Dull thumbnails

The veins running down my forearms to my hands remind me of deltas. They reach out to the knuckles. Marks on the skin remain longer, the the memories of how they got there are shorter.

Who's going to drive me home, tonight?

1/4 or A Quarter

$0.25. That's it... only one. Can't watch much porn with that, but it's enough to get the cute boy from the parking lot into the booth. The Old Man hesitates. But then motel room is so appealing and.. la la la la la... it happened... I'm in my room as this story is being told to me and I'm smiling. It's fun. I'm 30--almost. And this is what life is supposed to be full of; moments of touching sentiment wrapped in music--NSNYC. Mr. M-J-T.

The scent

Shivering. He's curled in a ball to my left, resting his head in my lap. I put a blanket over as much of him that I can, but it's awkward in the back seat of my car. It's 4am. The leather seats are cold and the night's cold is unrelenting. The heat of just moments before has faded and I stroke his hair, sharing my warmth to defrost his heart. I can't take care of him any more than he can himself, but I think about it as the scent of our sex disapates.

Home is this room in Irvine. Home is in the hearts of those that will share my birthday this weekend. Home is a blueprint waiting to be built.

Alex

Across the bar, he was a man for the first time. I saw his face differently. It was the visage of the masculine Columbian who was tender when I held him. Burning candles and tasty dust faded away as I watched him. So Cute. These type of memories are the best kind. Smiles upon smiles with giggles on top for cherries. Ha Ha. Tops. Cherries. His I'll have forever.

30

Thirty...almost. To me, it's an outfit that I bought years ago. Not quite formal, business casual maybe, and I never much wanted to wear the clothes, but they fit and I looked good in them so I did. It was never really my style. I've never been one to seek out the latest fashion. It's no wonder that my clothes grew old before my eyes.

allegria

when art sews a wound and tears seal it clean

Honesty Barrels

...a picture of these barrels just sitting around--aging. Like wine, like oil, like anything of value. I see us inside these barrels trying to find the truth of ourselves and ultimately it is only time that controls when this truth is found.

I am so very detached.

Kellan asks how I am and I tell him...
"I just work and then go spend the money that I made on food, going out with friends drinking, watching movies, and sitting in my room jacking off. Wow.... pathetic, but true.... But then... if I was married and had a family... I'd be working... to pay for the spouse & kids... the house repairs.. the vacations.... probably jacking off because we'd be too tired to have sex regularly... so I guess it's just a little different of the same."

I was talking with Cardwell on the phone, briefly, as he's about to leave condo to move to Temecula and be in his new home. I mentioned how owning a home changes people's responsibilities and things that they spend their money on. It forces certain changes. I've avoided it...and continue to do so. What keeps me young is partly the lifestyle that I choose to continue leading.

Thanksgiving is next week.... my birthday 10 days after that. Joys.

Pay Per Pee

Extinguished candle smoke rising above the toilet as I'm peeing and seeing that the B-complex vitamin has definitely dissolved. The bathroom is cold because earlier I opened the window in the shower a few inches. The sounds outside, the cold, the smell of candle & smoke, the water splashing... I remember a bathroom in San Francisco from 1999 that was more like an outhouse in this Victorian home. Hard wood floors, creeking, a candy dish on a coffee table, a gay couple--visitors, much like myself; one is a psychologist and talks explains that antibiotics and ecstasy would have no interaction and that they only used ecstasy maybe once or twice a year and kept it in their underwear droor.

This memory swept into my head because of the bathroom temperature. I leave the bathroom and think that a cold pepsi would taste good and that I should write about this.

Cut away

I don't know what it is that drives me sometimes. I'm having to ask myself that question a lot lately. When younger people ask, "What's new?" I'm reminded about how much things change at their age and how there is actually something new each day that moves them along.

More Mood Food

1:02pm
I've been cleaning. I moved my furniture around a few weeks ago but haven't really picked anything up since shifting. Books, CD's, DVD's, magazines, paperwork, and most notably pictures are strewn all over the carpet. I've managed to put the books that I'm keeping up on the shelf. I've discarded the empty CD cases. Every so often I stop to check something on the computer---the last stop was an hour long as I decided I needed to clean off any unnecessary files. Then I went to go and defragment the hard drive and found I only had 11% disk space available---even after my clean-up. I grow bored of these projects too quickly...so now I'm typing a journal entry.

My phone just notified me of a new text message. It's an e-mail notification. I get them when certain people send e-mail to my main account. This particular one is from my mother, sending yet another chain e-mail. I rarely read them. I hate those things. Sometimes I do. Mostly depends on my mood. I haven't seen my mom in two months now and that fact has been on my mind. I've tried to think of a reason. I think the obvious one is that I've just been extremely low and moody and I don't want to be put in a situation where she will trigger me to be angry or upset on top of how I already feel. That's sad to say, but honest. I know that.

I launch Trillian because even as I write this entry I'm not sure that my own thoughts are going to keep me entertained. The house windows are open. Cool breeze finding it's way over my skin, blowing the curtains outward and inward--breathing.

Sifting through the pictures is something that I have put off for so long. It's a whirlwind of pain and pleasure to see the past. It's hard to see some changes and beautiful to notice others. I've thrown away so many duplicates and pictures that might have seemed important at one time but no longer hold value. I'm not even half way done. I have empty photo albums and two thick posterboards to use for those pictures that ultimately remain.

1:22pm
"..Am I standing still.."

Yesterday, I got home from work and quickly got into a paralyzed mode where I didn't want to leave my room. I was online, watching tv, zoning. I wanted to write but nothing got typed. I look to the future and this dark part of me just doesn't see why we do it. Why do we set goals and try to achieve anything? I know that sometimes people do this because they're driven by success or money or both. Sometimes it's just for personal accomplishment. These things do not motivate me like they did when I was younger. So I spent the night in my room and then fell asleep to music randomly playing on the computer. I can see this depression like a fog in the canyon but I don't think being on drugs again will solve anything.

2:03pm
I just updated the journal entries from the last week that were in my planner. I took a break to wash my face. I'm not sure I should be dating right now. Or ever.

Between Departure & Arrival

11:10am Mountain to 12-noon Pacific:
In flight. I don't know what to say about how I'm feeling and that's why I'm writing. I'm in the air, on my way home. I feel like Ii spent three days in a dream with familiar elements. There was even a person (Zach) from my past. In one feeling, I felt drawn to Salt Lake City by that inexplicable energy that I feel in the presence of people who are lost but have found each other to console themselves... (fading)

PEOPLE HAVE ROUTINES. EVEN WHEN BAGS OF PEANUTS OR PRETZELS HAVE A PRE-MADE SLIT TO OPEN THE BAG, SOMETIMES WE PULL THE MIDDLE FLAP AND PULL APART THE SEALED END. I LIKE THE BAGS FOR SKITTLES. THE WAY THE BAG TEARS OPEN IS NICE & SMOOTH.

(Fading back)... When someone doesn't kiss they are keeping a guard on the door to intimacy. They have engaged a form of distance either for protection or for survival; perhaps even for fear of not knowing what they feel. And when you do kiss someone the way that the kiss is engaged tells a lot about how open that person is with you. Experience in relationships of intimacy can be felt in a kiss. Kissing Martin is different than kissing Alex. Kissing Dominic was different still. People that I have kissed where there is a strong mutual feeling for one another has this flow to it that cannot be measured by any one metric---it might be felt on a dance floor kissing a total stranger or the ex boyfriend after breaking up and having that one last fling years after the relationship is over.

I am coursing in this energy stream right now. An 8month old baby girl named Abbey is smiling at me. Giggling. She keeps looking back and I smile. She touches me and brings tears to my eyes. She is that innocence that I know I've lost.

21 Plus

7:40pm--Salt Lake City, UTAH
Went to Wendover, NV today. Gambled. Won the slot machine jackpot for the $.05 machine with Dominic's nickles. Broke even on the blackjack tables for myself. Seems I didn't schedule vacation for myself tomorrow. Oh well, there goes the final ESN.

I really need a nap right now. Gambling noise, cigarrette smoke and loud annoying people. Head needs quiet.

Utah Liquor

7:20pm--Salt Lake City, UT
Buying alcohol here is funny. Dominic drove me to the STATE LIQUOR STORE. When he parked and stayed sitting, it hit me that he wouldn't be able to step foot in the store. When I walked in, I felt like I was in a smaller, scaled down version of Beverages & More. Prices were around the same, maybe a dollor or two more. Now we're back at the apartment and our first drink of Vanilla Coke with Malibu Rum is being sipped. I'm a little more than half finished. Michael Jackson's "Billy Jean" has cycled on the MP3 player. Dominic is cleaning the kitchen. He's done now.

24 hours here and I'm still assessing myself in this foreign surrounding. I'm comfortable but not comforted. I'm glad I came, but unsure if fantasy and reality were meant to mix. Guess there's no room for thinking about it now. It's done. Dominic's roommate just came home so this deep lack of eyes is no longer something I'm writing about. Later tonight---drinner & dancing.

Babble on the Plane

"In night visions--sometimes called dreams--they walked in times that seemed important. And the rest of us asleep, without the hopes, tried with little effort to be the same. And we were."

Airplanes

12-noon
My 11am flight was cancelled due to "mechanical problems." Just as well. What good is being on time if I have to crash as well? So I called Cardwell and got him as he was pulling into his driveway. We had breakfast at Hof's Hut with the Brigade of Deficient Servers. Now I'm back at the airport and sitting in these airport chairs. Black. Of Course. Cute boy, painfully straight, is gnawing on his fingernails. Little girl, excited to walk, is moving quickly ahead of mother. Jeremy, emotional sponge--observing.

CHARACTER IDEA: Suggests diseases to everyone that they might have. Then the people eventually after being worn down think they might have these things.

