The only bus stop on this route...

I don't know anymore. I guess I never really did. I used to walk around with a false confidence that I had a knowledge that wasn't really there. The way I carried myself and the way that I spoke reinforced this very fact---which wasn't a fact at all. I look into the faces of people lately and I see the things that they believe; the "facts" that drive them. It's nothing that is right or wrong, only right or wrong for ourselves. I don't have faith in a path for myself anymore.
So I'm drinking regular soda and not diet. I'm not sleeping much. I'm in debt more than I'd like. I'm not keeping my room as clean as I should. I see myself not being true to my vision of writing and these things must change. So let me start with writing...

This whole dating thing. I'm dating or seeing more than just one person. The fact that I'm doing this really isn't anyone's business because I have no committments or exclusivity to anyone, but I know that some of the people I'm dating read this journal and that has caused me to not write about anyone for some time now. Sucks. They're great guys. They make me smile. They make me feel good. I think I do the same for them. They're different. They are driven and have dreams. Don't judge lest ye be judged?... that saying hits my mind as I'm in between commercials for "Wing Commander." So I've had this writer's block because I have things in my head but I don't know how to put them down... the answer, of course, is just to let it all come out and not really think about it too much. In thinking, I'm not sure that I really am wanting to get too serious with anyone. That thought obviously conflicts with the feelings of wanting to be "boyfriend like" with someone. I guess in this search, I'm not rushing and just waiting for that "click" that happens with someone.

I've been on two dates with Martin. I met him through the Sunday group that Art had over to the house during the Summer. We had the benefit of being around each other in groups for a bit to see some of each others' personalities. He has these beautiful blue eyes that you can swim laps through the universe in. He's at that point in his life where the roads before him are being chosen and the paths will carry him into his 20's. I think we like each other, but I'm not sure how much we have in common yet. An interesting facet to dating Martin is that he has next to no dating experience and no serious relationship experience and that's something I haven't really encountered before. (Well, not since I was first dating) It's both fresh and fun as well as a challenge for my abundance of patience.. haha, yeah. He's leaving for school in Berkeley. I think that plays in my head in the overall equation. I have this thought of how cute it was when he answered the phone one night and was speaking Croation to his uncle.

Alex is someone I'd been talking to online for a while. We met by originally talking about hooking up one day for a 3-way that I ultimately wasn't in the mood for. I think the whole 3-way idea remains crystalized in a previous entry from last year and that's where I want to keep it. When Alex and I finally did meet in person I thought it was just about sex---and maybe it was. But as I've gotten to see him more and learn about him I sense someone worth knowing. I like his playful joking. He's a good cuddle partner. His phone sticks out in my mind because it lights up and goes off at the funniest moments to me. What did we do before cell phones? I thought he was leaving for Italy come January but looks like that has changed. I posed a question to him that has not yet been answered. I was wondering if he ever wanted to hang outside of the bedroom. So I don't really know what's up there. I'm trying not to expend too much energy to figure it out. I haven't had the luxury of really getting to know him to read him just yet.

There are others that I've met or hung out with. It's hard to capture all of my impressions. I know that each attempt brings me closer.