covet

"It's a little bit funny
This feeling inside..."

I read some of Nate's online journal just now; last 10 minutes or so. A lot of thoughts flowing there. Good. Good. I'm glad that we've begun to weather the future of our relationship in words again.

I have never really censored my thoughts here. To do so would really defeat the purpose, yes? I'm forced tonight (and surely in the next few days) to burrow into what I value and find out where it is that I lay to nest.

The last time I felt like I do right now was when I parted ways with Lanny. There was an incident that violated me and my trust. It tore apart the fabric of trust with a crowbar and left a scar to remember forever. Tonight is no different, though the scar will just be more easily hidden by a layer of "tough skin" that living a drama-free life induces. Where are all the cakes and candies of the land right now? I could most definitely consume them all before dawns approach is finished. My body temperature is slowly rising. Is it the fever or my anger and disgust?

FRIENDS/FAMILY
STABILITY
INDEPENDENCE
KNOWLEDGE

The values that I've held for years now that I must face tonight. All are part of the betrayal when a boyfriend and a close friend share intamacy when it is the drunken act during the night of my previous journal entry. How bitter sweet to learn that the inexplicable anger of the moment was justified afterall.

So now I breathe. Pause. Take stock of what I hold dear and think of flying. I felt something while driving back to work today after lunch. I stared at the trees, the sky, the mountains. I thought of transcendence and of evolving beyond pettiness. Here I am now being tested in light of my realization, I'm sure.

You see...I do not write here because I think that what I have to say is necessarily the greatest prose to be found on the internet. I write here to help myself in finding the truth that I feel inside and that I sense all around me. If I believe that truth must be something more than the sum or all it's parts, then I have to teach by how I live and what I do more than simply what I write.

I'm no god, but I play one on TV. So shall we all sometime, in some decision we make. Tonight... my value is INNOCENCE.

j.r.me