Boobies

Martin & I had dinner at Hooters in Santa Monica. Neither one of us had been in one before. We lost out on Tuesday Trivia because I answered "Vogue" instead of "Vanity Fair" for one of the questions about Demi Moore posing nude on the cover. Damn. I forgot my I.D. and cards at home so we didn't go out dancing, but instead came home and watched "SEVEN." As usual... I hadn't seen it since the theater. (Kinda hard to forget how it ends though)

Cardwell was at the Sting/Annie Lennox concert at the Hollywood Bowl. Nathan is down in San Diego with the family enjoying some vacation time. My vacation time started yesterday. I'm not back to work until this coming Monday. Thursday I leave for Salt Lake City to visit Dominic for a few days and celebrate his 21st birthday.

While I was driving tonight I had several moments of chills. Also, flashes of heat. I started the day with getting up and looking through old e-mails to delete. Ran across my Randy file. The last e-mail in it was one he sent me when he was leaving our old apartment for the last day. As I started to feel tears from reading, "You'll always be my first love. You'll always bethe one who made me cry when we made love." I got up and went running. Came home, took a shower, and went to lunch with Cardwell.

What am I to people?

Two Bits

11:30am
When I got in bed this morning I felt something crawling on me. A nice feeling at 3:30am. Ants. My mortal nemesis.

1:00pm
Walking around the buildings, I'm okay today. I had fun last night at Rey's "kick back" with Martin. The straight kids were funny.

I'm money stressing again. Big time. It should be manageable in another few months, but for now. :-(

Fast Food, Fast Thought

I was going through the drive-thru at Jack-in-the-Box earlier tonight, listening to the Frou Frou song that plays during the end title credits for "Garden State." I thought of how one loved one dies shortly after another because their lives are so connected that one cannot live without the other. I've felt so lost since grandma's death 12 years ago.

The only bus stop on this route...

I don't know anymore. I guess I never really did. I used to walk around with a false confidence that I had a knowledge that wasn't really there. The way I carried myself and the way that I spoke reinforced this very fact---which wasn't a fact at all. I look into the faces of people lately and I see the things that they believe; the "facts" that drive them. It's nothing that is right or wrong, only right or wrong for ourselves. I don't have faith in a path for myself anymore.
So I'm drinking regular soda and not diet. I'm not sleeping much. I'm in debt more than I'd like. I'm not keeping my room as clean as I should. I see myself not being true to my vision of writing and these things must change. So let me start with writing...

This whole dating thing. I'm dating or seeing more than just one person. The fact that I'm doing this really isn't anyone's business because I have no committments or exclusivity to anyone, but I know that some of the people I'm dating read this journal and that has caused me to not write about anyone for some time now. Sucks. They're great guys. They make me smile. They make me feel good. I think I do the same for them. They're different. They are driven and have dreams. Don't judge lest ye be judged?... that saying hits my mind as I'm in between commercials for "Wing Commander." So I've had this writer's block because I have things in my head but I don't know how to put them down... the answer, of course, is just to let it all come out and not really think about it too much. In thinking, I'm not sure that I really am wanting to get too serious with anyone. That thought obviously conflicts with the feelings of wanting to be "boyfriend like" with someone. I guess in this search, I'm not rushing and just waiting for that "click" that happens with someone.

I've been on two dates with Martin. I met him through the Sunday group that Art had over to the house during the Summer. We had the benefit of being around each other in groups for a bit to see some of each others' personalities. He has these beautiful blue eyes that you can swim laps through the universe in. He's at that point in his life where the roads before him are being chosen and the paths will carry him into his 20's. I think we like each other, but I'm not sure how much we have in common yet. An interesting facet to dating Martin is that he has next to no dating experience and no serious relationship experience and that's something I haven't really encountered before. (Well, not since I was first dating) It's both fresh and fun as well as a challenge for my abundance of patience.. haha, yeah. He's leaving for school in Berkeley. I think that plays in my head in the overall equation. I have this thought of how cute it was when he answered the phone one night and was speaking Croation to his uncle.

Alex is someone I'd been talking to online for a while. We met by originally talking about hooking up one day for a 3-way that I ultimately wasn't in the mood for. I think the whole 3-way idea remains crystalized in a previous entry from last year and that's where I want to keep it. When Alex and I finally did meet in person I thought it was just about sex---and maybe it was. But as I've gotten to see him more and learn about him I sense someone worth knowing. I like his playful joking. He's a good cuddle partner. His phone sticks out in my mind because it lights up and goes off at the funniest moments to me. What did we do before cell phones? I thought he was leaving for Italy come January but looks like that has changed. I posed a question to him that has not yet been answered. I was wondering if he ever wanted to hang outside of the bedroom. So I don't really know what's up there. I'm trying not to expend too much energy to figure it out. I haven't had the luxury of really getting to know him to read him just yet.

There are others that I've met or hung out with. It's hard to capture all of my impressions. I know that each attempt brings me closer.

Advice to Phil

"I accept that life's good comes with its pain. In understanding this, you must enjoy the passions to the fullest, the fun, and then harbor the pain that is left in the wake of the ship leaving port."

Nothing I really finished saying

Fingers on plastic. Fingers stretching, cracking. Fingers crossing and feeling the throbbing of my own pulse. Pondering... and then it hits me: stomach acid, hunger.

Dating is the process by which we learn about others, and they about us. In the search for knowledge, emotions flood the facts.

Miss Chief, Amiss

Not up early, never slept yet. Car stress. The clutch died Saturday night right inside of the Pacific Design Center in West Hollywood. Nathan was with me. I should jump on the Cardwell, Water Wielandt bandwagon and take up smoking as well. Being that it was a holiday weekend, I had the option of using Auto Club to tow me 45 miles back to The OC at a flat rate of $200 or use my free 7 miles to the Santa Monica Acura dealership. Later today I find out if I can pick up my car to the tune of $1400. Vroom vroom.

I can't sleep and the sun in coming up. I'm sweating.

(pause of about 30 minutes)

I'm finding that more and more I'm censoring myself here and I'm doing it for the sake of privacy. (My own and other people's.) This conflicts with my ideal of just free-flow sharing. The air conditioner just kicked in and I feel my skin getting clammy instead of just wet.

Perched

When happiness is a block away and walking isn't an option, some would choose to crawl while others will sit in the window and look at it from a distance. Sometimes the dream, the fantasy and the yearning for something is a better deal than actually obtaining and securing it. Like a career or educational goal... you work hard to reach a certain level and then what? You have to create new goals, ambitions, aspirations. We do this so we won't be bored? So we feel that we have purpose? So that we have the sensation of movement when all along the Earth is turning and we move whether we put effort into it or not.

I was reading Tim's online journal. Unless he's moved it somewhere else, there haven't been any entries since March. So much pain and anger. When I spent time with him I felt my instincts kick in and wanted to give him the things that could balance out these internal feelings. I couldn't. In some strange way we all build up our walls and create a life that we believe works for us. There are certain "needed" stimuli, other vexing ones. We calculate--consciously or unconsciously--the events that bring us pleasure and pain. We keep thoughts in our head that we don't share and those things are the source of excitement and shame and sometimes both or neither. When I meet "open spirits" I find myself drawn in by their life. Not because they are necessarily any more happy or sad, but because the have developed a way of living that I still have never found comfortable---being open. Although I've been described as "free" that's very different that being exposed. The freedom of flight that someone would see in me would most likely be someone regimented to a daily routine.

Lying here stretched open

A few days of thoughts accumulating. Mostly me trampling on myself. I'm many things inside and only one thing is looking to be fed.

Monday I was reminded of the "Let It Dry" story. Paul and AJ were over to watch movies with Art and since it was my Friday Night I stayed home and joined them for "Runaway Jury." Paul was talking about his roommate and how they have a bunk bed where the bottom bed is a fold up futon couch. This took me back to the bed I had when I moved to Upland. Time warp. It's 1994 and I'm in my room. Stace and Tom House had spent the night, Randy Avery and I were boyfriends at the time. We thought the other two were asleep and proceeded to mess around. There was nothing to clean up with afterwards and I whispered, "Just let it dry." Later that day, we were at lunch at Don Jose's and some water was spilled on the table. Tom & Stace look at each other and then at us and said, "Just let it dry." Good laughs.

Tonight Paul & AJ came over. Phil and I had spent the day hanging out. Art came home and we all watched, "Pieces of April." I laughed several times, but I also found myself emotionally drawn in by the family dynamics and the good will that neighbors will afford one another. The end sequence was "shot" in a way that evoked tears.

My alarm will go off in 8hrs. I remember, just now, that I won't be on the phones at work and will actually be doing floor support training. A piece of me is relieved for the change.

Eddy had his surgery and is layed up in bed for the next week. I joke about loving the time off of work, but the truth is that I'd probably hate it as much as he does not being able to move about and be free. He told me it was Tim's birthday today (Wednesday). Happy birthday, Tim. I wish I would've known. I should really be thanking him for helping me to put more of my own wants/needs into perspective. That's what I opened this entry thinking about... the one part of me that's just looking to be fed. It's just the real me. The part of me that flashes heat. My eyes felt dry from the air conditioner but I see now they've been moistened.

Dinner

I should have known that dressing up in slacks and a button up shirt would
ensure that dinner plans with mom would get cancelled tonight.

Soup of the Day

11:30am
Tumbling. Tumbler. The first implies to me some sort of controlled,complex movement. The second makes me think of ice. A scar on my left armis mostly hidden by the hair, but I can always pinpoint it by a red dot nearthe scar. I don't remember how I got the scar. It's just there. It alwayswill be.I don't always remember how I got a lot of the scars in my life.

11:55am
Tired. Presently on Nyquil to control all the congestion and allow me tospeak on the phones at work. I woke up not sure if I was in my bed or not.Faint memories of laying my head down in the pillows. A though crossed mymind about putting music on but I ultimately decided against it because Iwanted uninterrupted, soundless sleep. It must have worked because I don'tremember waking at all during the brief 4 1/2 hours of sleep. I do rememberthat I was dreaming the type of dreams that feel real.

