Twinkle Twinkle Little Mary

Yesterday I got the idea that this walking initiative should really have some bark behind its bite. Cardwell and I drove to OCC and then walked to try and find their track. Once found, it looked closed, so we walked around the campus instead. The old woman at the cash register in the cafeteria had this to say when we asked how she was, "Well, I'm alive." Yeah... that sums up a lot. We continued walking. I found a piano practice room and the guy next door was playing some very loud jazz. Playing well. So quite loudly I played Mary Had A Little Lamb & Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. It was the mood I was in.

I've been in quite some moods the past few days. I had a discussion with Rey some days ago about him being smarter than where he's at and what he's doing. Hopefully it's one of those conversations that sink in over time. I'd been dating Tyler long enough now to figure out through our words and our actions that we're both male, we like to have sex and beyond that finding common ground to talk about or share doesn't really happen. What's strange is that one 18 year old goes away and two more spring up in his place. When I was that age I wouldn't have even looked at someone who was 29 going on 30. But then, I had---and still have---some theories on the responsibility of the older person a dynamic age difference of developing times in life. When all is said in done here, it hurts to hurt other people. This is why I strived to steer from mean choices except in times of making a point.

Eddy is unable or unwilling to learn. Some days I feel it's one or the other or both. We all love and we all hurt when it ends, but not all of us are able to fold those feelings into a cumulative emotional experience. What I know is that I feel that recent interactions with Tyler, Rey and Eddy, I'm finally learning myself that the child in my head is starting to grow and I think that has been much of my moodiness in the last week. It's like I fight it, yet I know it's something that for me to mature in relationships I have got to do. There's a choice looming here... perhaps it's been here for several years.

Sexually I've been in overdrive. (But only the feelings surging inside, not in actions) Finding the balance between my intellectual decisions and my body's physiological impulses is so much fun. I look at those that would act on every impulse and see a sordid happiness but a serious sadness that is only masked by having more sex. While there is no universal answer for everyone here, I know that the only things that ultimately makes me happy is intimacy with someone that I know and trust...anything else is just a momentary blip of fun that is a spike of happiness that then drops down into despair when that spike isn't there the next day or the next.

There is so much love inside of me that I'm carrying. I miss being able to share it. I share it as much as possible with my friends, but it's not the same.