprisingly phenomenal and the eye candy spring fresh....haha. We went back to my car for me to towel off (drenched as I was) and to take a breather. There was a message from Randy on my voice mail that Bobby & Joey were coming over to keep him company so we decided to go home to see them.
NOW BACK TO RIGHT NOW
Bobby & Joey have left to go home. I miss spending as much time with them as I used to. They live in Riverside and the distance is some of the factor, but also, the fact that I don't go out and dance as often on Thursday Nights with them cuts down on when I see them. It's all okay....in the end I know that things are as they are for a reason, though it may elude me today. They're my little brothers and they always will be.
I didn't intend on a book tonight, but there is a lot on my mind an I haven't really scratched the surface.
asdfjkl;, asdfjkl;, aqa, aza, sws, ded, juj, kik, lol, ;p;, and these are the fingers lessons I learned that for some reason just popped into my head.
goodnight.... j.r.me
I'm like....yeah, you know? And then, sometimes, it's like--that funny feeling that jumps out at me; hmm. So I was thinking....and then it got away from me and I thought, oh yeah!! What a freak.
OKAY, THE NEXT THOUGHT
It's so late, and I'm so not tired, and I so think that using the word "so" again would be so redundant, but so satisfying for this mood. Silly. There is this inescapable truth to psychological patterns, molds, connections. The reasons why one type of person is drawn toward another. Jeremy Woods, Randy Avery, & Lanny Brown all had problems when it came to alcohol. Problems that I have watched them grow through & resolve (save Jeremy) but nonetheless I was drawn to them at the times when they were heavy into the alcohol. I'm afraid of that pattern with Randy (present). I think it's a purely unconscious attraction on my part, but as I'm more keen on seeing it, it becomes ever more conscious. As I type I can hear Randy seemingly talking to himself in the bedroom.
EARLIER TONIGHT
Nathan & I had a great dinner tonight. I feel like he's let me a little more into the realm of what he's dealing with and as I'm more a part of that, I feel less shunned. We carried the night over to Mickey's where the music was surprisingly phenomenal and the eye candy spring fresh....haha. We went back to my car for me to towel off (drenched as I was) and to take a breather. There was a message from Randy on my voice mail that Bobby & Joey were coming over to keep him company so we decided to go home to see them.
NOW BACK TO RIGHT NOW
Bobby & Joey have left to go home. I miss spending as much time with them as I used to. They live in Riverside and the distance is some of the factor, but also, the fact that I don't go out and dance as often on Thursday Nights with them cuts down on when I see them. It's all okay....in the end I know that things are as they are for a reason, though it may elude me today. They're my little brothers and they always will be.
I didn't intend on a book tonight, but there is a lot on my mind an I haven't really scratched the surface.
asdfjkl;, asdfjkl;, aqa, aza, sws, ded, juj, kik, lol, ;p;, and these are the fingers lessons I learned that for some reason just popped into my head.
goodnight.... j.r.me
Friday, August 03, 2001
window typing
808 State? In my youth so many eons ago I seem to remember that 808 had something to do with a music group name.
Cloning fraud is what we're supposed to be learning about right now, however, our "Subject Matter Expert" seems to think that each of us needs to have a copy of the paperwork, so she's out copying while we're sitting here bored to death. (Again) Well. Maybe death is a bit extreme. I still feel my pulse waking me now & again.
Training ends today. I really want to go out and dance. Who to find to go? Where to go? I had a hard time sleeping last night. I think it's because Nathan didn't come home. I woke up several times.
Oh, and yes, I definitely remember now, I AM half Asian. Love ya Randy.
j.r.me
Cloning fraud is what we're supposed to be learning about right now, however, our "Subject Matter Expert" seems to think that each of us needs to have a copy of the paperwork, so she's out copying while we're sitting here bored to death. (Again) Well. Maybe death is a bit extreme. I still feel my pulse waking me now & again.
Training ends today. I really want to go out and dance. Who to find to go? Where to go? I had a hard time sleeping last night. I think it's because Nathan didn't come home. I woke up several times.
Oh, and yes, I definitely remember now, I AM half Asian. Love ya Randy.
j.r.me
Thursday, August 02, 2001
learning
Sitting here in training, I'm remembering the feeling of being in school again. I'm staring into space, bored because it doesn't move fast enough. I don't think it ever can.
I was reading some of the other diaries on here yesterday when I got home from work. There was a very bad vibe at home and to clear the air I tried to focus on other people's lives. A pseudo-escape into real life/pseudo-fiction lives of others. It wasn't really working, so Randy & I went to school to see why our registration was halted. Ahh, schoolastic bureaucracy.
So we're on a break now. The trainers are discussing their schedule for tomorrow, a couple other technicians are talking about taxing churches and here I am in the corner of the building, staring out the window of the second floor, watching the smokers down below. Gray is starting to leave. The sun in finally burning through. My reflection is in the window and I'm watching my fingers race across the keyboard. I don't think I've every done that before, watched my own fingers on the keyboard through a reflection. It's almost confusing.
But hey....I'm bored, not confused. I think I'm half Asian too. Bye bye.
j.r.me
I was reading some of the other diaries on here yesterday when I got home from work. There was a very bad vibe at home and to clear the air I tried to focus on other people's lives. A pseudo-escape into real life/pseudo-fiction lives of others. It wasn't really working, so Randy & I went to school to see why our registration was halted. Ahh, schoolastic bureaucracy.
So we're on a break now. The trainers are discussing their schedule for tomorrow, a couple other technicians are talking about taxing churches and here I am in the corner of the building, staring out the window of the second floor, watching the smokers down below. Gray is starting to leave. The sun in finally burning through. My reflection is in the window and I'm watching my fingers race across the keyboard. I don't think I've every done that before, watched my own fingers on the keyboard through a reflection. It's almost confusing.
But hey....I'm bored, not confused. I think I'm half Asian too. Bye bye.
j.r.me
Tuesday, July 24, 2001
Friday, July 20, 2001
fantasy..haha
"The Sounds Of Nature..."
I'm watching Holly for the next couple days. Not really watching, just checking in on and feeding. Animals, like children, have an adept sense of remembering people and how they treat them.
In writing the last few times, I've thought about the concept of a writer's date with his/herself. It's a concept that was proposed to me in a gift that Mark gave me one year. I actually tried doing it a few times, but never really stuck with it. I think the hard part for me is just going out by myself to places, events, areas. It's more difficult now being involved, but sitting here waiting for the cable guy and being alone I'm reminded that I should probably try.
So the cable guy comes....hahahaha. I guess the reality is what I get for having some half-cocked porno fantasy of what the cable guy "might" have looked like. Yeah, we all know that I wouldn't be doing anything anyway, but it doesn't mean that the creation of fantasy doesn't happen anyway. Short, bald, 10 o'clock shadow, heavyset & a thick Middle Eastern accent was definitly not in the script.
Okay, waiting for some more songs to download on Aimster and then off to the bank. I was left word by Randy this morning that Nathan has cancelled on me for hanging out today. I don't know why yet but it's not a good sign that plans are not being followed through. I hope he's using the time for something worthwhile.
I spent last night with Randy C. & Linda. I hadn't been to Randy's in quite some time. Still looks the same. Same comfortable couches, same bushy haired cats, same wine drinking Linda. What happens to us as we're forming to cause us to be so shut off and hard to read? I relate to Randy in this way and in silence I somehow feel close.
Alas, not close enough to fill this gap I have right now. Well...we'll see. I have tennis this evening with D.R. and the rest of the night with Humbee. Tomorrow work, Sunday beach, Monday-Friday training. And where am I?
j.r.me
I'm watching Holly for the next couple days. Not really watching, just checking in on and feeding. Animals, like children, have an adept sense of remembering people and how they treat them.