12:noon
Jeremy Jordan was at Motherlode last night. Haha. He's as tiny in personas I would have imagined him to be. DRIFTING.... as I sit here and think ofwhat I'm typing a Depeche Mode song hauntingly plays over a few lines:"Something so worthless... serves a purpose...makes me a happy man... can'tyou understand... say you believe..."

12:09pm
I keep dosing... I only took one Nyquil pill because I didn't want to beknocked out. I've always liked this ambient, calmness of Nyquil. I'mstarting to get hungry too. Another hour until my first break and then aquick run to Jack in the Box. It will compliment the Taco Bell that Iinhaled as I exited Red Hill from the 5 FWY this morning at 4:20am. Thedrive home.... long and dangerous. Sober, but so so tired. It was onlyabout half way home that it started to bother me; somewhere around the 605FWY. Windows went down. Talk radio went on. It's the talking that usuallykeeps me awake. Music lulls. Sometimes I can put a song on and startsinging to it and that will help to keep me awake. This morning I actuallyslapped myself on the cheeks to jolt some alertness back in me.

12:18pm
Three black widows. (Drinks) Cardwell and Eddy saw each other for the firsttime last night. Civil. More than that, there's a strange love of friendsthere. We're all terrible at communicating that to each other. I would saywe all do it out of protection, survival; and sadly we feel that instincteven around our friends.There are so many layers of emotions that tie us up. I can't really explainit completely. My thoughts toward Eddy are probably clearer. Flashes thatare entering my head: ...hugs, listening, stubborn, ignoring, looks, kisses,walking, drives, common; knowing what is right vs. something primal that iscontrolled; sharing a common relationship (chuck); sensing that which ishidden and understanding it.

2:21pm
Visions prancing quickly as I close my eyes and open them. I was thinkingof what Martin & I are going to do while hanging out tonight. KellyClarkson's "The Trouble With Love" started playing in my mind. The movie"Love Actually" is one he hasn't seen and that could be a nice and simplerelaxing thing to do this evening. I don't know. A walk around the lakes?Beach? UCI? I just want to know more.

2:50pm
Last night I drove around for 45minutes to find parking in West Hollywoodbecause I didn't have any cash on me to park at the Pacific Design Center.In retrospect, I should've just paid the bank fee at some other bank thatwas easily accessible and then parked. After walking the four blocks backto the main strip I found Cardwell, Justin & Jeffrey at Motherlode. Theyhad dinner together at La Boeheme. As the drinks wore on, Cardwell andJeffrey were alternately standing up and yelling "Coke" and "Ecstasy" asloud as they could in the bar. Justin and I pretended not to know them. I guess I should just be grateful that they didn't start yelling "PurpleRain."

3:00pm
Fifteen minutes until lunch. I'm definitely going to my car to lay down.I'm not even going to bother driving home to sleep as that cuts out 20min ofpotential sleep time. Changing of the guard here at work. All the earlymorning people are leaving and the 3-midnight people are starting. I toy with the idea in my head of whether I could wake up that early and then beable to leave right now. Laughter. I'm no morning person. I'd end upstaying up all night all the time and then be dead at work and sleep.

4:43pm
Naps...good. Mountain Dew...sweet.

Can't Quite Get It Out

I'm beginning that 2nd half of the year dip. I feel it. Even with the increased level of activity and wonderful, shining things around me I still feel so disconnected from it all. Phil had been talking to me about the movie, "Garden State" that he wanted me to go see. I finally did see it this last Tuesday night with Martin. Phil raved about the movie, but I found it just okay. I mean, I laughed an related. I thought Natalie Portman's performance was superb, but I think the movie is a good marker of how people in different points of their life will draw different meaning from the flick. In the movie, the protagonist is faced with trying to start experiencing life at 26; cold-turkey stopping his meds, and dealing with real emotions for the first time since he was a child. Coming of age or finding one's self.... a common piece of one's early to mid 20's. (At least the first go 'round)

In the midst of the drawing down feeling, I have subverted my own past words and I went on a date Tuesday. I've always searched for someone sincere and pure; honest, caring, affectionate; someone without pretense or malevolence. I know that it's only someone like this that can compliment my nature. Problem being... my nature has had plenty of time and experience to form a dome of concrete like a nuclear reactor. Maneuvering through this world and finding people who I can touch and not feel absorbed or who can touch me and not drain me is tricky. Sometimes I still feel guilty too... this grayness that follows me, that I don't control, that others inherit by being around me. You can't really prepare someone for my grays. (Especially when they're attracted to my bounce and chipper times.) A blanket and a stuffed animal are no substitutes for skin. And my one rhythm beating is not so soothing as the rumble of two drums blending with breathing. Sigh.

It's lunchtime.

When I take the glasses off...

Once you break the glow stick, there's no stopping it from glowing until it fades on it's own. So what is the half life on my emotions? What scientist can tell me that one?
What makes someone ugly or attractive is often not simply how they look. Attitude and personality actually do play a role in the deal. Insults about someone else tend to make me back away from someone. It's part of that overall negative energy that I want to steer away from. When I'm around it for prolonged periods of time I have to grow a thicker skin to tolerate it and that just ends up keeping a wrapped up Jeremy.
Art had AJ & Paul over tonight (Monday) to watch "Beautiful Thing." AJ is from England so he remarked how his accent was going to come back hearing the character in the movie. Paul didn't understand many of the words being spoken. The accents are quite thick in the movie. I only know the dialogue from the number of times I've seen the movie myself.
Sunday Night the house was packed for the showing of "Nine Dead Gay Guys." A house of 20+ teen & 20-somethings. I seem to keep my distance, never really having a conversation with them. I think many are nice, many are cute, many are both. As I typed that last sentence, Phil IM's me to say, "Don't think so much." Hahaha. It's always been this way for me. The solutions to avoiding it are not ones that I like. Well.. one, I like, but it's not something I can do with regularity any longer---or choose not to. The other choice leaves me not high or low and not really thinking too much about anything with any passion attached to it.
My bed is made with blankets from mom, grandma & Laney. It was his birthday today (Monday-23rd). I left a message on his voice mail. His voice didn't sound happy on the message. I can always tell. Mom can usually tell when things are wrong with me--when I'm around her enough for her to see. Grandma was great at just making me feel snug & safe and now these blankets do just that.
So I'm going on this date later tonight (Tuesday) and I keep running into dead ends with the ideas because of timing. Good...that there are so many ideas to be able to put for later use, but bad because I get my hopes up and then have to start over. I'm left with the thought that it's not what we do so much as what we learn about each other during the process. Hahaha... I never would've looked at a date like this in the past. I would've looked at someone and knew that I thought they were "cute" and just wanted to be around them. Knowledge, growth, maturity... ugh. Sometimes I see it as more of a burden than a blessing.
There's no going back...

Testing

If this is posted on my website then the remote e-mail posting portion
of Blogger is working correctly.

7:11pm
It's officially happened. Cardwell became an old man who does not go out at
night anymore. I've actually known this for a while now, but we joked about
it on the phone today as I was walking back in from lunch. So here I am, at
my desk, waiting for calls and wondering what I will do tonight when I'm off
at 10pm.

Whatever I do... I know I'm not drinking tonight. Enough enough enough.

Colorphile Lives Yo-Yo Dieting to Krispy Kreme

"...it's like I'm waiting for the scars to heal..."
-lyric from Sneaker Pimps' song, "Loretta Young Silks"

Headset is on. I can't even hear my fingers 'mashing' on the keys. (As Cardwell would say it.) I can't help it, I type fast and it clatters.

Phil and I went to Boy Bar last night. Another venture into the gay night that's new to him. It's wonderful how sharing an experience with another person can enhance your own experience. Sure there are other factors. My last trip to Boy Bar was before my eye surgery, I was wearing glasses that I had to keep taking off because I was sweating and they were falling off my face and then I was essentially blind. Watching Phil experiencing so much for the first time reminds me of those memory files I have stored away and don't look at much. Eddy was there and we said hi from a distance with our hands, then later with a hug and a kiss.

It's 11:35am on my clock and I'll be going into work soon doing floor support from 1-10pm. I'll write more when I'm there since there seems to be a lot of down time in between questions. That clock keeps changing. It keeps reminding me that I can't sit here in bed comfortable much longer. Music on my head has moved to Fleetwood Mac's "Dreams" only after drifting through a couple of Fischer Spooner tunes.

Quickly things on my mind.... Martin, school registration, seeing my family soon, this weekends' events that I have not decided on attending or not. Bleh.

In that time

The minds of creative youth are filled with the thoughts that fuel us. They will never enter this time again. They are the very excitement of life that makes it worth living.

Last night was the opening of Club Thrust. Good turn out. Ali did his usual great job mixing music. As my luck would have it, Randy was dancing. It's that funny song of coincidence, that song that never leaves your mind and you find yourself humming it all the time. Catchy & annoying at the same time. I drank to numb myself. A cute boy named Paul came up to me as I was "transitioning" and I don't even remember what he was talking about. Dustin from last Friday was there and I ended up making out with him on the floor again. It's during this time of being fluidly lost that I find some of the happiness inside of me that is overshadowed by the bottled pain. Simultaneously, this is when the pain is most evident. Sometimes I think the two have a synergy and that one can't exist without the other.

Martin, Corey, Austin, Chris, Willy, Phil and the rest of the boys were there. We were all dancing around. I was soaked. I left my sweat shirt at Ali's booth. I'd go back again. I'd be more prepared for what I would see. Eddy was also there. We both did a fine job of ignoring each other. I wanted to enjoy myself and didn't want to acknowledge anything heavy---I was already dealing with seeing my ex.

I finished watching season two of Dark Angel today. I'm bummed that it never went further. At least one more season.

Yesterday I spent time with Ty. It was nice to be sensual again. So much twisted pain in his eyes. I'm sure that part of the cosmic draw between us. I never fail to find that pain in someone.

Tonight... I'm letting go of a little bit more.
One tear at a time.

It's a long and winding road...

