More Mood Food

1:02pm
I've been cleaning. I moved my furniture around a few weeks ago but haven't really picked anything up since shifting. Books, CD's, DVD's, magazines, paperwork, and most notably pictures are strewn all over the carpet. I've managed to put the books that I'm keeping up on the shelf. I've discarded the empty CD cases. Every so often I stop to check something on the computer---the last stop was an hour long as I decided I needed to clean off any unnecessary files. Then I went to go and defragment the hard drive and found I only had 11% disk space available---even after my clean-up. I grow bored of these projects too quickly...so now I'm typing a journal entry.

My phone just notified me of a new text message. It's an e-mail notification. I get them when certain people send e-mail to my main account. This particular one is from my mother, sending yet another chain e-mail. I rarely read them. I hate those things. Sometimes I do. Mostly depends on my mood. I haven't seen my mom in two months now and that fact has been on my mind. I've tried to think of a reason. I think the obvious one is that I've just been extremely low and moody and I don't want to be put in a situation where she will trigger me to be angry or upset on top of how I already feel. That's sad to say, but honest. I know that.

I launch Trillian because even as I write this entry I'm not sure that my own thoughts are going to keep me entertained. The house windows are open. Cool breeze finding it's way over my skin, blowing the curtains outward and inward--breathing.

Sifting through the pictures is something that I have put off for so long. It's a whirlwind of pain and pleasure to see the past. It's hard to see some changes and beautiful to notice others. I've thrown away so many duplicates and pictures that might have seemed important at one time but no longer hold value. I'm not even half way done. I have empty photo albums and two thick posterboards to use for those pictures that ultimately remain.

1:22pm
"..Am I standing still.."

Yesterday, I got home from work and quickly got into a paralyzed mode where I didn't want to leave my room. I was online, watching tv, zoning. I wanted to write but nothing got typed. I look to the future and this dark part of me just doesn't see why we do it. Why do we set goals and try to achieve anything? I know that sometimes people do this because they're driven by success or money or both. Sometimes it's just for personal accomplishment. These things do not motivate me like they did when I was younger. So I spent the night in my room and then fell asleep to music randomly playing on the computer. I can see this depression like a fog in the canyon but I don't think being on drugs again will solve anything.

2:03pm
I just updated the journal entries from the last week that were in my planner. I took a break to wash my face. I'm not sure I should be dating right now. Or ever.