In writing the last few times, I've thought about the concept of a writer's date with his/herself. It's a concept that was proposed to me in a gift that Mark gave me one year. I actually tried doing it a few times, but never really stuck with it. I think the hard part for me is just going out by myself to places, events, areas. It's more difficult now being involved, but sitting here waiting for the cable guy and being alone I'm reminded that I should probably try.
So the cable guy comes....hahahaha. I guess the reality is what I get for having some half-cocked porno fantasy of what the cable guy "might" have looked like. Yeah, we all know that I wouldn't be doing anything anyway, but it doesn't mean that the creation of fantasy doesn't happen anyway. Short, bald, 10 o'clock shadow, heavyset & a thick Middle Eastern accent was definitly not in the script.
Okay, waiting for some more songs to download on Aimster and then off to the bank. I was left word by Randy this morning that Nathan has cancelled on me for hanging out today. I don't know why yet but it's not a good sign that plans are not being followed through. I hope he's using the time for something worthwhile.
I spent last night with Randy C. & Linda. I hadn't been to Randy's in quite some time. Still looks the same. Same comfortable couches, same bushy haired cats, same wine drinking Linda. What happens to us as we're forming to cause us to be so shut off and hard to read? I relate to Randy in this way and in silence I somehow feel close.
Alas, not close enough to fill this gap I have right now. Well...we'll see. I have tennis this evening with D.R. and the rest of the night with Humbee. Tomorrow work, Sunday beach, Monday-Friday training. And where am I?
j.r.me
Tuesday, July 17, 2001
Being Straight
I never really reflected too much about my Viagra experience. It wasn't that BIG a deal. =) Imagine not having control over a part of your body and no matter what you thought about or tried to cloud your mind with once stimulated, you're stiff.
Granted I probably shouldn't have tried the entire 100mg, but even a lesser dose may not be something that I'd want to try in the future. I could feel my body temperature change for sure, something I am not generally looking to happen. It was even more intense than a standard roll which doesn't so much raise the temperature of my body as it does my heart rate.
I'm a little more than half way through the day and still haven't done anything. The laziness has been nice, but now I think I'll actually go do some laundry, some more hygenic stuff, maybe I should eat too.
j.r.me
Granted I probably shouldn't have tried the entire 100mg, but even a lesser dose may not be something that I'd want to try in the future. I could feel my body temperature change for sure, something I am not generally looking to happen. It was even more intense than a standard roll which doesn't so much raise the temperature of my body as it does my heart rate.
I'm a little more than half way through the day and still haven't done anything. The laziness has been nice, but now I think I'll actually go do some laundry, some more hygenic stuff, maybe I should eat too.
j.r.me
Monday, July 16, 2001
Maybe I'll Walk
This computer has been running more slowly lately so I've been spending the last hour going through unnecessary programs and files and clearing space on the hard drive. I'd like to reboot right now, but I'm waiting for files to get downloaded on AIMSTER, my new Napster replacement. I was having withdrawls.
Randy is off to have dinner with the parents. There was an open invite, but I'm in no mood to deal with his parents. I'm not really in a mood to deal with anyone right now. Stay clear. =)
I'm allowing myself to really dwell right now. Dangerous only because it stirs doubts into frenzy bugs, buzz buzz buzzing. Moral absolutes are easy, but lack the color and zest that I'd like to see in my life.
Money would help too...but after cutting off $13k a year I'm still afloat. The impending BK hearing on Thursday does play something into my mood right now. I believe the past arguement was something about taking responsibility and being accountable for one's actions. I'm sure there are much better things in the world to beat myself up about, but this is it, here & now, and I have to lay this to rest soon.
I mentioned before how I don't feel like I have anyone I can talk to. I thought about using the company's (VZW's) EAP program, but that's not really the kind of talking I want right now. I'm longing for that deep closeness of someone that I genuinely feel close to; not the remnant closeness of someone that I once shared much with but now we fumble around latching onto past moments.
Maybe I'll walk.
Randy is off to have dinner with the parents. There was an open invite, but I'm in no mood to deal with his parents. I'm not really in a mood to deal with anyone right now. Stay clear. =)
I'm allowing myself to really dwell right now. Dangerous only because it stirs doubts into frenzy bugs, buzz buzz buzzing. Moral absolutes are easy, but lack the color and zest that I'd like to see in my life.
Money would help too...but after cutting off $13k a year I'm still afloat. The impending BK hearing on Thursday does play something into my mood right now. I believe the past arguement was something about taking responsibility and being accountable for one's actions. I'm sure there are much better things in the world to beat myself up about, but this is it, here & now, and I have to lay this to rest soon.
I mentioned before how I don't feel like I have anyone I can talk to. I thought about using the company's (VZW's) EAP program, but that's not really the kind of talking I want right now. I'm longing for that deep closeness of someone that I genuinely feel close to; not the remnant closeness of someone that I once shared much with but now we fumble around latching onto past moments.
Maybe I'll walk.
Thursday, July 12, 2001
intensity
Angry noises start off my home tonight. The silent ones are the loudest. As the week has been wearing on, I'm growing more and more drained. I haven't been doing well at getting to bed at that midnight goal. Maybe if it were more of a competition... lol
My transitioning from departments at work is turning out to be more bleak than I had initially thought. The antiquated machinery that I'll be using is going to frustrate me. My "cube" neighbor is one of those disgustingly fake nice people who sounds like she's been doped up on Prozac or an equivalent anti-depressant. Of course, she has a Customer ACE award right at her desk. Puke.
Even though I may look for another job, I probably won't actually go through with interviewing quite yet. I have to give this transition a try. How does a week sound? Honestly, I'll probably remain through the end of the year and then look for a supervisor position within the organization. By then, I'll have finished another semester of school and boy how smart will that make me.
Smirnoff Ice. Kinda tastes like lemonade. It's mighty good at first, but then my breathing becomes impaired by the way it makes my nasal passages get all stuffy.
I have to be up by 7:30am so I can take my car into the Acura dealership and have the CD player looked at. Lube lube lube... Of course, I'm not tired.
So yeah, this weak has been long so far. I don't really feel that I have anyone anymore to talk about the things in my life to. I don't feel close to anyone in particular and to some degree, I feel like I've gotten so used to relying on myself again that the need to share thoughts has not been so urgent. In trusting my instincts right now, I don't feel like sharing. I feel I should just sort this out in my head and then be. Aye aye aye...this is how it should be for now.
Randy and Nathan are not getting along. Hehehe. Serves me fucking right for not listening to myself back in March. I was in such a hurry to get out of my mother's place that I chose risk against instinct. Instinct said that Nathan had a drug problem that I did not want to get pulled into. Instinct told me that even though everyone liked Randy, that a repeat of what happened with Laney would be in my future. (A repeat in terms of the relationship being somewhat non-harmonious to a triad living situation.) I wanted a new start in my own place again. Here we are.
I know that the two of them are jealous of each other when one gets to spend time with me. Shit, I'm jealous, because I can't hardly get a moment to breathe by myself anymore. Even these moments to write are spent in a small heat of guilt for not going to bed instead, but oh well. I'm entitled. I'm remaining as neutral and out of the feud as possible. A part of me wants to sit down and say, "Look boys, we all have to live here and I'm tired of this." but I know that right now I haven't the energy, that I'm bothered that they can't deal with their own emotions directly and decisively so that my home harmony is not disrupted. That's a bigger issue in itself....a peaceful home, something I've always worked at attaining.