...well, maybe not. It's simply Laguna Canyon Road (HWY 133). I'm driving behind a slow Mercedez. I think it drives slowly because the person behind the wheel is drunk and doesn't want to draw attention. Ironically, the line of cars piling behind me does just that. I can't play any music because my battery died two days ago and was replaced by Cardwell last night. I don't know the factory code for the radio so it flashes an error message at me each time I turn it on. My car starts... that's enough for me.

The windows are all down, the sunroof is open. The wind isn't cold because my body is still warm from dancing. I feel the sweat in my hair drying up and my head is the first part of me where the outside temperature touching my skin's surface equalizes. A second lane opens up and I downshift to third, gas, pass and am back into the originally lane again while the cars behind me start to do the same. I think of myself typing all this out into this journal and really the only thing that I think in my head before my thoughts rapidly wander off is the opening line, "I'm driving behind a slow Mercedez."

Home tonight is a place where I want to snuggle. I want to have sex. I want to just sleep. It seems that all my wants are competing and this keeps me awake. It was 2:15am when I got home and now it's 4:45am. I watched an episode of Dark Angel, season two. I've started another one as I'm typing. Sleep... need sleep. Sometime soon I will collapse, or I will stay awake and wonder why I did this to myself when I'm dragging sitting at my desk.

I goto the bathroom. As I turn on the light, I glance at the mirror and see someone. It's me. The body is changing, but the eyes are still the same. I think of all the things that I don't capture to talk about here. I wonder about something that I'm not sure of and typing that out now seems stupid since you won't know what that means--and chances are I won't understand this later on either. With a faint taste of diet Dr. Pepper left in my mouth, me and my boxers sign-off to watch this next episode.

I made out with a boy on the dancefloor tonight. His name was Dustin. I watched him watching me and could see in his eyes that he wasn't attracted to me, but rather the idea in his head of what I was like. My hat on slightly sideways, my dancing--different than the typical Laguna fags. When I felt his body, I could tell that he had been losing weight and was shaping. He looked good. Cute. Innocent--but not. When I made no overt moves back toward him he was off to another boy, or man. It was this sense that kept me guarded... and it is this sense that I feel so much lately.

More works in progress...

7pm-ish
Dream Ladders

This is the world we painted
In a subconscious vacuum
All the hues mixed
No more dreaming in color
So I climbed up to the black sky to fly...

In a million stars
We search for just one soul
Looking in a hundred beds
To find thousands of tears.

Until we're dry.

One day it will come
One day it will come
One day I will come.

Works in Progress...

((Been getting the urge to write songs/poetry again lately))
11:18am
Pictures, presents, parents flowing
It's a time when gardens green
Soaked up water for the growing.
TIME--ever slow & always too long
I had eternity in the pocket with a whole
So I guess that balanced me out somehow.

If I knew the cartoons were the best life ever got
I would've saved the girl (or boy)
I would've painted myself in technicolor
I would've melted crayons in my hair
I woul've taken that trip to the moon.

But this life passed me by in the blink of an eye
And I'm rocking here in my grave.

Heavy eyes, heavy hearts, hanging heads
All the sullen say nice things
As if this day was about them
And REALLY it becomes that way.


1:17pm
I fell asleep last night with the computer and DVD on. I woke up with IM's all over Trillian. A part of me felt bad because they were unanswered--ignored. Smart people are all around.

The Old Man Is Snoring

2:22pm
When it fucking rains it pours! Dry spells to flash floods. Restricted phone call from OH-Jeremy (that's Ohio Jeremy). LOL. He missed "talking" to me. This morning I leave the house @ 5:30am to spend several hours in HB before leaving to go to work. (Robbie) Phone calls over the weekend from Peep and Shy Sean.

(added afterthoughts while copying)
Who knew I'd have to identify Sean's.. a year ago there were none really. Shy Sean, Roommate Sean, Gemini Sean, HB Shaun. There's Hollywood Jeff. And where did Tim come from? That took me by surprise. Kellan in Washington, Eddie in Las Vegas and Dominic...oh Dominic. The Sunday boys that come to the house, how I get swept up into the newness of watching their lives begin to blossom and cross paths. Insecurity and curiousity meeting; experience lacking. I sense and see their unspoken words of attraction for each other and the uncomfortable, unknown responses when the feelings are not returned. As I watch all this, I realize that for the first time I have consciously not tried to intimately involve myself as much as I may flirt.

I've decided that that as much as I think each of these people are beautiful and interesting in their own right, I'm just finding reasons to derail myself.

Facilities

10:48am
Falling asleep while driving last night. Stope & Listen. I pull off to somewhere and find a Denny's parking lot to sleep in. I wake up a little after 6:30am. Disoriented. It's light gray outside.

Vinettes of Neurotica

12:22pm
-Bottled up causing physical symptoms
-let it out
-Euphoric recall---why was I up all night? I should have slept much more.
-Mental patterns override the best laid plans.

Mogo, Mongo, Madly...

9:15am
I sat down to think about the day ahead of me. My mind is a sponge that feels sopping wet and liquid glides down my themples--indicating I'm full.

The bird in a nearby tree is too loud. I'm moving.


9:35am
A parking lot away and a Jamba Juice order later, I'm still at the Tustin Marketplace. Across the street I ican see the Black Angus where Desiree, the bartender, keeps Cardwell and I smiling. Paul is a m anager there. He's still a "lil" cutie. I think of going to eat there today, but then remember that I told Phil we could get "cheap Chinese."

Gaggles of children are arriving and their adult chaperons usher them toward the movie teather. I guess that this is some sort of Summer movie series that I would know about if I had children. Alas, that plan has changed somewhat from the "movie in my mind."

I'm sitting in the middle of a food court where nothing is open except the coffee shop. Europe has had cafes for generations...we Americans are such infants. I listen to a large clattering foundatin and Latin music piping out of Rubio's.

9:45am
I was typing with Ty last night and I told him that I was all "tied up." I didn't really want to go into too much detail. I just felt like putting my brain on the back burner--so I did and went downstairs to play Smash Bros. Melee. It's not as fun playing alone, but it's still entertaining. Much like jacking off I would equate.

So I play until I can feel frustration building because I've never taken the time to actually learn anything new about the characters I'm playing. Then I realize that this is a metaphor. I feel lazy. I turn off the downstairs lights and retreat back to my room.

Trillian, the program I use to IM, has an away message response sent to Martin and that makes me smile. A conversation ensues, but that adds to my feelings of being bound. I remember that I have an early appointment with Acura to have my back brakes done and I sign-off while Phil is telling me to sleep and Martin is sharing the drama that is normal and natural for a boy of 18. There is e-mail on my AOL account from a stranger and from Jeff. The stranger seems nice enough and Jeff ties me up some more.

Writing in the shade seemed like a good idea, but the breeze is making my nipples the new diamond cutter standard---time to move again.

10:00am
A gay boy walks by as helicopters fly overhead. Hmm...fly overhead? As if they could fly "under" head? Or maybe they could do a quick drive-by. There is so much redundancy in my writing. Anyway, I know he's gay because of his bleach-job and the prolonged way that he looked at my "XY" hat from a distance and then decided to walk around a second way to get a closer look at me.

A man in a distinctly orange/yellow shirt starts talking on his cell phone to my right and as I glance at him, he reminds me of one of the prison administration actors from the HBO series, OZ.

This sun feels so nice. I can feel myself brown. It's a comfort. It's a way of feeling that part of me that is not white. (Or any colro perhaps) That very ancient part.

So what is tying up my head?
-relationship status and the choices I would make.
The patterns -- seeing them
But wanting them just the same
-The allure of single life. The freedom of freedom
-getting in touch with Marthalee
-" " Steve Harrison
-Going back to school
-Where will I be living?
-Money--always money---I spend like it's a bottomless pit.

I put headphones on and listened intently to music yesterday before work. I've started to cry when thinking about Randy. As much as I try to believe that I'm older and wiser, I still cling to the pieces of love that made me feel good. I do it with Grandma, with Lanny and with Randy as well. Seeing him this month just ripped the skin off of this healing portion of my body. Feeling this makes it unfair and unwise to be mingling with new people, but I'm lonely. Ever so lonely. The time with friends quells the hollow, but I'm a black hole of sorts. I want that longing look....a stare into infinity where I see something deep inside of someone and while they're looking back they see themselves like they've never seen before. I want that feeling that makes my eyes water because I am the object of someone's affection.

10:30am
I just spoke with Nathan. Looking foward to spending the weekend with him. Hearing his voice--his happy voice-- always puts me at ease. It reminds me of all the good things on my life that I should be thankful for and cherish. My friends have always been the nuclear family that I never had and always wanted. Well--I'm not sure about "always" but never really having had one I just assume.

I think I'm done writing now. Take a walk.

manly male man stuff

Men gather and talk about manly things, and the men are happy. The men laugh about their manly things and their laughter gets louder and louder so that all can see and hear them. And again, the men are happy.

July 25th Transfer Entry

CHARACTER IDEA: Person has saved every movie stub ever seen. (side note, Chris saves Fortune Cookie fortunes...)

I've never been on the cutting edge of music of fashion; innovative in thinking, yes; lazy and/or afriad; I've watched as my peers have become odler. What grown-up things do I do?

Last night I saw the Bourne Supremacy w/Sarah, Phil & Grant. I kept forcing myself to blink durring the suspenceful or action parts because I didn't want to my contacts to dry out. Ha Ha.

I got tired after the movie. Grand, Phil & I were hanging out @ The Klatch, but I wasn't feeling it.

I've decided that I can't read American Psycho. In skipping ahead there are chapters that are too gruesome for me. I felt very disturbed.

Boys on the mind.

Woman Artist Love

Some say that LOVE makes the world go 'round. Pat sang that LOVE is a Battlefield, while Mariah had a Vision of LOVE and Tina asked What's LOVE got to do with it? Annie sung about No More I LOVE You's. Donna sung about feeling LOVE. Whitney said that the greatest LOVE of all was learning to love yourself.

There is a virtual fingerprint left everywhere we tread these days.

ahhh.....

