Under the Blue Diamond Moon

1:25am I laughed so much tonight and it really felt warm; full of kinship. The timing of things was a bit odd, but the overall night turned out to be just as I had hoped.

It was fun to spend some time with Matt away from Matt...and away from Tuesday Nights. I have to remember the conversation about having to go through a log of coal in order to find that perfect diamond. =)

During the car ride, Art, Matt & I talked about Starbuck's Coffee and I remarked that they are the devil company. Jokingly. It is ridiculous that they're everywhere.

What's scary about allowing myself to feel the feelings that I have inside is that I have to face the possibility that the feelings are not returned. There's also the danger that the feelings I have are not healthy ones. For instance, feelings toward Lanny and Chuck as opposed to those toward Randy. With Lanny & Chuck I have had time to process friendships with them, but does that mean that the underlying reasons that we did not work out are no longer there? With Randy, it's worse...because I feel such intensity but absolutely know that I cannot have what we had--nor intellectually do I want to. I really want to be comforted right now. I want that comfort from someone else and I'm trying to get it from my friends. A soak in the jacuzzi at home would be nice right about now. I think I still have to wait until my tattoo is completely healed before doing that though.

My fingernails look very nice today. Just the right length...haha...

Gay marriage in Massachusetts. I think about it and then think about this very issue being at the core of why I stopped communicating with the girls from high school last year at this same time. I've missed them at times, but that part of me that knows what is right from wrong clearly stepped up to the plate and moved on after being disrespected. I've often been able to do that in friendships. So now this marriage business is moving forward and the next step will be to challenge DOMA (Defense Of Marriage Act) on the federal level.

Finances have me in a rut again. I don't think this is something that I care to ever learn about. I certain don't manage money well. Grrrr

In me taking time for me I haven't called Douglas all week. :-( Instincts have kicked in but they are those instincts that do not have any facts to support them. Someone might tell me that it's "fear" that I feel...but it's not.

I would like to play the piano sometime before my birthday.