I've been thinking about my grandmother a lot lately, but not in direct picturing her thoughts. I think as I start to tire and look for support, she is always in the recesses of my support system. I'm no Saint, but my expectations of people must be through the roof with the way I feel let down. It's not necessarily true that people have done anything to me directly, but it's that empathic emotion that runs through the common energies connecting us. I feel this ugly deception, denial, death surging through and maybe that's what has me down lately. I wonder if I let others down. I am perhaps not as giving of myself and this could be their interpretation of a "let down?" ...I was just on YAHOO and not just there but many places you have categories for people that have the basics: SINGLE, MARRIED, DIVORICED.... but all too common is also, MARRIED, BUT LOOKING. Infedilty sucks man...it blows a cactus w/out lube. And I don't know how big I really am.
I started writing an hour ago. I keep pausing to go through DanceSafe mail, websites, and try to collect from the pool that is my head. Come what may.
If you smile someday
Shady sandpaper might smooth you over
Disguising it's grip in lotion
the candle wax hardening, not dripping away.
But not every smile is sadness
sometimes the tears are rivers free
making green the tiny seeded ground
making green
j.r.me
My transitioning from departments at work is turning out to be more bleak than I had initially thought. The antiquated machinery that I'll be using is going to frustrate me. My "cube" neighbor is one of those disgustingly fake nice people who sounds like she's been doped up on Prozac or an equivalent anti-depressant. Of course, she has a Customer ACE award right at her desk. Puke.
Even though I may look for another job, I probably won't actually go through with interviewing quite yet. I have to give this transition a try. How does a week sound? Honestly, I'll probably remain through the end of the year and then look for a supervisor position within the organization. By then, I'll have finished another semester of school and boy how smart will that make me.
Smirnoff Ice. Kinda tastes like lemonade. It's mighty good at first, but then my breathing becomes impaired by the way it makes my nasal passages get all stuffy.
I have to be up by 7:30am so I can take my car into the Acura dealership and have the CD player looked at. Lube lube lube... Of course, I'm not tired.
So yeah, this weak has been long so far. I don't really feel that I have anyone anymore to talk about the things in my life to. I don't feel close to anyone in particular and to some degree, I feel like I've gotten so used to relying on myself again that the need to share thoughts has not been so urgent. In trusting my instincts right now, I don't feel like sharing. I feel I should just sort this out in my head and then be. Aye aye aye...this is how it should be for now.
Randy and Nathan are not getting along. Hehehe. Serves me fucking right for not listening to myself back in March. I was in such a hurry to get out of my mother's place that I chose risk against instinct. Instinct said that Nathan had a drug problem that I did not want to get pulled into. Instinct told me that even though everyone liked Randy, that a repeat of what happened with Laney would be in my future. (A repeat in terms of the relationship being somewhat non-harmonious to a triad living situation.) I wanted a new start in my own place again. Here we are.
I know that the two of them are jealous of each other when one gets to spend time with me. Shit, I'm jealous, because I can't hardly get a moment to breathe by myself anymore. Even these moments to write are spent in a small heat of guilt for not going to bed instead, but oh well. I'm entitled. I'm remaining as neutral and out of the feud as possible. A part of me wants to sit down and say, "Look boys, we all have to live here and I'm tired of this." but I know that right now I haven't the energy, that I'm bothered that they can't deal with their own emotions directly and decisively so that my home harmony is not disrupted. That's a bigger issue in itself....a peaceful home, something I've always worked at attaining.
I've been thinking about my grandmother a lot lately, but not in direct picturing her thoughts. I think as I start to tire and look for support, she is always in the recesses of my support system. I'm no Saint, but my expectations of people must be through the roof with the way I feel let down. It's not necessarily true that people have done anything to me directly, but it's that empathic emotion that runs through the common energies connecting us. I feel this ugly deception, denial, death surging through and maybe that's what has me down lately. I wonder if I let others down. I am perhaps not as giving of myself and this could be their interpretation of a "let down?" ...I was just on YAHOO and not just there but many places you have categories for people that have the basics: SINGLE, MARRIED, DIVORICED.... but all too common is also, MARRIED, BUT LOOKING. Infedilty sucks man...it blows a cactus w/out lube. And I don't know how big I really am.
I started writing an hour ago. I keep pausing to go through DanceSafe mail, websites, and try to collect from the pool that is my head. Come what may.
If you smile someday
Shady sandpaper might smooth you over
Disguising it's grip in lotion
the candle wax hardening, not dripping away.
But not every smile is sadness
sometimes the tears are rivers free
making green the tiny seeded ground
making green
j.r.me
Tuesday, July 10, 2001
tires
People talk of change as if it builds up and then unleashes itself in this huge explosion. I think that's just the visible spectrum, like light. There is always something changing, always something more.
j.r.me
j.r.me
Wednesday, July 04, 2001
Salad Soup (Indy Pen Dance)
I didn't reset my alarm last night to compensate for the 30 minute shift in work hours today so I have an extra 30 to ponder this morning. I've already read/deleted my junk e-mail so I thought I'd expand on that fruit salad. I mean...it's only good while it's fresh; eventually even the sweetest juices make the salad soggy.
We need a vacuum. I thought my holiday pay for Memorial Day was going to be in the last paycheck, but it wasn't, so I'm waiting for that because the bug situation in this apartment is really bugging me. (That was sad.)
Tonight we have been invited to Lost Angeles to spend time with Brian and others. Low key, nice, friendly, and probably exactly the environment that I need before going out dancing tomorrow night.
Just this last Sunday I went out to "The Boom" with Nathan & Ryan. I honestly had a lot of fun there. Chuck & Jeff, Randy C., JD, and some others. The free admission and my jumping bean legs were a good lure. While leaving I heard my name called by Joseph, Dustin's ex-boyfriend. He's a dancer there at The Boom now. He had the same reaction that boys seem to have when I mention that I'm going home to my boyfriend: "He let's YOU come out dancing without him?" I always sense an implied insinuation when people say that, but then again I usually sense an attraction on their behalf too. Another ounce of gay culture that I've grown accustom to.
I was told by Nathan last week that we may need a new roommate by the end of July, but in the same conversation I was told that nothing is certain yet and he really wasn't sure. I've been riding this out, waiting, understanding that there are issues and complications that are so far beyond my helping him that just keeping afloat here is best for now. Though my fruit salad contains these thoughts of seaching for a roommate, the real juice here is finding this friend who can't find himself. In some ways I feel like I'm condoning/contributing to his inability to stay away from drugs by going out and doing them with him. It's maddening. It's ridiculous seeing him happy while out and really expecting that he's made great choices and then the next day watch him skip a therapy appointment and the day after that say less than 10 words to me. After what he's told me about his work, I don't even know if he has a job anymore, but will find out by conversation when the time is right for him.
My mother seems pulled back lately. I think it's just her new class, but I know that Byron not speaking with her lately plays into that. I need to write him a letter as calling him is too awkward. We don't talk either, so what would words on a phone mean while he's surrounded by neaderthals.
Ahh...the knell of work....
j.r.me
We need a vacuum. I thought my holiday pay for Memorial Day was going to be in the last paycheck, but it wasn't, so I'm waiting for that because the bug situation in this apartment is really bugging me. (That was sad.)
Tonight we have been invited to Lost Angeles to spend time with Brian and others. Low key, nice, friendly, and probably exactly the environment that I need before going out dancing tomorrow night.
Just this last Sunday I went out to "The Boom" with Nathan & Ryan. I honestly had a lot of fun there. Chuck & Jeff, Randy C., JD, and some others. The free admission and my jumping bean legs were a good lure. While leaving I heard my name called by Joseph, Dustin's ex-boyfriend. He's a dancer there at The Boom now. He had the same reaction that boys seem to have when I mention that I'm going home to my boyfriend: "He let's YOU come out dancing without him?" I always sense an implied insinuation when people say that, but then again I usually sense an attraction on their behalf too. Another ounce of gay culture that I've grown accustom to.