I believe that the roles people "fall" into somehow satisfy something they desire. (healthy or not)

Dark Angels

"It shows affection in the only way it was taught to."
-jmp

The Ice Cream Truck

So a guy called into work today and asked where he could download the "ice cream truck song" for his ring tone.

Boyfriends can bring you warmth and sometimes even style, but they really never change who it is that you lay with when you close your eyes to sleep. All the whispered thoughts of your own must find a silence.

Character Idea

Character has lasik eye surgery so that they won't have to wear contacts and then starts wearing colored contacts.

Another character must drive everywhere with driving gloves.

Electro & boys

Listened to soft/electro CD that Phil made me while driving into work today. Very enjoyable. Makes me sleepy.

He was a lanky boy, but he was entirely beautiful. I felt warm inside when I saw him looking at me.

A Day In San Diego, A Hillcrest Delight

-Hamburger Mary's...fun with lesbians
-Cardwell is trying to play the game on his phone, "mobile Chesee" (Chess)
-Phil becomes known as "Straight Phil."
-Margarita Mary's is a nicer place to have drinks
-Bought "Piggy" @ RiteAID
-Numbers...dancing...  lost Eddy for 2 1/2 hours
-Long drive home....many emotions.
 
 

What's Fate got to do with It?

I decided to go to WeHo and spend time at The Abbey instead of going to Boy Bar because a part of me did not want to run into Randy.
 
Randy was at The Abbey.

I see therefore I close my eyes

I had a dream a day or so ago--who knows with all of the napping I do--Steve Harrison was somehow linked in a series of different frames.  I think it's because of all this writing that I've done lately.  I think it's because of his e-mail from over a month ago that I still need to respond to.  I think it's because it's time.  I think it's because I still search for a mentor sometimes even if I know that no one person can be that.
 
I've been picking ever so lightly at the pages of AMERICAN PSYCHO.  I skipped ahead and read a gruesome chapter and it reminded me of a scene from Ellis' LESS THAN ZERO and I wonder wabout his private life.
 
There's this temp who works here who is cute and he just arrived.  Always as I'm leaving.  Even after all these years I still feel self-conscious with my glasses.  Speaking of glasses, went for my pre-operation LASIK check-up yesterday.

The Search

He's fielding untamed territory.  I say to see the situation ifor what it is and then just enjoy yourself.  EASIER SAID THAN DONE...I know.
 
We all just want tto feel that love.

Burn baby...burn

I wateched Farenheit 9/11 today and cried.  Even if 1/2 of the information presented was false--which I don't believe--that still leaves the other 50% that is true.
 
What is there not to get?

Day Day Daylight

I've been given a taste of what working days will feel like.  ((Worked today from 10:30am to 7pm)

Maelstrom

I'm listening to this CD that Phil made me. I recognize one of the songs from the movie, "Igby Goes Down." I rented that movie with Ryan last year. Something about my encounter with Robbie today reminded me a little of Ryan.

What a long day...and here I am at work again, talking to the largest population of idiots known to me. A customer was asked if she was in a rural area and her response was, "I'm in my bedroom."

Freedom ringing. Banging and clanging echoes of words that hold truth and sins; lies and committments. As I extend myself into more lives, I can feel them enter the hollowness. I can see and feel how the filling of this void gives pseudo-completeness...I write about it. I relate. I still see those moments in their eyes and wonder if giving myself meaning often means giving up some of the freedoms that I enjoy.

I feel free, yet always trapped by my own mazes.

Strays

"At the Pentagon, the world's largest office complex, 250 light bulbs are replaced each day." --Cranium fun fact.

How do they know? Are these figures from the Pentagon that are exaggerated to pay for other things?

I was relieved to find out that I was not responsible for damages caused to a condominium complex over LA Pride weekend.

I'm without contacts. I threw my last pair in the garbage on the night of 6/30. Glasses are the screens that I shall gaze upon the world until my surgery on the 19th. My third day without--my eyes still water quite a bit.

Less than half a year until 30. I remember my mom turning 30 the year that we moved into the house in Chino; 22 years ago. Thoughts of Auntie Dot and picture memories race through my mind.

I don't want to work tonight. Would be so much fun to be out with friends.

I'm reminded of a feeling right now: Flowers For Algernon.

Inking the well

4:10am
On lunch I drove Sand Canyon toward Quail Hill. All developed now, the lights on the hill are very different from the floor plan mailers that Randy and I used to receive when we dreamily thought of buying there. The full moon guided my drive. It lighted the hill like a beacon.

PILOT -- PRECISE V extra fine rolling ball.


Cardwell made dinner last night. Taco Salad. It tasted good, but I wasn't in the mood to eat it. I've just been "stuck" with myself. I mean really stuck. Work schedule changes in a little over a week will provide a change in daily routine, but after that, it's me that has to pick up the packages and start changing my goals and ambitions. Hmmm....

A monk or a nun serves a god as their purpose in life. I must make my purpose, or, I must be content with not having any purpose at all and move through life aimlessly. (I think we all do this to some extent anyway.)

Love Bubbles

We are dynamic and yet we can crumble in an instant when the right circumstances unfold to us. I'm a sap for love stories; to even sense the potential and desire for such love to grow. I see it in the lonely eyes behind the initial lusting. It's sad that so many have not learned--or cannot learn--how to lay down that shield. I was at The Boom tonight with Phil. Earlier we tatched Spiderman 2. There were many moments in the moview when I felt sentimental. After the movie, we ate and then watched a sildeshow of pictures taken in Italy. Beautiful. There are few youth that experience this educational broadening.

Dancing into the Fire

He leaves a shirt behind and I find myself smelling it. It's a turn-on. It's a scent of memory. Even the lingering cigarettes that turn me off somehow add to the inhalation. He'll never ask for it back, and the moment will never be shared again; another moment that gets recorded and filed and loved for what it was.

I was never built for memories like this. Glossy eyes.

So I've taken to cleaning my room because I've let it go for too long. Mail in piles. Papers to file. (Most probably trash to sift through and discard) So many clothes to wash. I start dusting the top shelf and as I remove the picture sand sculptures I get the idea that the whole arrangement of items on all the shelves need to be changed. I flash back to the time when I would re-arrange the way my bedroom furniture was placed every 3 months or so. Looking at the task ahead, I think that I should stop typing for now and pick up later.... (8:02pm)

(10:24pm).... I get tired of cleaning. Hunger is strong enough for me to consider actually going out and grabbing fast food. The tums I took two hours ago have worn off.

Calls from Eddy on his breaks interrupted the cleaning process briefly. The boy constantly reminds me of the things I can't have and of the desires that exist and rarely get attention from me. I've been wondering what has had my libido in overdrive the past few weeks. At dinner with Matt last night he suggested it's just me cutting lose and having fun. I know better. True, I'm exerting my single-self much more than I have since Randy and I parted, but there's something more here. I still haven't pin-pointed it yet. Hell.... I have the Summer if I want it.

Tyler came over yesterday. It's the first time I've seen him since we stopped dating. When my mind starts to play doubts, it controls all of my body. The heat output, the heart rate; the sexual performance, the words that I can find to speak. It's at these times that drugs have always helped to quiet my mind.

Tangerine Sours Altoids will never be looked at the same anymore.

Quoties

"Rules are for the unruly."
-jmp

Questions in a Mirror

Slightly behind the times, I'm indulging in the cell phone ringtone download world tonight.

I'm reflective tonight. Hours and hours of sleep yesterday. What would my life be like had I gone and lived in Destin for a while? Would I still be there? Would I have as much trepidation in dating had I left Randy six months into our relationship instead of waiting two years? Hmm... I suppose I waited longer to jump back into dating after Laney than I have after Randy. (Not that 1 1/2 years is really jumping, I suppose.) Would I be so staunchly independent today if I were nurtured differently? Will it ever feel "normal" to be around people that I perceive to be well-adjusted?

Will I ever write? (Beyond here)

Gen X-er

I saw Brian Malmgreen tonight. He was driving a black hummer. Phil and I were walking in the back alley between Woody's and The Boom when a voice called form the window of the vehicle, "Jeremy Press Stay Guard!" I turned, squinted, and then realized who it was. His face was much more full-figured than I had ever seen it before. (Of course, the last time I had seen him was at least 7-8 years ago. We were children.) Strangely coincidental, earlier in the night I was talking to Phil about long distance relationships and how Brian was my only one when I lived in Sacramento.

My Saturday Night fades to Tuesday

1:11am
Home. It's this bedroom Irvine; this pillow I rest against. The room smells different. I changed the wall plug-in before going on my date and I've returned to the scent not quite knowing if I like it yet. It's pleasant and clean but it's different from what I'm used to.

Dating. Different than what I'm used to. This mixing of people in my life is not safe or easy to predict the outcome. It's risky. I might love someone again. I might hurt them. They might scar me. I might be happy. They might make that certain sound one makes while being held--a sigh that puts a smile on my face. Sometimes I look into their eyes and I melt away walls and borders. Most of the time I see through them. In true Jeremy form, I broke all the "rules" that I set in my head during this evening with Jeff. We talked about ex's; we went to a movie. Haha. In true Jeremy form... I just went with what I was feeling and not what I was thinking. I'm glad that I did and I'll be glad to do it again sometime soon.

LA Gay Pride Festival was this last weekend. I have vague recollections and flashes of Saturday. Sunday is much clearer. I deprived myself of so much sleep while polluting my body with libations with little nutritional components. I've decided that Jaeger is my memory loss trigger. I spent much of the weekend with Jeremy Irvine and his roommate, Brian. Cardwell was with me on Saturday. I never actually went into the festival itself.

I'm tired... trying to recount all of the funnies of the weekend I'm losing myself in thought. My "recollations" aren't so great. Popov (pop-off) isn't just a vodka.

Sade. I might just smile.

Working Bathrooms

This was worth of a quick note... So I'm in the bathroom at work and I flush the urinal that I'm at. As I'm zipping up, another guy is entering the bathroom, can obviously see me standing at the urinal and sees that I just flushed. I turn around and walk to go toward the sinks which are direction behind where I was standing. The guy is directly in my path as he's coming in the door so he holds the door open for me as if I was just going to walk out without washing my hands. When he realizes that I'm not walking through the door he lets it go and walks all the way to the end stall and closes the door as I'm washing my hands.

