Descend Burr

Mom's bday brunch yesterday was nice. I was tired from only two hours of sleep, but I rested up afterwards on Sarah's air-inflated "chair."

Today: Super Smash Bros. Melee !!

** YES **

Reclining in this comfortable work chair--they had to make them comfortable seeing as we sit on our asses all day here--I began laughing at my 1st acid experience. The part where I was in Pavillions and fascinated by the lawn chairs. So much so, that I tried to sit on one while it was on the shelf display. Nathan stopped me before going that far, but I still managed to take the chair down and sit in in in the middle of the aisle. I felt like Lily Tomlin in the big chair.

Bobby & I went to a small rave in Moreno Valley on Saturday Night/Sunday Morning. It was a night to try and get away from my surroundings in Irvine. I had no intention of rolling with my bday party coming up this Saturday, but as the music played on and I was starting to have fun I thought about the party itself. I thought about how it might not make sense to be rolling around all my friends and that I would enjoy them more sober and playing video games than fluttering from place to place, dancing. So we did roll and in a way I'm glad it was just the two of us. It was special that way, like a pre-birthday party with my 'lil bro.

The boys were fun to look at, but I had very little to exchange in the way of words. It was amusing how the boys had no sense of age determination. I'm sure the thought was that if I was at a rave I had to be at least somewhat around their age. Their guesses of my age ranged from 20-22. The navy boy remarked that I act like I'm 15. Hah...okay bi-boy, trying to figure out if the other boys were tops or bottoms, stick to bouncing on the floor to keep that gyrating brain in place. I felt free and single, but still tied and taken. Bobby & I had our fill of eye-candy which just gave me more reason to keep dancing. The straight boys were the best because, comfrotable in their own sexuality, it was cool to just hang out and not feel looked down upon or intimidated.

At one point I sensed my grandmother, or I focused on a thought of safety in thinking about her. It was at that moment that I realized that I am going to be okay whatever the outcome with Randy & I. There was also the Ghandi saying, "You must be the change you wish in the world."

And so....I'm changing. Still dealing with anger, hurt & love. Like I told Randy last night, loving isn't the hard part; liking is.