I was told by Nathan last week that we may need a new roommate by the end of July, but in the same conversation I was told that nothing is certain yet and he really wasn't sure. I've been riding this out, waiting, understanding that there are issues and complications that are so far beyond my helping him that just keeping afloat here is best for now. Though my fruit salad contains these thoughts of seaching for a roommate, the real juice here is finding this friend who can't find himself. In some ways I feel like I'm condoning/contributing to his inability to stay away from drugs by going out and doing them with him. It's maddening. It's ridiculous seeing him happy while out and really expecting that he's made great choices and then the next day watch him skip a therapy appointment and the day after that say less than 10 words to me. After what he's told me about his work, I don't even know if he has a job anymore, but will find out by conversation when the time is right for him.
My mother seems pulled back lately. I think it's just her new class, but I know that Byron not speaking with her lately plays into that. I need to write him a letter as calling him is too awkward. We don't talk either, so what would words on a phone mean while he's surrounded by neaderthals.
Ahh...the knell of work....
j.r.me
Sunday, July 01, 2001
one
1 of 1 of 1 of 1 of 1 of 1 of 1 of 1 of 1 of 1..... of many.
It was a nice night spending time with Brian & Randy last night. Looking back on changes--for the better. Thoughts of phone conversations until all hours of the morning. My, how I just could not hold a phone to my ear that long anymore.
Bobby & Joey may have experienced their first circuit event last night together. I'm wanting to know how that went.
There is a fruit basket of thoughts on my mind, but I think I'll wait to write about them until it's a fruit salad and suitable for digestion.
j.r.me
It was a nice night spending time with Brian & Randy last night. Looking back on changes--for the better. Thoughts of phone conversations until all hours of the morning. My, how I just could not hold a phone to my ear that long anymore.
Bobby & Joey may have experienced their first circuit event last night together. I'm wanting to know how that went.
There is a fruit basket of thoughts on my mind, but I think I'll wait to write about them until it's a fruit salad and suitable for digestion.
j.r.me
Friday, June 29, 2001
my time
Back from a tennis match with Randy. It feels good to exercise, especially at something that I like playing. He's getting much better; making me run where before I could stand and watch the ball be hit right to me.
Nathan seems to be relapsing and/or dwelling. I don't know what to say anymore. I just hope that he finds his own way while I'm here to just "be." I know he doesn't expect anything from me, but it's still hard to just sit back and watch while he learns lessons that I've already learned. It always is.
I took the day off of work. I realize that I'm not a person that can work everyday straight through for very long. It's not in my character. I'll start planning my personal days for next year.
j.r.me
Nathan seems to be relapsing and/or dwelling. I don't know what to say anymore. I just hope that he finds his own way while I'm here to just "be." I know he doesn't expect anything from me, but it's still hard to just sit back and watch while he learns lessons that I've already learned. It always is.
I took the day off of work. I realize that I'm not a person that can work everyday straight through for very long. It's not in my character. I'll start planning my personal days for next year.
j.r.me
bonafide
I'm watching Albert Brooks' "Defending Your Life" instead of typing. I've always loved this movie. I've usually liked his humor. "The Muse" and "Mother" are two others I'm fond of.
Remember that reference I made some entries back about fathers expectations of activities to do with their sons? I had been listning to a co-worker at work. I overheard yesterday that his wife mis-carried. I sensed as much when I walked by him.
"A.I." opens today. Frederic called me at the butt-crack of dawn because he forgot it was my day off. I think I'm going to get tickets for later tonight.
The next month will be interesting. The Randy's must find jobs. Nathan must quash his demons. I must continue to believe in myself.
Defending what is so precious warrants sacrificing sometimes.
j.r.me
Remember that reference I made some entries back about fathers expectations of activities to do with their sons? I had been listning to a co-worker at work. I overheard yesterday that his wife mis-carried. I sensed as much when I walked by him.
"A.I." opens today. Frederic called me at the butt-crack of dawn because he forgot it was my day off. I think I'm going to get tickets for later tonight.
The next month will be interesting. The Randy's must find jobs. Nathan must quash his demons. I must continue to believe in myself.
Defending what is so precious warrants sacrificing sometimes.
j.r.me
Thursday, June 21, 2001
sleepy
I'm rolling.....out of bed and down the street to work. At least I have tomorrow off. I need it. I feel that exhausted feeling that I get when my mind has been doing the exercise that my body should be doing.
bills... eek.
j.r.me
bills... eek.
j.r.me
Tuesday, June 19, 2001
Sweaty Pits
I've been working on this letter to a friend for the past several weeks.....it evolved into something more:
05/30/2001 Wednesday
B
Picture: I’m shifting from neutral to 1st gear and turning left simultaneously. I’m now in 2nd, accelerating, not quite to 3rd yet when my left foot depresses the clutch, left hand steers to turn right (yes, putting the blinker on too), right hand pushes the gear shift up into neutral and right foot brakes to make a right turn. Now I’m about to start this process all over again and make the right turn when Randy starts to pass me his cell phone without warning or telling me what’s going on. He tries to hold to phone to my ear for me, but my head is moving around and I can’t hear a word you’re saying until I complete my turn and grab the phone. This is how accidents happen. Whoa…..do I live dangerously these days. =)
Married life
I had this juvenile impulsive urge to type, “What’s Up?” But then I thought about it and in these domesticated times—ha ha—I know that there’s not much going on with me. You? It’s a daily routine of sleeping (and my god I get to bed by midnight most nights), waking up, showering, breakfast (a la cereal), work work work, lunch (at home because of money), work work work until 6pm when I drive 1.5 miles back to home to go running with Randy for about 1-2 miles, come home, shower, eat like a fucking pig and plop down in front of the TV and/or computer. Gee, who knew this was what life was all about? I’ll go out dancing maybe 1 or two times a month; a drastic cutback from the 1-2 times per week. It’s not so much that I’m...
06/02/2001 Saturday
...any less enthusiastic about wanting to go and dance, but I’m tired of being surrounded by the same drugged out, muscle-perfected bodies each time. And the crowds…A sardine in a fishbowl is what it feels like. I got weighed in the doctor’s office yesterday morning and they confirmed my suspicions due to lack of regular exercise now. No one ever believes me when I say I’ve gained weight. They roll their eyes and remark about how think I am. Hehe….not anymore. I finally got a few people to have their eyes pop out of their heads. (Okay, so that was a little bit of added hyperbole for effect.) So tipping the scales is how the above routine of running got introduced into the daily schedule a couple weeks ago. So far, slight change and my body hurts all the time. Age. Yuck.
There are far too many stupid people in this world. I don’t know why I’m complaining. If they weren’t in the world, I wouldn’t have a job. I just spent five minutes repeatedly trying to explain to someone that they couldn’t receive any new messages in their voice mail because the mailbox was full. The guy didn’t get it. “It’s full?” he would say. “But I didn’t leave any messages.”
“Yes sir, but other people could have left the messages.”
“But how could it be full?”
“Like I said sir, others might have left you messages. If you just check your voice ma—“
“But how is that possible?” [side note: I hate when people cut me off when I’m explaining something. Click….ooops]
It’s very disrespectful. I give most everyone the benefit of the doubt at first, but when their courtesy level drops below acceptable, their customer service suffers for it.
Being the stuffed turkey that I am today, I can understand now how easy it is to get this way. I used to wonder, but it’s quite simple. No activity. Stillness. Sitting, staring into this computer box then going home, sitting, and staring into another picture box. Over time….bingo…pounds pounds pounds.
06/11/01 Monday
Connecting
There was this Sociologist dude—I think his name was Emile Durkheim, but I’m probably wrong—and he did one of the first extensive studies on why people commit suicide. One of his conclusions was that people are more likely to attempt suicide if they felt disconnected from their immediate society. Okay, so no big surprise perhaps, but a stunning discovery for his time nonetheless. Now I’m not suicidal, but I do feel extremely disconnected lately.
