Soup of the Day

11:30am
Tumbling. Tumbler. The first implies to me some sort of controlled,complex movement. The second makes me think of ice. A scar on my left armis mostly hidden by the hair, but I can always pinpoint it by a red dot nearthe scar. I don't remember how I got the scar. It's just there. It alwayswill be.I don't always remember how I got a lot of the scars in my life.

11:55am
Tired. Presently on Nyquil to control all the congestion and allow me tospeak on the phones at work. I woke up not sure if I was in my bed or not.Faint memories of laying my head down in the pillows. A though crossed mymind about putting music on but I ultimately decided against it because Iwanted uninterrupted, soundless sleep. It must have worked because I don'tremember waking at all during the brief 4 1/2 hours of sleep. I do rememberthat I was dreaming the type of dreams that feel real.

12:noon
Jeremy Jordan was at Motherlode last night. Haha. He's as tiny in personas I would have imagined him to be. DRIFTING.... as I sit here and think ofwhat I'm typing a Depeche Mode song hauntingly plays over a few lines:"Something so worthless... serves a purpose...makes me a happy man... can'tyou understand... say you believe..."

12:09pm
I keep dosing... I only took one Nyquil pill because I didn't want to beknocked out. I've always liked this ambient, calmness of Nyquil. I'mstarting to get hungry too. Another hour until my first break and then aquick run to Jack in the Box. It will compliment the Taco Bell that Iinhaled as I exited Red Hill from the 5 FWY this morning at 4:20am. Thedrive home.... long and dangerous. Sober, but so so tired. It was onlyabout half way home that it started to bother me; somewhere around the 605FWY. Windows went down. Talk radio went on. It's the talking that usuallykeeps me awake. Music lulls. Sometimes I can put a song on and startsinging to it and that will help to keep me awake. This morning I actuallyslapped myself on the cheeks to jolt some alertness back in me.

12:18pm
Three black widows. (Drinks) Cardwell and Eddy saw each other for the firsttime last night. Civil. More than that, there's a strange love of friendsthere. We're all terrible at communicating that to each other. I would saywe all do it out of protection, survival; and sadly we feel that instincteven around our friends.There are so many layers of emotions that tie us up. I can't really explainit completely. My thoughts toward Eddy are probably clearer. Flashes thatare entering my head: ...hugs, listening, stubborn, ignoring, looks, kisses,walking, drives, common; knowing what is right vs. something primal that iscontrolled; sharing a common relationship (chuck); sensing that which ishidden and understanding it.

2:21pm
Visions prancing quickly as I close my eyes and open them. I was thinkingof what Martin & I are going to do while hanging out tonight. KellyClarkson's "The Trouble With Love" started playing in my mind. The movie"Love Actually" is one he hasn't seen and that could be a nice and simplerelaxing thing to do this evening. I don't know. A walk around the lakes?Beach? UCI? I just want to know more.

2:50pm
Last night I drove around for 45minutes to find parking in West Hollywoodbecause I didn't have any cash on me to park at the Pacific Design Center.In retrospect, I should've just paid the bank fee at some other bank thatwas easily accessible and then parked. After walking the four blocks backto the main strip I found Cardwell, Justin & Jeffrey at Motherlode. Theyhad dinner together at La Boeheme. As the drinks wore on, Cardwell andJeffrey were alternately standing up and yelling "Coke" and "Ecstasy" asloud as they could in the bar. Justin and I pretended not to know them. I guess I should just be grateful that they didn't start yelling "PurpleRain."

3:00pm
Fifteen minutes until lunch. I'm definitely going to my car to lay down.I'm not even going to bother driving home to sleep as that cuts out 20min ofpotential sleep time. Changing of the guard here at work. All the earlymorning people are leaving and the 3-midnight people are starting. I toy with the idea in my head of whether I could wake up that early and then beable to leave right now. Laughter. I'm no morning person. I'd end upstaying up all night all the time and then be dead at work and sleep.

4:43pm
Naps...good. Mountain Dew...sweet.