intensity

Angry noises start off my home tonight. The silent ones are the loudest. As the week has been wearing on, I'm growing more and more drained. I haven't been doing well at getting to bed at that midnight goal. Maybe if it were more of a competition... lol

My transitioning from departments at work is turning out to be more bleak than I had initially thought. The antiquated machinery that I'll be using is going to frustrate me. My "cube" neighbor is one of those disgustingly fake nice people who sounds like she's been doped up on Prozac or an equivalent anti-depressant. Of course, she has a Customer ACE award right at her desk. Puke.

Even though I may look for another job, I probably won't actually go through with interviewing quite yet. I have to give this transition a try. How does a week sound? Honestly, I'll probably remain through the end of the year and then look for a supervisor position within the organization. By then, I'll have finished another semester of school and boy how smart will that make me.

Smirnoff Ice. Kinda tastes like lemonade. It's mighty good at first, but then my breathing becomes impaired by the way it makes my nasal passages get all stuffy.

I have to be up by 7:30am so I can take my car into the Acura dealership and have the CD player looked at. Lube lube lube... Of course, I'm not tired.

So yeah, this weak has been long so far. I don't really feel that I have anyone anymore to talk about the things in my life to. I don't feel close to anyone in particular and to some degree, I feel like I've gotten so used to relying on myself again that the need to share thoughts has not been so urgent. In trusting my instincts right now, I don't feel like sharing. I feel I should just sort this out in my head and then be. Aye aye aye...this is how it should be for now.

Randy and Nathan are not getting along. Hehehe. Serves me fucking right for not listening to myself back in March. I was in such a hurry to get out of my mother's place that I chose risk against instinct. Instinct said that Nathan had a drug problem that I did not want to get pulled into. Instinct told me that even though everyone liked Randy, that a repeat of what happened with Laney would be in my future. (A repeat in terms of the relationship being somewhat non-harmonious to a triad living situation.) I wanted a new start in my own place again. Here we are.

I know that the two of them are jealous of each other when one gets to spend time with me. Shit, I'm jealous, because I can't hardly get a moment to breathe by myself anymore. Even these moments to write are spent in a small heat of guilt for not going to bed instead, but oh well. I'm entitled. I'm remaining as neutral and out of the feud as possible. A part of me wants to sit down and say, "Look boys, we all have to live here and I'm tired of this." but I know that right now I haven't the energy, that I'm bothered that they can't deal with their own emotions directly and decisively so that my home harmony is not disrupted. That's a bigger issue in itself....a peaceful home, something I've always worked at attaining.

I've been thinking about my grandmother a lot lately, but not in direct picturing her thoughts. I think as I start to tire and look for support, she is always in the recesses of my support system. I'm no Saint, but my expectations of people must be through the roof with the way I feel let down. It's not necessarily true that people have done anything to me directly, but it's that empathic emotion that runs through the common energies connecting us. I feel this ugly deception, denial, death surging through and maybe that's what has me down lately. I wonder if I let others down. I am perhaps not as giving of myself and this could be their interpretation of a "let down?" ...I was just on YAHOO and not just there but many places you have categories for people that have the basics: SINGLE, MARRIED, DIVORICED.... but all too common is also, MARRIED, BUT LOOKING. Infedilty sucks man...it blows a cactus w/out lube. And I don't know how big I really am.

I started writing an hour ago. I keep pausing to go through DanceSafe mail, websites, and try to collect from the pool that is my head. Come what may.

If you smile someday
Shady sandpaper might smooth you over
Disguising it's grip in lotion
the candle wax hardening, not dripping away.
But not every smile is sadness
sometimes the tears are rivers free
making green the tiny seeded ground
making green

j.r.me