Two things came to mind... 1) eeew.. that he thought I wasn't going to wash my hands and that means he must not wash his and 2) EEEEWWWWWWW... he was going into the stall and probably wasn't going to wash his hands.


SIDENOTE: Konrad tells me he doesn't even use his hands on the lever... he kicks it with his foot. ::shaking head and looking down::

SARS casm

"Sarcasm is an artful defense, often both elusive and truthful."
-jmp

Egregious Love

I'm awake from another day of night sleep. Feels nice. The last two nights I have collapsed in bed in exhaustion and woken up not with the rising sun's rays coming through the window on me, but the light gray reflection from the light bouncing off the clouds. I've been dreaming. While I remember images, I don't remember content. I seem to have an impression of a lot of physical activity in the dreams because I wake up and my body feels like I've been using it.

I also wake up alone. I'm on my side and I'm holding a scrunched up blanket between my arms & legs. I have my arms around something without substance. I made a comment to Cardwell last night after dinner that I knew I had become "okay" with being single again when the sober days/nights started to outweigh the altered ones; such truth in the passing thoughts. I know that the random sex of the past week has really got me started on feeling that piece of me that wants to be tender and hold someone.

So I roll over and check my e-mail. There's one from Mack at Jam On It Productions, summarizing the events of Slink that took place Saturday Night going on Sunday morning. I, of course, was working. I had planned on going since earlier in the year when I thought I would be off of the graveyard schedule. Mack is someone that I met through Gabby back in my DanceSafe days. My famous smoking pot for the first time through a bong story would never have brought so many laughter had it not been for Mack offering one day. As I look back on my interactions with Mack, I never really got to know him, but I always had a sense of his good intentions. That's a very rare thing to find in someone who is dealing drugs. VERY rare indeed. As I floated out of the rave, nightclub, circuit scene, I also lost touch with a lot of people involved in it.

Reading his review of Slinky, I started crying a little bit because his examples of people having a good time, pulling together, helping to clean the event; these things embody what it is that I see lacking in everyday life between the cultures of the world. These are the things that I feel all the time when I'm walking down a sidewalk, driving around on streets, swimming in the ocean. It's a pool of energy that carries me through each day and that I try and share as much as possible----and that will be my life-long struggle. Sharing something of myself that I was conditioned to keep hidden.

Today is "my" Sunday evening. Since I've changed my sleep patterns, looks like I'll be pulling an all-nighter.

"Rapture" - IIO (Deep Dish Remix)... I lay back, close my eyes and think: "Sugar, you make my soul complete, rapture tastes so sweet." ::shivers::

WeHo Ho HO

After Guy's 40th b-day party at Hamburger Mary's in Long Beach, Cardwell drove my ass up to WeHo to go condo shopping with Justin & Jeffrey. It was great... I slept in the car while they toured the condos. Lovely.

Now I'm in their apartment and I'm watching the process of buying a home unfold. Couples discussing their likes and dislikes; the fears of long-term committment coming up; the reality of 1/2 a million dollars being offered like one was picking up the latest Fall fashion.

I've heard, "Shit or get off the pot." and " What are you waiting for?" Life lessons.

The Giddy Groins of 1-hr Sleepville

Delirious. I feel it. It's coming. Rain... feel it on my fingertips... But wait, there's no rain.. so what is it I'm talking about?

Doesn't matter. Cardwell wanted to find a drive-thru gas station. When he said that out loud, I immediately had to get on the phone and call Nathan. He sounds well and gald that the appendix burst is over with.

It's just my luck that something in my eye would stop a potentially awesome experience from happening. I'm sure there's some metaphor I could make about seeing things clearly, choices, etc... but dammit I wanted to have fun and it appears that forces worked against that. Drat! Round two.. perhaps.

Sagittarius & Taurus

I didn't want to leave my bed, and yet the plague of being responsible and going to work is relentless. There is a scent that lingers on me and that's nice.

So now what? This is where I would actually sit myself down and say that I think too much. It doesn't "mean" anything. It can't, because he won't let it and I know better. So there. Done. Simple. Gee, how easily the brain can compact the complexity of human emotion into a logic that we seldom actually follow. That is, what makes us human. Or is it what is left of a primitive animal that we have yet phase out? I'll never have the answer as there isn't one.

Too much to drink though... It is the impediment of alcohol that also drops guards to their knees. In this respect it would be nice to have the impediment at all times, but this dream must be laid to rest like all the others that I can't remember---in this way I can be at peace.

Hahahaha....Cardwell told me not to go home on my lunch break.

Ice on Fire

One of the joys of working graveyard is that this is the time of night when all of the systems we use for work go through maintenance. What? You want me to perform a change on your account? You want me to actually help you? I'm sorry, I apologize; you're shit outta luck. =)

So what's left to do? Quiet time with myself. Chit-chat with the co-workers. Listening to music. Writing. Yes, writing for another 1 1/2 hours before lunchtime.

I heard from Cardwell today that Nathan was in the E.R. because of possible appendicitis. What's next? I tell you, this health stuff is really a pain. Super Size Me! (Movie reference)

I spent the better part of yesterday morning playing Custom Robo on The Game Cube. I finally had to stop when I couldn't take reading the storyline any longer.

There was a wonderful BBQ gathering at the house on Sunday. I thought maybe 10 people would show. I think there were 25 there. Mom showed up. My new cell phone --of 3 days--found out that hiding under the water in the spa was not conducive to staying on. Furthermore, the toaster oven is not the most hospitable place for a cell phone's back cover to dry off in. It resembled a colorform more than it did a cell phone cover by the time I was done with it there. Famous last words? (Which I don't remember speaking, but will take the words of my friends...) "I know what I'm doing, I'm in tech support." Oh the many giggles we get from imbibing.

6:45am... 1hr, 45min from freedom for the day. I think about what I want to get accomplished. Do I want to enjoy another day secluded in the house playing video games or do I need to be out in the sun? I need to get in touch with Marthalee. The thought has been in my head for a while now. I've also been preoccupied with thoughts from conversations with Cardwell about Eddy, about growing old, about selling his place and moving. I've been thinking about being single now and how the surge of independence is fueling my actions lately. (And though being single and content for the first time in over a year, I'm still entertaining the thoughts of "what if?")

Monday night was the second time I ate at the Yukon Mining Co. restaurant on Santa Monica Blvd. I went with Ali after a new "alternative" club opening flopped at The World building. I'm not sure if it was drag queen night or transgender meeting grounds. I do know that I was way outside of my element and I was reminded of that daily goal to do one thing each day that scares you. I was definitely not comfortable and I have been wondering about that feeling ever since. There is a power that emanates from this small community when they are together. I sense that even among their loud and caddy conversations, snickering about each other, they would be unified in a second should anyone in that restaurant disparage them in any way. I think what really scared were the johns more than the femmes. Yes, I just figured that out right now typing.

Paraphrasing in the Passing Lane

This new month starts and I have memories lingering of the past couple weeks. Some absolutely beautiful, some so funny that I sit back and smile thinking of them right now, some painful and moisture rims the roots of my eyelashes. What I know is that this is all life and it's all part of the building blocks that construct a home for my soul.

On the 27th of May I went to two different fast food establishments and at both places my bill total came to $6.66. If I were religious or superstitious I guess that I'd have to consider myself a marked soul. But since I'm neither, I guess I'm safe. :-)

I'm just back from a few days in Las Vegas with Cardwell & Nathan. Cardwell and I drove out Sunday morning after I got off work and then drove home last night in time for me to be sitting here back at work again. Visiting with Nathan was good friend time. Oddly, I spent most of the time shopping. I don't know what possessed me, but I was spending money right and left and enjoying it. CD's, DVD's, clothes, food, movies, clubs.

Nothing of any real deep nature was talked about. I didn't expect it to be. I went to Las Vegas with the intention of spending time with friends and laughing. Not that I was trying to avoid anything serious, I just was not going to trigger discussion on anything that didn't want to be talked about. There were several different antennae moments which made me smile. At times I felt that Cardwell and I with our natural banter that has developed from spending so much time together might have been overwhelming. Funny. We walk into his apartment, Cardwell is busy taking on the project of changing out his "drip drip" shower head so that there would actually be pressure coming out and I'm busy with the project of fixing the DVD to TV connection that was not playing full duplex sound for some reason. ((This project is an entire entry in and of itself)) We have our stuff lying all over the place, making his spotless apartment pretty cluttered. But our presence I hope was a soothing therapy in itself. I know it is for me being around Nathan as he occupies so much of my mind all of the time.

Twenty-Five days left of this graveyard hell. I've e-mailed and asked as of today to find out if I'll get to bid on a schedule soon as planning this Summer out is near impossible right now. I want to visit Lanny in Florida.

I scheduled a date of July 19th to have my laser eye surgery completed. I'm not really excited or anxious quite yet. I think this will all hit the day of the procedure.

**The Childrens**... haha

I spent last Saturday hanging out with Rey and met his new boyfriend, Greg, over at Mark's house in Fullerton. A very casual night BBQ-ing shrimp, beef & chicken on bamboo skewers. I've been invited to a birthday party there on Saturday. This is the same day as Tim's party in Huntington Beach. In each case I will have to deal with the reality of having fun and then cutting lose and having to come to work.


"Love Actually" is something of a focal point lately. I mean that as the movie. I mean that as the soundtrack to the movie. I mean that as the spirits in my life that I can not erase or stop sensing. I watched the movie for the first time a few weeks back with Eddy at Cardwell's place while Cardwell was on a cruise up to Vancouver. The movie opens with a monologue as pictures of people meeting are in an airport and the monologue ends with the words... "love actually is all around us." I see that and feel that most of the time.

Watching the movie again in Las Vegas with Nathan and Cardwell I was able to cry more around them. Trickles really; the release of emotion around them was less guarded than with Eddy.

