Dancing into the Fire

He leaves a shirt behind and I find myself smelling it. It's a turn-on. It's a scent of memory. Even the lingering cigarettes that turn me off somehow add to the inhalation. He'll never ask for it back, and the moment will never be shared again; another moment that gets recorded and filed and loved for what it was.

I was never built for memories like this. Glossy eyes.

So I've taken to cleaning my room because I've let it go for too long. Mail in piles. Papers to file. (Most probably trash to sift through and discard) So many clothes to wash. I start dusting the top shelf and as I remove the picture sand sculptures I get the idea that the whole arrangement of items on all the shelves need to be changed. I flash back to the time when I would re-arrange the way my bedroom furniture was placed every 3 months or so. Looking at the task ahead, I think that I should stop typing for now and pick up later.... (8:02pm)

(10:24pm).... I get tired of cleaning. Hunger is strong enough for me to consider actually going out and grabbing fast food. The tums I took two hours ago have worn off.

Calls from Eddy on his breaks interrupted the cleaning process briefly. The boy constantly reminds me of the things I can't have and of the desires that exist and rarely get attention from me. I've been wondering what has had my libido in overdrive the past few weeks. At dinner with Matt last night he suggested it's just me cutting lose and having fun. I know better. True, I'm exerting my single-self much more than I have since Randy and I parted, but there's something more here. I still haven't pin-pointed it yet. Hell.... I have the Summer if I want it.

Tyler came over yesterday. It's the first time I've seen him since we stopped dating. When my mind starts to play doubts, it controls all of my body. The heat output, the heart rate; the sexual performance, the words that I can find to speak. It's at these times that drugs have always helped to quiet my mind.

Tangerine Sours Altoids will never be looked at the same anymore.