I’ve felt this way before. It has something to do with my individuality and being involved in a relationship. As I pour more of myself into the relationship, I feel not so connected to causes and ideas around me. It’s a trade off.
06/18/01 Monday
Another “pride” weekend finished. I can say, with some amount of pride, that I haven’t been to a pride festival in several years now. I haven’t had the stomach for it. How crappy is that? I spent yesterday on the beach in Laguna baking instead of walking around the commercialized booths and drugged out dance tent. There was this mystical lure to go out dancing Friday, Saturday and Sunday, but sci-fi at home on the telly, a quiet evening of drinking & playing pool in Riverside, and a mis-match of tennis rounded out my weekend instead. I often thought of completing this letter while I was involved in activities this weekend, but I also kind of like the idea that I’m continuing this on like one of the “old time” letters I used to write from Sacramento. Eventually though, I do have to send this string of thoughts.
I think I’m starting to get age spots on my hands. I used to notice them a lot on my great-grandmother’s hands. Granted, she had like 80 years on me, but I figure she was somewhat younger when the spots began. So I wonder if I put sun block on just the spots if the surrounding skin will then darken to the same color? An experiment for another day at the beach. Right now my skin must rest. Two days in the sun and I’m red now. When I brown up I can be put back into the oven. Skin cancer what?
Okay…so I just re-read everything up to this point and I’m being anal. I logged onto YAHOO so that I could make sure that the Emile Durkheim part was correct and that I spelled his name right. (I did) I also found some summaries on the net about him and it kinda relates to what I feel on some level:
“Emile Durkheim, a French sociologist, introduced the concept of anomie in his book The Division of Labour in Society, published in 1893. He used anomie to describe a condition of deregulation that was occurring in society. This meant that rules on how people ought to behave with each other were breaking down and thus people did not know what to expect from one another. Anomie, simply defined, is a state where norms (expectations on behaviours) are confused, unclear or not present. It is normlessness, Durkheim felt, that led to deviant behaviour. In 1897, Durkheim used the term again in his study on Suicide, referring to a morally deregulated condition. Durkheim was preoccupied with the effects of social change….”
“…Anomie thus refers to a breakdown of social norms and it a condition where norms no longer control the activities of members in society. Individuals cannot find their place in society without clear rules to help guide them. Changing conditions as well as adjustment of life leads to dissatisfaction, conflict, and deviance. He observed that social periods of disruption (economic depression, for instance) brought about greater anomie and higher rates of crime, suicide, and deviance.”
--SOURCE, http://www.hewett.norfolk.sch.uk/curric/soc/durkheim/durk.htm
I guess what I feel most disconnected from is understanding why people are so cruel to each other and why we’ve just accepted that as a society. Not just in murders, crimes and other very visible type attacks, but in words, gestures and the silent affects [short “a” a---FECTS] that get communicated with a look. Inside I’ve always felt this way, ever since I was a child and the chides of other children would hit me. As I grew older and formed that “tough skin,” it didn’t change the fact that inside I still didn’t understand why people were so ugly. Being surrounded by ugliness it grows on your tough skin and makes it easier to be cynical and frustrated by inane, pointless, people. (haha…talk about ugliness) But as much as I joke and mock those that cross my path, there is never intent to cause pain or hurt someone and when I have it then returns some pain to me.
Perfect Circles
So no one is perfect. Shit, there goes another illusion. Next someone is going to come up and tell me that the tooth ferry isn’t real. So what are the alternatives? Turn off to popular mainstream culture and be part of some sub or counter-culture? Yeah, okay, fun for a while and by genetic design a part of what you and I will belong to as long as we live, but that isn’t really satisfying to me. Being locked into any one group or finding complete solace with one group has never suited me well. Being part of the mainstream is a part of me and always will be, but that can never be the complete picture either. I can no more live out the American dream and be happy than I could being a circuit queen traveling the country for the next hot party.
What I thought that I found were an eclectic group of friends to balance out a little moderation within several different scenes while still living enough in the mainstream to be happy. Enter in the human factor again, that no one is perfect and that applies to friends, friendship, relationships of any sort. Expectations… Unless we carry around an outward listing of all our personal expectations, we’re bound to have them trampled over. I guess for most of my life I’ve had very few really major expectations of people. I’ve tried not to get too trivial about them because I think that just complicates my relationships. Don’t lie, cheat, steal, blah blah blah…..pretty basic things for me. Nonetheless, I’ve learned that there are more expectations that are important to others, and regardless of what I may personally think of them, I should try and respect those expectations. I’ve not always been successful. When I haven’t been, I guess I make a judgment as to how serious I feel my action(s) has/have been. There’s the problem. No matter what I “size up” the situation to be, it’s the subjectivity of what I see and what the other person sees that makes and breaks the difference between something of, “Oops, sorry, my mistake.” And “You Mother Fucker!!!”
Huh? Yeah, the above is a snip-it of what is going on inside of my head at any given moment. That’s why I’m silent when there could be words spoken. I can’t always make sense of the thoughts and I don’t know why they appear at times like while driving to the gas station or sitting in front of the TV. Dreams are even more unrelenting with symbols, themes, ideas that jumble into pictures and then I’m supposed to deduce what the message is. (Assuming, of course, that there is a message to be read in the first place.)
High Society
This business of drugs is pretty crazy. I think my previous position atop the all-knowing pedestal of blissful ignorance might have been pretty fucking accurate. My blind citing of how doing drugs were somehow evil, maybe not so blind. WHACK! That was the 2x4 plank that I just swung at myself. The devil and the angel on each shoulder vying for some type of superior decision on this drug issue. Much like different Political Action Committees pumping members of Congress full of whatever they need to sway a vote on the issue itself.
I’ve now had the opportunity to watch the effects of drugs on myself and on those around me. I’ve been privy to parties of completely altered festivities where orgies abound (though have not partaken) and part of small, intimate gatherings of close friends where the heightened states have shared hurts, beliefs and soothing moments. I’ve experienced nature in alteration and the night club scene as well. Underground raves in warehouses that and mafia driven massive attendance events in sports arenas. I’ve witnessed the delicate business transactions of dealers and their “clients” as special favors are negotiated and later seeing that sometimes those commitments were more deeply entrenched than either party really wanted. I have not seen the hardcore territorial disputes or pissing contests supplying any particular markets, but have been a few rungs removed to know that it happens and that at any given moment the business of drugs could come knocking on my door. Man oh man oh man.
And the people? Nice, professional, middle management America up to top level executives. The flipside as well, young, clueless teens candy-flipping to oblivion blowing the allowance from mommy & daddy or the minimum wage from the local fast-food mart. No victims, as the Drug War propaganda would have us believe, only individuals making choices for their own lives, some more informed than others. As any other choices in one’s life, sometime there are those who are more prepared and can take a larger burden than others. Maybe drugs are a way of weeding out the weak in society. NO, I don’t really believe that, but there certainly is enough fodder out there to support that claim if made.
So these twelve stepping gurus have got something. They have a whole huge market for themselves. Sure, yes, they may want to help people and preach the evils of a druggies’ wayward ways, but ultimately it’s another business with a profit center and a need for people to support them. Not only that but they’ll introduce you to God and get you a sponsor and make you go to meetings so that you can find other zombies like you who are willing to be—or in need of being—led.
What have I settled on for myself? Drugs are fun, but they’re also distracting. I don’t mind the occasional something-special-to-do event where they may be involved, but that could probably be limited to every few months at the rate I’ve been going. That being my decision, I think I’m the most likely candidate for a profile on what the government should try and “go after” if they were serious about exposing drugs today. But they can’t because it would backfire on them. I’m an upstanding member of society who pays my taxes (mostly) and has a full 40-hr week job. I own a car, pay my bills (mostly) and live a fairly normal life. By in large, I believe this is the picture of a typical, light drug user. The more hardcore cases I truly believe are exceptions, not the rule. (But the rule is what is popular, vote catching, and a cause to rally behind because it’s the “right” thing to do.) Hooray!