Drunken Master IV made a very honest call to Eddy from Las Vegas while at GOODTIMES. Cardwell was standing right next to me and I remember him telling me not to call and trying to verbally stop me, but as he listened to what I was saying, he realized how I was speaking from my heart and that I had no choice in keeping my own sanity. Now that my words have been clearly expressed, I know that I will not regret anything unspoken. I have exposed myself completely and though I feel like I'm just standing in the middle of the road waiting to get hit, I also feel like the road is long and the traffic is light.

SPANISH KITCHEN on La Cienega, near Santa Monica Blvd. in West Hollywood. Nice atmosphere and good food. Don't get the sangria unless you like it with clove.

Body Talks

Sometimes the body responds for the words that cannot surface.

I cried on the drive home before going to work. I wish I could find peace.

Meaningful Meanings

"I'd rather be alone than unhappy..."

We listened to the lyric in the car on my lunch break as we jetted from location to location.

We're going to Las Vegas for Memorial Day weekend.

My sore throat is coming back...it's so strange that it happened at the same time last year. Is there something in the air?

Why do the doors have locks?

On Monday Night Cardwell and I went to a 24hr Denny's that was closed. This was after seeing the license plate that said, "EAT CRAB," and pouring a double shot of Jaeger into a plant.

We ended up TGIF in Costa Mesa with my shirt that said "GAY athlete" and his that read, "FUCK OFF i have enough friends."

Twinkle Twinkle Little Mary

Yesterday I got the idea that this walking initiative should really have some bark behind its bite. Cardwell and I drove to OCC and then walked to try and find their track. Once found, it looked closed, so we walked around the campus instead. The old woman at the cash register in the cafeteria had this to say when we asked how she was, "Well, I'm alive." Yeah... that sums up a lot. We continued walking. I found a piano practice room and the guy next door was playing some very loud jazz. Playing well. So quite loudly I played Mary Had A Little Lamb & Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. It was the mood I was in.

I've been in quite some moods the past few days. I had a discussion with Rey some days ago about him being smarter than where he's at and what he's doing. Hopefully it's one of those conversations that sink in over time. I'd been dating Tyler long enough now to figure out through our words and our actions that we're both male, we like to have sex and beyond that finding common ground to talk about or share doesn't really happen. What's strange is that one 18 year old goes away and two more spring up in his place. When I was that age I wouldn't have even looked at someone who was 29 going on 30. But then, I had---and still have---some theories on the responsibility of the older person a dynamic age difference of developing times in life. When all is said in done here, it hurts to hurt other people. This is why I strived to steer from mean choices except in times of making a point.

Eddy is unable or unwilling to learn. Some days I feel it's one or the other or both. We all love and we all hurt when it ends, but not all of us are able to fold those feelings into a cumulative emotional experience. What I know is that I feel that recent interactions with Tyler, Rey and Eddy, I'm finally learning myself that the child in my head is starting to grow and I think that has been much of my moodiness in the last week. It's like I fight it, yet I know it's something that for me to mature in relationships I have got to do. There's a choice looming here... perhaps it's been here for several years.

Sexually I've been in overdrive. (But only the feelings surging inside, not in actions) Finding the balance between my intellectual decisions and my body's physiological impulses is so much fun. I look at those that would act on every impulse and see a sordid happiness but a serious sadness that is only masked by having more sex. While there is no universal answer for everyone here, I know that the only things that ultimately makes me happy is intimacy with someone that I know and trust...anything else is just a momentary blip of fun that is a spike of happiness that then drops down into despair when that spike isn't there the next day or the next.

There is so much love inside of me that I'm carrying. I miss being able to share it. I share it as much as possible with my friends, but it's not the same.

Spilling The Beans

I talk a lot more when I drink. I guess depending on what is revealed and to whom that can be a good or bad thing. Alcohol...the social lubricant of our lives. I wish it in moderation to everyone, but I fear it's blurring effect for the ones dear to me.

After getting off work yesterday, I didn't go to sleep right away. I called Cardwell and we began our day of drinking with red wine spilled all over his brand new shirt. Claim Jumper for lunch and buzz, "Z Tejas" for some slushy margarita thing called a Big Stick, and then over to The Clubhouse for a martini. The walking kept us level. Haha.

Phone conversations.... with Rey & Eddy. Tyler called while we were in front of Bath & Body Works. Cardwell says we spent an hour in the store, which is entirely possible. I was busy with the Vanilla Sugar and he with coconut Lime. I got my log-ride flip flops from A&F...orange, of course.

Two minutes till lunch break.... I thought there was more I wanted to talk about. Maybe after lunch.

Bomb This

I was reading this on YAHOO regarding Bin Laden's offer of 10,000 grams of gold for killing top military officials:

"The United States has offered rewards of its own for information leading to the captures or deaths of bin Laden and his top lieutenants, as well as for top figures in the former Iraqi government of Saddam Hussein (news - web sites). The price on bin Laden's head now stands at $50 million — far more than the nearly $125,000 that 10,000 grams of gold is worth."

When are these stupid old white men that run our country going to understand.... it's not about the money. Offering $50mil or even $100mil is nothing compared to someone's beliefs. You cannot crush an idea in the mind of one who is resolute.

Involuntary

I've spent the last two days in bed, hardly moving except to eat and goto work. I forced myself up tonight to go outside and walk for 30 minutes. Now showered, I feel clean. I copied an entry into this journal that I wrote on the way back from Las Vegas. It captured just a few thoughts. There are so many more.

In the silence of breathing, I picture myself as a bamboo reed in a pond. As rocks drop in and cause ripples in the water, the reed moves to accept the wave of the ripple, and so am I moving with each shockwave of emotion from the past week. In the quiet of my mind, I meditate and thoughts of Tyler, Eddy, Rey, Nathan come in time. Work politics. Will this heat subside long enough for me to cool my body? Cardwell leaves for a cruise and Big Kitty needs to be petted while he's gone. Saturday is Mother's Day breakfast time.

The only crying I have done was in side-splitting laughter at a mini-mart stop on the drive home from Las Vegas. It was 100 degrees outside. Cardwell stopped for water and so we could switch and I would take over driving. His description of the "short" cash register attendant who's head barely reached the counter, the black bananas they were trying to sell, the old homeless man standing in front of the building... all were enough for a smile, but then we looked to the freeway and watched a mini-van in reverse on the ON-RAMP. Seconds later there's a backfire from the tailpipe of some vehicle that drove out of the desert and pulled into the mini-mart. We were lost somewhere that most people will never know. I lost total control and fell to the ground in laughter. Tears--the kind that stream down your cheek to the chin and drop off when you're crying uncontrollably hard--rained on the asphalt.

I have no tears for anything else right now. Is that me, or the Zoloft?

Driving home from Vegas

...and it's the music again that seems to save me on this drive home. Carwell taps my knee to point out the correctional facility and I smile. It's one of many smiles that have been a surprise on this trip. There's been so much laughter. I think it's so we wouldn't cry. I think it's because we both project a strong exterior and in times like this our softer, vulnberable sides are forced--or perhaps naturally surface--to support our dearest friend.

Cardwell asked me yesterday what I expected from friendship. My vague response was that I expected everything that I would expect from a relationship with someone minus the sex. Then my serious response was: RESPECT, HONESTY AND A SENSSE THAT THEY COMLETE A PART OF ME. TRUST...HERE TAKE MY CAR. Someone I would trust with my life. I think I've always known the value of this true type of friendship so I have kept my friendship circles small and diverse.

Rabbit Ears

I'm surrounded by this pain right now. I can't even type...I'm trying just to get out what's stuffed inside, but all I feel is a headache.

How else are you supposed to feel when one of your closest friends tries to kill themself?

Sun to Sand

Boredom.

I was scouring the personals on gay.com today. I came across this 18 year old who had a caption that started, "I'm tired of all the..." and then went on to list what he perceived to be "immoral" things. I was thinking that if he's tired of all that at 18 then he's got a long life ahead of him. but I was the same way now that I think of it. I didn't tolerate the things I had never tried and knew nothing about and I would often say, "I don't need to know about it to know it's not for me."

That's a statement that comes from foolish self-confidence that disguises that there is a fear of unknown things. It's a fear so completely covered that the person doesn't think of it as fear, won't admit to it and simply clings to the arrogance of their moral ground being right for them. Who can argue that?

There is this path I started down 11 years ago. In my mind I started walking with a vision of what I wanted. I thought I knew myself, but I was a frightened child protecting myself at all costs. No one knew that because I wouldn't show it. There's a tranquility about having all this behind me. In a way, it always felt that I was running away. The destination wasn't as important as the distance. Now, it doesn't feel like there's anything to run away from and it's been so long that I'm not sure of where I'm supposed to be going.

When I was in Seattle, I felt a very strong sense of belonging. I think that sense is something that I've always had because of Grandma June and the legacy with Grandma Jean and Marthalee. Grandpa and Delores are still living in Washington as well. I took a drive along PCH this afternoon. California is my home. Staring at the waves crashing, feeling the sun on my face through the sun roof; I enjoy the moments of solitude where I'm not lonely.

Bee

The coughing girl on the plane shared her strep throat with me, or so I found out yesterday in the emergency room. I'd been doing the increased fluid intake and over the counter pain medication for the past few days, but sore throat pain finally got so bad I was tasting blood and decided to have Cardwell drive me to the Kaiser E.R.

Interesting people to watch there. I can't think of anyone else that I would have so much fun with in the E.R. Cardwell and I have a certain cynical but funny wavelength that we coast on. There was a woman there with a bright pink shift on with the clothing logo "guess" across her chest. Conveniently, the shirt was tight enough to be showcasing her obviously implanted rack. There was no guessing about it, definitely fake.

I called mom this morning. Hadn't talked to her in about two weeks since I started the Zoloft. I can feel a definite calm about me. It's a good thing, but the sexual side effects have got to find some middle ground for me. If I was actually sexually involved with anyone I'm sure they'd be ever so happy about the longevity, but I'd die of heat exhaustion before ever finishing. The conversation was a quick catch-up to find out that Philip is joining the Air Force Reserves and that Byron is still enjoying The River. I learned that the true stories of family details are never what children believe.

