generations

Fever. Not just in the morning or at night. Oh baby won't you treat me right. I just popped my over-the-counter concoction of two asprin and an Advil to help with the Allegra I took earlier in the day. My head still feels like a crockpot without a pressure valve. I feel hot from the inside out, but my skin is relatively cool.

Last night dancing I spent a lot of time on the sideline watching/being watched and thinking about where I am. Joey Goodgome was at RAGE and that's a name that takes me back to first coming out and dancing out OZZ. There was this time at OZZ when he was having his 21st b-day and I must've been 18 or 19. He was completely drunk and I had thought he was so cute on the dancefloor for so long and started talking with him. Back then, my naive & dream-filled mind thought it was this momentous event when he kissed me. Last night, flashing that memory next to the person he's become--not much different--made me realize how different I am.

I'm 8 months into my relationship and this is the time when I have previously found or looked for reasons to be single again. In actualality what I've done in the past is use existing reasons as excuses to exit the relationships. I remember with Lanny there was the reasoning of me not knowing whether I wanted to remain in a relationship--a way of deferring blame to myself rather than some action or behavior of his. While that reason was valid, it was immature in its development. I realized while @ RAGE that I will always have people looking at me and I will always be recognizing attraction. It's the action taken or not that is important, not the impulse that is an autonomic reflex. I'm still growing. That naive kid still plays with the infinite possibilities outside of the innocent box that it grew in. I like that. I'd be afraid if my imagination someday shorted and my life became WYSIWYG.

Some other thoughts...... Yeah, typos are a piece of life so get used to them. I think some people might have a misconception of what this journal does for me. It is not a way that I can indirectly communicate with others in my life. These words are written with the basic idea that they are for MYSELF. This is my space. These are my engrams pieced out as well as I can translate myself to myself in the hope that I will learn something in the long run and have a history of how I shaped who I am. YES, there are personal matters of my life as well as other people's lives, but the intention is not for the words here to usurp, negate, or supercede those that I would say face to face to someone. The fact that there are thoughts listed here in print doesn't necessarily mean that I want to discuss them in person. (It doesn't mean that I don't.) It simply means that I'm thinking them, I'm contemplating them, I'm cutting & pasting them, I'm reliving them. It's mine...

It was interesting to me to read that one year ago today I was basically sick with the same symptoms that I'm experiencing right now. The doctor seems to think that it may be allergies. Hmm...seems logical. He also feels that I have high blood pressure. =( It is in the family.... so the next two weeks is my attempt to restructure eating, exercise & natural remedies. Bannanas anyone?

I'm due for another glass of water. Ahh... life's sweet juice....haha