Normal, and you’d never know
There are some crazy fucks out there. Underneath a thin veil of camouflage, people do some pretty disgusting and/or horrifying things. Okay…I don’t know that. I just made that up because it sounded good, like something that an uncensored Jerry Springer show might open up with.
The last time I was up at The Abbey, I walked through this once nice place to kick back and relax and got the strangest vibes from the people around there. Do you think there really are these secret societies out there? Do you belong to any? Things on the scale of “Eyes Wide Shut.” I don’t. Maybe I do but I’ve been so trained not to reveal that I do that I’ve hidden the fact even from myself and only when something triggers my memory, or certain times of the year, like the 5th Wednesday after the Summer solstice or some shit like that. Oops…I guess I’m out of the group now. I don’t really have too much more on this thought right now.
What does it all mean?
Do you know what stays in my mind from one of our conversations about Randy? The honesty with which you spoke in stating that if at any time in the future if the opportunity presented itself where you could get back together with him, you would try and do so, regardless of whether I was still dating him or not. I’ve always appreciated the honesty of knowing that, but also felt the action would be inappropriate.
Recently I’ve dealt with indiscretion in my relationship. Indiscretion between Randy & Mark. I guess I haven’t thought much about your words until recent events have brought it to mind again. Now the feelings I have toward Randy and the feelings I have toward Mark are separate issues relating to the same event. Regardless of the intents involved from either of them, the fact that they did anything makes the act wrong. The common courtesy if they actually had any real feelings to pursue between one another would have been for Randy to end the relationship with me and then pursue something with Mark. Regardless of this crappy piece of business that has been dealt with (is being dealt with) my thoughts to you are that any action of initiation for Randy should first have my relationship halted.
In lieu of that, it’s just wrong.
I remember too you saying that Randy has a hard time saying, “no.” Part of me wonders if you would use that you our advantage should an opportunity arise. You see, this is that part of me that tries not to be like the rest of the world. The part of me believes that people are basically good and that doesn’t understand when people go out of their way to hurt others. It’s the part of me that gives everyone on the cell phone the benefit of the doubt until they start treating me with disrespect. It’s the part of me that has basic, simple expectations of the world that hurting others isn’t acceptable when done on purpose. What does it all mean?
Some day maybe I’ll know. It’s all so much more than the plain & simple life that I’d like to lead. But here again, I don’t always like to lead it that way. Sometimes I step outside of the comfort box so that new experiences can be had. As long as I’m not hurting anyone, why not?
Just numbers
I’ve heard that age is just a number. I’ve heard that. I think it’s a lot more than that. It’s a whole bunch of minutes tied into the core of a person. I can hardly believe how many minutes I’ve accumulated. I’m glad I’ve accumulated some of those with you. There are memories that can’t soon be forgotten and I hope that if some day I’m completely senile and saying random things that the words that come out of my mouth are some of those memories from the earlier part of my life when I took the time to write letters like these ones. That would be some funny ass babbling to listen to.
j.r.me
05/30/2001 Wednesday
B
Picture: I’m shifting from neutral to 1st gear and turning left simultaneously. I’m now in 2nd, accelerating, not quite to 3rd yet when my left foot depresses the clutch, left hand steers to turn right (yes, putting the blinker on too), right hand pushes the gear shift up into neutral and right foot brakes to make a right turn. Now I’m about to start this process all over again and make the right turn when Randy starts to pass me his cell phone without warning or telling me what’s going on. He tries to hold to phone to my ear for me, but my head is moving around and I can’t hear a word you’re saying until I complete my turn and grab the phone. This is how accidents happen. Whoa…..do I live dangerously these days. =)
Married life
I had this juvenile impulsive urge to type, “What’s Up?” But then I thought about it and in these domesticated times—ha ha—I know that there’s not much going on with me. You? It’s a daily routine of sleeping (and my god I get to bed by midnight most nights), waking up, showering, breakfast (a la cereal), work work work, lunch (at home because of money), work work work until 6pm when I drive 1.5 miles back to home to go running with Randy for about 1-2 miles, come home, shower, eat like a fucking pig and plop down in front of the TV and/or computer. Gee, who knew this was what life was all about? I’ll go out dancing maybe 1 or two times a month; a drastic cutback from the 1-2 times per week. It’s not so much that I’m...
06/02/2001 Saturday
...any less enthusiastic about wanting to go and dance, but I’m tired of being surrounded by the same drugged out, muscle-perfected bodies each time. And the crowds…A sardine in a fishbowl is what it feels like. I got weighed in the doctor’s office yesterday morning and they confirmed my suspicions due to lack of regular exercise now. No one ever believes me when I say I’ve gained weight. They roll their eyes and remark about how think I am. Hehe….not anymore. I finally got a few people to have their eyes pop out of their heads. (Okay, so that was a little bit of added hyperbole for effect.) So tipping the scales is how the above routine of running got introduced into the daily schedule a couple weeks ago. So far, slight change and my body hurts all the time. Age. Yuck.
There are far too many stupid people in this world. I don’t know why I’m complaining. If they weren’t in the world, I wouldn’t have a job. I just spent five minutes repeatedly trying to explain to someone that they couldn’t receive any new messages in their voice mail because the mailbox was full. The guy didn’t get it. “It’s full?” he would say. “But I didn’t leave any messages.”
“Yes sir, but other people could have left the messages.”
“But how could it be full?”
“Like I said sir, others might have left you messages. If you just check your voice ma—“
“But how is that possible?” [side note: I hate when people cut me off when I’m explaining something. Click….ooops]
It’s very disrespectful. I give most everyone the benefit of the doubt at first, but when their courtesy level drops below acceptable, their customer service suffers for it.
Being the stuffed turkey that I am today, I can understand now how easy it is to get this way. I used to wonder, but it’s quite simple. No activity. Stillness. Sitting, staring into this computer box then going home, sitting, and staring into another picture box. Over time….bingo…pounds pounds pounds.
06/11/01 Monday
Connecting
There was this Sociologist dude—I think his name was Emile Durkheim, but I’m probably wrong—and he did one of the first extensive studies on why people commit suicide. One of his conclusions was that people are more likely to attempt suicide if they felt disconnected from their immediate society. Okay, so no big surprise perhaps, but a stunning discovery for his time nonetheless. Now I’m not suicidal, but I do feel extremely disconnected lately.
I’ve felt this way before. It has something to do with my individuality and being involved in a relationship. As I pour more of myself into the relationship, I feel not so connected to causes and ideas around me. It’s a trade off.
06/18/01 Monday
Another “pride” weekend finished. I can say, with some amount of pride, that I haven’t been to a pride festival in several years now. I haven’t had the stomach for it. How crappy is that? I spent yesterday on the beach in Laguna baking instead of walking around the commercialized booths and drugged out dance tent. There was this mystical lure to go out dancing Friday, Saturday and Sunday, but sci-fi at home on the telly, a quiet evening of drinking & playing pool in Riverside, and a mis-match of tennis rounded out my weekend instead. I often thought of completing this letter while I was involved in activities this weekend, but I also kind of like the idea that I’m continuing this on like one of the “old time” letters I used to write from Sacramento. Eventually though, I do have to send this string of thoughts.
I think I’m starting to get age spots on my hands. I used to notice them a lot on my great-grandmother’s hands. Granted, she had like 80 years on me, but I figure she was somewhat younger when the spots began. So I wonder if I put sun block on just the spots if the surrounding skin will then darken to the same color? An experiment for another day at the beach. Right now my skin must rest. Two days in the sun and I’m red now. When I brown up I can be put back into the oven. Skin cancer what?