So now... here at Cardwell's. The time is 11:05am. I'm due to head out to the beach with my roommate. Rey & Eddy are passed out on the couch. Sleep it off boys. Randy is getting ready for a brunch he's going to and I'm waiting for a call back from Tyler. Everything is pretty orderly and timeless right now. I'm thinking of Marthalee. I'm wondering if Dominic is feeling any better. I have a desire to roll, but I'm aware of the probability that it will not be felt the same way and so I think I'm just feeling more content with being instead.

And so I be...

Windows

Often times I don't look people in the eyes when I'm speaking to them. I used to think that it was because I revealed too much about myself, but I actually think it's because I start to see too much in them. My mind races with so many thoughts as it is that I can't always be bombarded by the thoughts that I see from them.

But I do focus intently on someone's eyes when we're alone--intimately--and our faces are but a breath apart. I like seeing what's there and feeling what the silence says.

Are you outta your blogging mind?

So I'm here in West Seattle. I've been here since Friday and there is a small chapter to write about the experiences that Nathan and I have been having....

All I can say for tonight is... Kellan reminded me about memories of car sex. Rey reminded me why I'm here on Earth, Eddy reminded me why I need to be cautious, Marthalee reminded me that family is a good thing, Tyler reminded me that I've been missing someone in my life for too long now, Nathan reminded me of how we used to be and how things can be.

The Sweetest Things

...are often the little unexpected things. Tyler left flowers and a CD the windshield of my car. I remember doing stuff like that; driving completely out of my way just to deliver a note. He came over and we spent some ice-cream time together before I had to go to work.

My body is still adjusting to the Zoloft started last Friday. One week and I'm remember all the wonderful side effects...but nothing so terrible that I can't SLEEP through it. :-) In fact, I've wanted to sleep and sleep and sleep so much this past week.

In less than 12 hours Nathan and I will be our old Twilight Zone selves and I can't wait for that to start. "Yippee!!" I scream inside. :-) I just need to be away from this place right now.

The People In The Know

Countdown to my vacation in Seattle. I'm so looking forward to spending some time away in a land of my early childhood and with a friend from my early adulthood. There it is...that gruesome word: adulthood.

Over the weekend I got to touch death and relationships. Tyler expressed his desire to take our dating to another level, but I'm not comfortable with that. I'm still getting to know him as a person and though there is much I like about him, there is more unknown than known. My feeling is that the time I know that is necessary to get to know someone is an eternity at eighteen. I also know that I'm not eighteen and conversations are making that more apparent.

Cardwell asked me if my reluctance with Tyler had anything to do with me still holding out on relationships from not wanting to get hurt. It's a valid question, but that's not what I feel here. I truly just want to feel like someone's friend before I dive into what I had before. Repeating myself here would just be plain, "ignunt!"

Cardwell also sent me an e-mail here at work not too long ago bringing me up to date on the drunk status of Eddy & Rey. I responded quite simply with, "I'm over it." ((And I am)) Billy's death on Sunday was a clear sign of caution. It's a moment in time to take pause and count the things that are important in life and take stock of what it is that makes us beautiful and what can kill us--immediately or slowly over time. I cannot watch them continue to throw their lives to chance. I can only sit this one out, along the sideline of my own chances. Riverside coroner's file# 2004-2367.

In people's faces I see the lights that never dim; I see the shadows that will never leave.

Billy

Experiencing death is like shedding another layer of innocence. There are few other experiences that force us to grow and change.

I met him once, but through his friends I will remember him forever.

Ass Ess

I'm reassessing my values. The last time I did this I was living in Anaheim. I remember sprawling out in the living room floor of the apartment and writing things out. There were nine at the time. I added them to my website. I've got five major ones now. One that wasn't there before but is now is "health."

Ahh... the passage of time.

The Reason - Hoobastank

I'm not a perfect person
As many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You [x4]

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you

Quashing Quagmire

At the core is always going to be what was forged in pain and hurt and no matter how much I have learned to hide that or to cope and absorb instinct and translate it into something civil, there is no way to keep this hidden 100% of the time.

It's been bothering me--my actions Sunday Night. There are many things about other people that I know and keep private because they've asked me to, or because I know without words that it should be private. Exposing Eddy's voice mail to a room full of people didn't really fall in either of those categories now that I think about it. We're talking about a person who talks about each conquest in open rooms like nothing. In his own social circles, he's known for his ability to "make the rounds."

One part of me thinks, it was simply funny. It was a small party. I was laughing, I got Rey to laugh and so might others. Part of me thinks that I did it out of a sense of teaching a lesson... but what lesson? Part of me thinks that there is a built up anger inside of me in watching the whining but seeing the blueprint from which all woes spring. Part of me says that I must remember to accept my friends for who they are and not the potential that I see inside of them to be. This is a mistake that I have follied in the past with my relationships and to a lesser degree with friendships. It's the part of me that cares about people so much that I want them to bloom and not fall into their own gloom. Part of me thinks that I was jealous and that a childish streak lashed out. Part of me thinks that I have been keeping a lid on myself too long and he was just the random person who got hit when the lid burst open for a moment.

Is there more? Of course... my head is never empty and these pages are never full.

Age is relative?

18 - Joe, Tyler
19 - Rey
20 - Dominic
21 - Eddy, Javier
--------------------------
25 - Bobby
--------------------------
28 - Arturo
29 - *ME*, Cardwell
30 - Mark
31 - Nathan
34 - Joseph

No Colors

I woke up thinking about last night. I woke up thinking about the story of the frog and the scorpion. If we are the way we are and that cannot be undone, then there's no point in trying to change because we'll always find ourselves back at square one. I believe that we are what we are, but we always have a choice in the decisions or actions we take. This is what makes life interesting, worth living and ultimately why we fall down and get back up again.

What are my leopard spots like? Where do my zebra stripes point to?

Pastels in White

Eddy is trying so hard to get me to go to the White Party next weekend. No matter how many times I tell him, "no" or explain my reasons for not wanting to go, he keeps asking. It's his fatal personality flaw--not knowing when to stop.

As it turns out, I'm not going to have next Saturday night off because the shift bid change isn't going to take effect until the end of April. Figures. But even if I did have the night off, I wasn't going to pay $100 to goto the White Party. It's like one big massive rave and we all know how I prefer smaller parties to larger ones. Or how I "preferred" them. When I attended the White Party in 2003 sober, I was reminded how much I wanted more than just another party. The groves of people were just ridiculous. People weren't even really dancing on the football-size dance floor, but rather, swaying back and forth; droning music of the after hours type...nothing like the trance that I am most attracted to. A good song here and there, but nothing sustaining. Even the year before when I went to the closing party in 2002 I remember the real fun being that I was with friends and still very much enamored with the whole party scene. Ali drove us that year and he was the sober one. He remarked on how "normal" I appeared in contrast to everyone else rolling their asses off. I told him that's just how I am.

I encourage Eddy to go and experience the festivities because you have to try something to know where you stand on it. (most of the time) It's an event that I think every curious gay male should try attending at least once. Even if you've been to circuit parties elsewhere, it's the Big Kahuna of them all here on the West Coast and it's one of those life markers when you're having a conversation and you can chime in with, "When I went to the White Party..."

He's gotten Rey to agree to go with him. That's such a strange friendship to watch on again and off again. I've always been so rigid with people when it comes to my friendships. There hasn't been a lot of "teeter-totter" antics with them. I remember when I found out that Dean had slept with Danny how easily I dropped him and never looked back. I think I've been that way consistently. With the things that the two of them have endured I wonder if it's true forgiveness or simply blind codependence that keeps everything alive. (or both)


3:00am
As I'm writing... Randy (mine) calls and I see the number on the screen of my phone and this debate starts on whether to answer or not. It's funny, because the phone number comes up on my screen and not his name because his contact information is no longer in my phone. I answer and can tell he has background noise. I really can't talk and we agree to talk later.

Random Night Access

LIFE LESSON: Even if you have someone's phone number stored in your cell phone, write it down in an address book, or online contact system.

LIFE LESSON(a): Don't use speed dials. Make yourself manually dial people's phone numbers so that you don't forget them.


Story idea: Psychologist makes money off of the stories that some of his patients tell during sessions of aliens, paranormal, etc. In the real world other "aliens" read the book and realize that the information is so specific that it has to be coming from others of their kind.

Worker Bees

If we allow companies to be free to send jobs overseas and do what they "legally" can do so that they turn a profit, we see the down side of this to people here in our country. We're founded on this "idea" of freedom, but freedom to me does not mean that it's acceptable to hurt our citizens so that a business can grow. A person's life and livelihood should not be excised from a company's bottom line.

I've read a couple of online articles from yahoo.com & cnn.com where we have a higher unemployment rate right now but also have more jobs available. Huh? Explain this one to me. Maybe it's as simple as trying to apply for a job internally at Verizon Wireless. So many of my colleagues apply for positions but either never hear back on it or months go by before anything is done. It seems that there should be a simple, HR industry standard on receiving a resume, logging it, responding to the applicant and then proceeding with setting up interviews and once a candidate is selected for notifying the others that the position is closed. Definitely some companies are better than others on this, but it's way too erratic.

I've long held the belief that our Capitalist mentality is going to be our undoing. On the one hand it fosters competition and innovation, but on the other it is a breeding ground for greed and corruption. We have had periods in our global history of "enlightenment" where ideas and people grew without the dog eat dog mentality of companies.

Alas, companies are made of people. People are the ones with the seeds of greed and corruption within them. We have all these jobs available, but as the population expands, fewer and fewer people have "specialized knowledge" and the haves vs. the have nots grows. In observing the people I've worked with in corporations over the last decade, it's obvious to me that the majority of people do their job to make money---not for the love or passion of it. It is a means to an end.

On that thought... I'll end this rant.