taken to the cleaners

How far gone does one have to be not to realize the damage they are doing. (Not only to themselves, but to the closest friends to them as well.) And worse yet, why did it become acceptable to lie to me? My understanding and calm visage is gone now. I can imagine the tones of red that are suffusing through the outter layers of my skin right now. God Damn You FUcKin Bastard!

One of the things I've prided myself on personally as I've aged is that I've eased in my hard attitude toward everything. I think I've tried to become more neutral, moderate in viewpoints. Nathan is provoking the earlier me back into existence. I never thought I'd be here, but I'll be glad when I don't have to share a living space with him anymore. Drugs, depression & dumb-ass decision have finally landed him on my boot. I understand now what people talk about when they say "tough love." It means loving someone so much that you can't be the person that makes their stupid decision "okay" anymore. I certainly can't. My rent, my relationship & my sense of friendship have all been violated these past few days.

D.R. will be moving in shortly. I feel bad for Randy because he's going from one of my friends to another, but I think even he can sense the tremendous difference in personalities and places in life between D.R. & Nathan.

I believe Mr. Cardwell is in New Orleans this weekend. Shit, what I wouldn't give to be there right now. I was there in 1997 when Princess Diana died. I remember the queens gathering in the hotel lobby to watch the news. At the time I was a stranger to certain drugs, alcohol was mine. Funny. Until this instant I had forgotten about the guy that followed me around for a night and then we actually made eyes and talked. We went back to my hotel room at which time he proceeded to explain that he felt weird and wasn't sure what was going on. He said he had taken ecstasy. That meant nothing to me at the time except that this was probably someone that I didn't want to be messing around with; those dirty drugs. I kindly, tactfully, escorted him to the hotel lobby without as much as a kiss. I rounded off that weekend by feeling women's breasts for the first time in my life.

So many memories filed away. A sudden chemical triggers the resurgence of those engrams. And so now becomes Nathan.