Okay…so I just re-read everything up to this point and I’m being anal. I logged onto YAHOO so that I could make sure that the Emile Durkheim part was correct and that I spelled his name right. (I did) I also found some summaries on the net about him and it kinda relates to what I feel on some level:
“Emile Durkheim, a French sociologist, introduced the concept of anomie in his book The Division of Labour in Society, published in 1893. He used anomie to describe a condition of deregulation that was occurring in society. This meant that rules on how people ought to behave with each other were breaking down and thus people did not know what to expect from one another. Anomie, simply defined, is a state where norms (expectations on behaviours) are confused, unclear or not present. It is normlessness, Durkheim felt, that led to deviant behaviour. In 1897, Durkheim used the term again in his study on Suicide, referring to a morally deregulated condition. Durkheim was preoccupied with the effects of social change….”
“…Anomie thus refers to a breakdown of social norms and it a condition where norms no longer control the activities of members in society. Individuals cannot find their place in society without clear rules to help guide them. Changing conditions as well as adjustment of life leads to dissatisfaction, conflict, and deviance. He observed that social periods of disruption (economic depression, for instance) brought about greater anomie and higher rates of crime, suicide, and deviance.”
--SOURCE, http://www.hewett.norfolk.sch.uk/curric/soc/durkheim/durk.htm
I guess what I feel most disconnected from is understanding why people are so cruel to each other and why we’ve just accepted that as a society. Not just in murders, crimes and other very visible type attacks, but in words, gestures and the silent affects [short “a” a---FECTS] that get communicated with a look. Inside I’ve always felt this way, ever since I was a child and the chides of other children would hit me. As I grew older and formed that “tough skin,” it didn’t change the fact that inside I still didn’t understand why people were so ugly. Being surrounded by ugliness it grows on your tough skin and makes it easier to be cynical and frustrated by inane, pointless, people. (haha…talk about ugliness) But as much as I joke and mock those that cross my path, there is never intent to cause pain or hurt someone and when I have it then returns some pain to me.
Perfect Circles
So no one is perfect. Shit, there goes another illusion. Next someone is going to come up and tell me that the tooth ferry isn’t real. So what are the alternatives? Turn off to popular mainstream culture and be part of some sub or counter-culture? Yeah, okay, fun for a while and by genetic design a part of what you and I will belong to as long as we live, but that isn’t really satisfying to me. Being locked into any one group or finding complete solace with one group has never suited me well. Being part of the mainstream is a part of me and always will be, but that can never be the complete picture either. I can no more live out the American dream and be happy than I could being a circuit queen traveling the country for the next hot party.
What I thought that I found were an eclectic group of friends to balance out a little moderation within several different scenes while still living enough in the mainstream to be happy. Enter in the human factor again, that no one is perfect and that applies to friends, friendship, relationships of any sort. Expectations… Unless we carry around an outward listing of all our personal expectations, we’re bound to have them trampled over. I guess for most of my life I’ve had very few really major expectations of people. I’ve tried not to get too trivial about them because I think that just complicates my relationships. Don’t lie, cheat, steal, blah blah blah…..pretty basic things for me. Nonetheless, I’ve learned that there are more expectations that are important to others, and regardless of what I may personally think of them, I should try and respect those expectations. I’ve not always been successful. When I haven’t been, I guess I make a judgment as to how serious I feel my action(s) has/have been. There’s the problem. No matter what I “size up” the situation to be, it’s the subjectivity of what I see and what the other person sees that makes and breaks the difference between something of, “Oops, sorry, my mistake.” And “You Mother Fucker!!!”
Huh? Yeah, the above is a snip-it of what is going on inside of my head at any given moment. That’s why I’m silent when there could be words spoken. I can’t always make sense of the thoughts and I don’t know why they appear at times like while driving to the gas station or sitting in front of the TV. Dreams are even more unrelenting with symbols, themes, ideas that jumble into pictures and then I’m supposed to deduce what the message is. (Assuming, of course, that there is a message to be read in the first place.)
High Society
This business of drugs is pretty crazy. I think my previous position atop the all-knowing pedestal of blissful ignorance might have been pretty fucking accurate. My blind citing of how doing drugs were somehow evil, maybe not so blind. WHACK! That was the 2x4 plank that I just swung at myself. The devil and the angel on each shoulder vying for some type of superior decision on this drug issue. Much like different Political Action Committees pumping members of Congress full of whatever they need to sway a vote on the issue itself.
I’ve now had the opportunity to watch the effects of drugs on myself and on those around me. I’ve been privy to parties of completely altered festivities where orgies abound (though have not partaken) and part of small, intimate gatherings of close friends where the heightened states have shared hurts, beliefs and soothing moments. I’ve experienced nature in alteration and the night club scene as well. Underground raves in warehouses that and mafia driven massive attendance events in sports arenas. I’ve witnessed the delicate business transactions of dealers and their “clients” as special favors are negotiated and later seeing that sometimes those commitments were more deeply entrenched than either party really wanted. I have not seen the hardcore territorial disputes or pissing contests supplying any particular markets, but have been a few rungs removed to know that it happens and that at any given moment the business of drugs could come knocking on my door. Man oh man oh man.
And the people? Nice, professional, middle management America up to top level executives. The flipside as well, young, clueless teens candy-flipping to oblivion blowing the allowance from mommy & daddy or the minimum wage from the local fast-food mart. No victims, as the Drug War propaganda would have us believe, only individuals making choices for their own lives, some more informed than others. As any other choices in one’s life, sometime there are those who are more prepared and can take a larger burden than others. Maybe drugs are a way of weeding out the weak in society. NO, I don’t really believe that, but there certainly is enough fodder out there to support that claim if made.
So these twelve stepping gurus have got something. They have a whole huge market for themselves. Sure, yes, they may want to help people and preach the evils of a druggies’ wayward ways, but ultimately it’s another business with a profit center and a need for people to support them. Not only that but they’ll introduce you to God and get you a sponsor and make you go to meetings so that you can find other zombies like you who are willing to be—or in need of being—led.
What have I settled on for myself? Drugs are fun, but they’re also distracting. I don’t mind the occasional something-special-to-do event where they may be involved, but that could probably be limited to every few months at the rate I’ve been going. That being my decision, I think I’m the most likely candidate for a profile on what the government should try and “go after” if they were serious about exposing drugs today. But they can’t because it would backfire on them. I’m an upstanding member of society who pays my taxes (mostly) and has a full 40-hr week job. I own a car, pay my bills (mostly) and live a fairly normal life. By in large, I believe this is the picture of a typical, light drug user. The more hardcore cases I truly believe are exceptions, not the rule. (But the rule is what is popular, vote catching, and a cause to rally behind because it’s the “right” thing to do.) Hooray!
Normal, and you’d never know
There are some crazy fucks out there. Underneath a thin veil of camouflage, people do some pretty disgusting and/or horrifying things. Okay…I don’t know that. I just made that up because it sounded good, like something that an uncensored Jerry Springer show might open up with.
The last time I was up at The Abbey, I walked through this once nice place to kick back and relax and got the strangest vibes from the people around there. Do you think there really are these secret societies out there? Do you belong to any? Things on the scale of “Eyes Wide Shut.” I don’t. Maybe I do but I’ve been so trained not to reveal that I do that I’ve hidden the fact even from myself and only when something triggers my memory, or certain times of the year, like the 5th Wednesday after the Summer solstice or some shit like that. Oops…I guess I’m out of the group now. I don’t really have too much more on this thought right now.
What does it all mean?
