Sun to Sand

Boredom.

I was scouring the personals on gay.com today. I came across this 18 year old who had a caption that started, "I'm tired of all the..." and then went on to list what he perceived to be "immoral" things. I was thinking that if he's tired of all that at 18 then he's got a long life ahead of him. but I was the same way now that I think of it. I didn't tolerate the things I had never tried and knew nothing about and I would often say, "I don't need to know about it to know it's not for me."

That's a statement that comes from foolish self-confidence that disguises that there is a fear of unknown things. It's a fear so completely covered that the person doesn't think of it as fear, won't admit to it and simply clings to the arrogance of their moral ground being right for them. Who can argue that?

There is this path I started down 11 years ago. In my mind I started walking with a vision of what I wanted. I thought I knew myself, but I was a frightened child protecting myself at all costs. No one knew that because I wouldn't show it. There's a tranquility about having all this behind me. In a way, it always felt that I was running away. The destination wasn't as important as the distance. Now, it doesn't feel like there's anything to run away from and it's been so long that I'm not sure of where I'm supposed to be going.

When I was in Seattle, I felt a very strong sense of belonging. I think that sense is something that I've always had because of Grandma June and the legacy with Grandma Jean and Marthalee. Grandpa and Delores are still living in Washington as well. I took a drive along PCH this afternoon. California is my home. Staring at the waves crashing, feeling the sun on my face through the sun roof; I enjoy the moments of solitude where I'm not lonely.