Perched

When happiness is a block away and walking isn't an option, some would choose to crawl while others will sit in the window and look at it from a distance. Sometimes the dream, the fantasy and the yearning for something is a better deal than actually obtaining and securing it. Like a career or educational goal... you work hard to reach a certain level and then what? You have to create new goals, ambitions, aspirations. We do this so we won't be bored? So we feel that we have purpose? So that we have the sensation of movement when all along the Earth is turning and we move whether we put effort into it or not.

I was reading Tim's online journal. Unless he's moved it somewhere else, there haven't been any entries since March. So much pain and anger. When I spent time with him I felt my instincts kick in and wanted to give him the things that could balance out these internal feelings. I couldn't. In some strange way we all build up our walls and create a life that we believe works for us. There are certain "needed" stimuli, other vexing ones. We calculate--consciously or unconsciously--the events that bring us pleasure and pain. We keep thoughts in our head that we don't share and those things are the source of excitement and shame and sometimes both or neither. When I meet "open spirits" I find myself drawn in by their life. Not because they are necessarily any more happy or sad, but because the have developed a way of living that I still have never found comfortable---being open. Although I've been described as "free" that's very different that being exposed. The freedom of flight that someone would see in me would most likely be someone regimented to a daily routine.