meta

10 months; a milestone in my lifetime.

"I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean..." ((I hope you dance, Leanne Womack)) I do. I feel tiny really. I think people do things to be part of larger success in hopes of being great or leaving some great legacy. They do it from a sense of goodness; some from selfishness, but I have to believe that most do not.

DanceSafe is picking up discussion on the e-mail list. From that a core group will form. It will be a good again.

I still have that sense of something I don't know. I remember being in some steakhouse in Destin and asking Lanny what we shared in common. There was a long silence as we stared across the table. "..and I never felt alone, until I met you" ((Deep inside of you, Third Eye Blind)) The truth is that it had nothing to do with whether we shared things in common or not, but I raised that issue because I didn't want to deal with---or thought he wouldn't understand---the differences in just being at different places in our lives with different expectations and goals. There was a sense that if love existed that it should be enough. He believed that. I didn't.

Now here I am feeling a sense of being off base. Even D.R. has started to pick up on it, either because it's real or I've been subliminally transmitting worry. I've already approached Randy about this once, but I don't know if he either isn't telling me everything or hasn't figured everything out himself. The feeling seems to get stronger when I'm around him, like at lunch today. Then I pause and remember being 20 and in a corporate job. We're very different people in similar working situations. It was not what I wanted for myself at 20. It certainly was not my ideal situation, but I was making good money and I had that prideful feeling of "look what I've done @ my age!!" "...If it makes you happy, then why the hell are you so sad?" ((If it makes you happy, Sheryl Crow))

I had lunch with mom yesterday. She's as busy as ever. I've really learned from her that happiness is what we make of it. Whether we know it or not.

So here it is, my monthaversary, and I'm walking around the lake by myself.