Do you know what stays in my mind from one of our conversations about Randy? The honesty with which you spoke in stating that if at any time in the future if the opportunity presented itself where you could get back together with him, you would try and do so, regardless of whether I was still dating him or not. I’ve always appreciated the honesty of knowing that, but also felt the action would be inappropriate.
Recently I’ve dealt with indiscretion in my relationship. Indiscretion between Randy & Mark. I guess I haven’t thought much about your words until recent events have brought it to mind again. Now the feelings I have toward Randy and the feelings I have toward Mark are separate issues relating to the same event. Regardless of the intents involved from either of them, the fact that they did anything makes the act wrong. The common courtesy if they actually had any real feelings to pursue between one another would have been for Randy to end the relationship with me and then pursue something with Mark. Regardless of this crappy piece of business that has been dealt with (is being dealt with) my thoughts to you are that any action of initiation for Randy should first have my relationship halted.
In lieu of that, it’s just wrong.
I remember too you saying that Randy has a hard time saying, “no.” Part of me wonders if you would use that you our advantage should an opportunity arise. You see, this is that part of me that tries not to be like the rest of the world. The part of me believes that people are basically good and that doesn’t understand when people go out of their way to hurt others. It’s the part of me that gives everyone on the cell phone the benefit of the doubt until they start treating me with disrespect. It’s the part of me that has basic, simple expectations of the world that hurting others isn’t acceptable when done on purpose. What does it all mean?
Some day maybe I’ll know. It’s all so much more than the plain & simple life that I’d like to lead. But here again, I don’t always like to lead it that way. Sometimes I step outside of the comfort box so that new experiences can be had. As long as I’m not hurting anyone, why not?
Just numbers
I’ve heard that age is just a number. I’ve heard that. I think it’s a lot more than that. It’s a whole bunch of minutes tied into the core of a person. I can hardly believe how many minutes I’ve accumulated. I’m glad I’ve accumulated some of those with you. There are memories that can’t soon be forgotten and I hope that if some day I’m completely senile and saying random things that the words that come out of my mouth are some of those memories from the earlier part of my life when I took the time to write letters like these ones. That would be some funny ass babbling to listen to.
j.r.me
Monday, June 11, 2001
Solitude Lost
Seven days in one week. I'm exhausted trying to be the good one, the righteous one, the one with noble intentions of innocence and civility. I feel that this tax of energy is tantamount to being angry; or is it just anger in silence?
Even tonight's night alone hasn't brought me any closer to comfort.
I need to stop biting my lips. Double entendre.
j.r.me
Even tonight's night alone hasn't brought me any closer to comfort.
I need to stop biting my lips. Double entendre.
j.r.me
Thursday, June 07, 2001
fuzzy
Jamba Juice stuck in between my teeth. I think the seeds from the rasberries that I requested not be put in the fruity concoction. Go figure.
Where am I from a few days ago? I can't help but love. The valve on that faucet was stripped clean long ago. No tork wrenches here. I still must clarify the air with Mark. It's one of those things that the phone just doesn't work for, yet I'm not quite up to having the face-to-face yet. Keep the days coming.
SWORDFISH opens tomorrow. Good, Something to see. I think I'll wait until Randy gets home and trek out to get the MOULIN ROUGE soundtrack.
A curiously nice new entry in my guestbook. I've read some of her more recent works and like. So many of us writers in this world. Some of us in grocery stores, some of us abused by grown-up adolecents with their cell phone toys.
I hear the winds of change and I wonder why it's still so hot all around.
j.r.me
Where am I from a few days ago? I can't help but love. The valve on that faucet was stripped clean long ago. No tork wrenches here. I still must clarify the air with Mark. It's one of those things that the phone just doesn't work for, yet I'm not quite up to having the face-to-face yet. Keep the days coming.
SWORDFISH opens tomorrow. Good, Something to see. I think I'll wait until Randy gets home and trek out to get the MOULIN ROUGE soundtrack.
A curiously nice new entry in my guestbook. I've read some of her more recent works and like. So many of us writers in this world. Some of us in grocery stores, some of us abused by grown-up adolecents with their cell phone toys.
I hear the winds of change and I wonder why it's still so hot all around.
j.r.me
Monday, June 04, 2001
covet
"It's a little bit funny
This feeling inside..."
I read some of Nate's online journal just now; last 10 minutes or so. A lot of thoughts flowing there. Good. Good. I'm glad that we've begun to weather the future of our relationship in words again.
I have never really censored my thoughts here. To do so would really defeat the purpose, yes? I'm forced tonight (and surely in the next few days) to burrow into what I value and find out where it is that I lay to nest.
The last time I felt like I do right now was when I parted ways with Lanny. There was an incident that violated me and my trust. It tore apart the fabric of trust with a crowbar and left a scar to remember forever. Tonight is no different, though the scar will just be more easily hidden by a layer of "tough skin" that living a drama-free life induces. Where are all the cakes and candies of the land right now? I could most definitely consume them all before dawns approach is finished. My body temperature is slowly rising. Is it the fever or my anger and disgust?
FRIENDS/FAMILY
STABILITY
INDEPENDENCE
KNOWLEDGE
The values that I've held for years now that I must face tonight. All are part of the betrayal when a boyfriend and a close friend share intamacy when it is the drunken act during the night of my previous journal entry. How bitter sweet to learn that the inexplicable anger of the moment was justified afterall.
So now I breathe. Pause. Take stock of what I hold dear and think of flying. I felt something while driving back to work today after lunch. I stared at the trees, the sky, the mountains. I thought of transcendence and of evolving beyond pettiness. Here I am now being tested in light of my realization, I'm sure.
You see...I do not write here because I think that what I have to say is necessarily the greatest prose to be found on the internet. I write here to help myself in finding the truth that I feel inside and that I sense all around me. If I believe that truth must be something more than the sum or all it's parts, then I have to teach by how I live and what I do more than simply what I write.
I'm no god, but I play one on TV. So shall we all sometime, in some decision we make. Tonight... my value is INNOCENCE.
j.r.me
This feeling inside..."
I read some of Nate's online journal just now; last 10 minutes or so. A lot of thoughts flowing there. Good. Good. I'm glad that we've begun to weather the future of our relationship in words again.
I have never really censored my thoughts here. To do so would really defeat the purpose, yes? I'm forced tonight (and surely in the next few days) to burrow into what I value and find out where it is that I lay to nest.
The last time I felt like I do right now was when I parted ways with Lanny. There was an incident that violated me and my trust. It tore apart the fabric of trust with a crowbar and left a scar to remember forever. Tonight is no different, though the scar will just be more easily hidden by a layer of "tough skin" that living a drama-free life induces. Where are all the cakes and candies of the land right now? I could most definitely consume them all before dawns approach is finished. My body temperature is slowly rising. Is it the fever or my anger and disgust?
FRIENDS/FAMILY
STABILITY
INDEPENDENCE
KNOWLEDGE
The values that I've held for years now that I must face tonight. All are part of the betrayal when a boyfriend and a close friend share intamacy when it is the drunken act during the night of my previous journal entry. How bitter sweet to learn that the inexplicable anger of the moment was justified afterall.
So now I breathe. Pause. Take stock of what I hold dear and think of flying. I felt something while driving back to work today after lunch. I stared at the trees, the sky, the mountains. I thought of transcendence and of evolving beyond pettiness. Here I am now being tested in light of my realization, I'm sure.
You see...I do not write here because I think that what I have to say is necessarily the greatest prose to be found on the internet. I write here to help myself in finding the truth that I feel inside and that I sense all around me. If I believe that truth must be something more than the sum or all it's parts, then I have to teach by how I live and what I do more than simply what I write.
I'm no god, but I play one on TV. So shall we all sometime, in some decision we make. Tonight... my value is INNOCENCE.
j.r.me
